Beware False ‘False Facts’

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Acme False Facts Inc. has issued a warning to its customers to steer clear of its competitor, Super False Facts Ltd.

Company president Archimedes K. Pellagra said, “If you try to use any of our competitor’s false facts, you’ll only look like an idiot. Here are a few examples of their inferior product.”

*Sheol is the capital of South Korea.

*Hoop snakes only roll down hill when no one’s looking.

*Bonomo’s Turkish Taffy was never made by Turks.

*Henry Mancini wrote “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

*Eating bacon with every meal will help you grow hair.

“Pathetic, isn’t it?” Mr. Pellagra said. “I mean, what is the point of a false fact that everybody knows is false? Whereas our false facts are Genuine False Facts, and if you recite them with enough conviction, it’s almost impossible to disbelieve them.

“Avoid cheap imitations! Our country already has enough real idiots.”

Steer Clear of False False Facts!

Quokka on Rottnest Island - Journey Beyond

As a sort of official spokesquokka for Acme False Facts Inc., I was distressed to learn that another false facts firm is playing dirty tricks to try to grab a piece of our market. Dreadful! Not even these bicycles can cheer me up.

I’m Byron the Quokka, and I’m here to remind you that only Acme False Facts are guaranteed 100% false! So don’t buy from that other company, whose name I only mention to help you shun their product: True False Facts Ltd. Their president is no better than a vampire.

Surely the discriminating consumer of false facts can tell the difference between our product and theirs. Example:

Ours: The last talking dog in Kazakhstan got in trouble for talking to strangers.

Theirs: Socialism really works if you give it a chance.

Acme False Facts do more than educate, more than entertain! They cure itching, for one thing. Can those other guys say that?

If you want respect, and really cool peer group approval, Acme False Facts is king! All the others are just usurpers.

False Facts for the Summer!

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, announcing the latest release from Acme False Facts Inc.–the Deluxe False Facts Summer Set for 2022! If you order now, before the first day of summer, you’ll get $85 taken off your shipping and handling. And you’ll also have time to memorize some of your favorite false facts, to be trotted out on the beach to an awed and admiring crowd.

Here’s a wee selection of items on the menu, just to turn you on. All facts guaranteed 100% false!

*Elmer Fudd was a real person; in fact, he was a U.S. Senator named Frank Feezle, best known for saying, “Mistah Vice Pwesident, thea’s something vewy scwewy going on awound hea!”

*Cave paintings found near Shoatsburgh, Pennsylvania, radiocarbon-dated to 2000 B.C. depict all the major characters from the “Archie” comic strip. Scientists admit they’re puzzled.

*The largest goldfish ever caught on rod and reel (by Mrs. Bertha Fandango, 1911) was really only 7 inches long; but it looked much bigger from certain angles. The entry in the record book has been slightly modified.

*World Chess Champion Boris Slitely used to practice by pushing chessmen off a shelf and watching them bounce on the floor. Then he would jump off his chair and bat the fallen chessmen around the floor until they disappeared under the furniture.

*In 1584 Sultan Abdel-el-Kukri Rogers ordered all Turkish Navy personnel to call each other by pet names. He was overthrown by Osman “Fido” McQuillan, who much later on in life became a TV talk show host.

Remember–stand tall, throw out your chest, look ’em in the eye, and recite a false fact. You’ll be amazed how it moves people to stand in awe of you. You might even have a future in politics!

Just $779.95 for the whole set.

False Facts for True Laughs

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(A good laugh is gift from God. On this cold and rainy day, let’s see if we can scare one up for you. Over to you, Byron!)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this semester’s edition of genuine false facts from Acme False Facts Inc. Stand up straight, puff out your chest, look your listener in the eye, and recite your false fact as if there could be no possible doubt of it. Here are a few samples.

*For a good five years the British battle cruiser, H.M.S. Pumpkin, was commanded by the ship’s cat, Marky. The Admiralty was not amused.

*Edgar Rice Burroughs’ first draft of Tarzan of the Apes was rejected because he had the apes living in upstate New York. Later in life he sometimes insisted that his original idea was best.

*In 1951, playing for the Milwaukee Braves, left fielder Azog “Flip” Watson topped Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak with a 74-game streak of his own. But because the rest of the Braves were still in Boston and Watson didn’t actually exist, his streak was disallowed.

*Keebo, Nebraska, milkman Desi Formalin, the historical figure upon whose life the character of Zorro was based, died in 1921 while trying to carve a “Z” with his sword on Niagara Falls.

*Scientists in seven states are still trying to explain away the 1969 discovery of a fossilized T. rex clutching a fossilized yo-yo.

Well, how about that? Now you know some things that no one else knows (unless they buy the boxed set of False Facts for 2022)! A whopping 6% of the proceeds go to the Quokka University pick-up sticks team. For just $600, it’s a bargain! And it’s postage paid, to boot.

Absolutely Amazing Historical Trivia

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In what may be the earliest-known April Fool’s prank, Thutmose III compelled the priests of Amon to skateboard down the north face of the Great Pyramid (the usual practice was the south face)–without telling them about the pool full of crocodiles at the bottom. That was a real knee-slapper!

Anyhow, here are a few little-known facts of history you can trot out to amaze your family and friends.

*Alan Hale, the actor, was the real Prince of Wales. He didn’t like to say so.

*Professional wrestling was originally a religious ritual practiced by Lutherans.

*Carnivorous rabbits–described as “furry piranhas that live on land”–are increasingly a problem in Australia.

*In 1998 the undeclared and largely unnoticed war between the United Kingdom and Portugal was resolved by a friendly game of bridge. Portugal won the game and was awarded ownership of Wales.

These mind-boggling historical tidbits are brought to you by Acme False Facts Inc. We guarantee all our facts to be 100% untrue.

