Tag Archives: silly science

March 1, 2020

Food for Us Peasants

By leeduigon

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[Warning! The information contained in this article may upset your stomach and lead to real discomfort.]

Listen up, you deplorables!

Your betters are gonna Save The Planet whether you like it or not, so you’d better learn to like it. And one of the things they mean to do is to replace real butter, which comes from cows, with this goo that comes from… well, maggots (https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/feb/28/larva-fat-sustainable-alternative-butter-cakes).

How dare you be grossed out? This is scientific! C’mon, now–what could be more appetizing than “black soldier fly larvae”? And you thought toothpaste sandwich cookies were horrible! Schiff, man–it’s “more sustainable”! If that doesn’t perk up your appetite, what will?

Now, don’t go expecting John Kerry or Barack Obama or Michael Bloomberg or Bernie Sanders to sit down to a nice stack of pancakes with maggot butter (and don’t even try to guess what they want us to use in lieu of maple syrup). This soldier fly goop is for us, not them. It won’t be on the menu at Davos, so don’t get your private jets in a twist, trying to get there before the fly butter is all gone.

We need to save the planet from the idiots who anoint themselves to Save The Planet.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in news, science news

January 7, 2020

‘Can Fools Create Wise Computers?’ (2014)

By leeduigon

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In a word, No–fools cannot create wise computers. In fact, “wisdom” is not something that can be imparted to any computer, by anyone.

https://leeduigon.com/2014/10/18/can-fools-create-wise-computers/

Even so, we have “scientists” warning us that someday the computers are going to be way smarter than us and they’re gonna take over and OMG we’re all gonna die, die, die–!

Well, they’d better do it fast, because we’ve only got 11 years now before Climbit Change does us in.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Pop Culture, science news

January 2, 2020

Robot Equipped with AI Hunts Witches

By leeduigon

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(Note: I have consulted the highest authority available before posting this. The fact that he has not gotten around to answering is immaterial and irrelevant. So there.)

Dr. Miggle Windsock is reputed to be the most able computer programmer in the world. He also believes in witches. “These evil creatures, who have supernatural powers, are responsible for most of the things that go wrong in most people’s lives,” he says. “All a witch has to do is cast a spell, and your blind date turns out to be a disaster.”

And so he has done something about it–created a robot equipped with Artificial Intelligence for identifying witches, no matter how impenetrable their various disguises might be to ordinary people. “They can run,” he says, “but they can’t hide.”

Sorting out a plethora of clues according to some 300 subtle parameters–gee, I like the sound of that! Don’t you?–Dr. Windsock’s robot has already unmasked several dozen witches disguised as Wal-Mart greeters, crossing guards, real estate agents, and even a professional baseball player.

“Just letting people know who they are takes away a lot of their power,” says Dr. Windsock. “But the really indispensable step is political: the government has to re-criminalize the practice of witchcraft. That’ll be difficult, because there are so many witches currently in Congress and state legislatures. I don’t need my robot to identify them!”

But the success of the robot, Dr. Windsock says, proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Artificial Intelligence “is a thing,” that it doesn’t depend on the mind-set or the intelligence of the programmer, and that anyone who questions it “is probably a witch, too, and needs to be dealt with accordingly.”

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in satire, science news

December 14, 2019

Science! ‘Too Much Holiday Music’ is Bad for You

By leeduigon

I missed this nooze when it came out in 2017 and was repeated in 2018. Gee, I wanted to keep things kind of upbeat this weekend, but–well, oh, boy!

According to a psychologist named Linda Blair (No! not that Linda Blair, from The Exorcist… but I’m just guessing), hearing too much “holiday music,” especially over a store’s sound system while you’re shopping, is just awful for the old coconut. It keeps you “from being able to focus on anything else,” sez the Scientist.

We are not told what it does to you the rest of the year, with non-“holiday music” coming at you over the intercom.

Note she stops short of mentioning Christmas. Like Christmas itself is bad for you. Why aren’t you listening to non-stop rap music, eh?

This deserves an answer, and I’ve got one.

P.S.–Please let us know if you go crazy from listening to too many Christmas hymns.

