Tag: Violet Crepuscular

The Accordion Man Cometh (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We are offered a rare glimpse into the creative mind at work, thanks to a notebook carelessly left on a windowsill by Violet Crepuscular, The Queen Of Suspense.

With the June Taylor Dancers, from the 1950s, lurking in the woods around Scurveyshire in the 1850s, what role will Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s 20-pound accordion play in saving the town? And don’t forget Mr. Pudding and his newts! A reader in Pastiche Grove, Michigan, forgot… and a giant spider got her.

The notebook, written in Cretan Linear A, provides tantalizing sketches of the June Taylor Dancers warding off the attacking newts while a bearded man with strange anatomical features (two left hands, for instance) plays a large accordion.

“Over the past 70 years,” she writes, reverting to English for the nonce, “I have found Cretan Linear B superior to the Indus Valley Script when it comes to keeping notes. And either one will drive would-be plagiarists crazy! Go ahead, sucker–plagiarize this!”

Cretan script linear hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

“I like the Indus Valley Script for day-to-day reminders involving goldfish food, etc.; but as you can see by this example, Linear A has it beat.”

Indus Script - World History Encyclopedia Obviously not suitable for serious literary porpoises!

Can We Help the Queen of Suspense? REPRINT FROM 2024

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We’ve been waiting two weeks for Chapter DCCXLIV of Violet Crepuscular’s immortal romance novel, Oy, Rodney. Is she all right?

“She went out trick-or-treatin’ last night,” says her neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, “and never come back. She wears the same costume every year–a milkmaid with sort of a stuffed possum on her shoulder.” Last night was Oct. 5. “She likes to get out there before anybody else,” explains Mr. Pitfall. “Once or twice she came out in August. Nobody ever gives her any candy. I give her some chewin’ tobacco once.”

To recapitulate: The June Taylor Dancers, transported into the Victorian Age, are hiding in the woods around Scurveyshire. Lord Jeremy Coldsore is hunting for them with his 20-pound accordion. And Mr. Pudding is preparing his newts for war. There’s also something about Lady Margo Cargo discovering the source of the Nile, but Ms. Crepuscular has been strangely silent about that.

She does have a message for her readers. If you can’t find a copy of The Scurveyshire Times, here’s the substance of it.

“Dear readers, I have not stopped writing! I am only building up the suspense. That is why they call me The Queen of Suspense. That is why they call my most devoted readers ‘Idiots.’ Next week, honest, I’ll have that chapter for you!”

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Pitfall goes to bed at 6 p.m. every night. If Violet had come home at 6:15, he would have missed her.]

The Private Life of Violet Crepuscular (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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From July 2, 2023

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

“My private, personal life,” writes Violet Crepuscular, preparing to burrow into Chapter DCXLIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, “is almost as passionate and exciting as the lives of my various characters in my epic romance, Oy, Rodney.” [Editorial comment: Oh, do shut up!]

“Even as I plotted the eruption of Mt. Scurveyshire,” she continues, despite protests, “I was being courted by my neighbor Mr. Pitfall’s evil but incredibly dashing cousin, Mr. Stinky. He is on leave from somewhere. He read my latest chapter and immediately proposed marriage to me!” [“Honestly, your honor, I had no idea how absolutely awful this book would be before I published some of it…”]

Ms. Crepuscular continues, rather like a tank rolling over weakly-defended trenches: “At this point I was considering having the hibernating rhino wake up and run amok; but in order to keep the suspense going, I’ve put it off. Instead, we are going to go to The Lying Tart and see what that ritual poking business is about.” For a more detailed explanation, she turns to Constable Chumley.

“Fthairvin, yodz, I habna raickle shifft!” “No one says it better!” chimes in Ms. Crepuscular. “Is that suspense, or what!”

We are unable to confirm or refute a rumor that William Shatner has agreed to reprise his old Star Trek role, Captain Kirk, if they ever make a movie out of Oy, Rodney. Johnno the Merry Minstrel says it’s a sure thing… but who can believe a fictional character?

