Tag Archives: silly science

Coming Soon (Maybe): The Human Jellyfish?

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Hi! I’m your pet jellyfish, and you can call me Farfel!

You think it’s easy, writing headlines? Imagine having to write a headline for this.

“In 2016, a Japanese scientist reported that three months after the death of his pet jellyfish, a sea anemone-like polyp rose out of the degraded body, and then astonishly aged backwards, reverting to a younger state” (https://sg.news.yahoo.com/harvard-university-uncovers-dna-switch-180000109.html).

We’d love to check this story, but there are so many unanswered questions. What was this scientist’s name? Where did he report his findings? How does anybody wind up with a pet jellyfish? I mean, I’m sure they’re nice and all that, but I never heard of anyone keeping a jellyfish for a pet. What would you name it? Oh–and what was this guy doing, hanging on to the “degraded body” of a jellyfish for three months?

But wait, there’s more!

Scientists at Harvard have discovered a “DNA switch that controls genes for whole-body regeneration,” suggesting it might someday lead to people being able to re-grow lost arms or legs. Uh-uh. They have discovered this gene in worms. Worms are great at growing stuff back. It can also be found in human beings, but we’re not so great at growing stuff back. Not so much as a finger.

Even so, regeneration is the great humanist hope of immortality–that, or loading your mind into a robot. Once they work out the details, George Soros and Nancy Pelosi can stick around and screw up our country for another 700 years. No corrupt rich person will ever have to die!

I think Robert Silverberg wrote a science fiction novel about that, back in the 1950s, but I’m running too late to look it up.


‘Scientists Say the Darnedest Things! (A Job for Dead Astronauts)’ (2016)

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“Mission Control, we have a problem.”

Hey! Maybe we can get life started on other planets by dumping out dead astronauts there!

https://leeduigon.com/2016/10/28/scientists-say-the-darnedest-things-a-job-for-dead-astronauts/

See, the dead astronaut, besides being instantly transformed into a reliable Democrat voter, will have a body full of microbes; and when they find themselves on a lifeless planet orbiting another star, why, they’ll just naturally start evolving! Maybe by the time we’ve figured out how to get a spaceship there without the astronauts dying on the way, they’ll have evolved their own Soupy Sales.

Uh, dude! Didn’t you say Evolution, like, takes millions and billions of years for a microbe to Evolve into, say, one of those fish-things? Like, who wants to wait that long to see if your experiment works?


Learn How to Be an Air Traffic Controller in Just Ten Minutes!

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Babylonian scientists have invented a way for you to learn incredibly complex and difficult things in just a matter of minutes.

“If only we’d had this way back when, our civilization would still be here!” exclaimed project director Dr. Nebuchadnezzar McCoy, professor of Twiddling Studies at Humbaba University. “We could have had air traffic controllers and airline pilots before we had airplanes!”

The way it works is “simple,” he said. “We just slide a cassette into your head and it transfers the information directly to your brain–hardly takes any time at all. The only tricky part is making the slot in your skull in such a way that nothing falls out.”

Dr. McCoy credits student Sharezer Shubbalub with the original idea for the project, which he first tested on the fish in his mother’s aquarium. “Imagine his surprise,” said McCoy, “nay, his sheer astonishment, when suddenly he had a neon tetra who knew all about organic chemistry! I mean, it’s just like one of those computer whaddaya-callums–you know, you stick ’em into the computer somewhere and it like does something or other.”

But young Mr. Shubbalub is modest. “If I hadn’t figured this out, somebody else would’ve,” he said. “I’m just glad it wasn’t an Assyrian. This is the kind of achievement that could only belong to a Babylonian.”

“It could be the start of a complete comeback for our whole civilization,” added Dr. McCoy.


Are You Ready for ‘Smart Chips’?

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No, boys ‘n’ girls, it’s not a new breakfast cereal–although maybe someday it could be. We’re talking about hi-tech “brain chips” that’ll make their lucky owners superintelligent (https://chicago.cbslocal.com/2019/03/04/northwestern-neuroscientist-researching-brain-chips-to-make-people-superintelligent/).

A Northwestern scientist is currently researching the project, which he expects will lead to some people having IQs of around 200. To hear him tell it, it’ll be easy: the chip gives your brain an Internet connection, it goes to Wikipedia, “and when I think this particular thought, it gives me the answer.” That is, it gives you the ability to spit out whatever is on Wikipedia. If you don’t understand what you’re parroting, so what? Wikipedia is never wrong!

