I Whant ‘to’ Joyne ‘The’ Forrin Lesion!!! REPRINT

French Foreign Legion | History & Facts | Britannica

From December 15, 2023

Dam! I fawled Asleep “last’ Nite and mist this!!! Butt I heared abuout It layter!!!!

Did yiu know yiu cood joyne The Frentch Forrin Lesion?!? It terns Oaut thare “was” A” Recrooter heer “at” our collidge lassed Nite and he was geting stodints to sine up foar The Forrin Lesion and you get this Neet Hat and go to Frants and has spatial fyne Frentch foode and thay givv yiu this heer Red thing that yiu ware “On” yore shurt!!!! Frants is beter thann Amaricka ennyhaow,, thay “got” Socile Jutstus thare!!!!! Awl yiu has got To “do” is sine up and thay givv yiu this here “grate” Big Gun!!

I know my Hisstry!!! Gorge Burns and Edy Kantor thay was bowth “in the” Forrin Lesion and thay got To be Moovie Stars!!!!!! And yiu doughnt has to Do “ennything” reel harrd be-cawse Frants loses awl Its Wars ennyhaow!!! Mostly thay has grate Partys and go swiming On “the” Rivera!!!!

And I thinck “the”cool Hat whil fitt “oaver” my moth antenners!!!

School Punishes Boy for Sharing Lunch REPRINT

From September 24, 2014

The link in the article does not work, but if you scroll down in the comments, Marlene’s comment has the link and a copy of the detention slip  PD)

So you’re absolutely, positive sure you want these idiot public schools “educating” your children? You’re really confident you can’t do just as good a job yourself?

Out in California, the Weaverville Elementary School punished an eight-grader with detention for sharing his lunch with another kid ( http://www.krcrtv.com/new/local/student-put-in-detention-for-sharing-school-lunch/28115110 ). The 13-year-old shared his chicken burrito with a friend who didn’t like the cheese sandwich slapped on his plate by the school cafeteria staff.

As usual, the brain-deads running the show took refuge in the “we have a policy” mantra, yatta-yatta. You never have to think about anything, if you have a policy.

But, see, they have thought about it! You’re not gonna believe me, so read up on what the founders of “public education” have to say for themselves. Check out R.J. Rushdoony’s The Messianic Character of American Education, which is mostly quotes from leading “education” theorists going back 150 years ( available from The Chalcedon Foundation, http://www.chalcedon.edu ). Their goal has always been the same: to turn schools and teachers into “change agents” to re-engineer human society along the socialist lines always proposed by left-wing moral imbeciles.

“Oh! But that happened out in California! They’d never do that in one of our town’s schools!”

Wise up, people. The same teachers’ unions run public education in all 50 states. Being in Texas won’t help you; your kids will get the same rubbish that they’d get in Massachusetts.

School officials in Weaverville say they forbid food-sharing because it might lead to kids dropping dead from allergies, or what have you.

Nah. They want to train the kids to accept without question whatever they are given, whether it’s a cheese sandwich in the cafeteria, or Global Warming and “Barack Hussein Obama, Mm-mm-hmm!” in the classroom.

Please, get your children out of there.

Small Town Pushes Back REPRINT

From October 17, 2022

 

What the cities can’t do, maybe our small towns can!

[Thanks to Jeri Lynn for the news tip]

(I am so tired today! Weather’s turned rotten, that must be it.)

Can “teachers” and librarians hand out to children any old smut they please… and be immune from the prosecution that would ensue if you did it?

The state of Kansas says yes.

But the town of Edwardsville, KS, pop. 4,800, says no (https://readlion.com/2022/09/29/small-kansas-town-council-rejects-states-legal-protections-for-teachers-librarians-who-submit-obscene-materials-to-minors/?fbclid=IwAR3wZxal_F5TNpbgnOwYueOcW57zteY3WWqGorh3dGGRHMfEBptw1Na3gqs).

Kansas has a Uniform Public Offenses Code to serve as a model for towns and villages who want to make amendments to their respective governments. Many states have such codes. And in Kansas’ code, teachers and librarians can distribute sexually-charged materials to very young children–with no fear of prosecution.

The mayor and council of Edwardsville rejected that provision. There are many compelling reasons for not habituating children to pornography. Everybody knows that except “educators” at teachers’ colleges, unionized teachers, pedophiles, and Far Left morons. Oh–and “TV personalities,” too. Get your 8-year-olds jazzed up for sex!

But they won’t let you do that in Edwardsville.

The Lord Our God does not despise the day of small things, and neither should we. Rejoice! We owe the mayor and council of Edwardsville our gratitude.

May their example inspire others to do the same.

Honest, I Was Kidding REPRINT

See the source image

From December 15, 2019

Joe Collidge at rest

I’m a little daunted by the inexplicable success of Friday’s “Joe Collidge” post, “Trumpt he Is Finnished.” It had only seven views the day it came out: “Laid an egg with that one,” I thought. But Saturday it had 27–unheard-of! And this morning, ten more.