Violet Crepuscular’s Fan Mail (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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Lord of the tube socks | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book humor

From January 31, 2021

Introducing Chapter CDI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular takes a break from the plot and inserts extractions from some of her fan mail. She is hampered in this exercise by an inability to read. Otherwise she would never have let some of these letters see the light of day.

“It’s not that I can’t read at all,” she hastens to explain. “It’s just that I can’t read stuff that people write.” We are glad she’s cleared that up. “Fan mail,” she adds, “proves that you’ve got readers.”

From Cindy Indy, Rawalpindi: “Dear Ms. Crepuscular, your novel proves to be an effective decay-preventive dentifrice when used in a program of conscientious oral hygiene and regular professional care.”

Ozzie Spore, New York: “Your book is the only thing that keeps me living.”

Ms. June Spumoni, Bad Axe, Michigan: “My pet emu bit and kicked me after I lined his cage with pages from your wretched novel.”

Tom Popocatepetl, Jurassic Park, Hawaii: “How do you spell your name?”

“I have taken some flak for the elegant way in which I got rid of the monsters that had overrun Scurveyshire,” Ms. Crepuscular confides in her readers. She has run out of fan mail and needs to fill the rest of the chapter somehow. Harking back to her days in grade school, she writes in longhand, 100 times, “I must not waste paper.”

Violet Crepuscular: A Living Legend REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We are  coming up on the climax of Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance–over 700 chapters so far–and it seems the conclusion of the saga cannot be more than a few light-years away.

How will the story be wrapped up? Lord Jeremy Coldsore marries Lady Margo Cargo, and their first child looks suspiciously like a chicken… The Royal Millipede Inspector is rescued from the Picts… Small, creepy dinosaurs infest Coldsore Hall… Man, how will the epic romance end?

Ms. Crepuscular has achieved a literary monsterpiece. She has already been nominated for the Beef-Boy Kollowski Award. (The person who nominated her has since gone into hiding.) She has appeared as a guest in Mr. Pitfall’s back yard. Fame is just around the corner!

Ms Crepuscular admits that regardless of how or where or when she finishes her novel, there are bound to be loose ends left hanging. “This is how you achieve realism!” she pulusticates. “Holy moly, the loose ends left in my own life–you could paper the walls with them. I’m still trying to find out whether I ever graduated high school!”

With honors, we’ll bet.

Alas, Mr. Pudding! OY RODNEY, REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

From March 2, 2025

We expected great things from Mr. Pudding and His Newts. Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense, had promised them to us! Sort of, at least.

But as we enter Chapter DCCCXXXI (or whatever–ask me if I care), we are informed that Mr. Pudding has been trodden underfoot by the stampeding mammoths, and then picked up and eaten by the Cyclops.

Meanwhile, we have a letter from one of our readers… a Mrs. Hobbity Smith from Fort Mange, North Dakota [sound of envelope being torn open].. I’ll read it for you.

“Dear Ms. Crepuscular, Whoever you are–

“Your misbegotten novel, Oy, Rodney, once seemed likely to blossom into great things. It was wonderful! But I’m afraid the last hundred chapters or so would have turned out better if they’d been written by monkeys.

“I challenge you, I dare you, to write one–just one!–reasonable, entertaining, and coherent chapter of this so-called romance. Ye gods, how many chapters has it been since the title character, “Rodney,” was even mentioned?”

That’s as far as I’m going to read. It really is a very harsh letter. I am told Ms. Crepuscular’s mother used to write even nastier letters to all sorts of people who weren’t expecting them.

How do we keep Violet from seeing Mrs. Hobbity Smith’s letter? That could wind up in a duel!

Keeping Up With Violet Crepuscular REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

From July 20, 2025

All right! Who here thinks it’s easy to keep up with Violet Crepuscular and her hysterical romance, Oy, Rodney? Bang your head on the table if it’s you.

She blames it all on me, of course. “You call yourselves an editor? Pfaah!

“Yeah, okay,” she admits: “I’m the one who brought in the June Taylor Dancers and the woolly mammoths. I didn’t know they were going to dry up your brain! Sheesh, I thought you were going to use them! Serves me right for thinking I oughtta has an editor.”

