Tag Archives: silly science

The Riddle of Centaur Evolution: Solved!

Image result for images of funny centaurs

In an announcement that has rocked that part of the scientific world that concerns itself with centaurs, Dr. Hobart Dogbed, Professor of Comparative Gender Studies at Jidrool University, has solved the mystery of centaur evolution.

“I laugh when I think of how long it took us to work this out,” he said, “but it’s obvious, isn’t it? Centaurs evolved from special apes!”

The thing that was special about these apes was that they were half ape and half horse. Dr. Dogbed calls them Ape-taurs.

Although no fossil remains of any Ape-taurs have been found, Dr. Dogbed defends his theory as “the only one possible. Only racists and Anti-Science fascist biggits would deny it. Since when do we have to show fossils of any of this stuff?”

The Ape-taurs, he said, lived in what is now the Bellyup Nature Preserve “somewhere in Africa” and lived in perfect harmony with all other species. “It was only when the top half started to evolve into a human that centaurs began to get a reputation as troublemakers,” he said. “But that’s what always happens when apes evolve into humans.”

Dr. Dogbed is also an associate professor of Superhero Studies somewhere in Africa.


Damned if They Do, Damned if They Don’t

Image result for images of scientists on trial

Remember this?

After a major earthquake killed more than 300 people in L’Aquila, Italy, a court in 2009 convicted half a dozen scientists of criminal manslaughter for failing to predict the disaster–and sentenced them to six years in prison (https://www.reuters.com/article/us-italy-earthquake-court/italian-scientists-convicted-over-earthquake-warning-idUSBRE89L13V20121022). A government official was thrown in jail with them on the same charges.

All seven defendants were members of a government agency, the National Commission for the Forecast and Prevention of Major Risks.

Well, that’s the problem right there. Who can forecast an earthquake, let alone prevent one? But if you set up an official body “for the Forecast and Prevention of Major Risks,” you’re going to make people think you really can forecast and prevent major risks–and they’re going to be mighty angry with you when you don’t.

Suppose they had declared that a major earthquake was coming, and urged the populace to evacuate the city. And then suppose the earthquake didn’t happen, after all. Guess who gets thrown in jail for falsely spreading panic–to say nothing of the expense entailed in a full evacuation. A false alarm would be no joke.

Of course, our own Climbit Change mob has nothing to worry about. If we don’t give them colossal new powers and trillions of dollars, they can always say “We told you so” if anything goes wrong. And it if doesn’t, they’ll be sitting pretty. “See? Thanks to the fantastic new powers we have over your lives, and the vast new taxes we have made you pay, we’ve prevented the disaster and nothing bad has happened! Just keep on paying, keep on obeying, and we’ll do the rest…”

That’s what makes it a perfect scam. Unlike the National Commission for the Forecast and Prevention of Major Risks, the Climbit Change wallahs don’t have to deliver anything but lots and lots and lots of gab.


Remote-Controlled… People?

Image result for images of peter lorre mad scientist

Sounds like every liberal’s dream, doesn’t it? Remotely “hack” someone’s brain to make him do what you want him to do.

Well, a team of “scientists,” whatever they are anymore, has managed to do just that: remotely control a brain to make the subject run, freeze in place, or lose control of his limbs (http://bgr.com/2017/08/18/brain-hack-science-limb-control/). But don’t worry–they only did it to a mouse. No one would dream of doing it to another human being.

Every utopian humanist dream fulfilled! Total obedience! No more trouble with the masses: they’ll just have to do as they’re told. Shoot, where’s Boris Karloff when you need him? And Peter Lorre? Can’t you just hear Lorre whispering, “Now, Mr. Patient, pick up the knife–yes, that’s right–and I will press this little button, and you will stab Mr. Greedy in the back, right between the shoulder-blades. I owe him a lot of money, you see…”

It’s all Jurassic Park. And just wait till the dinosaurs get loose.


We Have to Destroy the Human Race in Order to Save It?

Image result for images of mad max

National Public Radio, funded by your defenseless tax dollars, is all hepped up over a “philosopher” from Johns Hopkins University who’s touring collidge campuses to lecture about “the ethics of procreation” and convince students–almost as defenseless as your money–not to have children when they grow up, if they grow up (http://www.npr.org/2016/08/18/479349760/should-we-be-having-kids-in-the-age-of-climate-change).

The reason we shouldn’t have children–you’ve guessed it already–is Climbit Change. Yup. Says the ol’ philosopher, “Dangerous climate change is going to be happening by then (2036)” and we’re all gonna die as extras in the world’s biggest Mad Max movie. “Maybe we should protect our kids by not having them,” says he.