Just for the record, President Trump is not “Finnished” by any means, although we can surely hope the freakin’ Democrats are. Here in New Jersey, one of our Democrat Congressman is so disgusted with the dum-dum on Capitol Hill, he has announced his intention to turn Republican.

One of the perils of writing satire is that someone might take it seriously. I try to stay outside the bounds of credibility when I write satire, but the boundaries of real-world silliness are expanding all the time. What’s satire today may well be news tomorrow.

The “Joe Collidge” pieces are written with satirical intent, as a commentary on the blustering, blithering twaddle that calls itself “higher education.” If Joe ever says anything that turns out to be true, it’s pure accident. He certainly wouldn’t do it on purpose.

So don’t be afraid of anything he says. But be afraid of an “education” system that cranks out liberals. Be very afraid of that.

The Quokka U. Film Project REPRINT

From August 22, 2020

Quokkas Are So Cute People Can't Believe They're Real - UNILAD

Lights! Camera! Action!

Byron the Quokka here, with the latest from Quokka University! We’re not open yet, but we’re already dreaming up spectacular academic and cultural triumphs that’ll put us on the map before you can say “Abombalbap!” Actually, I’ve heard some people have a lot of trouble just saying that at all…

But hark! Introducing the Quokka University Film Project! Yes, we will create and release an extraordinary feature film, just as soon as we can raise the money for it. We know you’ll all want to contribute, once you hear what the movie’s going to be about. May we have a trumpet fanfare, please?

Introducing [da-tada-da!]… from Quokka U. Studios…

Oy, Rodney: The Catastrophe. Starring a lot of quokkas, koalas, and wallabies! Mel Gibson wanted to direct it, but we’re going for “the Outback Hitchcock,” who needs no introduction so I won’t give him one.

We wanted Rachel Ward to play Lady Margo Cargo, but she ran away. No problem–Rottnest Island’s full of quokkas who can act the hind leg off a donkey.

We realize we have a lot of big old established universities as our competition, and they’ll do just about anything to stay on top. Well, let ’em try! If we can’t do better than Stanford or some other place like that, we don’t deserve to have a university.

Joe Collidge Discovers Cryptozoology REPRINT

 

 

 

 

 

Rabbit Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

 

From July 10, 2020

I wented to “a” reel kool lexture “last” nihght it was all abuot a New Scyints i has nevver herd “Of” it is caled Clepto-Zoo-Olligy! Oar somb thing “lyke” That!!

Did yiu know thare is aminals alll Over “the” Whirld that noboddy thay has sceen themb befour??? Somb of themb is Dynasores and Willy mammeths but somb of themb “thay” are smawl aminals and clepto zooollagists thay “Are” loocking al Over “the” plaice to fyned themb!!!!

We seen a Lot “of” slydes of theeze Secret Creetchers lyke :the “ones” up thare In the Pixture,, i hasnt nevver sceene nothing Like themb befour,, thay live Up In “The” deeep wooulds ware thare “is” aslo Big Foot and Choopa Capra and the Lock Nest Manster!!!!! Somboddy whoo was jist “a” Biggit “and” a Hater he sayed thay “are” Ownly plane old Rabbets so we beet himb up,, that is reel Socile Jutstus!!!!

Heer is anether Clepto Aminal.

Considering Consciousness Through The Eyes Of A Squirrel : 13.7: Cosmos And Culture : NPR

At frist i thinked I sceene One “Of” theeze onct rihght hear On Our Campis it was clyming “a” Treee but ackturally it is a Seecrit Clepto Zology Creetcher it livves in Affricker and the Naytivves thay are al Afrayed of it!!!! The lexture sayed it jist gose “To Shoh” that thare is Seecrit Creetchers evry ware!!!

The lexture thay sayed theeze aminals thay Are Prooof that Evilusion it is Reel and evin Peeple thay are goingto Evolve “into” somb thing Elsse so i amb goingto Keep a Iye out fore “it”!!!!!!

Joe Collidge Is… Pregnant? REPRINT

Conceptual image of a pregnant man Stock Photo - Alamy

From  August 18, 2023

 

(And you thought it was a beer belly!)

O waht grate news!! Wahoo!!! The AM.A thay has figgred Out “haow to” get Trans Wimmins who Used “to” Be Men, haow to Get us Pregganint!!!!!!!!!!

It whil ownly Cost 300$Thowzind each,, “and” thay whil Trans Plannt a Yuteriss into yore gutz and Thare yiu go,,, yiu Can “be” Pregganint jist lyke a regglur wimmin ((OOps! i dint meen it!! Thare “Is” NO SUTCH THING as a Regglur Wimmin, we “Are” awl wahttevver )we Identrify As!!!!!