The scientist, says the CBS nooze article, is “collaborating with Silicon Valley bigwigs he’d rather not name.” Is that supposed to reassure us? Silicon Valley bigwigs are never wrong, either! They’d never, never, never do anything but what was really, truly good for us. And did I mention that I am the Sultan of Swat?

He’s being cagey about potential societal prombles cropping up if the few people who can afford it get brain chips and become superintelligent while the rest of us are left behind. But the price would be bound to come down if they figured out how to serve them up as breakfast cereal.

From “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” to “Brain Chips for Genius!” doesn’t seem like that big a jump.


Really, if the Jackalope Isn’t Real…

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As long as we’re talking alternate reality, I simply must put in a word for the jackalope.

Skeptics say the jackalope’s not real–but pictures don’t lie! Jackalopes proliferate–am I allowed to use that word? it looks a lot like “pro-life”–during periods of Global Warming and Hate Speech, thriving on Income Inequality, Nationalism, and Transphobia. This is settled science, so everybody just shut up about it.

I think I might have seen one at our supermarket this morning, just as it ducked out of sight near the Easter candy display. Then again, it might have just been a store employee tidying the shelves.


Mars Rover Solves Age-Old Mystery

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How many times have you unloaded a washing machine and discovered you had a sock missing? And you just can’t find it anywhere?

That mystery has now been solved by NASA’s Mars Rover. The little robot, crawling along the red sands of Mars, has bumped into what has been described as “a whole freakin’ mountain of missing socks.”

So that’s where they went…

NASA custodial engineer Tars Tarkas said, “I knew they’d discover something like this, someday! Uh, please step aside so I can mop that spot–thank you. Betcha there’s a mountain of little plastic army men up there, too.”

NASA project director John Carter denied reports of the discovery and called them “mischief perpetrated by racists who are trying to get us all hauled off to a rubber room somewhere.” Replied Tarkas, “I’ve got tenure, so he can go get stuffed. I’ll still be here long after he’s gone.”

There are currently no plans to bring the socks back to earth, according to assistant director Camilo Pascual, who wishes to remain anonymous.


Jackalope Population Explosion!

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This candid photo of a mother jackalope fiercely defending her young was taken by an amateur washing machine repairman in Ongs Hat, New Jersey. He had a narrow escape.

We are getting jackalope reports from all over the country now, a strong indication that the jackalope population has increased dramatically. Scientists believe it’s because of Climate Change and transphobia. What the jackalopes themselves believe is a secret.

They look cute and cuddly, but don’t get too close! A pack of hungry jackalopes can skeletonize a grown man in less than 60 seconds. I have always wanted to use the word “skeletonize” in a sentence, and now I’ve done so.


‘Are Centaurs Really Real?’ (2014)

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This young woman’s choice is ill-advised…

The controversy over the reality of centaurs remains as lively as it’s ever been. I think that’s a true statement.

https://leeduigon.com/2014/10/14/are-centaurs-really-real/

Note the first appearance of Jeremy Coldsore as a NASA scientist, before Violet Crepuscular promoted him to the lordship of Coldsore Hall.

If anybody really knows about centaurs, he does.


‘So It’s Not Satire’ (2016)

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See? It’s not satire at all.

Just when we were finally ready to accept Science as the ultimate arbiter of, like, everything, along comes Feminist Glaciology.

https://leeduigon.com/2016/08/15/so-its-not-satire/

Apparently glaciers behave differently when studied by women instead of men. But of course there are no “facts.” Facts are hateful.

In liberalism, Science and Lunacy have met and infected each other.


Britain’s Menstruating Males

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Don’t worry, they’re not really menstruating: they just think and say they are. The fact that it’s totally not true is dismissed as irrelevant.

Back in 2015 a poll found 25% of UK men said they had a “period” once a month; and 58% of their female “partners” believed them (https://leeduigon.com/2015/11/19/bizarre-25-of-male-brits-think-they-have-man-periods/). “Coo, love, I can’t do anything with Charlie when it’s his time o’ month…”

How did this happen? I wonder what the numbers would be if they took the poll again today, three years later. “One in five British men believes himself to be pregnant…” On second thought, don’t ask.


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