If they can’t call it monkey pox, how about “Biden Pox”?
They may not be able to cure it, they may not be able to stop its spread; but boy howdy, they’re scrambling all over to find a new name for monkey pox (https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-11462647/Biden-asks-rename-monkeypox-MPOX-original-racist.html).
The current name for the virus, frantic liberals say, is “steeped in racism” and “discriminatory and stigmatizing” to… to “ethnic people.” (Honk if you know any people who are not ethnic.) They want to “avoid causing offense” to anyone, anywhere.
This is a golden opportunity to bring the world together in a “Name the Virus” contest!
Anyone can enter–and you can do it here, while we’re waiting for the World Health Organization to set up a website and decide on what kind of prize to offer. (How about a bicycle?) All you have to do is invent a catchy name that won’t offend anyone on the planet.
No f-bombs, please. I’ll have to delete those.
Mrs. Athalia Bates, best known as Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho, is running for re-election to the Senate. The long-time Democrat has been a fixture in the Senate since 1960, when a local funeral home mysteriously “lost” her.
“The fact that she is dead is something that only a bigoted Republican steeped in liveism would ever hold against her,” said Mark Kardz, Democrat Party strategist. “She never committed those murders! Her son did–and he’s better now.
“Everybody knows that dead people are a major component of our party’s voting base–and who better than Mrs. Bates to represent them? And you didn’t hear it from me, but Athaliah Bates taught V.P. Kamala Harris everything she knows! And not only that: President Biden plays pinochle with her every other night. And she always wins!”
The secret of Mrs. Bates’ success, he said, “Is that she fits right in! She’s sort of our party personified. Everything you would ever expect from a Democrat, you get from Mrs. Bates.”
It has not yet been decided which state Mrs. Bates will represent. It’s usually California, “But New York is making a serious pitch for her this year,” said Kardz.
Smartest woman in the world. Just ask Dracula.
Hillary Clinton has demanded a Congressional investigation of the 2024 presidential election.
“The Republicans have stolen it!” she asserted. “They stole it from me in 2016, when it was My turn! And they stole it again in 2024!
“Well, I’m gonna have my turn! The only remedy is to overturn the 2024 election now, I mean right now, declare this year to be 2024, and install me in the White House as president. Nobody cares what year it really is, anyway! And isn’t there, like, some prophecy of me being declared president because it’s My turn? I’m sure there is!”
(The only one I can think of is This is the POTUS/ who fatally smote us. But I thought that was Biden.)
Asked, “What about the rest of President Biden’s term?”, Mrs. Clinton replied, “He can come back in after I’ve had My turn. We’ll just change the years around some more.”
A neighborhood on Mercury
Before there were modern computers, there were slide rules; and the guys with the slide rules put men on the moon and brought them home.
Today is not slide rules that power the space program. It’s headlines.
Science to announce discovery of life on Mercury!
It’s only a satire, of course. Government Science would never make a claim that wasn’t true. That would be lying, and scientists and politicians never lie.
The secretary of the U.S. Navy’s Office of Racial Justice, Capt. Horace Poohbah, has announced plans to decommission and scrap “Old Ironsides,” the U.S.S. Constitution, the oldest commissioned ship in the Navy.
“Like the Constitution itself,” said Poohbah, “this here ship is just a relic of a time when slavery was practiced in America and we don’t want to remember those times, do we? This ship is good for nothing, it can’t fight modern naval vessals, it don’t even have a engine–all it does is glamorize America’s disgusting history. It’s high time it went to the scrap heap!”
Poohbah said he was not “fully in on” plans to repeal and scrap the Constitution itself, replacing it with a “more modern” design for government, courtesy of China. “Next time I play slapjack with Old Joe, I’ll ask him about it. Heck, we been tryin’ to ditch that Constitution for years! But first the ship–we can do that–and then the document.”
The Constitution’s berth in Boston harbor will be taken by the U.S.S. Drag Queen, a destroyer. “It’ll destroy a lot of things,” predicted Poohbah.
Wait a minute! We’ve got two law professors and The New York Times saying we’ve got to get rid of the U.S. Constitution–but they never tell us how. All they offer is a scheme to pack the country with a lot of new states so they can abolish the Electoral College–which is something they’ve always wanted to do anyway: let New York and California dictate to the rest of the country.
So how do you get rid of the Constitution? Here are some of the proposals currently floating around in the ether.
*Pretend it’s lost. Shoot, where did it go? Oh, well–we’ll just have to draw up something else. Hillary Clinton can be in charge of it.
*Claim that the Constitution that we have is not the real one, it’s just the world’s longest-running hoax–and then produce a “real Constitution” that’s totally different from the original. Get the teachers’ unions on board for this! Give ’em more money and less work, and they’ll eat out of your hand.
*Discover that our War for Independence was an unlawful act and put America back under the British Parliament. All actions taken by an illegally independent USA would now be null and void.
*Add another half-dozen liberal justices to the Supreme Court and get them to rule that the Constitution is unconstitutional and we’ll just have to get by on executive orders and mandates until further notice.
*Announce the discovery of another serious disease requiring immediate and perpetual suspension of all liberty until such time as there are no more germs.
See? There’s all sorts of things that they can do! We shouldn’t have needed a couple of law professors to tell us this.
[I shouldn’t have to say so… but this is a satire.]
The other day British police arrested a man for “causing anxiety” to some silly phart on Facebook. Inspired by this nooze item, the town of Botox Corners, IL, home of Fimbo Unoversity, has created an Emergency Anxiety Squad within the local police department (see falsefacts.com).
The Anxiety Squad will provide rapid response to calls made by college students because someone made them experience “anxiety.” The term has been left undefined on purpose, according to Mayor Debi Bushwhack.
“We want to sweep with as broad a net as possible,” she explained. “Because no one, nobody, should ever, ever, ever experience anxiety! Never! In fact, just asking me to define it causes me anxiety! You’re lucky I don’t have you arrested!”
Offenders arrested on the college campus will be tried in municipal court, and, when found guilty (“They’re always guilty!” quipped Township Manager Jim Turgor), first offenders will report to Extreme Sensitivity Training and repeat offenders… to the Pit and the Pendulum. “Then they’ll be sorry,” chortled Mr. Turgor, “but it’ll be too damn late!”
Violet Crepuscular, author of the epic romance Oy, Rodney and self-anointed “Queen of Suspense,” now has a real title to hang on her wall.The Brmytsov suspender factory in Vorozhnyrmytz, Kazakhstan, has honored her as “Queen of Suspenders.” [Note: the model in the pictures is not Ms. Crepuscular.]
Ms. Crepuscular has declined to comment, although neighbors say they have heard her “yelling and breaking things.” “Queen of suspense, not suspenders!” she has reportedly exclaimed. “I don’t even wear suspenders!” [Lewd expletives deleted.]
A dinner will be held in Ms. Crepuscular’s honor at the Restaurant of Tasty Joy, on the skirts of Myzhnytskquoe Mountain.
Oh, come on now! It’s just a little smudging ceremony, “smoke and prayers” to Mother Earth. Besides, Pachamama said he could do it.
And there is no truth at all to reports that Pope Francis I “accidentally” apologized for the missionary work that converted many native Americans to Christianity.
“Look, he was into the smudging ceremony and he got a little carried away, okay?” said a person who was not there and really shouldn’t be used as a source. “It’s–well, kind of intoxicating to go around apologizin’ for things done by other people a long time ago. Once you start, it’s hard to stop!”
According to our unreliable sources, the Pope burst into tears when he described the “depredations of the missionaries” and denounced them for “intersectional socio-penultimacy” against “nice harmless folk religions.” “You don’t have to go to church anymore!” he may have added.
[Editor’s Note: This is, of course, a satire. It contains only two facts. 1) The Pope did allow an image of “indigenous goddess” Pachamama to be brought into the Vatican and set up on an altar. 2) He has taken part in a “smudging ceremony” with Native Americans in Canada. And perhaps we should add 3) He does “apologize” for things that other people did. But all leftids enjoy doing that.]
Seventy-eight years ago today, Allied soldiers stormed the beaches of Normandy in D-Day–beginning the liberation of Western Europe from the Third Reich. At high cost.
Today Diversity Czar Gottno Braynze has called for moving D-Day to July or August. “Because really,” he said, “June is Pride Month and that takes precedence over everything! Come on now–surely those men fought that war to make the world safe for Drag Queen Story Hour!”
The Regime may need to move D-Day back a little farther than that, Braynze said, “because American democracy, well, requires that Gays and Transgenders each get their own month. And it requires widespread celebration, no opting-out allowed!”
To ensure true diversity, he added, “anyone who mentions D-Day today will be packed off to prison.”