G’day, fellow TV lovers! Are you pumped up for another weekend of sublime entertainment? I’m Byron the Quokka, emcee on behalf of Quokka University; and here are a few of the jewels you’ll find in our TV treasure chest this week!
6:30 P.M. Ch. 53 COLLIDGE BOLE–Yore Fayvrit Kwizz Showe!
Grad students from the nation’s elite universities tackle brain-busting questions! “How much does a pound of feathers weight?” “Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?” “What were Walt Disney’s initials?” A right answer wins the lucky grad a tenured professorship in the subject of his choice!
6:44 P.M. Ch. 08 Judy Poyson’s Kitchen–Cookery, first aid
This show has really caught on in Scandinavia! Half the country’s death row inmates say they were inspired by it. Tonight: Japanese puffer-fish with picked-at-random-with-a-blindfold mushrooms. Viewer discretion is advised.
7 P.M. Ch. 14 PINHEADS ON PARADE–Sort of reality TV
If you’ve been feeling like a prize dimwit lately, this show will lift your spirits! You can’t possibly be as dumb as the dindles featured here! Tonight: BBC news reporter Humphrey Phung collapses into incoherent babbling as he completely blows an interview–$500 prize to anyone who can make sense out of his, er, “questions.” You won’t be surprised when the interviewee winds up asking all the questions.
Ch. 34 MOVIE–Musical with lousy music
Malcolm Muggeridge and Sylvester Stallone star as cops who dance their way to solving crimes in 50 Days of Penance With Brother Shoshketomayov (Icelandic, 1968: 385 minutes). “Music that makes you want to poke out your eardrums!” raved the critics. Notable for a cameo by Alfred Hitchcock, who otherwise had absolutely nothing to do with this movie. Theme song: “It Only Hurts When I Can’t Find My Undies.”
7:30 P.M. Ch. 03 THE FHAAGLNAWL FAMILY–Sitcom
You thought the Addams Family was weird? They are least were human! The Fhaaglnawls aren’t even pronounceable. They seem to be some kind of mollusc, distantly related to the octopus. Pop: Grynggwl Mom: Ugughluu Mrs. Schuppnagel: Unknown, but may be Debbie Reynolds. Tonight: The June Taylor Dancers prance into the family’s wine cellar… and don’t come out.
Ah! If you only knew what trouble we go to, to round up these otherwise lost TV classics. No wonder we never got around to setting up degree programs!
(No wonder rabbits like these carrots! Byron the Quokka, signing off.)