Introducing Chapter DCCIX of her interminable romance, Oy, Rodney, Ms. Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense,. confides in her myriads of readers:
“I’m torn,” she writes, “between going back all the way into the Royal Millipede Inspector’s early childhood and jumping ahead to World War I to see how many of my characters are still alive by then. After wrestling with the dilemma all week long (It quite took the magic out of my dinner date with Mr. Pitfall–which I paid for, by the way!), I have decided to follow the advice made famous by Constable Chumley:
“‘Ayr yer vavven cligh yon boodie, gaet snaffle!'”
Proceeding in accord with that age-old wisdom, she brings in yet another character: Johnno the Merry Minstrel’s podiatrist, Dr. Fratsky. His hobby is hoodwinking the Picts. He is seven and a half feet tall, but no one notices. “Later on in life,” Ms. Crepuscular coagulates, “he will come to resemble Tim McCarver. I once had a crush on him, until I heard he was wearing a toupee.”
Management disclaims any and all responsibility for anything said or written by Ms. Crepuscular.