NASA has discovered “irrefutable evidence” of “systemic racism” on Mars–and “It’s right there for everyone to see,” says Project Director Dr. I.C. Catpee (http://stupid.com).
“It’s all there in the stones and in the dirt,” Dr. Catpee continued. “See those shadows? You only get shadows like that when there’s systemic racism around–just like on earth!”
Mars, he said, “made the mistake of not having an all-powerful central government to address the problem, and so it just festered and festered for millions of years.” He did admit that the fact that the planet had no life-forms on it inhibited the creation of a central government. “But where there’s a will there’s a way!”
Systemic racism can be found “literally anywhere you look!” he said. “Don’t let what happened to Mars happen to earth! End systemic racism now, or it will end all life on earth… although of course women and minorities will be hardest hit.”
Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “Are there 36 alien civilizations out there?” Disregarding the short answer–“No”–what about all those “new calculations” that indicate there are 36 alien civilizations out there in the universe?
But alas, they’re all way too far away for us to ever get in contact with them.
You’ve got to applaud Science for resolutely marching on toward total irrelevance. In the absence of anything like evidence, the “calculations” don’t even rise to the level of shots in the dark. But of course for people who don’t know the difference between evidence and pure assumptions untainted by any kind of facts, this will not be a problem. Evolution is real so there!
I come from a time when people didn’t talk like this, and I’m in no hurry to align myself with a time in which they do. I’d much rather be someone from another time brought here when he wasn’t looking.
It’s the Easter season, so of course we’re bombarded with “experts” and “scholars” insisting that Jesus–not “Our Lord Jesus Christ,” but just “Jesus,” as if He were just some nice guy once upon a time–if he existed at all, certainly never rose from the dead because Science says that can’t happen! But rain on de rocks and de rocks come alive–well, Science says that happened!
Makes Science sound a bit of an ass, don’t you think?
How dare you be grossed out? This is scientific! C’mon, now–what could be more appetizing than “black soldier fly larvae”? And you thought toothpaste sandwich cookies were horrible! Schiff, man–it’s “more sustainable”! If that doesn’t perk up your appetite, what will?
Now, don’t go expecting John Kerry or Barack Obama or Michael Bloomberg or Bernie Sanders to sit down to a nice stack of pancakes with maggot butter (and don’t even try to guess what they want us to use in lieu of maple syrup). This soldier fly goop is for us, not them. It won’t be on the menu at Davos, so don’t get your private jets in a twist, trying to get there before the fly butter is all gone.
We need to save the planet from the idiots who anoint themselves to Save The Planet.
(Note: I have consulted the highest authority available before posting this. The fact that he has not gotten around to answering is immaterial and irrelevant. So there.)
Dr. Miggle Windsock is reputed to be the most able computer programmer in the world. He also believes in witches. “These evil creatures, who have supernatural powers, are responsible for most of the things that go wrong in most people’s lives,” he says. “All a witch has to do is cast a spell, and your blind date turns out to be a disaster.”
And so he has done something about it–created a robot equipped with Artificial Intelligence for identifying witches, no matter how impenetrable their various disguises might be to ordinary people. “They can run,” he says, “but they can’t hide.”
Sorting out a plethora of clues according to some 300 subtle parameters–gee, I like the sound of that! Don’t you?–Dr. Windsock’s robot has already unmasked several dozen witches disguised as Wal-Mart greeters, crossing guards, real estate agents, and even a professional baseball player.
“Just letting people know who they are takes away a lot of their power,” says Dr. Windsock. “But the really indispensable step is political: the government has to re-criminalize the practice of witchcraft. That’ll be difficult, because there are so many witches currently in Congress and state legislatures. I don’t need my robot to identify them!”
But the success of the robot, Dr. Windsock says, proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Artificial Intelligence “is a thing,” that it doesn’t depend on the mind-set or the intelligence of the programmer, and that anyone who questions it “is probably a witch, too, and needs to be dealt with accordingly.”
I missed this nooze when it came out in 2017 and was repeated in 2018. Gee, I wanted to keep things kind of upbeat this weekend, but–well, oh, boy!
According to a psychologist named Linda Blair (No! not that Linda Blair, from The Exorcist… but I’m just guessing), hearing too much “holiday music,” especially over a store’s sound system while you’re shopping, is just awful for the old coconut. It keeps you “from being able to focus on anything else,” sez the Scientist.
We are not told what it does to you the rest of the year, with non-“holiday music” coming at you over the intercom.
Note she stops short of mentioning Christmas. Like Christmas itself is bad for you. Why aren’t you listening to non-stop rap music, eh?
This deserves an answer, and I’ve got one.
P.S.–Please let us know if you go crazy from listening to too many Christmas hymns.