We have finally received Chapter DXXXVI of Violent Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Nothing happens in this chapter. We must move on to Chapter DXXXVII.
You may recall that Lord Jeremy Coldsore, who is engaged to be married to Lady Margo Cargo, has suddenly fallen violently in love with some character whom he has named “Micropora” and who, if she existed today, might easily be mistaken for a plastic lawn ornament. This unsettles Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad: Lady Margo believes he and Lord Jeremy are the same person.
“This sort of thing happened all the time in the 1850s,” writes Ms. Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense. “You have to know about these things if you’re going to be queen of anything.”
Twombley attempts to revive Jeremy’s honor. “Look here, Germy!” he argues persuasively. “I need that marriage! I’m jist about flat busted, but Lady Margo’s the richest widow in all Scurveyshire. You can’t back out of it jist ’cause you fell for I dunno what! Folks’ll think you’re a snake in the grass.”
This cabilitates Lord Jeremy. “You’re right, old boy!” quoth he. “What kind of a cad would leave dear Lady Margo in the lurch? I challenge him to a duel! I will meet him on the field of honor, sabers at the ready!”
“Yes, yes, I know!” Ms. Crepuscular concludes. “He has challenged himself to a duel–and he dare not back out! And that’s what I call suspense!”
We can hardly wait to hear the rest of it.
Oy, vay. So let’s see…. Lady Margo Cargo thinks Willis Twombley and Lord Jeremy Coldsore are the same person, but Lord Jeremy thinks he’s two people. So now we have three people? or still two people? or, since the second Lord Jeremy is bowing out, only one person who’s really two people? But if Lord Jeremy 1 fatally wounds Lord Jeremy 2, how many Lord Jeremies (note how I did that plural) will be left … if any? This is indeed suspense of an arithmetic kind.
I take back any criticism of Violet. She is, indeed, the Queen of Suspense.