“With 500 chapters under our belts, we are entering a new era of Oy, Rodney,” proclaims Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense, introducing Chapter DI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Did I mention that it’s 500 chapters long? And still going forward!
“I can now reveal the purpose of having the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, so near to center stage throughout the exfoliation of the plot,” writes Ms. Crepuscular. Mr. Twombley thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad.
“You may remember, in Chapter 500, a rhinoceros was seen burrowing under the wading pool in the vicar’s back yard,” she says. “Most people would remember seeing that. And now that someone has… it falls on Twombley to lead a safari to hunt down the rhino and get rid of it.” It will be the first safari ever held in Scurveyshire.
But oh! I hear you gasp. (Well, all right, I don’t actually hear you. Must we split hairs?) What has become of Lord Jeremy Coldsore? Why isn’t he leading the hunt for the rhino?
Because he’s being held prisoner, a prisoner of love, by Constable Chumley’s mother, Thir Lanthelot the Lithping Knight. Really, it’s too grotesque for words.
“Padang!” exclaims Ms. Crepuscular. (“Padang?”) “It so happens that many older women in Scurveyshire succumb to the delusion that they are one of the Knights of the Round Table, waiting for King Arthur to turn them loose on the Saracens. The cure for this is indescribably painful and costs a fortune. A suit of used armor is a lot cheaper. I’m surprised none of you readers noticed it before!”
So much for the chapter.