In keeping with California’s commitment to lead the rest of America into the utopian future, Gov. Jerry Brown has proclaimed July 4 “Dependence Day,” instead of “Independence Day.”
“They laugh at us now,” said the governor, “but in twenty years, the whole United States will be just like California!”
“As every college-educated person knows,” he said, “work blows and no one should ever have to work. Nor should anyone ever have to pay for anything. Someday, and sooner than you think, thanks to Artificial Intelligence, our every need will be provided by the state.”
Brown outlined a “road map to the future” which will start with every resident of California receiving a state-certified college degree in the subject of xer choice.
“Whatever you want, you name it, you’ve got it! Gender Studies, LGBT and Disability Studies, Engineering, Computer Technology, Undocumented Migrant Studies, Cowboy Poetry, Super-Hero Studies–it’s yours for the asking. And your degree will count just as much as if you physically attended a university for six or seven years!”
The next step, he said, will be “to completely erase California’s border with Mexico so everyone in Mexico can come right in and get free stuff! And anyone from anywhere else, for that matter, who doesn’t mind coming here through Mexico.”
Supporting these measures will be a 100% income tax, a 100% property tax, and a 100% tax on corporate profits.
“And get this!” he added. “Free tents will be provided in lieu of conventional housing–just think of the savings, with no more private homes gobbling up electricity! Not to mention Saving The Planet from Man-Made Climate Change! From now on, only Very Special Persons, like me, will live in houses–really nice ones, too. Because, after all, guiding America into the future is hard work, and those of us who do that work won’t have time to be out there foraging for food. But we’re really only talking about a very few of us. The great mass of the people will be swaddled in the bosom of Equality!”
The first free college degrees are already being printed, he said, and will soon be available to anyone who requests one.