Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 30

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

It’s only Sept. 30 and you poor folks up in New Jersey are freezing your fritters off. G’day–or not! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of nefandous TV brought to you by Quokka University! Here’s a sample:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  TEACH YOUR DOG TO READ!–(It’s a scam)

Remember how upset people got when it was revealed that the dog wasn’t really reading? Hoo-boy! And the talking dog was just a front for a parakeet who could recite the Gettysburg Address. Host Richard Spumoni narrowly escaped a mob of angry pitchfork-wavers. Seems that “You Can Teach Your Dog to Read” instruction book was literally a steal–at $395.99.

Ch. 23  NEW YORK FLABBIES HAIRBALL–Live sports

The Flabbies take on the Minneapolis Tons O’ Fun at Warren G. Harding Field–and this time the Hairball is guaranteed not to fall apart and blow away. It always confuses the athletes when that happens. Play-by-play: Elizabeth Warren. Color commentary: Some guy with an octopus mask.

7:46 P.M.   Ch. 30  ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ NEWS–News & commentary

Some of us really like news anchors who keep saying “We told you this would happen!” No matter what it is, they saw it coming and now they can say “You should have listened to us! When are you blockheads going to listen to us!” Dan Rather came out of retirement to do this show! Sports: Jimmy Homunculus.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE–Tragicomedy with puppets

“The Golden City Full of Gold” (Serbo-Peruvian, 2001: 18 minutes) stars Freida Myce and Mr. Clean as explorers searching for a lost city inhabited by credulous maniacs. Contact with this civilization was lost when S&H Green Stamps went out of business! Professor Fondue: Henry Fonda. Kung-Fu Sally: Mary Tyler Moore. Whole army of maniacs: the June Taylor Dancers.

I don’t know how many times I’ve watched that “Golden City” movie. I still have a couple of books full of Green Stamps.

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 | Shutterstock

(I hope they’re home: my TV won’t work today.)

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 23

TV Guide 10-16 September 1966

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with TV like you won’t believe, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a slight sampling of this weekend’s offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 42  2008 MISS DUCK-BILL PAGEANT–Beauty contest

Judges Sandy Duncan and Toshiro Mifune try to decide which duck-billed platypus shall wear the crown! We have added exclamation points to stave off boredom! Intermission: the June Taylor Dancers done up as dancing duckbills!

Ch. 56   NEWS WITH NIGHT TERRORS–(To help you stay awake)

The Channel 56 News Crew, aka “the Body Bags,” have collected the most grisly, gruesome news stories and aimed them right at you: scare your pants off, no foolin’. You might never sleep again… once the Boyly Street Ear-Biting Strangler is spotted in your neighborhood. Anchor: Richard Simmons.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 06   BATTLESHIP BINGO–Game show, sort of

They laughed when Austria re-activated its legendary battleship, the ORS Scheiffenhausendonnerwetter, but they’re not laughing now: “Bingo On Board the ORS Scheiffenhausendonnervetter With Guns Blazing” is now the No. 1 hit show in EU countries that still have battleships! Host: Shamus Flannagan. Featured: Very large insects as hors d’oeuvres. (Spell that right and win your own battleship)

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Excursion into rare Kazakhstan folklore

We were lucky to get Yorgi and the Stinking Vampires (Kazakh-Indian, 1998: 716 minutes and 12 seconds): only 14 copies of it survive. Often praised as Olffy Watermelon’s directorial masterpiece, we all know the story of the nomad princess who wanted to be a charter boat captain but couldn’t, because of vampires. Col. Yevtukov: Jim Swink. Wise Woman: Sharleen Fong.

Well, that should be enough to get you started. It’s certainly enough for me.

93 Quokka Eating Leaf Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Nothing like a nice green leaf to get you through a movie! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 16

The Essential TV Guide Fall Preview Issues of the 80s, Part 6: 1979! |  Branded in the 80s

G’day! Wow, it’s Sept. 16–and you know what that means, so I don’t have to tell you, do I?

Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a mere sample of its wonderfulness!

6 P.M.  Ch. 09  THE MAN WITH A DOUBLE COCCYX–Crime drama

Smarty Jones stars as–wait, check that: Smarty Jones was a racehorse–I guess we don’t know who stars as private eye Mort DePort, the man with the double coccyx… which makes sitting down rather complicated. Tonight: Mort goes to court with the wrong sort of judge, we report [Enough already!]