18 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Pop Culture

November 19, 2019

Transphobia Causes Climate Change

By leeduigon

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It’s official now: Transphobia causes Climate Change.

That’s the finding of the Settled Science Institute at Fimbo University. According to project director Drogo Baggypants, “Unless transphobia is energetically suppressed by all the world’s governments, the earth’s surface temperature will rise to 600 degrees Fahrenheit in just three years. And the science is settled, so I don’t have to answer any questions you might have.”

Dr. Baggypants pointed out that no planet with a majority transgender population has ever suffered from Global Warming. “If you want to go on living,” he said, “the science says you’ve got to live trans.”

Anticipating “some minor and ineffectual criticism,” the project director said “Even a microscopic amount of dissent from this position constitutes an anti-science attitude, and cannot be tolerated.”

For a full copy of the project’s report, just whistle.

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Just for Fun, satire

November 15, 2019

Woke Meddasin!!

By leeduigon

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Sumbtimes it is a drag hasing Moth Antenners whitch i got affter thay “shotted me” Up with Moth Hoarmoans to i can be a trans Wimmin but it Didnt Work and so i “got” theez hear Antenners and aslo i can eet jim sox “and” Hankerchifts!!

Wel whe had a grate Lexture to day “in” Nothing Studdies al abuot Woke Meddasin whitch wee kneed Becose “thare” isnt not enuohgh Wimmin Of Culler and Minorites being dockters “and” sturgeons and we has to got Mutch moar “of” themb for Divercity and Sustanabbilty!! And”the”” whay “yiu lern Meddasin and Sturgery” “is jist bye Doing It” thats whatt the lexturer she sayed!!! “So whoo whants to Vollinteer to trye somb Sturgery?” she askeded and Evry “boddy” thay razed thare Hands!!!

She picked out Fyve 5 of themb and hadded themb push a cupple desks Togetther,, “And nhow wee nead a Pashint!!” And wood yiu beleaveit??? She pickted Me!!! “Come Up “hear” and lay dhown on theez hear deskses and wee wil Do “somb” Sturgery on yiu!!”” Wel i waznt Shure i whanted no sturgery but thay al grabded me “and” holed me dhown “On” themb deskses!!! and then she Reetched into a Bag and taked out a Hatchit!!! “This it is yore luckky Day we Are goingto Ampatate themb stopid Antenners!!!!!”

Of corse i was a Litle bitt affrayed but she taked out a botle and she sayed this hear “it is a Anna Settick al yiu got to Do “is” Drink this And yiu woont feal a Thing!” butt wen she taiked the top off The Botle i gess I panicked becose that stuf it smelt jist Like cat Pee and i didnt whant to Drinkit butt she maid themb holed me “down” and grab my Nose to maik me Oppin my mouth so she Cood “pore” it into me!!! and thenn one of the stodents was sposed to taik “The” hatchit and Chop Off my Antenners!!!!!!!!!!

Yiu cant eevin Imajjin how re-leafed i was wen The Bell it ringed!!! and evry “boddy” thay hadded to “go to” thare neckst Classs!! and i runned aweiay!! That “was” “a” awfful Close Cawl!!!!! i amb like Totilly “in” fayver of Woke Meddasin but i jist whaznt reddy “four” this!!!

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Just for Fun, Public Education, satire

November 13, 2019

Become a Climate Scientist! Only $29.95

By leeduigon

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[Editor’s Note: Our Chewy cat foot delivery has been uncharacteristically delayed. Chewy says the problem is with Fedex, and severe winter weather around Memphis, TN, all but shutting Fedex down. It is unknown whether the cause of this latest Climate Change/Global Warming episode is transphobia or racism.]

Now you, too, can be an Offishal Climate Scientist, just like Jane Fonda! With the Jane Fonda “I ‘R’ A Climate Scientist” Fun Kit, you can be up and running in just two hours!

Each kit includes:

*A list of hit Hollywood movies you can say you were in

*A “12 Years to the End of the World” calendar

*Angry bumper stickers you can paste onto people’s cars at night

*3 bottles of genuine Artificial Sweat

*A Michael Mann Hockey Stick T-Shirt

*15 Real Computer Models that you can study instead of wasting time studying nature

*A WWII surplus hand-cranked Air Raid Siren to drown out Climate Change Diniers

—And, for just an extra $39.95: A pair of Offishal Go-Go Boots just like Jane Fonda’s!

