First Whopper: A Really Dirty Phone Scam

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I told you, O readers, that I had three whoppers lined up for you today. Here’s the first one.

Nuisance phone calls–we get at least half a dozen of them a day. Yesterday my wife fielded what she called “the dirtiest phone call I ever heard.”

It was some guy from something called the Volunteer Fire Fighters Assn., requesting donations “for legislators who will make us safe by supporting volunteer fire fighters.” Can you think of any legislators who would publicly oppose or criticize volunteer fire fighters?

So Patty asked, “What legislators?” And all the guy could say was, “That’s a good question. Maybe you’d better visit our national website.”

But the answer isn’t there, either. We do find out that this is “a non-profit political action committee,” but action on behalf of which politicians, we are not told.

I called them back later and asked the guy to name a few of the legislators who’d be getting the money I donate. I must have asked this same question half a dozen times, to no avail. I kept asking until the guy hung up on me.

Now, what legitimate reason could they possibly have for refusing to tell the donor which legislators would be getting his money? Does this sleazy, heavy-handed scam have “Democrat” oozing from every pore, or what?

Bad enough they’ve got thieves out there who call up old people and try to convince them that they once stayed at Shyster Lakes Resorts and had a really good time, they ought to sign up for another week, “Just $1,000 down, and we’ll get everything ready for you.”

But these parasites, hiding behind the universal fondness and respect felt for volunteer fire fighters (and deserved by them), propose not to steal from defenseless individuals, but from the whole country. They refuse to tell you who they’re working for–and that means they’re working for the bad guys: characters we would never, ever donate to on purpose.

No one who’s honest would refuse to answer a simple question.

Now for Something Really Despicable!

I have just received a phone call–interrupting my search for a morning hymn–with a recorded message that went something like this:

“This is the call-back you requested after you saw the television commercial for our E-Z Acme Back Brace…”

Hmm… We don’t have television in our home, and thus we never see commercials, and we couldn’t have seen a commercial for anyone’s back brace. And truly, not if you put a gun to my head, or a knife to my back, would I ever, ever call the toll-free number to inquire about something I saw in a commercial. And I would see myself shot out of a cannon before I ever requested a call-back.

So, you see, the whole thing was just a big fat lie.

If this isn’t as low as it gets, I don’t know what is. Clearly this marketing technique, this scam, this bit of skulduggery, is aimed at elderly persons who may not be tracking too well and who may even be brought to believe they actually did request a call-back.

This is not to be confused with the robo-call we get every single day informing us that we have just won another free cruise on the S.S. Puke-Yer-Guts-Out.

Once upon a time in New Jersey we had a “Do Not Call” law that protected us from such annoying phone calls. It seems to have fallen into disuse. Maybe some poor idealist in the capitol thought it wouldn’t be needed anymore, that common decency would restrain the scam artists.

Well, it doesn’t restrain the big predators, so why should it restrain the jackals?