False Facts for a Rainy Day

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with a brand-new set of False Facts from Acme False Facts Inc.–guaranteed to make people think you’re smart! And half the profits go to Quokka University to help us build a sandbox.

Want respect? Want esteem? Just confidently trot out a few of these genuine False Facts! Here are a few samples.

*The biggest dinosaur ever was Gigantosaurus maximus, which was roughly the size of the state of Delaware–the skull alone was as big as Morris County, New Jersey!

*In 1506, Duke Evinrude of Bohemia taught himself to fly simply by flapping his arms. He had to flap them very hard, and once accidentally destroyed the contents of a china shop.

*Experiment in education: public schools in Magma, Vermont, taught children to read upside-down. Some of the students injured themselves by standing on their heads to view the text. Parents were not amused.

*In 1862 a man calling himself the Emperor of Baffin Island conquered most of Canada while people weren’t paying attention. His empire collapsed when, like King Henry I of England, he died from eating a surfeit of lampreys.

*An untitled movie made by monkeys won a Golden Globe award in 1967–but the sequel was a box office bomb and all the monkeys were fired.

There you go! Stand tall, puff out your chest, and recite a False Fact with an appearance of absolute conviction. Your friends will be astonished by the things you know and they don’t. Boxed set, $495.56, not counting postage. I don’t know how to count postage.

Emergency False Facts!

PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star

G’day! Are you noozed out–just can’t stand any more? Byron the Quokka here, with relief–yes, I said relief!

Brought to you by Quokka University and Acme False Facts Inc., we present a new set of guaranteed false facts that will not only take your mind off the nooze, but will also help you to astound your friends with all the stuff you know but they don’t. Just remember to recite your false fact with absolute confidence! And practice a withering glance of pity that’ll make anyone who questions you feel ignorant.

Without further ado, here are some samples from our newest set.

*In 1880 a man who claimed to have visited the Moon was given a ticker-tape parade by the town of Bent Spoon, Indiana. At the conclusion of the parade, they hanged him.

*A recent poll shows that 41% of the people descended from Osric Witling never heard of him. And neither has anybody else.

*When the musical We’ve Got Chiggers opened on Broadway on March 12, 1951, half the audience went home with real chiggers they’d unknowingly picked up in the theater, resulting in a massive lawsuit that closed the show after only one performance.

*With the seats in the stadium now occupied by cardboard cutouts of fans, Major League Baseball plans to populate the playing field and the dugouts with cardboard cutouts of the players.

*The discovery of the source of the River Nile was delayed for many years by rumors that Queen Victoria had already been there on her honeymoon. But current DNA analyses suggest she didn’t like any of the hotels in the neighborhood.

Well, that should be enough to get you started! Each and every card in the Emergency False Facts Set is guaranteed to be totally devoid of truth–and it can all be yours for a mere $1.28 (US), plus $640 shipping.

False Facts Raise Funds for Quokka U.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

G’day and Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here–as deputy provost in charge of something-or-other here at Quokka University. And I’m here to thank Acme False Facts Inc. for providing another fund-raiser for our university, a special False Facts card set, with half the proceeds going to Quokka U.

Here are a few samples from this special set of False Facts.

*The country of Spain disappeared for three days in July, 1888–and no one noticed.

*The Roman Emperor Hadrian had a pet squid named Dion who would do a soft-shoe routine on command. Said a visiting Pictish chieftain, “Who knew it could even be done on ten legs?”

*If consumed in sufficient quantities, Nabisco Shredded Wheat forces you to relive other people’s past lives. It does take an awful lot of Shredded Wheat, though.

*Highway No. 404 in Tajikistan takes motorists deep underwater in the Indian Ocean. No one has ever come back.

*In 1867 a baker named Postlethwaite, hired to create a special birthday cake for Napoleon III, missed so many deadlines that he brought on the Franco-Prussian War in 1870.

Remember–False Facts are even better than real facts, because no one can find anything to disprove them. But you have to speak them with conviction! Only then do you get a reputation for knowing things that no one else knows.

We are also selling season tickets for our pick-up sticks team. All we need now is a season.

‘Knowing Things That Aren’t True’ (2013)

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Acme False Facts, Guaranteed 100 % Untrue, are fun. But the false facts that shape public opinion and public policy, they’re not so much fun.

Knowing Things That Aren’t True

We believe a lot of things that aren’t true. Believe? No–we know these things! Because someone told us. We heard it somewhere. Yeah, it was on NPR. Man-Made Climate Change. Systemic Racism. Things that other people made up.

Every time a truth is told, a Democrat breaks out in hives.

Byron: Hiding from the Lawsuit

Quokka Hiding - Rottnest Island - ZooChat

G’day–or not so good! Byron the Quokka here, and I dassn’t tell you where “here” is because there’s a bloke runnin’ all over Rottnest Island trying to slap a lawsuit on me. I knew these new dorms had to be good for something. They look just like tufts of grass, don’t they?

I can hardly believe there’s someone suing us–suing Quokka University, by jove!–for teaching things that aren’t true. Good grief! Do you think you can get a college accredited by teaching truth? Pull the other one! The whole academic world would come after us with shotguns if we ever taught anything that’s true.

We are in trouble because we plainly labeled our false facts “False Facts.” Guaranteed not to be true! You have our word on it! Crikey, they’re not our false facts at all, we’re just usin’ ’em for fund-raising: it’s Acme False Facts Inc. that they ought to be suing.

Well, now we’re going to have to go to the bother of luring the crocodile in from the salt marshes and luring the lawsuit wallah into the pond with the crocodile. We are told that this is what universities do with anyone who gets in their way. Well, we do want our accreditation, don’t we? When in Rome, etc.