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It is my sad duty to report that Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense and author of the epic romance novel, Oy, Rodney, was punished this past week with 15 minutes in the ducking stool–for allowing a freakin’ commercial [For Frothee Creme… “Now you can always get a head!”] in the middle of Chapter DXXXI. This archaic punishment has been outlawed everywhere in the world except for Ongs Hat, New Jersey. She had the misfortune to be passing through there on Wednesday, and the local beadle recognized her from a dream and swiftly arrested her. Trial and sentence were carried out immediately after: they don’t putter around in Ongs Hat.
(The famous “sturgeon’s photograph” of the Ongs Hat ducking stool in action
All of which gets us, somehow, to Chapter DXXXIV. The Frothing Dragon of Scurveyshire is frothing all over Scurveyshire and damaging potentially valuable real estate.
“Dadburn it!” expostulates the American adventurer, Willis Twombley. “If I shot that critter once, I shot him 20 times! And all I got to show for it is, up to my knees in froth!”
Here Ms. Crepuscular takes a break to talk about her ducking.
“You could drown, y’know–you really could! Do you know they left me underwater for the whole 15 minutes–while they went over to the diner for hot dogs? I have a good mind to sue them!”
So… What happens in Chapter DXXXIV? To say nothing of Chapters DXXXII and DXXXIII. Anyone can write blank chapters!
Maybe they didn’t dunk her long enough.