Tag: silly romance novels

Mammoths? What Mammoths? (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Editing Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, shouldn’t happen to a dog. Now she says her notes are lost, she has to write some kind of bilge about Ice Age woolly mammoths terrorizing the English countryside during Queen Victoria’s reign. I don’t understand “has to”!

Scurveyshire is right smack-dab in the middle of the mammoths’ projected course from Whitby on the North Sea to Bowling Mickle in Cornwall. Assisted by various incapable people, Lord Jeremy tries to organize an evacuation.

“That word is spelled wrong,” I complain to Ms. Crepuscular on the phone.

“Shut up,” she reasoned.

The American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who believes himself to be Sargon of Akkad, has some advice to offer.

“Move everybody into Coldsore Hall and block up all the doors and windows,” he says. “Then, when the mammoths come, everybody bang on pots and pans until the brutes flee back to where they came from. We used to do that when the Mitanni raided us. Worked like a charm!”

Constable Chumley agrees. “Say-ay mon differy, moddle my gurth!” he ululates.

The mammoths are expected to stumble into Scurveyshire at 9:16 tomorrow morning.

“Be there or be square,” says the author.

https://www.google.com/search?q=the+jungle+1952+movie%2C+mammoth+scene&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS758US758&oq=the+jungle+1952+movie%2C+mammoth+scene&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i64.13249j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:f64db826,vid:vEuMMsZv-lA,st:0

Can you beat that? They didn’t put their mammoths in the trailer.

 

Alas, Poor Violet! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Who would have ever thought that Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, would have bogged down after a mere 530 chapters?

She blames me for it.

“What am I supposed to do with that frothing dragon of yours?” she shouts on the telephone. Really, I’m not up for this. “And I’d have married Lady Margo Cargo and Lord Jeremy Coldsore 300 chapters ago, if I’d had my way!”

“You can’t do that. It would be bigamy.”

To show me who means business, she has embarked on a new plot line that has nothing to do with anything that went before it. “It’s prehistoric mammoths tearing apart suburban villages–and we have to see if hand grenades can stop ’em,” she parobviates.

I venture the observation that there is a movie very similar to that, only set in India instead of the suburbs. This earns me 15 minutes of abuse.

Well, give her a week and see if she comes up with something. Oy, Rodney meets Dracula, something along those lines… but I’m only guessing.

More Suspense: Almost ‘Finis!’ for Violet REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

From October 20,  2024

 

It’s not quite “The dog ate my homework,” but it does explain why we still haven’t seen Chapter DCCXLIV of Violet Crepuscular’s interminable romance, Oy, Rodney. As excuses go, this one is hard to beat.

It seems her next-door neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, had a quicksand bog installed in his front yard–sort of a fad in that neighborhood. And Violet, just as she was cogitating the next chapter of her classic romance, fell in. Just before she went under for good, Mr. Pitfall came out with his pet bison, Mickey, and pulled her out.

“The experience left me drained of creativity,” she confides in her readers, “so that chapter will have to wait until my senses return to normal. It was only the fourth time in my life that I’ve fallen into quicksand, and it kind of takes the wind out of my sails.”

We are promised a chapter next week, come what may. Really, this is playing hob with the narrative.

Can We Help the Queen of Suspense?

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We’ve been waiting two weeks for Chapter DCCXLIV of Violet Crepuscular’s immortal romance novel, Oy, Rodney. Is she all right?

“She went out trick-or-treatin’ last night,” says her neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, “and never come back. She wears the same costume every year–a milkmaid with sort of a stuffed possum on her shoulder.” Last night was Oct. 5. “She likes to get out there before anybody else,” explains Mr. Pitfall. “Once or twice she came out in August. Nobody ever gives her any candy. I give her some chewin’ tobacco once.”

