Tag Archives: false facts

False Facts, Series VI

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Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with Series VI of Acme False Facts. Aunt Feezy gave me a set for Christmas–I’m afraid she thought the facts were real: us quokkas are trusting souls–and I can hardly wait to impress all the other quokkas with my new-found bogus knowledge!

Without further ado, here are my favorite False Facts, so far.

*Benjamin Franklin invented the cell phone in 1771, but lost interest in it when there was no one to call.

*In 1951 President Mickey Vernon attempted to appoint his horse, Shorty, to the United States Supreme Court. This led to the discovery that he wasn’t really the president, but the Senate confirmed the appointment anyway.

*Kansas City was originally in Japan, but relocated in 1869.

*Ancient astronauts discovered Play-Doh on Mars and brought it to earth in 502 B.C.

*A centipede named Nobody’s Fool won the Kentucky Derby in 1963, but his victory was disallowed because he used too many legs.

I could do this all day, but I won’t–I’ve got a Christmas carol contest to administer.

Remember! Stand up straight, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and speak with unshakeable confidence! And you’ll have a future in politics.

Beware Fake False Facts!

Image result for images of gerbils

It pains us to report that certain unscrupulous persons are horning in on the market created and nurtured by Acme False Facts Inc., the original and authentic false facts.

However, the discerning customer will quickly be able to see the difference between a real false fact, provided by Acme, and a phony false fact from Oobatz False Facts Inc.–pretenders and interlopers that they are.

For instance:

A) Gerbils evolved from birds.

B) Robin Hood is buried in Abilene, Kansas.

Now, which of those is the authentic, genuine, Acme false fact, and which one is the cheap Oobatz imitation? Of course! You spotted it instantly. False Fact A is authentic, and B is just a lot of hooey that no one with the intelligence of a paramecium would ever believe!

We have truly sunk to a new depth, haven’t we, when money-grubbing scoundrels have to stoop to counterfeiting False Facts. And no, we are not impressed by Oobatz’s spurious “guarantee” that all of their false facts are verifiably false, or your money back.

Stick with Acme! Our False Facts are truly false!

Still More Great False Facts

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(No, that’s not me!)

If you’re stuck for a gift for yourself, once again it’s Acme False Facts to the rescue!

If you want people to think you’re really smart, because you know a lot of things that they don’t know, or never even imagined, just stand up straight, shoulders back, chest out, look ’em in the eye, and trot out one of these certified genuine False Facts.

Here are a couple of tantalizing examples from False Facts 5.0:

*Elizabeth Warren’s proposed 70% tax rate will still leave you with 85% of your money, according to scientific economists at Fimbo State University.

*Frog DNA added to your toothpaste, when consumed in sufficient quantity, will cause your gender to change spontaneously.

*The ancient Egyptians had cell phones. You could look it up.

*The first functioning time machine was built in 1625 by an Irish bishop, who used it to journey into the future. He has not yet returned.

*There is no such place as Hungary.

Remember, it’s not what you say, but how authoritatively you say it! Every politician, climate scientist, and used car salesman knows that.

Byron Presents: More False Facts

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, trying to find something to do until we can think of another contest for me to run.

Meanwhile, those nice humans at Acme False Facts are giving me a shot at being a spokesquokka for their product. I’ve never used a false fact, but here goes!

Remember: it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it. Stand up straight, chest out, shoulders back, and look ’em right in the eye and dare ’em to contradict you.

*The Spanish hero, El Cid, was only two and a half feet tall and was often mistaken, in his armor, for an ash tray.

*In 1976 an iceberg the size of Belgium broke off the Antarctic ice sheet and wound up in Nebraska.

*Article XIX, Section 27 of the U.S. Constitution allows non-citizens to vote as often as they please.

*Although the horrible disease known as Prufrock’s Curse has no known cure, the bright side of it is that it makes you unbeatable at checkers.

*At the 1953 Olympics in Bogota, Japan, no one performed well enough to earn a gold medal.

Well, there you have it–five new False Facts to make you look smart. As a quokka I find the whole thing bloomin’ incomprehensible: but we have learned to be tolerant of humans.


Play It Smart with False Facts

Did you know that the sound we call a “raspberry” was once a popular nickname in the ancient language of Arzawa? It translates as “Shorty.”

By popular demand we present a few samples of False Facts IV, published six months ahead of schedule because the world is going to end in 12 years unless we make government powerful enough to stop Climate Change–

And that’s just one of the False Facts you’ll get in this set! Here are a couple of the others.

In the Forest of Dean, in England, there are more gorillas per square mile than in the entire Congo rain forest.

There are still cavemen living in Sayreville, NJ.

President James K. Polk originally spelled his name “Poke” but changed it after he was mistaken for the James K. Poke who taught belly-dancing in Oofty Township, Tennessee.

Extraterrestrial pottery has been found in China.

Want people to think you’re smart? Shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and recite a False Fact in a tone of unshakeable conviction–’cause now you know things that nobody else knows! Be the center of any family gathering!

False Facts IV–now on sale for only $679.99 at Foolburg’s Farmacies.

Feeling Dumb? False Facts to the Rescue!

