G’day and Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here–as deputy provost in charge of something-or-other here at Quokka University. And I’m here to thank Acme False Facts Inc. for providing another fund-raiser for our university, a special False Facts card set, with half the proceeds going to Quokka U.
Here are a few samples from this special set of False Facts.
*The country of Spain disappeared for three days in July, 1888–and no one noticed.
*The Roman Emperor Hadrian had a pet squid named Dion who would do a soft-shoe routine on command. Said a visiting Pictish chieftain, “Who knew it could even be done on ten legs?”
*If consumed in sufficient quantities, Nabisco Shredded Wheat forces you to relive other people’s past lives. It does take an awful lot of Shredded Wheat, though.
*Highway No. 404 in Tajikistan takes motorists deep underwater in the Indian Ocean. No one has ever come back.
*In 1867 a baker named Postlethwaite, hired to create a special birthday cake for Napoleon III, missed so many deadlines that he brought on the Franco-Prussian War in 1870.
Remember–False Facts are even better than real facts, because no one can find anything to disprove them. But you have to speak them with conviction! Only then do you get a reputation for knowing things that no one else knows.
We are also selling season tickets for our pick-up sticks team. All we need now is a season.
We believe a lot of things that aren’t true. Believe? No–we know these things! Because someone told us. We heard it somewhere. Yeah, it was on NPR. Man-Made Climate Change. Systemic Racism. Things that other people made up.
Every time a truth is told, a Democrat breaks out in hives.
G’day–or not so good! Byron the Quokka here, and I dassn’t tell you where “here” is because there’s a bloke runnin’ all over Rottnest Island trying to slap a lawsuit on me. I knew these new dorms had to be good for something. They look just like tufts of grass, don’t they?
I can hardly believe there’s someone suing us–suing Quokka University, by jove!–for teaching things that aren’t true. Good grief! Do you think you can get a college accredited by teaching truth? Pull the other one! The whole academic world would come after us with shotguns if we ever taught anything that’s true.
We are in trouble because we plainly labeled our false facts “False Facts.” Guaranteed not to be true! You have our word on it! Crikey, they’re not our false facts at all, we’re just usin’ ’em for fund-raising: it’s Acme False Facts Inc. that they ought to be suing.
Well, now we’re going to have to go to the bother of luring the crocodile in from the salt marshes and luring the lawsuit wallah into the pond with the crocodile. We are told that this is what universities do with anyone who gets in their way. Well, we do want our accreditation, don’t we? When in Rome, etc.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, raising funds for Quokka University. And what better way to rake in the bucks than to offer an all-new set of Acme False Facts? (We thank Acme’s former chief financial officer for signing their agreement with our university. It’s not our fault he didn’t read it first.)
I’ve gone through the set, and I can tell you that our Quokka U. edition is as false as they come! Puts us right up there with the other colleges. Just to give you a taste of it, here are a few of my favorite examples.
*In 1948 astronomer Reginald Swabb discovered three new planets which he named Moe, Larry, and Curly. All three can be seen with the naked eye, but not with a telescope.
*Movies and TV shows featuring actor Kevin Costner cannot be shown legally in Fester County, India.
*The U.S. Supreme Court once had two chief justices named W. Anthony Busterson, neither of whom could speak or write.
*The highly poisonous Jamaican Dust-mop Spider is the most popular pet among the elusive Basketball People of central Italy, whom no one in the provincial government has been able to find lately.
*The custom of reading the minutes of the last public meeting at the current public meeting once resulted in the ossification of four members of the Bazookistan Township Committee; but no one noticed until three meetings farther on.
Remember, if you want people to think you’re incredibly well-informed when you’re not, just puff out your chest, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and transfix ’em with a False Fact. That ought to do it.
Running out of things to do during The Great Quarantine? Well, there will never be a better time to polish up your reputation as somebody who knows things that nobody else knows! And Acme False Facts is here to help, with a special Quarantine Edition.
Remember–it’s not what you say: it’s with how much conviction you can say it.
Here are a few outstanding examples.
Jim Bowie’s real name was James Skbiertzsky; but he changed it because, he explained, “Who the dickens would want to buy a Skbiertzsky knife?”
Brownies secretly hold a convention every year in Oklahoma.
The planet Neptune has no gravity. You could look it up.
In 1879, all the men in Proktov, Siberia, woke up one morning with extra toes. Scientists attribute this to a bad batch of toothpaste cookies.