Ch. 12  SHOWS THAT WERE TOO AWFUL TO AIR–Broadcast history

Tonight: “Manics!” paired Buddy Ebsen and Danny DeVito as State Dept. flunkies in love with the same store window mannequin (Heather Locklear). All the dialogue was in code and no one understood it. And no one wanted to.

6:14 P.M.  SPECIAL REPORT!–Breaking news

Mary Stupid reports on the Spanish Navy’s futile efforts to bombard Kazakhstan into submission. Live on the ground: Some guy they tricked into doing this. Extra: “Why Foam Rubber Bats Aren’t Right for Baseball.”

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 32  MOVIE–(We dare you to watch it!)

Pro Bowler Larry LaFong (Norman Rockwell) finds himself in hot water with the KGB in this Cold War comedy, Pardon My Three-Pin (Portuguese-Syrian, 1964: 566 minutes): he’s just made the entire Soviet bowling establishment look like a mass of floundering squid. (I think that may be a mixed metaphor.) Soliloquy, “Oh Bloody Hell!” by Richard Burton, with an Ameslan signer beside him, looking offended.

7 P.M.  Ch. 15  THE HUNGRY GAMES–Cooking show

Can Hunger Games author Suzanne Collins really cook–with one hand tied behind her back? The studio audience, having fasted for a month or two, is really, really hungry; and Ms. Collins has to feed them before they start setting up a lottery to see who gets killed and eaten. The June Taylor Dancers are on hand to encourage her: they’ll stop if she can ever get the food going.

Well, now, I’ll bet you’re raring to go! This stuff is so much better than regular TV.

The 'Happiest Animal in the World' May Not Be So Happy After All – Journal  of Zoology Blog

I wonder if this grass would make a good TV dinner.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 9

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV July 31st through August 6th, 1982

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here are a few samples.

6:05 P.M.  Ch. 02  SPECIAL: ONE OF OUR NINNIES IS MISSING

Where is Joe Collidge? Last seen taking a TikTok Challenge to gargle with Acme Linoleum Cleaner, he failed to show up yesterday for his weekly essay. Our Special Panel investigates! Panel members: Col. John D. Craig, Will and Ariel Durant, Phyllis Diller, and Pee Wee Herman. With the June Taylor Dancers.

6:15 P.M.  Ch. 18  COWBOY NEWS WITH BOB SZSIKSZID–News and commentary

Cowboy City, which flourished in Hungary in 1886, has become the subject of a frantic search by frantic archaeologists. Plus sports with Elvin the Squirrel, a middle school staffed by fired police officers, and a new way of singing with one’s mouth full of Good & Plenty candy.

7 P.M.   Ch. 22  MOVIE–“The Tammy Movie That They Couldn’t Show’

We had a tough time getting this! Irene “Granny” Ryan has the title role in Tammy and the Impolite Zombies (Dutch, 1961: 476 minutes), with an all-star cast you never heard of. Can the sprightly young maiden drive hideous zombies out of her local sub shop? Mr. Beezer: Alan Alda. Maniacal Zombie chief: Andy Devine. Song: “I Can’t Find My Coccyx with Both Hands.”

Ch. 37  IVY LEAGUE HEAD-BUTTING–(It’s supposed to be a sport)

Join host Vlad “the Impaler” McKool as teams from Harvard and Columbia Universities square off to see who has the hardest heads! (The exclamation mark makes it exciting!) Winning team gets to dump its whole stock of Bud Lite. Consolation Prize: a month’s supply of out-of-date Acme Turtle Food.

Well, that should be enough to get you going. I never thought Irene Ryan could play Tammy… and I guess I was right.

Is the Quokka a Real Animal? | Snopes.com

We’re all getting together for a TV party at Jack’s Scuba Shop!

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 26

TV Guide Magazine | Southern California Edition Listings for… | Flickr

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with the TV programs no one else in the world can offer! Here, take a sample of this weekend’s menu.

8 P.M.  Ch. 09   TRAIN YOUR PET GILA MONSTER!–(It’s just what it sounds like)

Jim “Stumpy” Patterson takes you through his patented ways of dealing with a disagreeable lizard with a very powerful–and poisonous!–bite.  This week: “Can your fingers be sewed back on?”

