Back in 2019 it was politics; today it’s politics and war. If you’re as tired of reading the nooze as I am of writing it, let’s try this–just plain making it up. I’m sure none of our nooze media have ever done that before.
100% Genuine Fake News
P.S.–The ultimatum from YouTube: either pay $14 a month (kind of steep!) to go ad-free, or allow us to inundate you with crappy commercials. Otherwise no video for you. Like I have the time to sit there waiting for the ^%$&# commercial to be over…
Bongo Bakeries Inc., makers of Fishy Flakes (tuna-flavored sweetened cereal) and Bob’s Toothpaste Sandwich Cookies, is about to release a new commercial starring former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. A far from reliable source, but you know what sources are, these days, has leaked it to us (www.bushwa.com/baloney).
Posed in front of her special freezer jammed full of really expensive gourmet ice cream, Pelosi asserts, “If you ever voted for Donald Trump, you are a threat to our democracy! And if you ever buy General Mills instead of Bongo Bakeries, you are another threat to our democracy!”
Release of the ad is timed to coincide with Mrs. Pelosi’s Threat To Our Democracy Tour. “Face it, everybody–you can’t have a Democracy without Democrats! Just like you shouldn’t have breakfast without Bongo.”
The Tour will highlight other current threats to Democracy, including persons who are not Democrats, privately-owned cars, reading, eating meat products, tying the right shoe first instead of the left shoe, The Common People owning their own homes, birthdays, and staying up late. Et cetera.
Coming soon, to your state: “Affirming everything!“
Gov. Gavin Noisome and the California legislature are working to craft an “affirming care” law that will require all parents to “affirm” their children’s life and career plans–and if they don’t, a court will remove the child from the family and arrange for it (?) to be raised by apes.
“It’s really quite simple,” explains Rep. Hugh Betcha. “Say your five-year-old wants to be a cowboy, and therefor requires the parents to provide him with a horse and a six-gun. Well, the law says they’ll have to ‘affirm that’ by carrying out the child’s wishes. And if they don’t…” He snickered knowingly.
A panel of public school teachers, appointed by teachers’ union bosses, will meet regularly to decide which of their students’ parents are fit to continue being parents. If they don’t make the grade, said Betcha, “Well, you just won’t see them around anymore.”
With a twinkle in his eye, the governor laughed off efforts to stop the bill in committee.
“Once you’ve got the voting machines under control,” he chuckled, “you can do whatever you want!”
Introducing Chapter DCXLXI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular, “The Queen Of Suspense,” takes some time to denounce a baby-sitter she once had.
“She was only 16 at the time,” writes Ms. Crepuscular, “but she was already headed for a life of crime, vice, and torpor! I can’t tell what my parents were thinking of, going out and leaving me alone with that woman! I was only six, how could I defend myself?”
[The editor sighs as he reads the long list of grievances against young Violet’s baby-sitter.]
There’s a homicidal rhinoceros on the loose in Scurveyshire, but we don’t think Ms. Crepuscular is going to get to it this week. She just keeps carrying on about that baby-sitter–whom she refuses to name.
“Trust me, you’d know this name if you heard it!” she writes. “In fact, you may have even once admired this appalling person. ‘Look what she’s achieved!’ you’ll say. To which I must reply, ‘Villains! Dissemble no more!'” She has been reduced to stealing a line from The Tell-Tale Heart.
We will try to get her back on track with the plot by next week.
We do not know what brought up the subject of the baby-sitter in the first place.
Which germ will launch the 2024 pandemic?
Next year’s national elections are for all the marbles. Democrats will trot out every dirty trick they know… while Republicans dither.
We have learned that nothing works better than a great pandemic to skew an election . Lockdowns, mail-in ballots, drop boxes, bundles of ballots delivered after the polls closed (tons of unexpected Democrat votes)–hey, it worked in 2020! The Democrats could have gotten a palm tree elected president. They settled for Biden.
Let’s get up a pool! What will be the next pandemic, just in time for the 2024 elections? A new COVID variant leads the pack so far, but don’t count out measles, bird flu, collywobbles, plague–don’t count out anything. Just write down your guess and mail it in to the pool. Anyone who guesses right gets a million dollars and free jabs.
If they do wind up nominating a palm tree, though, all bets are off.
