Category: Pop Culture

The Top 5 Things Not to Say at a Fancy Dinner Party

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

I’ve been watching a lot of Agatha Christie’s Poirot lately on youtube, and can’t help being impressed by the high society of the 1930s, in which Hercule Poirot finds his milieu. The formal dinner jackets, the lavish gowns, the jewelry, those long, long dining tables heaped with silver and crystal… And I’m so afraid that I’ll embarrass myself, if I ever get invited to one of those wingdings.

To guard against my making a fool of myself, I have prepared a list of five things never to say at the dinner table. If I can just avoid these, I ought to do all right in high society.

1. “So what is the best treatment for toenail fungus?”

2. “Gee, I bet this stuff cost a fortune!”

3. “I saw this great midget wrestling match once…”

4. “Are you really going to eat that? I tried it once, and I was on the pot all night! And if that weren’t bad enough,” etc.

5. “I was reading about this famous autopsy…”

You can be sure none of these remarks would ever issue from Poirot’s lips.

 

Costco Labels the Bible ‘Fiction’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

In a Costco store in Simi Valley, CA, thousands of Bibles carried stickers that read, Fiction $14.99.

Fiction, of course, is something that is not true.

As reported by Fox News and other sources ( http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/11/18/costco-bible-is fiction/?intcmp=obnetwork ), someone at Costco said the placement of the “Fiction” stickers on the Bible was a “human error” that has since been “fixed.” Then they clammed up about it altogether.

I visited my local Costco to see if they were labeling the Bible as fiction there, but there they didn’t have any Bibles at all.

Has Richard Dawkins been named CEO of Costco? Was it just some sophomoric atheist in the stockroom playing a childish joke? Or could it have been someone who reasoned that, since Americans treat the Bible as fiction, it might as well be labeled fiction?

When I think “fiction,” I think of the giants of fiction and fantasy–Al Gore, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and that arch-fictioneer in the White House, whose “If you like your current health insurance plan, you can keep it” ranks as one of the all-time great works of fantasy. Betcha Costco has all of them labeled Non-fiction.

Meanwhile, I heed St. Paul’s advice: “Let God be true, but every man a liar” (Romans 3:4).

Update: As of today, Costco has “apologized” for labeling the Bible fiction.

But who is going to apologize for treating it like fiction?

How to Keep Your Deadly Poisonous Snakes

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

A friend sent me two news stories yesterday, to see what I would make of them.

First, a church pastor in Tennessee is defying the state’s ban on possessing wildlife–in this case, dozens of poisonous snakes kept in the church’s snake room. (Did your church have a snake room? Mine didn’t. If I had known, when I was 10 years old, what I was missing–!) The pastor says that if exceptions can be made for zoos, schools, research facilities or whatever, then his church ought to be allowed to keep rattlers, copperheads, and cottonmouths, too. ( http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/16/us/tennessee-pastor-disputes-wildlife-possession-charge-by-state.html?_r=0 )

Second: more and more travelers are complaining about airlines allowing passengers to bring their pets aboard–not in cages or carriers, but sitting on the seats or even wandering around loose in the aisle. ( http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/16/business/emotional-support-with-fur-draws-complaints-on-planes.html?hpw&rref=health&_r=0 ) Thanks to the American Disabilities Act, you can bring pretty much any kind of animal you please onto the plane with you, as long as you’ve got a letter from a “mental health professional” certifying that this dog, cat, or hamster is a “emotional support animal” and not just a pet going on a trip with you. A lot of the other passengers have a hard time understanding that distinction. I am reminded of Mavis Pugh in the classic Fawlty Towers episode, “The Kipper and the Corpse,” bringing her obnoxious little dog into the hotel dining room.

When I read these two stories, a connection leaped immediately to mind.

Why doesn’t the pastor have his poisonous snakes declared emotional support animals? It’d be the easiest thing in the world to find some daft mental health professional who’d gladly write a letter to that effect. Hey, where does it say you can only have your emotional support animals on an airplane?

Problem solved!

The Day of the Pimp

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

To rally support for Obamacare, idiots in Colorado have loosed a new ad campaign exhorting women to have promiscuous sex. In the words of the Colorado Observer’s headline, “Fans of Obamacare Urge Young Women to Hook Up in Edgy Ads” ( http://thecoloradoobserver.com/2013/11/fans-of-obamacare-urge-young-women-to-hook-up-in-edgy-ads ).

One of the ads illustrated shows a young woman ogling a young man with the caption, “OMG, he’s hot! Let’s hope he’s as easy to get as this birth control.”

