Constable Chumley’s Quest (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Pin by Zoe Z on totally judging books by their covers | Book parody, Book  humor, Romance novels

Violet Crepuscular introduces the pivotal Chapter CDLXXV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with another letter from a reader.

“I would like to introduce the pivotal Chapter CDLXXV of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with this here letter from a reader, a Mrs. Helen Popeye of Erythromycin, Ancient Greece,” she writes. Oh, Violet. “This here?” “Here is what she says.

“‘My Dear Ms. Crepuscular’–that’s me–‘I have been wondering what has become of my favorite character, Constable Chumley. Don’t tell me you’ve replaced him with that windbag, Donald Duck! Or whatever his name is. Holy cow, we don’t even know the constable’s first name!'”

Violet answers, “I can now reveal to you that Constable Chumley has gone under cover to pursue a dangerous and critical investigation of something-or-other. Let him explain it to the readers in his own words.

“‘Mon Geckle-esh me hearties voy calabash–alas, yin gubrick!'” And so on. The constable’s explanation is not a hit with most readers.

“As for his first name,” funambulates Ms. Crepuscular, “he has always been excruciatingly embarrassed by it–so much so, that he actually introduces himself as ‘Rocky’ when a social situation demands it. If he ever thought my 4 million readers were reading his first name, he would round up 12 Welsh bards to put a curse on me!”

Here the chapter ends abruptly–something to do with baking meat-and-toothpaste pies. The management takes no responsibility for the apparent collapse of Oy, Rodney‘s plot. We’re sure Ms. Crepuscular will be back to form in the next installment.


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