The Wrong Kid on the School Board

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Chairman Mao County, Maryland, has a problem with its school board.

One of the eight board members is to be a public school student, aged 11 to 16, and all public school kids, 11-16, are allowed to vote for this board member–who, if elected, will get to vote on school district policies and expenditures, just like the adult members.

That was working just fine until the last election, when the wrong child got elected. The adult members got together yesterday for a secret meeting to discuss what to do about it: for 12-year-old Osgood Pennyworth just isn’t fitting in.

“It’s all that tomfool middle school principal’s fault!” groused Mr. Bolgani. ” He’s supposed to ensure that only the right kind of student runs for this office. How did Pennyworth slip past him? Was he drunk again?”

“Please, comrade!” said Ms. Dango. “How was he to know what kind of influence this wretched capitalist child’s parents would have on him? I told you we should’ve coughed up the money for those in-home surveillance cameras!”

Ms. Histah complained, “The child’s family is the problem–the parents are non-intersectional, cissexual, cisgender, non-inclusive Racists! I think from now on we have to separate the Youth Member from xer family for as long as xe sits on the board.”

“The problem is parents, period!” grumbled Mr. Tublat. “Get rid of the parents and you get rid of the problem. We’ve already separated the parents from their money. Now could we please get down to the business of separating them from their children? The family is an archaism! In the interests of pure education, it has to go!”

Far into the night ran the secret meeting. In the end, a proposal to “whack” young Osgood Pennyworth failed by one vote.

The board will meet again tomorrow.

8 comments on “The Wrong Kid on the School Board

  1. It’s hard to write satire nowadays, when the reality is so much crazier than anything normal people can dream up on their own.

    But as for the Chairman Mao County proposal to ban parents, why not take a leaf from the blue-state teachers’ unions and ban students instead?

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