Speaking of the paranormal, the only sure way to get rid of skinwalkers is to take away their flip-flops.
Episodes of The Tim Conway Show, when played backwards, reveal a failed conspiracy to subvert the Austrian Navy.
All these, and many more, are available in a set of lavishly-decorated flash cards in a burglar-proof cardboard strongbox–a steal at $245.95 wherever such things are sold.
Greetings, earthlings! Byron here, your official spokesquokka for Acme False Facts, introducing the newest collectible set, False Facts 7.0.
The nooze has been just so bleak and dreary lately that Acme stepped up its production schedule–we need False Facts! How else are you going to impress people? Even a poor benighted platypus can stand tall, delivering genuine False Facts that nobody else in the room ever heard of! Here are just a few samples.
George Washington’s real name was Harvey, but he had it changed to confuse King George III of England. It worked. In fact, it drove the king mad, trying to work out who was who.
The ancient Minoan civilization on Crete went out of business because no one could speak their language–not even themselves.
Since the invention of The Forbidden Emoji, at least 96 persons who used it in their social media posts have gone missing. We’d have to be crazy, to show a picture of it.
Kumquat College now offers a degree program in Paranormal Etiquette.
Nikola Tesla invented a yo-yo that didn’t work.
It’s perfectly safe to have a pet wolverine in your house. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
By the year 2052, according to a peer-reviewed study by Acme Scientific Studies Inc., half the people in the Holy Roman Empire will look like Greta Thunberg. The other half will have fled the country.
There you have it, folks! Seven zingers. Want people to think you’re smart for knowing things that they don’t know? Acme False Facts to the rescue! Remember–it’s not what you say, but how authoritatively you say it!
Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with Series VI of Acme False Facts. Aunt Feezy gave me a set for Christmas–I’m afraid she thought the facts were real: us quokkas are trusting souls–and I can hardly wait to impress all the other quokkas with my new-found bogus knowledge!
Without further ado, here are my favorite False Facts, so far.
*Benjamin Franklin invented the cell phone in 1771, but lost interest in it when there was no one to call.
*In 1951 President Mickey Vernon attempted to appoint his horse, Shorty, to the United States Supreme Court. This led to the discovery that he wasn’t really the president, but the Senate confirmed the appointment anyway.
*Kansas City was originally in Japan, but relocated in 1869.
*Ancient astronauts discovered Play-Doh on Mars and brought it to earth in 502 B.C.
*A centipede named Nobody’s Fool won the Kentucky Derby in 1963, but his victory was disallowed because he used too many legs.
I could do this all day, but I won’t–I’ve got a Christmas carol contest to administer.
Remember! Stand up straight, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and speak with unshakeable confidence! And you’ll have a future in politics.
It pains us to report that certain unscrupulous persons are horning in on the market created and nurtured by Acme False Facts Inc., the original and authentic false facts.
However, the discerning customer will quickly be able to see the difference between a real false fact, provided by Acme, and a phony false fact from Oobatz False Facts Inc.–pretenders and interlopers that they are.
A) Gerbils evolved from birds.
B) Robin Hood is buried in Abilene, Kansas.
Now, which of those is the authentic, genuine, Acme false fact, and which one is the cheap Oobatz imitation? Of course! You spotted it instantly. False Fact A is authentic, and B is just a lot of hooey that no one with the intelligence of a paramecium would ever believe!
We have truly sunk to a new depth, haven’t we, when money-grubbing scoundrels have to stoop to counterfeiting False Facts. And no, we are not impressed by Oobatz’s spurious “guarantee” that all of their false facts are verifiably false, or your money back.
If you’re stuck for a gift for yourself, once again it’s Acme False Facts to the rescue!
If you want people to think you’re really smart, because you know a lot of things that they don’t know, or never even imagined, just stand up straight, shoulders back, chest out, look ’em in the eye, and trot out one of these certified genuine False Facts.
Here are a couple of tantalizing examples from False Facts 5.0:
*Elizabeth Warren’s proposed 70% tax rate will still leave you with 85% of your money, according to scientific economists at Fimbo State University.
*Frog DNA added to your toothpaste, when consumed in sufficient quantity, will cause your gender to change spontaneously.
*The ancient Egyptians had cell phones. You could look it up.
*The first functioning time machine was built in 1625 by an Irish bishop, who used it to journey into the future. He has not yet returned.
*There is no such place as Hungary.
Remember, it’s not what you say, but how authoritatively you say it! Every politician, climate scientist, and used car salesman knows that.