The Most Equal and Inclusive High School in America


Throughout the land, in recent days, public high schools–and colleges, of course– have been competing with one another to see which one can produce the most stilted and asinine graduation ceremony.

A school in Texas vaulted into the lead last week by not allowing students to wear their National Honor Society ribbons, ’cause it’d make kids feel bad who weren’t in the National Honor Society (I was in it when I graduated, and I can’t say anybody noticed, much less felt slighted).

Well, that has inspired another high school to go it way better.

Elwood P. Dowd High School in Schmendrick City, Michigan, will not allow graduating seniors to use their personal names. The names will not appear on the diplomas. As Principal Sy Fistula explained, “What could be less inclusive than your personal name? It excludes everyone but you! But we won’t allow that anymore.”

Dowd is going to extraordinary lengths to achieve absolute equality among the student body. During graduation, each student will wear a large gunny sack to completely conceal his or her identity. Each will be led up by ushers to receive his or her diploma. And to avoid any hint of inequality, all of the diplomas will be exactly the same and will be handed out at random by a blindfolded teacher who will fish them out of a barrel.

And instead of a traditional anthem of any kind, said Fistula, “Our kids will sing that old favorite from China’s Maoist era, ‘The People Joyfully Carry Manure to the Fields.'”

If the graduation is as great a success as anticipated, said Superintendent of Schools Dr. Mildred Blastoff, “We’ll do away with personal names all throughout the year for each and every grade in all our schools.”

11 comments on “The Most Equal and Inclusive High School in America

  1. Not too far from the truth. These notions of equality are Communistic and are a form of collectivism.

  2. Is this for real? That principal needs a horse-whipping! And from the parents! How can you use a diploma without your name on it? And that circus of gunny sacks and blind-folded teachers and diplomas out of barrels. I would have kept my kid home if I knew that all would be happening.

    1. Marge, it’s a satire. Not real. But it’s never been harder to write satire than it is today. Whenever you think you’ve gone far enough, some idiot comes along and does the very thing you wrote up as preposterous.

    2. So, now at least they won’t have to worry about being gender sensitive. Wearing gunny sacks and issuing no-name diplomas alleviates that problem. One thing, though, Lee. If any of them follow Joe Collidge and read this column, you may have just given them an idea.

  3. When it said Schmendrick Michigan I knew it was satire but just wait a few days and you’ll hear about something real that will be even more absurd than this satirical piece. If the comrades identify as honor students they are honor students. The mail room attendant identifies as a brain surgeon and a brain surgeon they shall be as part of The Great Leap Forward.
    I identify as a millionaire but unfortunately my bank account says otherwise.
    Maybe esteemed party member Comrade Bernie Sanders will take the million dollars from those evil rich capitalist pigs and give it to me.
    To each according to his need, workers of the world unite!

    1. Never having seen a poor liberal, let alone a poor socialist, Bernie could give you some of his own money right now… if he wanted to.

  4. Thank God that it’s not real but it should sounded like something that could be real.

  5. Yes, I agree, Marge. I would not be the least surprised if something like this happens in the near future. How assinine! (sp)
    I graduated valedictorian, and I can remember not one classmate who ever expressed the least consternation over that fact. They seemed more interested in having me help with their homework than ever getting upset, from first grade to graduation. To most of them, it was not interesting at all. They just wanted school to be over so they could go fishing, swimming or whatever they did. If you let nature take its course, all will be well. Maybe you have a prophetic gift, Lee.

  6. I wasn’t sure about the posting of external links so I will refrain but the news aggregator page had a story out of Alaska where a 17 year old boy fancies himself a girl so he runs for the girls track team.
    He didn’t place any better than fifth but the girls are saying this is so unfair.
    The irony is so thick you could slice it.
    The bestest edjumacashun system taxpayer money can buy is preparing precious little snowflakes for a world that doesn’t exist.

    1. Please feel free to post external links whenever you think they would be of interest. I’ve put no restrictions on that, and none of my readers has abused the privilege.

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