AUG. 4, 2025 (ROTO-ROOTERS)
“Extraterrestrial cannibals have rights, too!” declares Moe Badger, the executive director of the American Crazy Loons Union. “We have to be more culturally sensitive!”
When UFOs from a galaxy far, far away landed in Barsoom County, Ohio, in 2022 and deposited extraterrestrial settlers there, “it was tacitly understood that they would obey America’s laws,” Prosecutor Finrod Skelter said. “But that’s not what’s been happening.”
News broke last week that the ETs have been abducting human beings and eating them. Cannibalism is against the law in Ohio; but for the ETs, it’s just an indispensable part of their culture. And it isn’t even really cannibalism, says the ACLU, “because these ETs ain’t human. Heck, it’s just like being eaten by a lion or a bear.”
The Ohio legislature moved quickly to propose legislation banning the practice, but Democrat legislators have opposed it and threatened to flee the state if the proposed law is not immediately scrapped.
“We have to be welcoming and affirming to all cultures, even if they come from other planets,” said State Senator Elvira Pincushion. “Who are we to order them to abandon their age-old customs? It’s part of their religion, and therefore a question of religious liberty.” She then went off to help draft a new mandate to shut down all Christian churches in Ohio until the environment is totally germ-free.
A spokes-something for the ETs (we can’t pronounce what they call themselves) said through an interpreter that any interference with their religious rituals would be racist.
“We will sue the pants off anyone who tries to persecute these innocent visitors from another world,” vowed Badger. “Go ahead–make my day!”