Byron: Hiding from the Lawsuit

Quokka Hiding - Rottnest Island - ZooChat

G’day–or not so good! Byron the Quokka here, and I dassn’t tell you where “here” is because there’s a bloke runnin’ all over Rottnest Island trying to slap a lawsuit on me. I knew these new dorms had to be good for something. They look just like tufts of grass, don’t they?

I can hardly believe there’s someone suing us–suing Quokka University, by jove!–for teaching things that aren’t true. Good grief! Do you think you can get a college accredited by teaching truth? Pull the other one! The whole academic world would come after us with shotguns if we ever taught anything that’s true.

We are in trouble because we plainly labeled our false facts “False Facts.” Guaranteed not to be true! You have our word on it! Crikey, they’re not our false facts at all, we’re just usin’ ’em for fund-raising: it’s Acme False Facts Inc. that they ought to be suing.

Well, now we’re going to have to go to the bother of luring the crocodile in from the salt marshes and luring the lawsuit wallah into the pond with the crocodile. We are told that this is what universities do with anyone who gets in their way. Well, we do want our accreditation, don’t we? When in Rome, etc.

More False Facts (Quokka U. Edition)

PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the ...

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, raising funds for Quokka University. And what better way to rake in the bucks than to offer an all-new set of Acme False Facts? (We thank Acme’s former chief financial officer for signing their agreement with our university. It’s not our fault he didn’t read it first.)

I’ve gone through the set, and I can tell you that our Quokka U. edition is as false as they come! Puts us right up there with the other colleges. Just to give you a taste of it, here are a few of my favorite examples.

*In 1948 astronomer Reginald Swabb discovered three new planets which he named Moe, Larry, and Curly. All three can be seen with the naked eye, but not with a telescope.

*Movies and TV shows featuring actor Kevin Costner cannot be shown legally in Fester County, India.

*The U.S. Supreme Court once had two chief justices named W. Anthony Busterson, neither of whom could speak or write.

*The highly poisonous Jamaican Dust-mop Spider is the most popular pet among the elusive Basketball People of central Italy, whom no one in the provincial government has been able to find lately.

*The custom of reading the minutes of the last public meeting at the current public meeting once resulted in the ossification of four members of the Bazookistan Township Committee; but no one noticed until three meetings farther on.

Remember, if you want people to think you’re incredibly well-informed when you’re not, just puff out your chest, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and transfix ’em with a False Fact. That ought to do it.

False Facts: Special Quarantine Edition

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The original Skbiertzsky knife

Running out of things to do during The Great Quarantine? Well, there will never be a better time to polish up your reputation as somebody who knows things that nobody else knows! And Acme False Facts is here to help, with a special Quarantine Edition.

Remember–it’s not what you say: it’s with how much conviction you can say it.

Here are a few outstanding examples.

Jim Bowie’s real name was James Skbiertzsky; but he changed it because, he explained, “Who the dickens would want to buy a Skbiertzsky knife?”

Brownies secretly hold a convention every year in Oklahoma.

The planet Neptune has no gravity. You could look it up.

In 1879, all the men in Proktov, Siberia, woke up one morning with extra toes. Scientists attribute this to a bad batch of toothpaste cookies.

Speaking of the paranormal, the only sure way to get rid of skinwalkers is to take away their flip-flops.

Episodes of The Tim Conway Show, when played backwards, reveal a failed conspiracy to subvert the Austrian Navy.

All these, and many more, are available in a set of lavishly-decorated flash cards in a burglar-proof cardboard strongbox–a steal at $245.95 wherever such things are sold.

Brighten Your Day with False Facts 7.0!

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Greetings, earthlings! Byron here, your official spokesquokka for Acme False Facts, introducing the newest collectible set, False Facts 7.0.

The nooze has been just so bleak and dreary lately that Acme stepped up its production schedule–we need False Facts! How else are you going to impress people? Even a poor benighted platypus can stand tall, delivering genuine False Facts that nobody else in the room ever heard of! Here are just a few samples.

George Washington’s real name was Harvey, but he had it changed to confuse King George III of England. It worked. In fact, it drove the king mad, trying to work out who was who.

The ancient Minoan civilization on Crete went out of business because no one could speak their language–not even themselves.

Since the invention of The Forbidden Emoji, at least 96 persons who used it in their social media posts have gone missing. We’d have to be crazy, to show a picture of it.

Kumquat College now offers a degree program in Paranormal Etiquette.

Nikola Tesla invented a yo-yo that didn’t work.

It’s perfectly safe to have a pet wolverine in your house. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

By the year 2052, according to a peer-reviewed study by Acme Scientific Studies Inc., half the people in the Holy Roman Empire will look like Greta Thunberg. The other half will have fled the country.

There you have it, folks! Seven zingers. Want people to think you’re smart for knowing things that they don’t know? Acme False Facts to the rescue! Remember–it’s not what you say, but how authoritatively you say it!

False Facts, Series VI

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Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with Series VI of Acme False Facts. Aunt Feezy gave me a set for Christmas–I’m afraid she thought the facts were real: us quokkas are trusting souls–and I can hardly wait to impress all the other quokkas with my new-found bogus knowledge!

Without further ado, here are my favorite False Facts, so far.

*Benjamin Franklin invented the cell phone in 1771, but lost interest in it when there was no one to call.

*In 1951 President Mickey Vernon attempted to appoint his horse, Shorty, to the United States Supreme Court. This led to the discovery that he wasn’t really the president, but the Senate confirmed the appointment anyway.

*Kansas City was originally in Japan, but relocated in 1869.

*Ancient astronauts discovered Play-Doh on Mars and brought it to earth in 502 B.C.