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After the fantastic success of the first three editions of False Facts–believe it or not, not a single reader wrote in to plead with me not to previewFalse Facts 4.0: not even one!–we were gratified to adopt presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden as our company mascot. Let his words be our motto!

“We choose truth over facts.”

Tired of people thinking you’re just a poor dumb dope who doesn’t know anything? Do you wish you knew a lot of cool stuff that they don’t know? Wouldn’t it be great to have them all marveling at your erudition?

All you need is False Facts 4.0!

Here are just a few examples for you to practice with. When you see how impressed people are, you’ll want to buy the whole set.

Just remember: when you deliver a False Fact, stand up straight, speak boldly and authoritatively, and look that other person right in the idea, double-dog-daring him to challenge you. And okay, here we go.

*Yogurt was originally invented by the Vikings, who used it to treat nightmares in chickens.

*The Great Gatsby was originally written as an advertising gimmick for Lifebuoy Soap.

*The city of Glasgow, Scotland, does not actually exist. It was removed in 1968, but the maps have never been updated.

*TV coverage of the Battle of Fallen Timbers shortened the Civil War by turning the public against it.

*The Pestilent Dutch Elm Monkey of Central Africa can eat four times its own weight in shredded wheat each day.

Well, that’s enough to get you started. When you’re ready for the full set of False Facts 4.0, mosey on down to your local Rite-Aid with $410.89 in cash. Tell ’em Joe sent you.

Cozy Kitties (Plus Astounding False Fact!)

These are billed as “Adorable Cats.” I’ll go along with that.

BTW, I know exactly what’s going on with those goldfish. They’re used to being fed by hand, and when they see the cat leaning over their pond, they think he’s going to feed them, too. My turtle never gave up hope that our cat Henry would feed him.

Fun False Fact: Warren G. Harding had a pet clam named Milton. He invested a great deal of time in trying to teach Milton tricks.

More False Facts to Wow Your Friends

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Are you tired of sitting alone in a corner, and no one ever wants to listen to you?

Help is here! With your new set of False Facts 3.0, become a fount of information virtually overnight! You’ll know things that nobody else knows, and people will flock to hear you speak. All you need is False Facts 3.0–and the ability to deliver them in a convincing manner that defies dissent. It’s not just what you way: it’s also the way you say it.

Here are a few samples from our newest set. Just trot ’em out and wow your friends.

*The original national anthem of Burma was “I’m an Old Cow-hand from the Rio Grande,” but that was changed in 1957.

*Julius Caesar was actually a woman.

*Radium is good for you! That’s why they used to make toothpaste out of it–until Big Dentistry got it banned because it was putting dentists out of business.

*The Liberian hamster eats twice its weight in horseradish every day.

*Article VIII, Section 4 of the United States Constitution establishes a right to daily entertainment provided by the federal government.

Just take a deep breath, stand tall, and lay ’em out there without batting an eye. You’ll be amazed by how many people believe you!

False Facts 3.0 is available at Rite-Aid for only $499.99. Get yours today!

Wow! More False Facts!

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What’s that you say? You’ve run out of Acme False Facts? Well, then, you’ll be happy to know the new set is to be issued next week. In the meantime, here are a few samples for you to try out.

Acme False Facts help you to establish yourself as a wise and knowledgeable person without going to the trouble to learn anything. All it takes is a bold front! Deliver your Acme False Fact in an authoritative tone, and don’t be afraid to back it up with imaginary sources. Whatever you say, say it with conviction! That’s what makes college professors and TV news anchors so successful.

Here you go. Try these:

Harcourt W. Smirch was President of the United States for seven weeks in 1839, but no one noticed.

According to the latest Plummer Poll [there’s no such thing, but people will be afraid to challenge you on this], 16.3 percent of Americans with eight or more years of college go on to be superheroes.

The world’s oldest baseball cards were manufactured in Persia in 1782. Today a Faraz Azwad, shortstop, Ecbatana Willies card sells for $902 million.

The Greenland beaver went extinct in May of 1952, but is now making a comeback, according to a UNESCO report.

Remember, say ’em like you know them to be true and only a thorough ignoramus would doubt you. And if anyone does dare to question you, just look at him a certain way and ask, in as condescending a manner as you can, “Are you in the habit of denying established facts?” That usually shrivels ’em up pretty fast.

More False Facts!

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It’s a tough problem. You want people to think you’re smart, but you’ve been to college and now you don’t know anything.

But help is on the way! The latest set of False Facts from Acme will help you live your dream. Just trot out a few of these and wow ’em with your knowledge. Say them confidently, authoritatively, and you’re home free.

Sneak preview: the new set includes the following goodies.

*In 1956 there were 1.6 million unemployed shepherds in the city of Toronto. Now there are only four.

*The Greek philosopher Aristotle actually lived in Trinidad. His name, in ancient Greek, means “kitchen utensil.”

*Dwight D. Eisenhower was only 14 years old when he planned the D-Day invasion.

*Switzerland has the highest per capita income in Asia.

*The planet Neptune was originally located in New Jersey, but it broke off in 446 B.C.

Those should be enough to get you started on your new career as a savant!

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