Ch. 14   THE SCHMENDRICKSONS–Sitcom

Corky (Abdul al-Hazred) wants to enter the soapbox derby, but Granddad (Artie Shaw) needs the soap boxes to conceal his crimes. Moderator: Ruth Buzzi. Usher: Roderick Usher, from the House of Usher.

8:15 P.M.   Ch. 32  MOVIE–Drama about a bald guy with hair

William Shatner plays a lovestruck Turkish poet in 19th-century Dayton, Ohio, in “The Legend of the Lovestruck Poet” (Japanese-Jamaican, 1974: 16 minutes). Cast of thousands includes Charlton Heston, Ethel Merman, Jane Fonda, and Hector Blah. Watch out for Francis Bacon’s cameo!

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 26   I WED THWEE WIVES–Drama

Soupy Sales stars as Einar Skjatisifusson, Iceland’s most notorious bigamist, for whom three wives (Lynda Carter, Heather Locklear, Candice Bergen) were never quite enough. How many more can he marry before it catches up to him? Alfred Hitchcock and Elmer Bernstein sued each other over which of them would direct this film. Hitchcock won; Bernstein directed it.

Whew! What great TV shows! I read this list to Aunt Feezy and she fainted in her tracks!

Two marsupial quokkas on the back porch of a house in ...

Here she is, though, so I guess she’ll be all right. Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 19

RetroNewsNow on Twitter: "📺 'Friends' DEBUT (TV Guide, September 22, 1994)  https://t.co/XRHQEQX1x3" / X

Calloo, callay, O frabjous day! Byron the Quokka here–and we’ve got a new show, brand-new: the U.N. is lending it to us, for free! Get a load of this:

8 P.M.   Ch. 08   SMARTY McSMART–News & sitcom

This is the show that has it all! Smart phones, smart refrigerators, smart cars, every smart thing you’ve heard of–Smarty McSmart has it in his smart house. And best of all, each and every one of these devices is designed and programmed to watch you and your family very closely! Just in case you make a little slip, heh-heh. This week: Smarty’s teenage daughter Smarteena (Maggie Oog) gets caught saying a Bad Thing about The Party–so it’s off to Camp Smart-O-Rama to get her mind made right. Mom McSmarty: Tim Conway.

Sounds irresistible! And here are some more selections from the menu.

7:48 P.M.  Ch. 11  FAMOUS CELEBRITIES–Game show

The show that has no interest at all in celebrities who aren’t famous and heck, you never heard of ’em–We love you, celebrities! We worship you! Host: Yersinia Pestis. Tonight’s star-studded lineup includes Gary LaFong, Magenta Smidgin, Dorothy Opplethwaite, and (of course!) Mitch Krnsich!

8 P.M.  Ch. 03   INDICT ‘EM ALL–News & pubic affairs

Public figures will think twice about running for office, if they wind up on trial if they lose! Originally a hit Public TV show in Idi Amin’s Uganda, Indict ‘Em All has also been popular in China, Cuba, North Korea, and the UK. Host: No one knows, there’s a mask and a voice distorter in play.

Ch. 14   MOVIE–Incredibly terrifying drama

In “Who’s Killing Off the June Taylor Dancers” (Canadian-Egyptian, 2008: 746 minutes), an unknown killer is picking off the June Taylor Dancers (played by themselves, some of them with walkers) one by one… even as a hypertrophied coccyx pandemic sweeps across Iceland. Can a known killer (Arnold Stang) solve the case where the incompetent police have failed? Queen Maud: Cyndy Lauper.

Whew! Almost too much to take in! I’d better go line up my snacks.

92 Quokka Eating Leaf Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Byron the Quokka, signing off! Enjoy your TV shows with tasty leaves!

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 12

multiple image galleries

G’day! Byron the Quokka here. Y’know, some folks have been sayin’ that our TV is just more of the same old schlock you can find anywhere. Hah! Here are a few samples of this weekend’s offerings: see for yourself!

