Cottage Grove Church (United Methodist), in Woodbury, Minnesota, has asked its older members–virtually all the congregation–to go somewhere else for a couple of years so the church can attract younger members (https://patch.com/minnesota/woodbury/cottage-grove-church-older-members-take-hike).
The over-60s have been asked to keep maintaining the church, which has been temporarily closed, until it re-opens… without them. Make like a breeze, and blow. But only “to make it more appealing to young people.”
Suspecting that something more than mere foolishness lies behind this move, we have consulted a profoundly unreliable source who has intuited the concealed motive.
“Basically they’re afraid old age is contagious,” said a church official who didn’t want his name revealed, and who spoke to our source after he was paid $20. “Look! You bring a nice 25-year-old couple, with two little kids, into the church–right? And what happens? Being around all them older folks, they, too, get old! Wait just 35 years and those nice 25-year-olds are suddenly sixty! And their kids aren’t kids anymore–which makes it so awkward to keep them in Sunday school!”
Another church official, for $22.50, said the church would “do whatever it takes” to attract young people. “We don’t care what we have to offer them,” he said: “beauty contests, celebrity worship, TV cop shows on the big screen, swinging singles, door prizes, food fights–whatever puts their fannies in the pews!”
A new advertising campaign will be launched in a few days, touting “The church that keeps you young forever!” The cartoon character on the poster looks a lot like Peter Pan.
No one was able to confirm a rumor that the church will be renamed The Fountain of Perpetual Youth, although our source has advised us to bet on it.
(Editor’s note: This post blends news and satire. We expect the reader to be able to tell the difference–even if the actual participants in these events can’t.)