Oh! And no policies proposed by governments so far, he says, will solve the problem: much more “drastic cuts in carbon emissions are needed.” So you’d best all learn how to live like 12th century Ethiopian peasants, unless you’re one of the sages and leaders who have to rule the world. Then you can keep your air conditioners. And your private jets, limousines, yachts, and mansions. Philosopher-kings are entitled to these luxuries.

This comes on the heels of Australian temperature readings plummeting some 10 degrees just by removing the “smart cards” that “filter out” all the low temperatures that scientists don’t want to see. Out of sight, out of mind.

They just don’t stop, do they? They keep on trying to scare us into giving them gigantic new powers to control our lives and bigger and bigger gobbets of our money. But this is only what we should expect from leftid blowhards who declare there’s no such thing as objective truth.

If there’s anybody out there who thinks this spiel is not satanic–think again.


It Gets Cold When You Stop Cheating!

Image result for images of three-card monte game

This headline from The Australian quickly caught my eye:

“Temperature readings plunge after Australia Bureau of Meteorology orders end to ‘Tampering'” (http://www.cfact.org/2017/08/07/temperature-readings-plunge-after-australias-bureau-of-meteorology-orders-end-to-tampering/)

And suddenly it’s about 10 degrees (Centigrade) cooler in Australia.

Gee, why were the readings so high? Because “smart cards”–we’ve told you to beware of that word “smart” when certain people use it–“filter out the coldest readings.” Well, that would do it. The low temperature readings simply “vanish from the record.”

It’s sort of like deleting the outs from your batting average: always makes it go up.

Anyway… toldja, toldja, toldja so! It’s a fake, it’s a scam, it’s a hustle, it’s a power grab!

Really–how many times do these people have to be caught lying and cheating before the world catches on?


New Global Warming Threat! Your Pet

Image result for images of nice cats

Ooooh! First they came for our cars, then they came for our air conditioners, then they came for our freakin’ toilet paper–and now they’re coming for our pets. Save The Planet from cats and dogs!

According to “scientists” [sic.] at UCLA, “as the threat of Global Warming increases” [cue raspberry sound effect]… “environmentally-conscious pet owners may need to make some tough choices…” and ultimately make “a transition to pets that eat less meat,” instead of dogs and cats (https://patch.com/california/hollywood/fido-fluffy-are-hurting-environment-ucla-study-says).

Well, ever since the town said I couldn’t have a pet elephant…

Cats and dogs serve a positive purpose in the lives of humans. In fact, they serve any number of constructive purposes.

Has anybody calculated how much carbon dioxide, and sheer hot air, liberals and “scientists” belch into the atmosphere? Like, how much good does Debbie Wasserman Schultz actually do, compared to the good done by any cat or dog?

What do these benighted people want from us? What will we have to yield to them before their appetite for our liberties is satisfied? I mean, do they want us to switch over to, say, pet houseflies? Yeah, that would be about their speed. “Here, Buzzy, Buzzy! I’ve got some nice rotting filth for you!”

Science, education, journalism, government–all, all, all our institutions in a high-speed race to the bottom!

May Jesus Christ Our Lord defend us.


‘Let’s Plug Soldiers in to Computers…’

Image result for images of outer limits super soldier

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has put up $65 million to see if they can find a way to hook up people’s brains to computers (http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/news/darpa-computer-plug-in-brains-lost-vision-hearing-speech-restore-us-military-r-n-d-research-neural-a7835131.html). Five grants will be handed out to five assorted research bodies.

Oh, boy.

Now, I do hate conspiracy theories. But what we have here is a lot of talk about “developing an implantable system to provide precision communication between the brain and the digital world” and it’s going to have all these wonderful peachy-keen medical applications. We also get some muttering about using new technology to produce “super soldiers.” I’m sure The Outer Limits did an episode about that in the 1960s.

So here we go again, this time actually putting up money for it–the Smart Science dream of half-human, half-computer supermen.

And again, the thing is, we already know this is a very bad idea! “Colonel, I demand to know why my soldiers are marching backwards!” “Well, gee, General, we just plugged ’em into Lee’s computer.” “Confound it, Colonel! Yesterday you plugged them into Susan’s computer and they all forgot how to put their shoes on!” You can see the potential.

And it always comes wrapped up in a lovely promise of great strides in medicine, nobody gonna be sick no more, doo-dah…

The only silver lining on this cloud is that $65 million, in the scheme of things these days, won’t go very far. They’ll burn their way through that in a week.

And we know it’s a terrible idea. Every instinct cries against it.

Maybe, just for once, we ought to listen. God gave us those instincts for a reason.


Scary Martian Comes to ‘Life’

Image result for images of life science fiction movie

Hey, we saw a cool science fiction movie yesterday, a nice and scary one–Life, which we rented from amazon.

