I’m going to write a satire for Newswithviews this week, and I want to warn my regular readers that that’s what it is–a satire. I’ve already run it up the flagpole for my wife and my editor, and they both found it appallingly believable. Well, we don’t want to alarm anybody, do we?
So I’m going to say the Democrats’ insane spending bill includes $20 billion to set up half a dozen theme parks throughout America. The parks will be called “Commieland.”
When I was a boy in 1960, a theme park called “Freedomland USA” was constructed in the Bronx, NY. Tons of TV commercials! I wonder if any of you remember it. By 1964 it was bankrupt and had to be closed.
*Sigh* It’s increasingly difficult to do satire, these days. You make up something ridiculous and almost immediately something even more ridiculous crops up in real life. Especially now.
The fact that so many people find really wild satires completely believable is not a good sign.
Buried in the $3.5 trillion spending package that Democrats have been trying to move through Congress, we find $175 billion allocated for creating, within the Dept. of Justice, a new Division of Happy Funny-Ness charged with keeping America amused by jokes and riddles.
The division will be headed and staffed by members of a little-known branch of the Biden family, the Xi Jin Pings. Assistant Deputy Vice-Director Boo-Boo Biden has already composed several riddles for public distribution. Here are two examples.
Q: Why wasn’t the cowboy hungry?
A: Because he just ate.
And if you think that was a rolling-on-the-floor knee-slapper, get a load of this one–
Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and something else? (This one doesn’t have an Answer yet. We presume Boo-Boo is still researching it.)
According to CNN News, all opposition to any aspect of the spending bill is racist and should be investigated by the FBI as soon as that agency can take time off from investigating parents who complain about their public schools’ curriculum.
The corrupt dictators’ club that is the United Nations, a couple of years ago, highlighted The Supreme Struggle Against Climbit Chainge by suggested that part of it would have to take the form of Unprecedented Societal Change. They never explained exactly what they had in mind, so it was left up to satirists to speculate.
There are ideas as bad as world government–that whole transgender thing, for one–but there are certainly no ideas that are worse. The would-be masters of the world want global government so bad, they can taste it. Climbite Chainge couldn’t quite do it for them, but now they’ve got King COVID working for them.
A doctor in California (where else?) has announced a breakthrough in plastic surgery which he claims will be “the next big thing in liberation from reality!”
Dr. Hobart Plotz claims to have successfully removed a patient’s nose and replaced it with a miniature elephant’s trunk.
“Just because you’ve been assigned a human nose,” he said, “doesn’t mean you have to keep it!
“Look–we are assigned a gender, but now we can change someone’s gender at will, it’s no big deal. Transitioning into another species is just like transitioning into another gender. In this case, an elephant.”
Critics have mean-spiritedly pointed to the string that seems to go around the patient’s head, holding a plastic trunk to the face. “Don’t listen to them!” says Dr. Plotz. “They’re just a bunch of racists! The string is purely temporary. We don’t want the trunk falling off before the surgery heals.”
Once the trunk is firmly attached, says Dr. Plotz, “Next we do the ears–and so on and so on, until the patient has completely transitioned from human to elephant.”
But why do this at all?
“Because we can!” exclaims the doctor. “Simply because we can. And of course,” he adds, “to demonstrate there’s no such thing as reality.”
Now that we have a–well, they’re calling him a “president”, who poses as a connoisseur of ice cream cones, and thereby fascinates our Free & Independent Democrat Nooze Media, it’s high time we revisited the Diversity Ice Cream Shop.
Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-Twilight Zone) says she’s discovered a whole new way to meet America’s energy needs without harming The Planet “even one little bit!”
“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before!” she babbled. “Magic! All the energy we need, we can get by magic! Just like in a Harry Potter book! Somebody read me one of those and it made a lot of sense. Like, if you can fly around on brooms because you know the magic spells, with the right spell, you can do anything.”
