The Future of the Present

Goldfish bowls cause fires! | Wilson Organisation

My friend Roscoe has given up peering into a jar of Miracle Whip for visions of the future. He now consults his cat, who has wedged herself–one might even say poured herself–into a goldfish bowl. This gives her the power to convey information about–this is how he says it–“the future of the present.”

His reports are not encouraging.

“Rioting will become the normal means of deciding public policy. New lockdowns will apply to everyone but criminals. Elected officials will have to be approved by China before they can take office. Voter fraud will be legalized. Christian church services will be subject to approval by the LGBTQ Tribunal.”

He sits back with a sigh. “Sheesh! I thought the Miracle Whip was bad. I don’t think I want to see the future anymore.”

I can only ask, “Who will be responsible for all these horrible developments?”

“Why, don’t you know?” he cries. “The smartest people in the world! And all for Social Justice!”

“Any chance your cat is wrong?”

“Naw–she keeps up with all the polls,” he says.


10 comments on “The Future of the Present

    1. Unless she and her fellow originalists are outvoted by the umpteen extra justices Biden’s handlers will be appointing to the Court.

      Things keep getting crazier by the minute. One township here has made all sidewalks one-way only. Yes, I said sidewalks. You can walk east (or north) only on one side of the street and west (or south) only on the other side of the street. This is supposedly to keep people from walking too close to each other and thereby infecting each other with quick-flying cooties as they pass. And, mind you, these aren’t Manhattan-like crowded streets. In fact, you seldom see more than one or two people walking on a single block at any time.

      “Whom the gods would destroy — or the Democrats enslave — they first drive mad.”

    2. There’s some semi-good news about the one-way sidewalks, but it’s cancelled out by the remaining insanity. The semi-good, according to an update issued by the township — probably after a lot of screaming from citizens, but who knows in this very blue township? — is that the one-way restrictions are meant only for Halloween trick-or-treaters. Unfortunately, the signs that were put all over the sidewalks don’t specify that. Besides, we’re still left with the idea that (a) you’ll catch cooties from anyone walking past you in the opposite direction, and (b) the government may regulate the direction in which people can walk on public sidewalks.

      I’m also not sure why we can catch cooties from someone passing us in the opposite direction but not from someone passing in the same direction.

    3. I haven’t been able to find this story yet–although I have found a town in Massachusetts, Beverley, which did the one-way sidewalk thing back in April..

    4. It’s Bexley, Ohio, actually a city rather than a “township,” but a city surrounded by a larger city that long ago grew around it. In fairness to this very blue city, they’ve allowed some restaurants to open for dining-in if they can keep people six feet apart from each other, place partitions between booths and/or tables if necessary, and have a dedicated staff member to disinfect tables between customers. However, their library remains closed except for curbside service — which means people have to call in to request a book, be notified when it’s available, and then come pick it up — which in turn means that the facility isn’t really a “library,” since patrons can’t see any books except the ones they happen to know enough about to request them.

    5. I haven’t been able to find anything on Bexley more recent than April, when they were babbling about banning “hate.”

      I dunno… seems to me there’s an awful lot to hate, these days.

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