8 P.M.  Ch. 12   TRINKLEMAN, B.S.P.D.–Crime Drama

Jasper Trinkleman (the guy who played The Squid in Squishy) thinks he’s a police detective who can arrest anyone he wants. Lucky for him he has a friend who thinks he’s a judge (Don Wilson) and can jail anyone he wants. This week: real police grow impatient. Lt. Absinthe: Heather Locklear.

Ch. 14   NEWS WITH SHREWS–Indescribable

What happens when you take the classic horror movie, “Attack of the Giant Shrews,” and use it as the template for an up-to-the-minute news show? Co-anchors Dan Rather and Mr. Magoo find out the hard way. Note: No shrews were hurt in filming this episode, but half a dozen humans were very badly bitten. Sports: The Very Large Mermaid.

8:20 P.M.  Ch. 20   MOVIE–Occult Baseball Drama

Very loosely based on the career of Alvin “Mud Pie” Jones, Bloodthirsty Haints in the Outfield (Serbo-Malaysian, 1988: 13 minutes) stars Fernando Lamas as the legendary one-legged centerfielder and Brigitte Bardot as his doting aunt. To save money on film, the actors talk real fast.

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 62  DANCE FEVER, FOR REAL–Medical game show

Can the June Taylor Dancers succeed where every doctor, every medicine, every therapy has failed? “Let’s find out!” says host Nehemiah Persoff. Patients on portable beds experience the June Taylor Dancers dancing all around their cots to cure hair loss, lumbago, burpiness, and wobbly coccyx. Featured: silent music by the Main Street Mimes.

Still think these shows are schlock? I’ve seen Bloodthirsty Haints in the Outfield 14 times and I still don’t know who Mud Pie Jones was!

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka, signing off. So there!

Byron’s TV Listings (Aug. 5)

TV Guide October 31-Nov 6 1981 (1) - Flashbak

Greetings, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV, guaranteed to break out into euphoria. Here’s a sample of our menu:

2:37 P.M.  Ch. 86  MOVIE–Drama like you wouldn’t believe

What if Hamlet (Don Wilson), instead of being Prince of Denmark, was a Wall Street trader with a dodgy coccyx? In “Float My Boat, Forsooth,” (Russian, with Flemish subtitles, 1977, 455 minutes) Hamlet and Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone’s barber) team up to cheat the IRS–which they think stands for the Icelandic Rug Society. Dr. Spinach: Mary Worth.

2:45 P.M.  Ch. 08   BASEBALL: YANKEES vs. LUNATICS–Sports

Join Otto Hackengnauer and Kaluma Ha’ayona in the broadcast booth for this New York City baseball showdown! Can barking-at-the-moon nut-cases defeat a team of overpriced free agents who’ve seen better days… a long time ago? Pre-game show: Man being chased by spiders.

3 P.M.  Ch. 14   THE DANGEROUS MACHINERY GAME–Game show

What happens when you mix nervous, even terrified contestants with heavy machinery that might not be safe to use? Pure mayhem, pure fun! Join host Jane Lizard and the June Taylor Dancers as they cart off the wounded. Featured: Oskar the Human Sausage and his band, The Grifters.

Ch. 33  LEAVE IT TO SMEDLY–Unwholesome sitcom

When a family of skinwalkers move into Amunhotep Township, New Jersey, younger son Smedly (Jimmy Putin) puts everyone at risk by changing into a monster halfway through his 5th grade Social Studies class. Ms. Hogment (Maggie Smith). Little girl who’s worse than a skinwalker: Name Withheld.

4 P.M.  Ch. 60   NEWS WITH UNCLE GESUNT–News, sort of

Now the popular kids’ show host anchors his own news show! Pitched to three-year-olds, Uncle Gesunt uses baby-talk to report appalling news from all over the world! And also lots of exclamation points! Special feature for adults: Mizz Debbie’s Happy Drinks!

I’m sure those are enough to get you started. I don’t know about you, but those skinwalkers crack me up. They wouldn’t last ten minutes in our Outback.

Is the Quokka a Real Animal? | Snopes.com

Say hello to my cousins, Omar and Lucy–big fans of “Dangerous Machinery”!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 29

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1970

G’day, fellow TV connasoors! (Betcha didn’t think I could spell that.) Welcome to another weekend of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka… with some samples from our menu.

