How to Talk Smart: False Facts

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If it’s really very important to you to have other people think you’re smart, but you simply don’t have it in you, well, you can still talk smart!

What makes people think you’re smart? Knowing something they don’t know!

That’s where Acme False Facts come in. Armed with these, and confidence–you do have to project confidence, so practice in front of a mirror–you can wow your neighbors and your co-workers with your vast store of esoteric knowledge.

Here are a few samples to get you started.

*In 24 hours, a healthy human body naturally manufactures enough palumbitol to fill a football helmet. (If anyone asks you what “palumbitol” is, respond with a pitying look and a slow shake of the head.)

*James Madison was educated in a Muslim school in Algeria.

*In Ancient Britain before the Roman conquest, same-sex marriage was the rule rather than the exception, and it produced a society completely free of inequality.

*Prior to 1938, there were no “Psalms” in the Bible. (You have to deliver that line with a great deal of confidence. Practice! If you can put this one over, there’s no limit to how far you can go–maybe even to a successful career in politics.) The Psalms were only added afterward, by a committee.

*Hillary Clinton’s IQ has been officially measured at 202, but she has always been very modest about it, purposely imitating a nincompoop so as not to intimidate the public.

*The first motion picture, The Graduate starring Dustin Hoffman, was made in 1970.


11 comments on “How to Talk Smart: False Facts

  1. How about this one: Neil De Grasse Tyson is a real scientist. I think he may have attended some of the same classes Bill Nye did.

    1. I used to watch a series entitled The Universe. Each subsequent season became less fact and more fancy while the scientists featured became less University and more Hollywood, or at least more Burbank.

    2. Missed that one; but Carl Sagan’s “Cosmos” was abundantly bad enough.
      Boy, did Uncle Floyd Vivino do a great parody of that! “Blahsmos”

  2. Here’s one I just saw, and unfortunately it appears to be a ‘real fact’: Evidently being convicted of treason is no reason not to run for Congress. While we all realize Congress and D.C. are already infested with traitors, somehow this actually legitimizes treason. What next?!

    PS: You may want to have a barf bag nearby. The bathing suit picture of Chelsea/Bradley Manning is more than stunning.

    1. At the risk of redundancy, who needs news? Turn off the TV, don’t buy newspapers, etc. the last time I bought a paper, it was because I needed some cheap paper to pack something in.

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