No More Cincinnati Bengals

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Well, football fans, another team name bites the dust! The Cincinnati Bengals… are no more.

Why did this name have to be changed? “Because there has never, ever been even one Bengali person on this team!” explained Bishwajit Banerjee, a former cricket star who had a brief but unsuccessful tryout with the team. At first the front office claimed it was his 5-foot-9-inch, 118-pound frame that kept him off the team; but according to Banerjee, “They went to pieces when I tried to explain to them how cricket is played.”

Another important factor in doing away with the team name, he said, “is cultural appropriation, pure and simple! They want us to think they are Bengalis. None of them has ever even been to Bengal! And as for that Bengal Tiger mascot–well, just how many Bengal tigers do they have in Cincinnati? No, no–the tiger belongs to Bengal, not Ohio! Let them use some of their own puny wildlife for a mascot! Cincinnati Pigeons! Cincinnati Squirrels!”

Club spokesbiped Warren Cthulhu admitted it’s going to be hard to choose a new team name that will please everybody. “So far the best we’ve been able to come up with is the Cincinnati So-and-Sos,” he said. “I guess we could go with that, although I don’t see how you put a picture of a so-and-so on our uniforms, scoreboard, and merchandise. Maybe we should just do without a name.”

“Cincinnati Houseflies” seems to be coming on strong, though…


2 comments on “No More Cincinnati Bengals

  1. The latest buzz among houseflies is that they’ll protest in clusters if the team name is culturally appropriated from them. If necessary, they’ll even peacefully protest on spectators’ hot dogs … assuming any spectators are allowed to be present … and allowed to remove their masks long enough to consume anything.

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