To recapitulate: The June Taylor Dancers, transported into the Victorian Age, are hiding in the woods around Scurveyshire. Lord Jeremy Coldsore is hunting for them with his 20-pound accordion. And Mr. Pudding is preparing his newts for war. There’s also something about Lady Margo Cargo discovering the source of the Nile, but Ms. Crepuscular has been strangely silent about that.

She does have a message for her readers. If you can’t find a copy of The Scurveyshire Times, here’s the substance of it.

“Dear readers, I have not stopped writing! I am only building up the suspense. That is why they call me The Queen of Suspense. That is why they call my most devoted readers ‘Idiots.’ Next week, honest, I’ll have that chapter for you!”

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Pitfall goes to bed at 6 p.m. every night. If Violet had come home at 6:15, he would have missed her.]

‘The Return of Black Rodney’ (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon‘

At last! Chapter DCCXLIV of Violet Crepuscular’s classic (if interminable) romance, Oy, Rodney.

“I’ll tell you what happened,” Ms Crepuscular addresses her uncountable multitude of readers. “I misplaced my notebook and couldn’t remember what was supposed to happen in the story.” She refuses to tell us where the notebook turned up. When our associate editor tried to find out, goons came to his door.

“A lot of people are mad at me for bringing the June Taylor Dancers in and making them villains,” she continues. “Well, wait’ll you read about the music Lord Jeremy plays on his 20-pound accordion! We’re thinking of including an audio disc in the book, when it’s published. Warning! It would be most unwise to play this music to any potentially dangerous animals or humans.

Meanwhile, we are still waiting for Chapter DCCXLIV. She hasn’t told us anything about it! Has she actually written it? We sent some of our goons to her door to find out. (Yes, there are more goons in the publishing industry than you would ever imagine. We can’t do without them.) After some very rough treatment, Ms. Crepuscular admits she hasn’t written anything in several weeks.

“I can’t help it!” she exfoliates. “Haven’t you ever heard of writer’s block? That awful, unbearable sense of just not knowing what to write! I wake up screaming, I tell you!”

The medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney–well, he seems to be missing, too.

We Apologize for Ms. Crepuscular (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

To all of you who faithfully followed our advice and “stayed tuned” to see what Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, would do by way of advancing her plot–

And then never saw a blessed thing along those lines, nothing freakin’ happened–

We can only offer the most abject apology. We have a good mind to drop her from the program. “Suspense” should mean more than just not getting on with the story! If Perry Mason ever did half the stupid stuff The Queen of Suspense does, he’d be off the air before you could say Huatzachachimutzin.

It’s no good asking us poor editors what happened. We haven’t seen the updated manuscript. Last we heard, Lord Jeremy had a 20-pound accordion, the June Taylor Dancers were loose in the woods (without being–ahem!–“loose women”), and Mr. Pudding was girding his newts for battle.

It’s all in Ms. Crepuscular’s notebook–which is written in Cretan Linear A hieroglyphs and no one can read it. I’ll bet even she can’t read it.

The long and the short of it is, we’re still waiting for Chapter DCCXLIV of that national treasure of a romance novel, Oy, Rodney, we’re every bit as frustrated as you are, and for two cents I’d give up this job and take up alligator wrestling.

Cretan script linear hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

See what I mean? What are we supposed to do with that?

Warning! June Taylor Dancers Alert! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

“I have posted this video to show you what Scurveyshire is up against,” intones Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, introducing Chapter DCCXLIII of her interminable epic romance, Oy, Rodney. 

“As you would know, if you’d been paying the least little bit of attention, the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney, has it in for Scurveyshire,” Ms. Crepuscular reminds her loyal readers. How many of those there are, is anybody’s guess. “He has transported the June Taylor Dancers from the 1950s to the 1850s. This video will show you why!”

“Have you ever seen anything more fiendish?” she crepusculates. “Mr. Pudding and his newts will be hard-put to save the shire from this!” It turns out that certain species of newts are immune to accordion music. The guy at the pet store told me so.

