Let Us Finish Your Sentences!

Computer Worship' by Joseph S. Salemi | Society of Classical Poets

The Golden Calf’s got nothin’ on this.

Free World Obedience Corp. (“Compliance ‘R’ Us”) is designing a master computer that will make it impossible to criticize the government… or even disagree with anything a government spokes-thingy says.

The general idea is to tie each and every computer, everywhere, in to a master computer that will finish users’ sentences for them, even as they try to type them. (No, it will not finish prison sentences. Only verbal sentences.) “Why bother to suppress wrong speech,” says company president John Kerry, “when you can just make wrong speech impossible? In fact, when you can turn it into right speech!”

He provided an example. “Let’s say you want to say, ‘Beloved President Joe Biden is a schnook.’ Your computer will type ‘Beloved President Joe Biden is a hero.’ No matter how many times you try to type something hateful, it’ll display as something nice.”

(No, FWOC will not finish your prison sentence for you! Please pay attention!)

Eventually, he said, the master computer will be master of the world, “Sort of like a god. Every single computer in the world will be hooked up to it.” With a twinkle in his eye, he added, “And the beauty of it is, it’s only going to cost some 400 trillion dollars–chicken feed! We can print up that much money in just a few days.”

“You’ll all be amazed at how happy this makes everybody in the world!” he added. “Like we say at Davos, you’ll own nothing and be happy! And if not–” his eyes not only twinkled, but glinted–“well, heh-heh-heh!”


Here Comes a Satire

The Rise and Suspiciously Rapid Fall of Freedomland U.S.A. - Atlas Obscura

I’m going to write a satire for Newswithviews this week, and I want to warn my regular readers that that’s what it is–a satire. I’ve already run it up the flagpole for my wife and my editor, and they both found it appallingly believable. Well, we don’t want to alarm anybody, do we?

So I’m going to say the Democrats’ insane spending bill includes $20 billion to set up half a dozen theme parks throughout America. The parks will be called “Commieland.”

When I was a boy in 1960, a theme park called “Freedomland USA” was constructed in the Bronx, NY. Tons of TV commercials! I wonder if any of you remember it. By 1964 it was bankrupt and had to be closed.

*Sigh* It’s increasingly difficult to do satire, these days. You make up something ridiculous and almost immediately something even more ridiculous crops up in real life. Especially now.

The fact that so many people find really wild satires completely believable is not a good sign.



The Division of Happy Funny-Ness?

The Economist on Twitter: "America's government wastes a heck of a lot of  money http://t.co/V9sFd1WzYv http://t.co/jDmNsydwmH"

Buried in the $3.5 trillion spending package that Democrats have been trying to move through Congress, we find $175 billion allocated for creating, within the Dept. of Justice, a new Division of Happy Funny-Ness charged with keeping America amused by jokes and riddles.

The division will be headed and staffed by members of a little-known branch of the Biden family, the Xi Jin Pings. Assistant Deputy Vice-Director Boo-Boo Biden has already composed several riddles for public distribution. Here are two examples.

Q: Why wasn’t the cowboy hungry?

A: Because he just ate.

And if you think that was a rolling-on-the-floor knee-slapper, get a load of this one–

Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and something else? (This one doesn’t have an Answer yet. We presume Boo-Boo is still researching it.)

According to CNN News, all opposition to any aspect of the spending bill is racist and should be investigated by the FBI as soon as that agency can take time off from investigating parents who complain about their public schools’ curriculum.

‘UN Calls for “Unprecedented Societal Change”‘ (2018)

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Citizens of the world, one and all!

The corrupt dictators’ club that is the United Nations, a couple of years ago, highlighted The Supreme Struggle Against Climbit Chainge by suggested that part of it would have to take the form of Unprecedented Societal Change. They never explained exactly what they had in mind, so it was left up to satirists to speculate.

UN Calls For ‘Unprecedented Societal Change’

There are ideas as bad as world government–that whole transgender thing, for one–but there are certainly no ideas that are worse. The would-be masters of the world want global government so bad, they can taste it. Climbite Chainge couldn’t quite do it for them, but now they’ve got King COVID working for them.

O Lord of hosts, smite them…

Breakthrough! You Can Change Your Species

Elephant Nose Costume Accessory : Amazon.ca: Toys & Games

A doctor in California (where else?) has announced a breakthrough in plastic surgery which he claims will be “the next big thing in liberation from reality!”

Dr. Hobart Plotz claims to have successfully removed a patient’s nose and replaced it with a miniature elephant’s trunk.

“Just because you’ve been assigned a human nose,” he said, “doesn’t mean you have to keep it!

