G’day! And next time I see you, it’ll be next year!
Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s snatched-from-obscurity TV shows… Just the thing for while you’re waiting for the ball to drop. Here’s the merest sample!
8 P.M. Ch. 09 DAG NABBIT!–Drama, comedy, whatever
Dag Nabbit (Ken Singleton) is a 14th-century Swedish diplomat brought back to life and made mayor of Nutworks, Mississippi. This week: Dag has a revolting zoning board on his hands. Maggie: Theda Bara. Hyena Man: Telly Savalas,
Ch. 12 JIMMY FRAUD’S NEW YEAR’S SPECIAL–Variety
Live from the Schmeer Street Industrial Park in Nogottum, NJ! See the June Taylor Dancers dance to the beat of heavy metal, provided by Mrs. Sphagnum’s fourth-grade class! See Jimmy balance a glass of some unmentionable substance on his forehead! See if anyone else shows up.
8:07 P.M. Ch. 16 NEWS WITH FRANKENSTEIN–News with monsters
Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolf Man anchor this news desk, along with Warner Wolf for Sports and Fannie Fox for Weather. Tonight: Reporter Todd Tadpole tracks Britain’s mysterious Goat Man… and Goat Man tracks him. A-Woooooo! That’s scary!
8:30 P.M. Ch. 26 MOVIE–Historical Melodrama
Jimmy Durante stars as Haakon the Bold in Four Kings of Norway That Even Norwegians Never Heard Of (Swedish-Cambodian, 2017). Haakon is best known for nothing at all! Queen Hortense: Dinah Shore. King Orville of Some Frozen Place in Russia: Billy Martin. Featured Song: “Froze My Coccyx Off!” (Bill Bongle and the Balladeers)
9 P.M. Ch. 03 PLACES THAT ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING–Travelogue
Critics said it was “intolerably boring,” but stay with it! Host Judy Fooseball takes you from Nick’s Bowling Alley in Los Borrachos, California, to the municipal landfill outside Dogbreath Township, Maryland–and is never more than a sigh or a gulp away from an emotional scene to turn the whole business into a monstrous travesty. Directed by the guy who wrote the forward to my Chinese 101 primer in college.
How’s that for ending the year with a bang? Here on Rottnest Island we like to inflate paper bags and then pop them–that’s how we do New Year’s. It does beat getting stepped on in Times Square.
Happy New Year from Byron and all the other quokkas!