OMG is shorthand for taking the Lord’s name in vain. Well, you know how some sinners think: in for a penny, in for a pound.

The idea they’re pushing here, of course, is that, thanks to Obamacare, young women are now “free” to have sex with as many different men as they please–because the government will provide them with contraceptives paid for by other people, and, if that don’t work, abortions paid for by other people. So get out there and start slutting!

Remember–the progressive/liberal/commie plan is always to estrange people from God by encouraging them to sin, and so make them totally creatures of the all-devouring State. For a deeper understanding of how it works, read up on Mau-Mau initiation rituals.

P** on my Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Some of you think chess is boring; but I don’t think many of you would think that a $2.55 million prize purse is boring.

This year’s World Chess Championship–in which Viswanathan Anand (India) defends his title against the top-rated player in the world, Magnus Carlsen (Norway)–offers a purse of more than two-and-a-half million smackers, 60% to the winner, 40% to the loser. That ought to make it exciting, right?

Wrong. So far, this is the worst “world championship chess” I’ve ever seen.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned; but I think chess games between the two top players in the world ought to be good games, packed with drama, tension, brilliancy, and art. But the first three games of this match have been terrible.

In Game One they went 13 moves into the game, and while still in the opening phase, repeated their moves three times in a row to force an automatic draw. In Game Two they went a few moves longer before again forcing a draw by repetition of moves. And in Game Three they actually got into the middle game–then, seeming to lose interest, they exchanged all their pieces (chess as a fire sale?) until they had none left, thus forcing yet another automatic draw.

I wonder what a ticket costs. Anything over 49 cents, you got robbed.

A few commentators have tried to defend this fiasco by saying, “Well, hey, these guys play at such a high level, only a few of the top grand masters of chess can hope to understand these games.” As Judge Judy says, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” These games stink! Anand and Carlsen are playing like they’re just trying to get it over with so they can enter a Monopoly tournament.

I hope nobody’s thinking, “Gee, even if I lose, I still walk off with over a million dollars–just for showing up! Why give myself grey hairs, trying to win?”

I wonder what would happen if they knocked $50,000 or $100,000 off the purse, every time there’s a draw.

If big-time chess isn’t dead already, events like this will kill it.

 

Atheist Mega-Churches (New Fad)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

This is bound to take its place alongside of pet rocks and Nehru jackets.

The “news media” this weekend–Fox, CBS, NBC– all featured reports of what they were calling “atheist mega-churches.” These are large gatherings, on a Sunday morning, of people who want all the church stuff but without belief in God.

It was started by two British comedians. It’s awash in money. They get together and sing “Here Comes the Sun” and “Lean on Me.” I’m sure they sing “Imagine,” too, although that wasn’t mentioned in any of the news articles. Like, right there is ample reason to stay away.

The services feature music, sermons without God, and assorted feel-good-about-yourself activities.

I’m confused. How do you tell the difference between one of these “atheist mega-churches” and a regular mega-church? If it’s that hard for us to tell, will God trouble Himself to make a distinction?

When the Son of Man returns, will He find faith on the earth? (Luke 18:8)

Only if He knows where to look.

 

To a Better You (Ugh)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of kids with giant chessmen

I saw a little video this morning, at http://www.chesscafe.com , of kids playing chess with chessmen bigger than they were. It was at a grade school (in Ohio, I think), and the point of it seemed to be that chess could be used to exercise the body as well as the mind.

It was part of a series of TV news broadcasts entitled, “Upgrade to a Better You.”

That’s all well and good–but what if I don’t have room for a colossal chessboard–not to mention 32 chessmen the size of totem poles? Where the heck would I store them when I wasn’t playing? Put them in the garage, and there’s no room for your car. Bring them inside, and your wife will take a terrible revenge. Leave them outside, and the neighbors will complain.

No, it just won’t do. It’s a wonderful idea to turn chess into a form of hard physical exercise, in order to Upgrade to a Better You. But there has to be a better way than giant chessmen.

Here are a few helpful suggestions, using an ordinary chess set.

1) Glue the chessmen to the board. The more firmly they’re glued, the more calories you burn trying to wrench one loose so you can move it. The drawback is, it kind of slows up the game.

2) Hire a large, strong person to restrict the movements of your arms. Make sure he can do this without losing his temper and beating you up.

3) Set up the chessboard high up in a tall tree so that you have to climb it every time you want to move.

Obviously it is not easy to achieve a Better You; and there is no guarantee that anyone will like the new You better than the old. In fact, they may find the Better You obnoxious. They may even be inclined to defenestrate the Better You, in hopes that the Old You emerges from the hospital bed someday.

