Is Old Age Contagious?

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Forever young!

Cottage Grove Church (United Methodist), in Woodbury, Minnesota, has asked its older members–virtually all the congregation–to go somewhere else for a couple of years so the church can attract younger members (

The over-60s have been asked to keep maintaining the church, which has been temporarily closed, until it re-opens… without them. Make like a breeze, and blow. But only “to make it more appealing to young people.”

Suspecting that something more than mere foolishness lies behind this move, we have consulted a profoundly unreliable source who has intuited the concealed motive.

“Basically they’re afraid old age is contagious,” said a church official who didn’t want his name revealed, and who spoke to our source after he was paid $20. “Look! You bring a nice 25-year-old couple, with two little kids, into the church–right? And what happens? Being around all them older folks, they, too, get old! Wait just 35 years and those nice 25-year-olds are suddenly sixty! And their kids aren’t kids anymore–which makes it so awkward to keep them in Sunday school!”

Another church official, for $22.50, said the church would “do whatever it takes” to attract young people. “We don’t care what we have to offer them,” he said: “beauty contests, celebrity worship, TV cop shows on the big screen, swinging singles, door prizes, food fights–whatever puts their fannies in the pews!”

A new advertising campaign will be launched in a few days, touting “The church that keeps you young forever!” The cartoon character on the poster looks a lot like Peter Pan.

No one was able to confirm a rumor that the church will be renamed The Fountain of Perpetual Youth, although our source has advised us to bet on it.

(Editor’s note: This post blends news and satire. We expect the reader to be able to tell the difference–even if the actual participants in these events can’t.)



13 comments on “Is Old Age Contagious?

  1. Enjoyed the read. Thanks for the satire vs news disclaimer. I might have said something stupid – lol.

    1. LOL – yes. If they are what comes out of their mouths, it’s even worse than that.

    1. I often say that I know I’m old when middle-aged women call me “sweetie” or “honey.” 🙂

    2. Well, I’m still pretty spry at 78, but I have to admit that I’m not quite as lithe and energetic as I was when I was a youngster of 70. 🙂

  2. This sounds like the church we have been members of for 27 years. We got old – shame on us. At least we haven’t died off yet as so many in our church have. We are down to about 45 in church on Sunday mornings and the sanctuary is filled with gray hair. We are down to four children and three teens. As an elder and member of the church board we are seeking God’s will for our church because in truth it is His church. The last church (PCA) I was a member of had to dissolve for this same reason.

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