My Newswithviews Column, March 16 (‘Mount Blushmore’)

2,850 Mount Rushmore Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock  | Presidents day, Statue of liberty, South dakota

While we still have some mountains left, how can we go on without a Mount Rushmore-type monument to the progressives who are making America what it is today?

Far Left Monument: ‘Mount Blushmore’

And as long as our government is giving out rewards and honors to people who don’t even live here–like the tranny in Argentina who got a Women of Courage Award–any monuments we build from now on should have no bias toward America.

With this in mind… Mount Blushmore’s time has surely come.

Oh, No! A Preposition Shortage!

Commonly Confused Prepositions—In/Into, On/Onto, Between/Among Trinka

The Biden administration is taking firm steps to prevent Western Europe’s damaging preposition shortage from spilling over into the United States.

The preposition shortage is caused by Transphobia, scientists say. Note the illustration above, in which “expect” is offered to us as a preposition in place of “except.” The confusion is increasing!

“We are not going to let this happen here,” said Dr. Imshi Bowwow, recently appointed preposition czar. “If we have to, we’ll make up new prepositions to fill the void left by the others. For instance, if you can’t say ‘Ze is in that room’ because ‘in’ has suddenly dropped out of the language, you can still say ‘Ze zum that room.’

“And if that doesn’t work, we may have to sacrifice a noun or an adverb–whatever it takes! Like, man, we’re already in deep trouble with our pronouns! But it’s not without a silver lining. If people can’t talk, they can’t say bad things!”

And there’s always pantomiming as a last resort, they added. Note the “they.”

So far, Finland has been the country hardest hit. In, at, of, and with are rapidly disappearing from the language. “But at least they’ve got a transgender figure skater!” Dr. Bowwow said. “Maybe the trade-off is worth it.”

(P.S.–They’ve also spelled “across” as “accross.”)

Our Stupid State Dept.

71,119 Fancy Letters Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Sheesh, look at all them freakin’ serifs! You could go blind…

Europe’s on fire with war, Red China wants to invade Taiwan, Brazil’s been taken over by a communist… but our State Dept. has its priorities in order!

They’ve just announced they’re going to change the type font on all official State Dept. documents ( No more “Times New Roman”! It’s got serifs in it. Fooey! It ain’t “accessible” to persons with certain disabilities.

So they’re gonna go with Calibri instead, which has no serifs. Those blasted serifs–

Wait! Stop! News Flash! This Just In: 

“The biggest disability of them all is illiteracy,” says former mental patient Sandy Palooka, now a deputy Secretary of State. “So from now on, no official State Dept. documents at all will be printed! There’s an old saying at the FBI, ‘If you don’t write it down, they don’t got a case.’ Well, that’s a very wise saying and we’re taking it to heart–nothing in writing! Hey, whatever font you use, it don’t matter if somebody they can’t read at all. And if there’s just one person who can’t read, that’s one too many!”


Dems: Lower Voting Age to 4!

Voting for the Future Generation - New Darlings

If only the cacti could vote!

“I’ve learned my lesson!” says former Squeaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We lost that bill to lower the voting age to 16 simply because it didn’t go far enough. I see that now! So we’re coming back with a new bill to lower the voting age to four.”

Pelosi chose not to comment on rumors that party leaders had to quash a movement to expand the voting franchises to include plants and animals. “Of course we would have liked to see cacti voting Democrat in Arizona,” she said. “But before we can do that, we really must see about granting voting rights to citizens of other countries than ours. After all, we’re all on the same planet!”

Special poll watchers will help the 4-year-olds vote, leading them by the hand to the voting machines and showing them which buttons to press. A successful vote will earn the gift of a lollipop.

To make it easier for very young children, the new voting machines will have only Democrat buttons.

“This is the kind of thing that makes America unique!” Pelosi said.

‘My Poetical Slip Is Showing’ (2015)

13 T s eliot Images: PICRYL Public Domain Search

We can all be just like T.S. Eliot!

It’s grey and wet and dreary again today–waddaya say to some poetry? Note I did not say “pottery.” We’re very careful about language around here!

My Poetical Slip is Showing

Political poetry has a long tradition in America, but you’d never know it from the grey and wet and dreary politics we have today.

Please, readers, feel free to share some of your own efforts at political poetry. The art needs updating.

‘Terrorists’ Don’t Go To His Movies

Keep Your Cool During 'Short Fuse Summer' | Contracting Business

Actor William Boghopper has cut loose against the movie-going public, branding as “terrorists” everyone who purposely failed to attend his latest effort, Juliet and Romeo: Non-Binary Is Better. That film cost a reported $180 million and change; but it has only earned some $14,000 in the twelve weeks since its release.

Boghopper (above) plays a superannuated “Romeo” who thinks he could also be “Juliet” if given half a chance.

“People stayed away from this great film because they’re terrorists and haters,” said the star. “They’re the Taliban! They’re Al-Qaeda! Except the Taliban and Al-Qaeda are nicer. They deserve long prison sentences! No matter how you slice it, Hate is against the law.

“I like the way China’s handled it,” he said. “There, you must go see the movie or you won’t be allowed to buy food.” Figures from China suggest that even with that penalty, people still refuse to watch Juliet and Romeo. “We’d rather starve to death!” said a disgruntled moviegoer in Belle Mead, New Jersey.

“I’ll get them all!” growled Boghopper. He didn’t say how.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 31

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 21st through 27th, 1981

G’day! And next time I see you, it’ll be next year!

Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s snatched-from-obscurity TV shows… Just the thing for while you’re waiting for the ball to drop. Here’s the merest sample!

8 P.M.  Ch. 09  DAG NABBIT!–Drama, comedy, whatever

Dag Nabbit (Ken Singleton) is a 14th-century Swedish diplomat brought back to life and made mayor of Nutworks, Mississippi. This week: Dag has a revolting zoning board on his hands. Maggie: Theda Bara. Hyena Man: Telly Savalas,


Live from the Schmeer Street Industrial Park in Nogottum, NJ! See the June Taylor Dancers dance to the beat of heavy metal, provided by Mrs. Sphagnum’s fourth-grade class! See Jimmy balance a glass of some unmentionable substance on his forehead! See if anyone else shows up.

8:07 P.M.  Ch. 16  NEWS WITH FRANKENSTEIN–News with monsters

Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolf Man anchor this news desk, along with Warner Wolf for Sports and Fannie Fox for Weather. Tonight: Reporter Todd Tadpole tracks Britain’s mysterious Goat Man… and Goat Man tracks him. A-Woooooo! That’s scary!

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 26  MOVIE–Historical Melodrama

Jimmy Durante stars as Haakon the Bold in Four Kings of Norway That Even Norwegians Never Heard Of (Swedish-Cambodian, 2017). Haakon is best known for nothing at all! Queen Hortense: Dinah Shore. King Orville of Some Frozen Place in Russia: Billy Martin. Featured Song: “Froze My Coccyx Off!” (Bill Bongle and the Balladeers)


Critics said it was “intolerably boring,” but stay with it! Host Judy Fooseball takes you from Nick’s Bowling Alley in Los Borrachos, California, to the municipal landfill outside Dogbreath Township, Maryland–and is never more than a sigh or a gulp away from an emotional scene to turn the whole business into a monstrous travesty. Directed by the guy who wrote the forward to my Chinese 101 primer in college.

How’s that for ending the year with a bang? Here on Rottnest Island we like to inflate paper bags and then pop them–that’s how we do New Year’s. It does beat getting stepped on in Times Square.

2,534 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Happy New Year from Byron and all the other quokkas!


Revolutionary People’s Socialism Really Works!

A Few Words for the Firing Squad | The Nation

Under President-for-Life Oscar Bugito Calabasa, the Democratic People’s Republic of El Pulco has embarked on a new program of “revolutionary social justice.”

RSJ is very simple! Every day, the regime randomly puts someone to death by firing squad. At the same time, another citizen, also chosen at random, is lavishly rewarded. Reasons for both the punishment and the reward are provided days later… or not at all.

“It keeps the little campesinos on their toes, no?” quipped the Supreme Leader. “I am also thinking of starting a contest called Guess the Reason. Everyone will be required to play! And if you can guess the reason why we executed someone on that day–hey! We promise not to kill you tomorrow!”

Meanwhile, the lavish rewards of the day feature such items as a loaf of bread no more than two weeks old, a pair of shoes with recently patched soles, a book of El Presidente’s Meditations on Life in Places Like Boston That I Never Been To, a plastic harmonica, or even a pair of wax lips. Wack-O-Wax Wax Lips 24-Count Box, Cherry Flavor

“Here in El Pulco,” said The Glorious Commander, “we take social justice very seriously! Two principles have guided me: One, Everyone is guilty of something! And two, You can’t overthrow a government that gives you free stuff! And as you can see, they really work!”

The Chicago teachers’ union recently honored Calabasa as its Role Model of the Year. “We’ve always told you socialism really, truly works! And all it takes is half a chance… and some firing squads!”

Global Contest: ‘Name The Virus’

A Biden Moment - The New York Times

If they can’t call it monkey pox, how about “Biden Pox”?

They may not be able to cure it, they may not be able to stop its spread; but boy howdy, they’re scrambling all over to find a new name for monkey pox (

The current name for the virus, frantic liberals say, is “steeped in racism” and “discriminatory and stigmatizing” to… to “ethnic people.” (Honk if you know any people who are not ethnic.) They want to “avoid causing offense” to anyone, anywhere.

This is a golden opportunity to bring the world together in a “Name the Virus” contest!

Anyone can enter–and you can do it here, while we’re waiting for the World Health Organization to set up a website and decide on what kind of prize to offer. (How about a bicycle?) All you have to do is invent a catchy name that won’t offend anyone on the planet.

No f-bombs, please. I’ll have to delete those.

Mrs. Bates for U.S. Senate!

Psycho | "Mrs. Bates ?" ('Mrs. Bates' and diorama by RK / 'W… | Flickr

Mrs. Athalia Bates, best known as Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho, is running for re-election to the Senate. The long-time Democrat has been a fixture in the Senate since 1960, when a local funeral home mysteriously “lost” her.

“The fact that she is dead is something that only a bigoted Republican steeped in liveism would ever hold against her,” said Mark Kardz, Democrat Party strategist. “She never committed those murders! Her son did–and he’s better now.

“Everybody knows that dead people are a major component of our party’s voting base–and who better than Mrs. Bates to represent them? And you didn’t hear it from me, but Athaliah Bates taught V.P. Kamala Harris everything she knows! And not only that: President Biden plays pinochle with her every other night. And she always wins!”

The secret of Mrs. Bates’ success, he said, “Is that she fits right in! She’s sort of our party personified. Everything you would ever expect from a Democrat, you get from Mrs. Bates.”

It has not yet been decided which state Mrs. Bates will represent. It’s usually California, “But New York is making a serious pitch for her this year,” said Kardz.