7 P.M.  Ch. 02   PUPPET NEWS–News & commentary

If you always thought the nightly news would be much more entertaining if it was done by puppets instead of people, this here is the news show for you! It’s the show that made Draco the Mosquito a star. Anchors: Juppy the Rug Monster and Ms. Flyne with the enormous floppy ears.

Ch. 10  FIND THE ANTIDOTE!–Highly dangerous game show

What kind of risk would you take to earn $35, tax-free? Join host Claude “Down On His Luck” Akins and the June Taylor Dancers as frantic contestants try to find the antidote before they get really sick! Special guest: William Saroyan.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 14  THE BIZARRE COUPLE–Sitcom, with stoic overtones

Can a meter reader who thinks he’s a starfish share an apartment with a man who really is a starfish but thinks he’s a meter reader? Ronnie: Some guy we hired off the street. Lonnie: William Conrad. Bonnie: Patti Play-Pal.

8 P.M.  Ch. 27  SEYONG YOI, U.S. MARSHAL–Eastern Western

Lou Albano stars as Marshal Yoi in this first-ever Korean Western, shot entirely on location in Paterson, New Jersey. This week: Mayor Park Chan Chai (Alan Alda) and rancher Jee Ring Yo (Sandra Dee) get held for ransom by the Manchus. Big Manchu with chip on his shoulder: Peter Falk.

Ch. 43  MOVIE–Incredible work of exculpatory art

In “Oops, Comrade, My Bad!” (Soviet Union, 1994 [they didn’t know it collapsed 3 years earlier, they were so busy making this movie]), an American rock star (Lawrence Welk [don’t ask]) takes over the city of Yakutsk and gives crazy pills to the chief of the Secret Police (Tony Dow). As usual, The Party triumphs over all obstacles… except the real ones. Mrs. O’Hoolihan: Hana Mandlikova.

That ought to whet your appetite, eh! Honest, folks, I watched all of these and am a better quokka for it.

How Quokkas Selfies Help Their Population Bounce Back

Here’s me with this nice guy who sold me a time share!

 

Byron’s TV Listings (Guaranteed Funny!), July 22

TV Guide 10-16 September 1966

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with more fabulous TV rescued from oblivion by Quokka University! (Don’t ask me how they do that!) Here’s just a small token of the transcendant viewing pleasure awaiting you this weekend:

7 P.M.  Ch. 03  ASTOUNDING AMAZING DISCOVERIES–Science

Host Soupy Sales interviews Professor Sven Gilhooley, who claims to have discovered a Neanderthal joke book written in Yiddish, dating back to 349,000 B.C. What’s the oldest joke in the world? Tune in and find out!

Ch. 14   THE FAILED FISHERMAN–Sports reality show

Joaquin Splatt is world-famous as the fisherman who never catches anything. No matter how bad you are, you’re better than he is! Tonight: Joaquin hooks himself in the thumb and winds up with his pants down–on a crowded fishing pier. Highly embarrassing! Commentary: Julia Child.

7:30 P.M.  INSANELY ENTHUSIASTIC NEWS–News & commentary

Anchormen and women dance on their desktops as they report news that doesn’t affect anyone else that way–but here it’s an occasion. Every item is met with extravagant rejoicing! Special tonight: Reporter Hans Dollop is run over by a truck while standing on his head on the freeway to celebrate Cleopatra’s birthday.

Ch. 62   KAMIKAZE SHOPPING–Game show

How fast do you dare to push your shopping cart down the dairy lane? How about playing “chicken” among the ladies’ footwear? And then comes the paintball in the aisles with the canned goods! Host: Some guy on drugs. Special obstacle: The June Taylor Dancers (hit one with your cart, and they get to kick you).

8 P.M.  Ch. 34  MOVIE–(Not what you expected!)

In A Boy’s Own Volcano (Serbo-Haitian, 1997: 462 minutes), two rambunctious teens (Basil Rathbone, Phyllis Diller) explore a volcanic tube that the natives of a New Jersey town say leads to another dimension full of gargoyles. Dr. Bogoff: Eugene Levy. Lady Gesundheit: (She wears a mask, so we don’t know who it is.) Song: Kaboom! Goes My Coccyx.

Well, folks, you can’t say there’s anyone else who brings you television like that!

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 | Shutterstock

Let me in! It’s time for “Kamikaze Shopper”!