Good morning, persons of assorted gender, and welcome to Caitlin Middle School. I am your principal. You may call me Glimmering Star. Always bear in mine that this school is gender-free for all genders!
In the spirit of Caitlin Jenner, who is now a woman, this is the school that believes that you and your feelings are more important than any so-called facts. I realize this makes it difficult for us to give out grades, but we’ve addressed that problem by giving everyone straight A’s.
In fact, this is the school where you decide yourself what are facts and what aren’t!
Here are some of my facts, which I’ll share with you, just to show you how it’s done.
The Lone Ranger was originally Japanese, and “Hi-yo, Silver!” was originally “Ohayo Gozeamasu,” which means Happy New Year.
America was originally settled by Muslims, but there has been a big conspiracy to conceal that fact.
Global Warming on Mars is caused by SUVs on Earth.
President Obama is a Star Child from another galaxy–for all intents and purposes, a god.
The Bible was written by Jewish White Supremacist bankers sometime during the 1950s, to keep America from understanding the benefits of socialism.
Obesity is caused by prayer.
Those are just a few of my facts. Your facts may well be different. Just be careful they’re not too different, or you may be in for some rigorous sensitivity-training! On the whole, though, all facts are true facts as long as they’re Progressive facts.
And if that’s the only thing you learn here, it’ll still be enough to equip you to vote and hold public office.