Students protest the professor’s existence
A tenured professor of Ethics at People’s Democratic College has been fired for teaching “It’s good to be humble, kind, and gentle.”
“We all know that’s code for White Supremacy!” said Dean of Deans Larry Beria. “He’s lucky we have no felony hate speech law in this county–but I’m thinking we can always draw one up, just for him.”
The crunch came when progressive students broke into Professor T.J. Softlee’s office at night and discovered a King James Bible hidden in a desk drawer. College officials fired him the next day, and the students were rewarded with honorary Ph.D.s in Social Justice.
Two weeks ago, students walked out of Softlee’s class when he adopted a homeless kitten. Several of them were shocked badly enough to require therapy. The PDU Liberation Collective temporarily confiscated his car. “It was gas-powered–a declaration of war on The Planet!” said Beria.
College President Xi Jin-Ping said the incident “proves that we are totally dedicated to uniform diversity.”
A riot has been scheduled for this evening.
When the polls look bad for SloJo, you can expect them to look even worse for Cacklin’ Kamala, his V.P. She spews inanities. She laughs when she’s the only one in the funeral parlor who thinks it’s funny. In her capacity as vice president, she has displayed a skill set that would embarrass a marionette.
So… the Democrats’ stable of experts now face the challenge of transforming her into a candidate who can get votes instead of incredulous open-mouthed stares.
The problem is easier than it looks, says our confidential source. “It’s been staring us in the face ever since that movie came out in 1975–The Stepford Wives,” says he. “You want an ideal wife? Fine! You get rid of the one you’ve got and the animatronics boys fix you up with an exact duplicate who won’t have any of the original’s faults or shortcomings. The kind of robots we could only imagine building, back then, are well within the scope of today’s technology! And I know that because Artificial Intelligence!”
In response to our questions, the source grinned slyly and said, “How do you know I’m not an AI-directed robot myself?” Good point. Besides which, we have devised a simple rule of thumb:
“If it still cackles, it’s still Kamala.”
The flag of Palookastan (Don’t ask…)
The People’s Republic of Palookastan likes to call itself “The Science Is Happening Place of All Central Asia.” And to prove it, they’ve passed a law that from now on, all marriages in Palookastan will be arranged by Artificial Intelligence.
President For Life Timoor Shakaleg laughed off some early glitches in the program. “These things happen!” he chortled, in between supervising firing squads. “A man in Jezhnivabad was told he had to marry the city’s founder, Lady Zoof, who died eight hundred years ago. And we had a woman in the mountains for whom is was arranged that she marry her wheelbarrow! So who said science has no sense of humor?”
Comrade Timoor found it slightly less than humorous when the robot directed him to marry his old nurse, Madame Pzessky, who used to make him eat bugs and told him The Blob was going to get him if he didn’t. “A thoroughly odious woman–I hate her!” he said. But moments later, “Well, science is science and we have to do what Science says! Even when we don’t understand it. Science is the only defense we have against Religion. So if Science says ‘Marry your old baggy pants,’ well, then, you marry your old baggy pants! But I regret to report that Madame Pzessky’s whereabouts are currently unknown.”
He has turned down an offer by Acme Robotics Inc. to replace Madame Pzessky with a convincing facsimile.
“There must be children somewhere! We’ve just got to find them.”
No one ever mentions this; but if enough children get their “gender reassigned,” the human race will blot itself out of existence. Except, of course, for elite globalist bigwigs who’ve had their so-called minds downloaded into really cool robots. But they weren’t going to have any children anyway.
Cryptozoology to the rescue!
A Peek Into 2100
Someday we might be in pretty desperate straits, having rendered way too many children permanently sterile. What are we going to say? “It seemed like a good idea at the time”? But we are unlikely to have any posterity to say it to.
It’s not to keep freedom out. It’s to keep freedom in.
How about it, boys ‘n’ girls (see–only two genders, no matter what Democrats say)? Have you grown any comfier with the idea of speech and religious freedom confined to named zones designated by the government? Heck, if you’re in college, you’re totally used to it by now.
How About Just ‘Some’ Religious Freedom?
Get it through your heads, everybody. Libs and progs will not stop until they’ve turned our country into a Third World hell-hole. That is what they want. We don’t know why they want it. Who can read such depraved minds?
Blatantly unconstitutional… and they totally get away with it.