*A centipede named Nobody’s Fool won the Kentucky Derby in 1963, but his victory was disallowed because he used too many legs.

I could do this all day, but I won’t–I’ve got a Christmas carol contest to administer.

Remember! Stand up straight, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and speak with unshakeable confidence! And you’ll have a future in politics.

Beware Fake False Facts!

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It pains us to report that certain unscrupulous persons are horning in on the market created and nurtured by Acme False Facts Inc., the original and authentic false facts.

However, the discerning customer will quickly be able to see the difference between a real false fact, provided by Acme, and a phony false fact from Oobatz False Facts Inc.–pretenders and interlopers that they are.

For instance:

A) Gerbils evolved from birds.

B) Robin Hood is buried in Abilene, Kansas.

Now, which of those is the authentic, genuine, Acme false fact, and which one is the cheap Oobatz imitation? Of course! You spotted it instantly. False Fact A is authentic, and B is just a lot of hooey that no one with the intelligence of a paramecium would ever believe!

We have truly sunk to a new depth, haven’t we, when money-grubbing scoundrels have to stoop to counterfeiting False Facts. And no, we are not impressed by Oobatz’s spurious “guarantee” that all of their false facts are verifiably false, or your money back.

Stick with Acme! Our False Facts are truly false!

Still More Great False Facts

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(No, that’s not me!)

If you’re stuck for a gift for yourself, once again it’s Acme False Facts to the rescue!

If you want people to think you’re really smart, because you know a lot of things that they don’t know, or never even imagined, just stand up straight, shoulders back, chest out, look ’em in the eye, and trot out one of these certified genuine False Facts.

Here are a couple of tantalizing examples from False Facts 5.0:

*Elizabeth Warren’s proposed 70% tax rate will still leave you with 85% of your money, according to scientific economists at Fimbo State University.

*Frog DNA added to your toothpaste, when consumed in sufficient quantity, will cause your gender to change spontaneously.

*The ancient Egyptians had cell phones. You could look it up.

*The first functioning time machine was built in 1625 by an Irish bishop, who used it to journey into the future. He has not yet returned.

*There is no such place as Hungary.

Remember, it’s not what you say, but how authoritatively you say it! Every politician, climate scientist, and used car salesman knows that.

Byron Presents: More False Facts

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, trying to find something to do until we can think of another contest for me to run.

Meanwhile, those nice humans at Acme False Facts are giving me a shot at being a spokesquokka for their product. I’ve never used a false fact, but here goes!

Remember: it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it. Stand up straight, chest out, shoulders back, and look ’em right in the eye and dare ’em to contradict you.

*The Spanish hero, El Cid, was only two and a half feet tall and was often mistaken, in his armor, for an ash tray.

*In 1976 an iceberg the size of Belgium broke off the Antarctic ice sheet and wound up in Nebraska.

*Article XIX, Section 27 of the U.S. Constitution allows non-citizens to vote as often as they please.

*Although the horrible disease known as Prufrock’s Curse has no known cure, the bright side of it is that it makes you unbeatable at checkers.

*At the 1953 Olympics in Bogota, Japan, no one performed well enough to earn a gold medal.

Well, there you have it–five new False Facts to make you look smart. As a quokka I find the whole thing bloomin’ incomprehensible: but we have learned to be tolerant of humans.


Play It Smart with False Facts

Did you know that the sound we call a “raspberry” was once a popular nickname in the ancient language of Arzawa? It translates as “Shorty.”

By popular demand we present a few samples of False Facts IV, published six months ahead of schedule because the world is going to end in 12 years unless we make government powerful enough to stop Climate Change–

And that’s just one of the False Facts you’ll get in this set! Here are a couple of the others.

In the Forest of Dean, in England, there are more gorillas per square mile than in the entire Congo rain forest.

There are still cavemen living in Sayreville, NJ.

President James K. Polk originally spelled his name “Poke” but changed it after he was mistaken for the James K. Poke who taught belly-dancing in Oofty Township, Tennessee.

Extraterrestrial pottery has been found in China.

Want people to think you’re smart? Shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and recite a False Fact in a tone of unshakeable conviction–’cause now you know things that nobody else knows! Be the center of any family gathering!

False Facts IV–now on sale for only $679.99 at Foolburg’s Farmacies.

Feeling Dumb? False Facts to the Rescue!

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After the fantastic success of the first three editions of False Facts–believe it or not, not a single reader wrote in to plead with me not to previewFalse Facts 4.0: not even one!–we were gratified to adopt presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden as our company mascot. Let his words be our motto!

“We choose truth over facts.”

Tired of people thinking you’re just a poor dumb dope who doesn’t know anything? Do you wish you knew a lot of cool stuff that they don’t know? Wouldn’t it be great to have them all marveling at your erudition?

All you need is False Facts 4.0!

Here are just a few examples for you to practice with. When you see how impressed people are, you’ll want to buy the whole set.

Just remember: when you deliver a False Fact, stand up straight, speak boldly and authoritatively, and look that other person right in the idea, double-dog-daring him to challenge you. And okay, here we go.

*Yogurt was originally invented by the Vikings, who used it to treat nightmares in chickens.

*The Great Gatsby was originally written as an advertising gimmick for Lifebuoy Soap.

*The city of Glasgow, Scotland, does not actually exist. It was removed in 1968, but the maps have never been updated.

*TV coverage of the Battle of Fallen Timbers shortened the Civil War by turning the public against it.

*The Pestilent Dutch Elm Monkey of Central Africa can eat four times its own weight in shredded wheat each day.

Well, that’s enough to get you started. When you’re ready for the full set of False Facts 4.0, mosey on down to your local Rite-Aid with $410.89 in cash. Tell ’em Joe sent you.