Iff yiu “get one(1)” Of themb yutarisses Trans Plant, heer it Is “The” Besst Thing abuot It—Yiu duzznt has “to” pay! The Guvvermint thay wil pay!!! Awl the munny it whil com fromb Tackses, witch “is” the “saim” as getting It For Free!!!!! How grate Is that?!?!?

Re-memmber, Sciyints It “is” awlyaws Rite and thare is lotza Sciyintists in the AM,A and sumb Of themb thay been to Meddackle Skool!!!!!

[Editor’s Note: You could look it up.]

More College Ca-ca REPRINT

From  March 14, 2017

I don’t know why no one seems to perceive that God is chastising our whole Western civilization–chastising us in the kind of destructive idiots He raises up to be rulers over us, and in the increasingly vain and empty-headed exercise which we still call “higher education.”

At Carlton University, they’ve taken the scales out of the gym because, in the words of one student, “Scales are very triggering” ( https://townhall.com/columnists/michaelbrown/2017/03/14/what-this-campus-has-done-is-beyond-stupid-n2298659 ). And in the words of the university administration, “Being fixated on weight does not have any positive affect [note the misspelling: has Joe Collidge been promoted?] on your health.”

Wanting to get in on the act, Bucknell University has taken away the mirrors, because mirrors are bad for “body positivity.” And to think I’ve lived this long, only today to hear of “body positivity.” Where has this concept been all my life?

Yo, Western world, wakey-wakey! God is mad at us. Does anybody really, truly think it’s a good idea to turn millions of young people into totally dysfunctional wastes of space?

You know what scares me the most? The strong suspicion that we are still a long, long way from even realizing that we’re being chastised for our sins, let alone from actually repenting and turning away from them, turning back to God. The fear that the fun has only just started: we’ve only seen the warmup tosses–wait’ll we get the high hummer right between the eyes.

Remember us, O God, who have been praying for our country, that the people would come back to their senses. Father in Heaven, for Jesus’ sake have mercy on us, and bring us back to sanity–before the full bill comes due. Amen.

We Has ‘Got’ To Ban Coughffee!!! REPRINT

From January 20, 2023

Coffee Cup Convection | A Moment of Science - Indiana Public Media

Oh, “man”!”! We has jist fowned Out “that” coughffee “it” cawzes Climbit Chainge!!!! So we cauled a Merjintsy Meting “of The” Stoodint Soviet to de-mannd thay Ban Coughffee heer “At” collidge!!!!

We whur goingto voat “To” Ban Evvrything!!! but desiddid Not To Doo That becoze thenn Pot it wood “get bannned” and wee has Nutthing Left “to” Live Foar!!!!!! Suure glad we duckked That Bullit!!! So insted we jist bannned Coughffee!!

I knowed coughffee it Is Racist,, but i diddn Know “it is aslo” maiking the Climbit Chainge!! So fromb nhow On, ownly Spacial Heumin Beans lyke Johhn Kery shood be aloud “to”” Drinck It!!!!! We diddn Know That till this heer gye At Daavos he sayed so!!!!!! He aslo sayed We shood Eat Bugs and i tryed “It” oncet butt it hadd awl themb Legs kickkin and scrachin At Oncet and it got reely icky wen i chooed It!!!!!! Mayby a centerpeed it “whas” the rong kyned Of Bug!!!!

We voated yumannamus to Ban Coughffee and enny boddy whoo trys “to Drinck It” nhow,, thay whil Be Sari!!!!!

I Amb Drackuler!!! REPRINT

Dracul: See the haunting cover for the Dracula prequel | EW.com

 

From November 5, 2019

Oman! To-morro “it” is Hallaween and I amb all “set!”! I amb goingto “be” Cownt Drackuler!!!! and i has a reel Scairy cosstomb for it too!

[Editor’s Note: Someone has asked me why Joe Collidge thinks Halloween is tomorrow, when it was last week. The answer to that question is “Because he’s an idiot.”]

Somb of yiu probbly doughnt know “abote” Drackuler! He was a Vampire!!! Thay cawl themb that becose a Vampire he wares “a” Black sute like a Umpire in a bawlgame!! The reel Drackuler he livved long Ago “in” whatt “is” nhow Nibrasker but it was cawled Trancilvainyer back Then!!!!! He hadded a cassle And “cood” tern hisself Into A Batt!!!! How cool “is” that???

Thare is lotts “Of” mooveys abuot Drackuler, i think i seen one once,, he Was “in a” Car or sombthing!!! Then he drincked somb blood!!!!! He hased theeze big teeths and i bett he wares “one” “of” themb MAGGA hats too but i amb hear At collidge and i coodnt fyned no MAGGA had and I woodnt “whare” one annyhow!!!!! Like thare Is “a” limmit!!!

So to-morro i whill Put “on” “my” cosstomb and Scaire peeple so thay wil Give “me” Candy!!!! Woodnt “that” “be” grate iff thay Thawt i reely amb Drackuler!!!! Mayby thay wood give me muney tooo!!!!!!