Fight Climbit Change! Bring Back the Mammoth

Image result for images of mammoths grown in lab

“Clone ’em, Dano!”

Say hey! Did you know there’s a Harvard Woolly Mammoth Revival Team? And they’ve got a little science project, straight out of Jurassic Park, to fight imaginary Global Warming [trumpet fanfare]–by bringing back the woolly mammoth! (

The project director flat-out denies they have any interest in doing what was done in the Jurassic Park movies, and then describes what they’re gonna do, which is exactly what they did in Jurassic Park and its sequels. They don’t want the whole mammoth: just the bits that resist cold. So they’ll mix mammoth DNA with elephant DNA and grow the critters in the laboratory. Psst, dude! That’s exactly how they got into all that trouble in Jurassic World!

The idea is to fight off Global Warming by turning a whole buncha mammoth-elephant-whatevers loose in Siberia to knock down the trees and trample the snow, which will keep the permafrost from suddenly thawing out because of SUVs and toilet paper and oh man oh man we’re all gonna die–!

Absent from the calculation is knowledge of what caused mammoths to go extinct in the first place, not to mention any sure knowledge of just how they interacted with their environment, and with what result. Which came first–the extinction of the woolly mammoth, or the forests that now cover much of Siberia where the mammoths used to live?

Aw, hell, we don’t need to know all that stuff before we grow a million mammoths in the lab and sick ’em on the trees.

Maybe they didn’t see Jurassic World. 

10 comments on “Fight Climbit Change! Bring Back the Mammoth

  1. Herds of mammoths are going to be very, very hungry. Let’s hope they don’t turn out to have been carnivores. But even herbivores will do an interesting job of atmospheric oxygen depletion if they eat up all the vegetation. Oh, well. As long as we’re fighting climbit change, who cares?

  2. We gotta find a way to package this and sell it for lawn food. They may not have brought back the wooly mammoth, but they have enough manure for a a massive heard of them. 🙂

  3. Consequences? You mean there might be consequences? These are scientists! They don’t deal in consequences! They envision things and poof – it happens just as they imagined!

  4. Today I had the ordeal of sitting through a “science” video over and over again about animal extinction, which was really a propaganda piece to brainwash young brains full of mush. The part about how Asians are killing off the shark because of their love of shark soup was interesting, but overall planet Earth is doomed if we don’t all become vegetarians over night. What galled me the most was at the end of the video the Baby Boomers were blamed for Climite Change.

    1. That sounds like the kind of teaching assignment that would have wound up getting me fired. One can only keep silent for so long…

    2. I seriously doubt there is enough farmland to sustain 7 billion people. And to open up more farmland would lead to deforestation, which defeats the whole point.

    3. It all works out great if you kill off half of the human race. Or more. But not too many. You have to leave enough for The Smartest People In The World to push around.

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