This Just In: Sex and Social Distancing

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Emboldened by the fact that he wasn’t dragged out of the governor’s mansion by an angry mob with torches, California Governor Gavin Noisome has issued another mandate–hot on the heels of his admonition to the public to keep their face masks on “in between bites” while eating.

“I almost forgot to mention that social distancing, six feet apart at least, must continue to be practiced by couples having sex,” he declared. “I realize this might be difficult for some, but where there’s a will, there’s a way! Step-ladders and flexible rubber tubing spring to mind.”

The governor added that his latest social distancing mandate “might go national” if Joe Biden is elected president.

“Remember,” he added, “we only control your lives because we know what’s best for you.”

 

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