With her usual commendable foresight, Ms. Crepuscular has already equipped Lord Jeremy Coldsore with a 20-pound accordion. To those who object that he hasn’t the foggiest idea how to play it, Ms. Crepuscular replies, “Shut up!”

Tune in next week to see what happens.

It’s War! (Oy, Rodney)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Johnno the Merry Minstrel has discovered a lost prophecy written in the 16th Century by Sir Osric Wungo, foretelling doom at the hands (or feet) of the June Taylor Dancers. But Lord Jeremy Coldsore is unconvinced.

“Wasn’t he the chap who spent all his family’s money trying to find a lost city built by woodchucks?” he said.

“Let me break in before the suspense becomes unbearable,” writes the author, Violet Crespuscular, the Queen of Suspense, introducing Chapter DCCXLII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Honk if you find the suspense unbearable.

“Never mind the woodchucks!” Johnno retorts, performing a secret finger signal to find out whether Lord Jeremy has joined the June Taylor Dancers. It turns out he hasn’t. Johnno is very much relieved. “Mr Pudding’s newts,” he adds, “will soon stamp Scurveyshire’s doom with ‘Return to Sender’!” (We pause for Ms. Crepuscular to reflect on the merits of the U.S. Postal Service.)

“What happens, though.” wonders Lord Jeremy, “if, after they’ve polished off the June Taylor Dancers, the newts turn on us?”

Not knowing the answer to that question, Johnno runs screaming into the forest. There’s no hope of catching him–“Not with that 20-pound accordion I’m carrying around today–I wonder why!” Jeremy soliloquizes.

 

Unleash the Newts! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Introducing Chapter DCCXLI of her immortical romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense (some call her the Queen of Commas), tips off Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, to the threat posed by the June Taylor Dancers, ensconced in Scurvey Forest. (Wow, what a sentence!)

“I tried shootin’ ’em,” Twombley confides in our hero, Lord Jeremy Coldsore, “but they dance around so much, you can’t really take aim.”

“It doesn’t matter, old boy,” Lord Jeremy fewsters. “Once Mr. Pudding turns loose his killer newts, our dancer problem will be over.”

Newt - Wikipedia

(Here are two of them, actual size. Much more dangerous than they look!)

“Durned if I ever saw this Mr. Pudding,” Twombley says. “Where’s he live?”

“In a houseful of newts, undisclosed address,” Jeremy explains. “Supposedly he’s under the protection of an extremely high-ranking member of the government. Probably dangerous to find out who that is!”

[Ms. Crepuscular is still fighting Joe Collidge over rights to space on this blog. On Thursday she resorted to giving Joe an Indian burn. He is not old enough to recognize it as such.]

Mr. Pudding vs. The Deadly Dancers (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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The new plot thread is installed, and it’s a corker! June Taylor Dancers vs. Mr. Pudding’s newts! Grab a ringside seat while you can!

JACKIE GLEASON SHOW: AMERICAN SCENE MAGAZINE, June Taylor ...

Lest anyone should sell short the June Taylor Dancers as a threat, here they are in 1960 marching Jackie Gleason off to a secret facility under Yankee Stadium. There they refashioned his mind. Ouch!

Meanwhile, writes author Violet Crepuscular, The Queen Of Suspense, “Those newts are all trained killers! Under his meek exterior, Mr. Pudding is as mean as Yul Brynner in The Light at the Edge of the World!” We are not convinced that many people saw that movie. But if you watch it very closely, you might catch the fleeting cameo appearance by several of the June Taylor Dancers. They were going to make it a musical, but Kirk Douglas refused to play kazoo and that was that.

Where are we, anyway? Last I heard, it was Chapter DCCXXXII… but this latest one is labeled DCCXXXVIII. Did we just skip six chapters somehow? And whatever happened to Lord Jeremy Coldsore and Constable Chumley?

“They are under cover–so don’t blab about it!” Ms. Crepuscular shushes her readers.

Here’s the original Janet Kendall cover, in case you were missing it and felt rather sad.

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon