‘Solving the Riddles of Ancient History: A Whole New Approach’ (2017)

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I haven’t been the same since I read the remarks of a certain college professor, who said students could acquire deep insights into history without having to learn any facts of history.

And here I thought Professor I.B. Loony was just a satirical buffoon.

Solving the Riddles of Ancient History: A Whole New Approach

I do remember, back in the 1990s (or was it the 80s?), an academic fad for “intuiting” things–that is, not bothering to research a subject, but just making it all up as one went along. I knew professors who actually spoke of “intuiting” as a substitute for factual knowledge.

Our culture rot has deep roots.

Emergency Addition to TV Listings! Don’t Miss It!

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Crikey, get this one added to the TV listings, pronto! I don’t know who’s fault it was that this got left off yesterday…

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with an emergency addition to yesterday’s TV listings. We’ve had to juggle the schedule a bit, but it’ll be worth it!

SUNDAY, June 6

9:15 P.M.  Ch. 16   MOVIE–Romance and Drama

“The Bear-foot Contessa” (1959)–she’s young, she’s beautiful, she’s rich… But thanks to an ill-advised scientific experiment, she has the feet of a 750-pound grizzly bear! This makes it extremely hard for her to buy shoes, and formal ballroom dancing is all but impossible. Movie historians rate this as Sally McBloo’s greatest role. Mr. Banyantree: Ben Kingsley.  Harvey Cedars: Humphrey Bogart. Mr. & Mrs. Stringbean: Maude Adams.

Reed My Boock Insted of His!

Now yiu Cant sea My Moth antenners!

I am so sick of that stopid lee and his stopid books! so i amb going to rite a boock my self! I amb going to rite a novvle and yiu shuld reed my boock insted of his!

My novvle it startts “out with” a Gay Marridge and then Mike and Geffry thay Transitoin and Change thare Gender “so” thay now wimmins insted of mans and then “thay” go on a Honey Moon and on thare Honey Moon “thay” Diskover a grate Lost City in the Junggle i think its In Cambodyer but may be i “wil” change that “to” som Place “in” Africka.

and in This Lost City thare lives Noboddy “but” all Socail Justis Wariers only and thay Is “al” Gay and thay “has” a hole lott of diffrint Genders and aslo Evry Boddy thay al “in” Collidge bein Interllecturals and thay Dont no boddy has to Work becose thare “is” Freee Tution thare!!! And The Rich thay has got to “pay” for Evry thing and aslo thay is “not” aloud to make No Proffit ever!!!

And “thay has” Got no God neether becose thay al Too Smart to beleave in God and that “is” Wye this hear Place it is a Parridice! But then some christins thay “come” alongg and thay “trie” to reck it but thay Cant becose them christins thay is jist stopid Biggits and “thay” Dont kno how To doo nothing and al them Trans Gender peple thay jist alyaws Out Smarts the stopid christins and Finely thay puts them Al into Sensativvity Traning and that makes Thare Minds rihgjt so Thay dont “beleave” in God no more neether and so “that” it bringes us to A Hapy ending!!!

And my prefesser He sayes My Boock it is “sure” to be whatya cal a Classtic and oncet its Poblished thay “wil” make it Reckwired Reeding hear at Collidge and than No one thay wil “reed” That stopid lees boocks no more! Ha Ha!

Physics Goes P.C.!

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The student body at CDU–true diversity!

Academics have long strained their brains, trying to figure out how to totally politicize the study of physics. Somehow applying “a feminist post-colonial analysis” to the study of glaciers didn’t quite catch on.

But now, at long last, sages at Cardiff Giant University have come up with “a Diversity-centered curriculum for Physics.”

Among the pearls of wisdom brought forth to tempt us to further study are these:

*”You can be an electron one day and a proton the next, depending on how you feel.”

*”Traditional physics is a neo-colonial White Privilege thingy for biggits.”

*”There are no laws of nature, only mental constructs.”

“Black physics matters!”

This curriculum, says the department head, Professor I.M. Schmendrick, “will once and for all establish that there is nothing, nothing, nothing that can’t be made abysmally stupid! We are truly excited about this. I can hardly wait to make our students swear loyalty oaths to the Democrat Party and to progressive thought in general.”

Students who decline to take the oath, according to the university, will be “encouraged” to remain in Diversity Training until they do.

“They always come around to our way of thinking,” said Schmendrick. “Like, dude, it’s our way or the highway! We’ll have diversity here or else.”

Dems Plan to List GOP as ‘Terrorist’

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Soupy Sales–candidate?

Our secret confidential sources have revealed that Attorney General Loretta Lunch–er, Lynch–has been meeting secretly with leading Senate Democrats to discuss the feasibility of having the Republican Party listed as a terrorist organization.

“If they can swing it,” said one of our sources, “they’ll have Donald Trump arrested and jailed before Election Day.”

Another source said that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is in the process of discovering a Constitutional right to have only a Democrat for president. “This would effectively outlaw the Republican Party,” he added.

But that being the case, who then would run against Hillary Clinton?

“Attorney General Lunch–er, Lynch–thinks that in that event, American’s mainstream news media would have the right to select the opposition candidate,” said our smartest source of all, you’d be amazed if we told you who it was. “Right now, the leading candidate to run opposed to Hillary is the late Soupy Sales. Internal polling shows Hillary ahead of Soupy, 51% to 49%.”

Democrat Senators were seen to come out of the meeting with paper bags over their heads, added our source. “But I was there when they took ’em off,” he said.




Hillary’s Running Mate

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Is this the Democrats’ dream ticket?

Our confidential secret sources have identified the top three choices to share the Democrat ticket this year as Hillary Clinton’s running mate. One of them may become America’s vice president.

*Comedian Roseanne Barr. “Hillary likes her because she’s totally daft and so far out of the political mainstream, or any other stream for that matter, that she makes Hillary look sane by comparison,” said one of our impeccably reliable sources.

*Pope Francis I. “This could get a little tricky because he’s not a U.S. citizen,” said a source, “but where there’s a will, there’s a way. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is looking for a loophole in the Constitution. Anyway, he’s the Pope and that ought to get our gal the Catholic vote. And she likes the way he declares that Donald Trump is not a Christian.”

*Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe. “Two peas in a pod!” said our source. “Hillary’s under FBI investigation, and so is he.” ( http://www.cnn.com/2016/05/23/politics/terry-mcauliffe-fbi-doj-federal-investigation-campaign-contributions/index.html ) “Hillary and Terry go way back, and he’s done some great work with the Clinton Foundation.” Particularly impressive to Mrs. Clinton, said the source, was a $120,000 donation made to McAuliffe by “a Chinese businessman.” “With Terry and Hillary both scrounging payoffs from questionable sources, it’ll be like old times in the White House,” said a knowledgeable informant. “The only thing missing will be Bill Clinton chasing interns around the Oval Office. But Hillary can appoint him to the Supreme Court to keep him out of mischief.”

So which of these three will it be? We’ll just have to wait and see!

The Most Equal and Inclusive High School in America

Throughout the land, in recent days, public high schools–and colleges, of course– have been competing with one another to see which one can produce the most stilted and asinine graduation ceremony.

A school in Texas vaulted into the lead last week by not allowing students to wear their National Honor Society ribbons, ’cause it’d make kids feel bad who weren’t in the National Honor Society (I was in it when I graduated, and I can’t say anybody noticed, much less felt slighted).

Well, that has inspired another high school to go it way better.

Elwood P. Dowd High School in Schmendrick City, Michigan, will not allow graduating seniors to use their personal names. The names will not appear on the diplomas. As Principal Sy Fistula explained, “What could be less inclusive than your personal name? It excludes everyone but you! But we won’t allow that anymore.”

Dowd is going to extraordinary lengths to achieve absolute equality among the student body. During graduation, each student will wear a large gunny sack to completely conceal his or her identity. Each will be led up by ushers to receive his or her diploma. And to avoid any hint of inequality, all of the diplomas will be exactly the same and will be handed out at random by a blindfolded teacher who will fish them out of a barrel.

And instead of a traditional anthem of any kind, said Fistula, “Our kids will sing that old favorite from China’s Maoist era, ‘The People Joyfully Carry Manure to the Fields.'”

If the graduation is as great a success as anticipated, said Superintendent of Schools Dr. Mildred Blastoff, “We’ll do away with personal names all throughout the year for each and every grade in all our schools.”

‘Atheists Got No Songs’

And let’s close out with this amusing little ditty, Atheists Don’t Have No Songs, with Steve Martin, suggested by Susan, my editor.

Actually, atheists don’t have much of anything, except for maybe chutzpah. It takes real nerve to be that foolish and still think you’re smart.

Save the Planet by Laundering Your Toilet Paper

The Obama administration has granted $750 billion (that’s billion with a b) to a company that is developing a way to wash toilet paper so that it can be used again.

“There’s no such thing as too high a price when you’re fighting Climate Change,” said White House spokesman Slick Gullimoffin. “Anyhow, it won’t cost you a cent unless you’re white.” The project, he explained, will be paid for by a new White Privilege tax of 70% on all income.

“We are tremendously excited by the early trials of this product,” said U.S. Dept. of Energy Secretary Humbold Screwtape. “Heretofore, laundering your toilet paper has always been a difficult proposition. I mean, like, it would always fall apart when it got wet!

“But now, thanks to a new process developed by The Clinton Foundation, you can actually hand-wash your toilet paper in the kitchen sink, and it only takes about 20 minutes per sheet.”

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Jezebel Shagrat pointed to an added benefit. “Once we move all the common people into Agenda 21 housing, you won’t have closet space for a lot of rolls of toilet paper. But for just a couple of hours’ labor a day, you can have all the toilet paper you need.”

Asked precisely how washing toilet paper was going to Save the Planet, Mr. Gullimoffin ruled that such a question was disrespectful to the office of the president and had White House guards take the questioner outside and shoot him.

‘P.C. Police: Diversity Squad’ ( Sponsors Wanted)

Bolus Entertainment is seeking sponsors for its new, can’t-miss, blockbuster TV series, P.C. Police: Diversity Squad.

The two main characters, cops Spike and Evita, both of them undocumented asylum seekers, “are real good buddies and–ahem!–a lot more,” says executive producer Yersinia Pestis. “In each and every episode, they’re going to make the world safe for Diversity by stomping out anyone who won’t get  behind the program.

“Just in the pilot alone,” Pestis said, “Spike and Evita hunt down the last white family in the city, bust up a Climate Change denial ring, deal with an evil Christian musician who tries to refuse to perform at a gay wedding, and help their local community organizer create a safe space for looters.”

“Best of all,” he added, “several major universities have promised to give course credit to students who watch Diversity Squad. And our two stars–who are computer-generated, by the way!–will be visiting campuses to encourage students to sign an oath pledging their lifelong loyalty to the cause of Social Justice.

“TV,” he said, “will never be the same again.”