The ideology of unbelief dictates that life be found on other planets. Somehow that’s supposed to prove there is no God. You’d have to ask them how that works. Although I wouldn’t bother.

But if there were… this movie shows you what might happen.

“Oh, boy, Martian soil samples! Why, look at that–a little tiny organism… let’s see if we can wake it up…” Cue to Colin Clive in Frankenstein, screaming exultantly, “It’s alive! It’s alive!

Actually, messing around with alien organisms seems like it would be a very bad idea. Somebody on that space station should’ve read The Andromeda Strain. But they do screw around with it, they just can’t help themselves, they give it a cutesy-poo nickname–and of course it winds up loose, and sets about killing everybody there. It’s sort of a half-octopus, half-starfish that gets bigger and bigger and smarter and smarter with every victim it devours.

And everything goes wrong. They should’ve watched Jurassic Park before they left earth. All these carefully thought-out protocols and procedures, all the bright ideas of scientific whiz kids–well, the Martian monster doesn’t know and certainly doesn’t care about any of that.

I really didn’t notice who was in the cast. All the characters were too busy trying to stay alive, and had no time to devote to personal issues. I can say the film was well-acted, well-directed, fast-paced, and with a straightforward cinematography that didn’t make my wife seasick, watching it. A very effective study in suspense punctuated by frantic action.

Again and again the movies we make tell us that our science isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and warn us to proceed with caution. On some level, we know this!

And yet we never listen. It’s not Martian monsters that devour us, but bright ideas and clever societal innovations dreamed up by blockheads hailed as sages.

 


When an Old, Old Joke Becomes Reality

Image result for images of smart pills

Don’t you love it when that happens? A satire takes tangible form. A joke isn’t a joke anymore because it’s come to life.

“We want to make better humans,” gabbles the CEO of a company that manufactures and sells “cognitive supplements” (http://www.cnbc.com/2017/07/06/hvmn-wants-to-make-better-humans-through-biohacking.html). He calls it “biohacking,” with a view toward “cognitive enhancement.” The idea is that if you take his little pills, you’re gonna get smarter. And surely they can hook you up to a computer to give you regular boosts of real smartness.

Anyway, here’s the ancient joke they’ve brought to life:

Some ninny was sold a packet of rabbit droppings, having been told that they were pills that would boost his intelligence. The next day he came back to the vendor, hopping mad. “You %$#@%! You sold me rabbit turds!”

And the vendor smiled and said, “See, you’re getting smarter already!”

It is He that hath made us, and not we ourselves (Psalm 100:2). Boy, oh, boy, do modern pin-heads have a problem with that verse!


Our Pubic Beleaf sistum!

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Thare was a artickle on this hear blogg “a feiw” days aggo, it show yiu jist “how” stopid that dum lee is, he didnt larn not “a” Singal Thing wen he “was” In Collidge al them yeers aggo and aslo he has Forgot evrything he lernt!! He comed rihgjht out “and” addmits he dont know “the” diffrints betwine pryvet beleaf sistum and Our officile and Good Pubic Beleaf Sistum!

Some teecher in some Scool somwear she sayed to some Other teecher I “wil prey for yiu!” Can yiu beleave anyboddy she wuld Say somthing So stopid??? So she got In Trubble like she desarved and thay tole her yiu cant do no Intergreating pryvet beleaf sistim With “our” pubic beleaf sistum and That moreon lee he say he dont evven know Waht Our Pubic Beleaf Sistum it Is!!!

Wel yiu dumby let Me inlihgtin yiu! Hear is ore pubic Beleaf Sistum!

Thare istnt No god so yiu cant say Nothing abote no preying! And evrything in yuor stopid Cristinity it is wrong, wrong, Wrong!! And Sceince it is Reel and It “is”awlyays Rihghjt and Soon it wil “be” Aginst The Law if yiu deenye Climbit Change and say yiu Dont beleave in Evilutoin! And aslo Bortion and Gaye Marridge it Is “aslo” rihghjt and yiu Better Cellarbrate it Or Else!!

So that it Is our Pubic Beleaf Sistum and if yiu dont like It “yiu are” jist a idjit and a Hater and a Biggit! He aslo say he dont know Who thinked up Our Pubic Beleaf, well duhhh! It Is us Interllecturals, We thinked It up and we Are smartter than Ordrinary dum peple, thats Whye we al in Collidge!!

And yiu Better “get whith” The Programb boy or wen Hillery she “is” finly Pressadint yiu goin to Get “a” Jale sentints!! Ha Ha Ha!!!

P.S. my prefesser he “jist tole” me i shuld rite Publick and not Pubic but it dont Reely mater becose its jist “as” troe eether whay!


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