Rubella State University has instituted a set of new policies that will make sexual harassment “totally impossible,” says the school’s dean of Diversity Enforcement, Dr. Sylvia Jidrool.
Starting in the fall semester this September, Rubella will ban “all forms of interpersonal interaction,” explains the dean. Students will have to wear blindfolds to, from, and during class and will be forbidden to speak to one another. “No looking, no talking, no touching–no communication of any kind!” says the dean. “Like, if you can’t say anything at all, you can’t say anything wrong. We’re kind of surprised no one’s thought of this before.”
The new rules will not apply to anyone who has made a donation of $500 or more to the Democrat Party. That would be 98.9% of university personnel. For a donation of $1,000 or more, no rules of any kind apply.
But for everyone else, says Dr. Jidrool, “interpersonal interactions will be totally forbidden. Mind you, we do expect our students to keep their Sexual Performance Journals up to date! But you have to do it without seeing, speaking, or touching.”
Some limited communication will be permitted in the form of hand-held bicycle horns.