 

Google Ads Embarrass Columnist

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Once a week, I have a column in News With Views ( http://www.newswithviews.com ). Last week, I wrote about “church leaders” fleeing from the culture war.

I heard from a couple of readers who wondered if I was quite all there: not because of anything I said, but because of an ad that ran on the same page. It featured a semi-nude woman posed seductively to invite “male gamers” into some kind of imaginary orgy. Hubba-hubba, etc. One reader wanted to know what I thought I was doing, having an ad like that to go along with my column. He said it looked like I was pushing soft-core pornography.

Who, me? I have absolutely nothing to do with whatever ads appear on my page. I passed my readers’ objections on to the editor-in-chief, who soon discovered what had happened.

The ads were put there by Google. ‘Nuff said. This has happened to me before, and to many other writers. You write a column opposing the same-sex parody of marriage, and right up next to it, Google drops an ad for a “gay dating” service.

I am convinced Google does this on purpose, to make the writer look like a hypocrite or, at best, an ass. There’s no reason why the ordinary reader should know how a particular ad winds up on a particular page. So a lot of these readers wind up blaming it on the poor, innocent writer. And the reds at Google score another point against conservatives.

So, in case you’ve ever wondered why an ad for a dominatrix appears next to a column objecting to aberrant sexual lifestyles, remember–the writer didn’t put it there. And on most websites, neither did the editor.

Google did it… to mess with your mind.

 

‘City of Boneheads’ (a Novel for Not Very Bright Teens)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

As someone who writes novels for young people, I try to read as much Young Adult fiction as I can stomach. Occasionally I discover something really good. But not this time.

City of Bones, by Cassandra Clare, was a New York Times best-seller in 2007 and went on to win dozens of awards. I’ve learned that an award from the American Library Assn. usually denotes tacky or unwholesome subject matter.

This particular book embodies most of what’s wrong with YA fiction. Dividing readers into age-group classes is a dumb idea. We don’t have Old Adults or Middle-Aged Adults fiction, or Doddering Adults With One Foot in the Grave Already fiction. Why set up a literary bantustan for younger readers?

(But didn’t you just say you write “novels for young people”? Yeah, I do–in the sense that I don’t presuppose the reader knows or cares about certain matters that only seem to become important after one has passed the age of 50. I also leave out profanity, graphic violence, and sex scenes. The reality is that my publisher disapproves of such things in a novel. I have learned to live without them, and my books are much the better for it. I strive to write material that any reasonably intelligent person from 12 years old and up can enjoy.)

Cassandra Clare is not an awful writer. She knows how to set a scene and how to keep the story flowing. But she writes down to her audience, as if readers under the age of 21 just aren’t able to think outside a narrow “teen culture” box–a little coffin for the brain. Her dialogue is dreadful–what you might expect a clever extraterrestrial to write after spending some decades monitoring MacDonald’s commercials. It would be a better book if the characters never spoke. She even succumbs to the temptation to make her rigidly teenage protagonists superheroes with cool powers. I hate superheroes with cool powers. And there’s a lot of technicolor violence.

After some 200 pages of it, I doubt I’ll have the patience to read all the way to the end of this 500-page monstrosity.

And I can’t think of any reason why you should, either.

Hey, Teens–Clue Me In

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

I am one of those adults who write Young Adults fiction. Note that none of it is actually written by young adults.

Because this is where I park my pen, I try to read a lot of contemporary YA fiction to see what the standards are, these days. It ain’t lookin’ good.

The oldsters who write books for teenagers seem to think “young adults” need a steady diet of gore, cruelty, aberrant sex, and really corny dialogue that will be unreadable, a generation down the road. Most of them write with a certain image of “teen culture” in their minds, and imprison their characters and their readers in it from cover to cover. I know I wouldn’t have liked these books when I was 16.

Here is my shout-out to young readers. If you have teenagers in your house, ask them to respond. I need to hear from them.

Do you folks really like Young Adults fiction, as it is today? Do these books speak to you? Do they create a world in which you want to spend a lot of time? Do the old crocks who write them really understand young people? What does it do for you, to read about persons having sex with vampires–dead bodies, you know–or other kinds of monsters?

I ask because I write books which I hope young readers will enjoy and find edifying, (Sly hint: they make great Christmas presents) without being soppy or patronizing. I can see that mine are very different from most of what’s out there–especially from most of the fantasy, which constitutes a big chunk of the teen market.

Having been young once, I have this notion that I’m still much the same person I was then, and that there isn’t that much difference between “young” and “old”–aside from what is emphasized as a marketing ploy.

Tell me if I’m wrong.