Ms Crepuscular Declares War (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Introducing Chapter CDXXVII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular deviates from her narrative to declare war on Barney Rubble, host of the incredibly popular TV talk show, Great Book by Idiots.

“If it’s the last thing I do,” she crepusculates, “I’ll fix that Barney Rubble! Imagine putting me on a show called Great Books by Idiots, to talk about some silly book called The Great Ghatsby or some such thing! I thought we were there to talk about my training regime for my pet click beetle, Mandrake. Instead, some comic book I never heard of!

“Well, he won’t get away with it! My neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, is going to visit him some night with a horsewhip. But more impotently, he has already lined up for me another television appearance, this time with Mervyn Puncho–a fantastic celebrity who needs no introduction! And then we’ll see who’s the idiot!”

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Mervyn Puncho, a celebrity who needs no introduction

Meanwhile, Chapter CDXXVII has gotten rather short shrift. Seeking a way to nullify Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s unexplained paranormal infatuation with The Woman in Moldy Knickers, who died 600 years ago, Jeremy’s friends continue to discuss a possible solution to the problem. It must be remembered that this ghost, moldy knickers and all, was once laid to rest by a man who looks like Lee J. Cobb.

“What we want,” says Johnno the Merry Minstrel, “is another man who looks like Lee J. Cobb.”

“Who the dickens is Lee J. Cobb?” wonders Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad. He has a stake in Lady Margo Cargo’s now-threatened marriage to Lord Jeremy: she is convinced that Willis and Jeremy are the same person.

“Yeen the riffit corblinkin’ shirtlift!” exclaims Constable Chumley. The other two cannot but agree.

That Woman in Moldy Knickers (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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We join Chapter CDXXVI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, in progress. That means she hasn’t finish writing it. And she has left Chapter CDXXV blank to denote that nothing in particular happened. I hope she’s all right.

As the new chapter opens, we have Constable Chumley, Johnno the Merry Minstrel, and the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, holding a secret meeting to decide what to do about Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s sudden infatuation with the ghostly Woman in Moldy Knickers. They have been arguing for two solid hours over what to use as a password to open the secret meeting. Nobody wants to fall back on “Our Secret Password”–much too easy for any villain to figure out and use against them.

Finally Johnno comes up with “Mghawlwhg.” “It’s perfect!” he crepusculates. “No one will know how to pronounce it.” But this hope is dashed when the constable pronounces it easily. It turns out he says that all the time.

“Boys, we ain’t getting nowhere without a password,” Twombley says. “If we don’t come up with somethin’, Ol’ Germy’s marriage to Lady Margo will jist go belly-up! And I’ve got a stake in that, bein’ as she still thinks Germy and me are the same buckaroo.”

Eventually they discover that Chumley can’t say “catsup bottle,” so that’s the word they’ll use. The constable accepts it philosophically: “Aye, thurrup’s a frizzin baggy,” he declares. One cannot but agree.

That brings them to wondering if it will do any good to point out to Lord Jeremy that the Woman in Moldy Knickers has been dead for going on 600 years.

“To heighten suspense,” Ms. Crepuscular confides in her readers, “we will take that up in the next exiting chapter!” When she gets around to writing it, of course.