“Look–we are assigned a gender, but now we can change someone’s gender at will, it’s no big deal. Transitioning into another species is just like transitioning into another gender. In this case, an elephant.”

Critics have mean-spiritedly pointed to the string that seems to go around the patient’s head, holding a plastic trunk to the face. “Don’t listen to them!” says Dr. Plotz. “They’re just a bunch of racists! The string is purely temporary. We don’t want the trunk falling off before the surgery heals.”

Once the trunk is firmly attached, says Dr. Plotz, “Next we do the ears–and so on and so on, until the patient has completely transitioned from human to elephant.”

But why do this at all?

“Because we can!” exclaims the doctor. “Simply because we can. And of course,” he adds, “to demonstrate there’s no such thing as reality.”

‘The Diversity Ice Cream Shop’ (2017)

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Now that we have a–well, they’re calling him a “president”, who poses as a connoisseur of ice cream cones, and thereby fascinates our Free & Independent Democrat Nooze Media, it’s high time we revisited the Diversity Ice Cream Shop.

The Diversity Ice Cream Shop

By gum, there is only one permitted flavor and heaven help you if you even think about asking for another! If you try that, you’re just asking for a visit to the back room and a beat-down.

One flavor, one vaccine, one political party, one health care plan, one opinion only on any conceivable subject–that’s diversity! And we’ll achieve it if it kills us.

Which it just might.


AOC: Use Magic to Heat Your Home!

Halloween witch stock vector. Illustration of flying - 34475082

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-Twilight Zone) says she’s discovered a whole new way to meet America’s energy needs without harming The Planet “even one little bit!”

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before!” she babbled. “Magic! All the energy we need, we can get by magic! Just like in a Harry Potter book! Somebody read me one of those and it made a lot of sense. Like, if you can fly around on brooms because you know the magic spells, with the right spell, you can do anything.”

It’s no secret in Washington that AOC is aiming for higher things–Speaker of the House, the Senate, governor, even the White House. Halfbakednews.com has learned that she has hired “a wise woman” to help her climb the ladder.

“No, no, not a real ladder, silly!” she gushed to an interviewer. “I mean the ladder of power. There is a spell for every rung!

“But we are talking about a new Mandate that will make magic the basis for all energy production in America! Presto–no more pollution! Cars won’t even need engines anymore!”

An extra surtax will be charged for each spell used by persons who are not members of the government, she added.

Comment Contest: Win a Term as President!

Palace of Versailles to host huge rave this summer and it's easy to go for  cheap - Mirror Online

How would you like to be president of the Untied States–with absolute power to do any flamin’ thing you want?

Well, now the exalted rank of POTUS can be yours… if you’re the lucky reader who enters Comment No. 80,000 on this blog!

Yes, we have it on unimpeachable authority (heh-heh!) that the Constitution is soon to be retired, with the country governed from now on by whatever Mandate pops into a president’s or governor’s head. Imagine the fabulousness of handing down your first Mandate! And everybody has to obey it–or else! “From now on all doorknobs must have smiley faces on them!” “All persons whose names begin with R, report to The Camp!” “Odd-numbered days are now Barack Obama Day!” I mean, you could go just complete crazy…

Best of all, you won’t even have to be elected! Just win the comment contest. And the next thing you know, you’ll be moving into a Presidential Palace (just like the one in the picture!) and getting set to Change The World!

‘The Centaurs Strike Back’

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I seem to have offended the centaur community. Who knew there even was a centaur community?

The Centaurs Strike Back

Of course, the solution would be never to write anything about centaurs anymore. Or anything else, for that matter. There’s always someone who’s going to be offended. They get mad at you if you don’t offend them! Not offending them offends them. You can’t win. All these microscopic little subcultures trying to tell us what we can say and can’t say…

Pelosi Calls for ‘Gay National Anthem’

ASAP Anole Adaptation | California Academy of Sciences

(You don’t think I want to illustrate this story, do you? Here’s a nice little lizard instead.)

Squeaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says it’s time America had a Gay National Anthem.

“According to the official Democratic Party and Hollywood census, gay/lesbian/trans Americans now account for 45% of the population,” Pelosi said. “That’s more than enough to deserve your own national anthem!

“Look! We fly our Gay Pride and Transgender Pride flags in front of our U.S. embassies–especially in Third World countries where they find it tremendously offensive. But what’re they gonna do about it, huh? Suck it up, you pipsqueaks, or you’ll get no foreign aid!”

With a twinkle in her eye, the Squeaker declined to reveal the title of the Gay National Anthem, or the artist that would perform it. Asked if it would be Joe Biden himself, Pelosi said, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you… er… fewer lies!”

[Note: The foregoing is a satire written for comedic effect. We all know the Democrat Party would never, never stoop to anything as low as this.]