It’s no secret in Washington that AOC is aiming for higher things–Speaker of the House, the Senate, governor, even the White House. Halfbakednews.com has learned that she has hired “a wise woman” to help her climb the ladder.
“No, no, not a real ladder, silly!” she gushed to an interviewer. “I mean the ladder of power. There is a spell for every rung!
“But we are talking about a new Mandate that will make magic the basis for all energy production in America! Presto–no more pollution! Cars won’t even need engines anymore!”
An extra surtax will be charged for each spell used by persons who are not members of the government, she added.
How would you like to be president of the Untied States–with absolute power to do any flamin’ thing you want?
Well, now the exalted rank of POTUS can be yours… if you’re the lucky reader who enters Comment No. 80,000 on this blog!
Yes, we have it on unimpeachable authority (heh-heh!) that the Constitution is soon to be retired, with the country governed from now on by whatever Mandate pops into a president’s or governor’s head. Imagine the fabulousness of handing down your first Mandate! And everybody has to obey it–or else! “From now on all doorknobs must have smiley faces on them!” “All persons whose names begin with R, report to The Camp!” “Odd-numbered days are now Barack Obama Day!” I mean, you could go just complete crazy…
Best of all, you won’t even have to be elected! Just win the comment contest. And the next thing you know, you’ll be moving into a Presidential Palace (just like the one in the picture!) and getting set to Change The World!
Of course, the solution would be never to write anything about centaurs anymore. Or anything else, for that matter. There’s always someone who’s going to be offended. They get mad at you if you don’t offend them! Not offending them offends them. You can’t win. All these microscopic little subcultures trying to tell us what we can say and can’t say…
(You don’t think I want to illustrate this story, do you? Here’s a nice little lizard instead.)
Squeaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says it’s time America had a Gay National Anthem.
“According to the official Democratic Party and Hollywood census, gay/lesbian/trans Americans now account for 45% of the population,” Pelosi said. “That’s more than enough to deserve your own national anthem!
“Look! We fly our Gay Pride and Transgender Pride flags in front of our U.S. embassies–especially in Third World countries where they find it tremendously offensive. But what’re they gonna do about it, huh? Suck it up, you pipsqueaks, or you’ll get no foreign aid!”
With a twinkle in her eye, the Squeaker declined to reveal the title of the Gay National Anthem, or the artist that would perform it. Asked if it would be Joe Biden himself, Pelosi said, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you… er… fewer lies!”
[Note: The foregoing is a satire written for comedic effect. We all know the Democrat Party would never, never stoop to anything as low as this.]
“Extraterrestrial cannibals have rights, too!” declares Moe Badger, the executive director of the American Crazy Loons Union. “We have to be more culturally sensitive!”
When UFOs from a galaxy far, far away landed in Barsoom County, Ohio, in 2022 and deposited extraterrestrial settlers there, “it was tacitly understood that they would obey America’s laws,” Prosecutor Finrod Skelter said. “But that’s not what’s been happening.”
News broke last week that the ETs have been abducting human beings and eating them. Cannibalism is against the law in Ohio; but for the ETs, it’s just an indispensable part of their culture. And it isn’t even really cannibalism, says the ACLU, “because these ETs ain’t human. Heck, it’s just like being eaten by a lion or a bear.”
The Ohio legislature moved quickly to propose legislation banning the practice, but Democrat legislators have opposed it and threatened to flee the state if the proposed law is not immediately scrapped.
“We have to be welcoming and affirming to all cultures, even if they come from other planets,” said State Senator Elvira Pincushion. “Who are we to order them to abandon their age-old customs? It’s part of their religion, and therefore a question of religious liberty.” She then went off to help draft a new mandate to shut down all Christian churches in Ohio until the environment is totally germ-free.
A spokes-something for the ETs (we can’t pronounce what they call themselves) said through an interpreter that any interference with their religious rituals would be racist.
“We will sue the pants off anyone who tries to persecute these innocent visitors from another world,” vowed Badger. “Go ahead–make my day!”