Order now! And who knows? You might wind up on TV!

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in satire, science news

November 11, 2019

So Who Signed the Freakin’ Thing?

By leeduigon

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Last week we were told “11,000 climate scientists” signed a “declaration of climate change emergency,” stating we’re all doomed unless we do everything they tell us to–including some unspecified scheme for reducing the human population of the earth (https://leeduigon.com/2019/11/07/the-sky-is-falling-again/).

Eleven thousand “climate scientists.” Wow. But–! If you wanted to know who, exactly, signed this document, you’re out of luck.

It came out on Tuesday, and on Thursday, access to the list of signatories was blocked–by whom, we aren’t told. But whoever it was did admit that at least one of the reasons they blocked access to it was because… well, Mickey Mouse and Harry Potter signed it. Along with some other characters who don’t exist.

(“We are the merry Mouseketeers/ playing on imaginary fears…”)

What–no Jane Fonda? She at least is real. I guess. And she says she’s a climate scientist. How do her credentials stack up against Harry Potter’s?

Ungodly people who say there’s no such thing as truth in the first place are hardly likely to tell the truth when they’re trying to stampede you into giving them a global government. When they seek their god, they look in a mirror.

Now we are at liberty to ask, “Just who is a ‘climate scientist,’ anyway? What were the criteria for being allowed to sign the declaration? How far out to lunch did you have to be before they wouldn’t let you sign it?”

The truth is not in them, and their climate crapola is nothing but a false religion.

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in news, science news

November 8, 2019

Will Our Robots Murder Us?

By leeduigon

Image result for images of boris karloff as frankenstein

(Thanks to Susan for the nooze tip)

During a recent Q&A session on Reddit, “famed futurist” Michio Kaku–sorry, but I never heard of him–warned that robots will “evolve” to the point where they might harbor “murderous thoughts” toward us humans (https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/world-news/michio-kaku-robots-artificial-intelligence-16849050).

Sheesh, look at all the trouble we had with Frankenstein–and that was only one artificial human.

Anyway, Mr. Kaku says Artificial Intelligence in robots will just keep getting smarter and smarter until robots threaten to “replace humans” and then, he babbles, we’ll have no choice but to “merge” with robots. Then we can have Artificial Intelligence, too!

And this is all supposed to happen, it seems, by itself–without some fool programming a robot to have murderous thoughts toward humans. I guess they’re going to program themselves, a la Jet Jaguar in Godzilla vs. Megalon. Image result for images of jet-jaguar in godzilla vs. megalon  See? As big as Megalon! “He must have programmed himself to do that,” muses the inventor.

Gee, have the movies got this covered, or what?

Is naturally-occurring stupidity in such short supply, these days, that we need to manufacture Artificial Stupidity? Like, why in the world would anybody build a robot that goes around killing people willy-nilly? Well, yeah, probably there’s somebody who would do just that. To Save The Planet or something.

I’m afraid I’ve missed a lot of dozy robot stories since the Drudge Report became the Democrat cheering session and we dropped it for Rantingly.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in science news

November 3, 2019

Not a Satire–He Really Is That Stupid

By leeduigon

Image result for images of stupid andrew cuomo

So there’s New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo on MSNBC a few days ago, masquerading as a normal human being. But of course the truth slipped out, as soon as he said “We didn’t have hurricanes” (or tornadoes or “superstorms”) before we had Climate Change, and, like, it would be “delusional” for anyone to disbelieve in it (https://pjmedia.com/video/andrew-cuomo-we-didnt-have-hurricanes-before-climate-change/).

Yeah, it’s the same Gov. Andrew Cuomo who tried to pass himself off as an illegal alien a year or two ago, and whose political creed is, “America was never that great.”

Living proof that no one’s too stupid to be governor of New York.

Anyway, there it is–liberalism in all its glory. No such thing as truth, no such thing as facts, no such thing as history. Say whatever you think it takes to get your way, and use brute force to silence your opponents.

What’s anybody’s excuse for voting for this man?

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in news

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