[My reply: “Ah, Violet, Violet! They should’ve named you Venus Flytrap.

3,400+ Venus Flytrap Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free ... ((Picture of Venus Flytrap, with fly.))

“I have raised you from obscurity, and you bite me in the tuchas! Now we have 500-plus chapters of drivel. And it’s not my fault! Again and again you have ignored my editorial suggestions. And this is what happens! Find yourself another editor.”]

She tried to have me arrested, but there is no law in the UK against quitting an impossible editorial job. But I found a note taped to my door.

“Your days they are numbered! Prepare to be Doomed!”

How do you prepare to be doomed?

 

An Additional Word from Violet Crepuscular REPRINT

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4,698 Happy Hamster Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

She’s not yet done with us. Ms. Crepuscular wishes me to add this message to her public:

“I was going to write about Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s expedition to Hamster Island, but readers’ brusque and ungrateful response to my literary marvels totally distracted me and made me lose the thread of my plot!

“Well, readers, you’ve only cheated yourselves! How you would have been delighted and fascinated by a visit to Hamster Island! Where hamsters have gotten entirely out of hand! Where they dominate every other form of life–and exercise on the hamster wheel is a Mandate!”

She has left the door open, just a crack, for a vast outpouring of apologies and sympathy from readers wishing to appease her.

But there’s nobody out there but impossible-to-please malcontents.

‘Take THAT, Ms. Crepuscular!’ REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

From August 17, 2025

Ha-ha-ha! Poetic justice returns to the Internet. The bad guy gets dunked in dirty water. And Violet Crepuscular gets beaned–all’s right with the world!

You may remember Ms. Crepuscular challenging her readers to provide hints of a massive do-over of her immortal romance, Oy, Rodney. Here are a few examples.

Pooba City, OK: “Aw, shut up already!”

K’smagge, Eurasia: “Do we get a prize for reading this?”

Imago Humana, New Jersey: “There’s a guy in Piscataway who writes better than you do–and he’s locked up!”

Bisstong, Rumania: “I learn English for this?”

Despite her protestations that “most” readers are positively crazy about her work, we’ve got her number. You can run, Violet, but you can’t hide!

INTERRUPTION: What? You wonder what happened to Mr Pinball? No, he has not been dunked in dirty water. To say nothing of Willis Twombley, or Lord Whatsisname (the one with the big house).

You’ve got it bad, kimosabe. Try to find a health hot line.

Appointment With Doom! (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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Pin by Ross Johnston on totally judging books by their covers | Book humor, Book parody, Romance novels

From August 29, 2021

Squeaky-toy madness has gripped all Scurveyshire! You can’t hear yourself think, and even the dogs can’t stand it anymore. Worse, questions are being asked in Parliament. “There still is a Scurveyshire? It wasn’t wiped out in the Wars of the Roses?” And the always popular, “What the deuce is wrong with those people?”

Chapter CDXL of Violet Crepuscular’s interminable epic romance, Oy, Rodney, promises to be a turbulent one. And on top of all that, Ms. Crepuscular is thinking of adapting it into a Broadway musical. “I may have to find a way to pull the substitute vicar from Zanzibar out from under the regular vicar’s backyard wading pool,” she gravitates to her readers. “But hey, as long as you’re going to have a stageful of squeaky toys, you might as well take advantage of the music that they make.”

We have a sneak preview, right here, of one of the most popular squeaky toys now being squeaked by everyone in Scurveyshire:

“I have never heard anything so beautiful!” rhapsodizes Ms. Crepuscular. “No wonder the caecilians–” (I thought she’d forgotten those, but no such luck)–“are stirred up all over the tropics: stirred up to go to Scurveyshire!” We are not told why these secretive, little-known amphibians should be irresistibly drawn to the sound of squeaky toys.

“But take a good look around your house!” counsels Mr. Crepuscular. “If you have a dog, you probably have two or three squeaky toys. And where there are squeaky toys, you’ll find caecilians! Well, I mean, you can try to find them. They’re always hiding.”