Tag: Byron’s TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 9 REPRINT

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TV Guide November 17, 1977 C. Ohio 6 a.m.-3 p.m. (thanks to ...

From August 9, 2025

 

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, filling in for the big guy, who is still hors de combat. (Who says Australian marsupials can’t speak French? Hah!) Anyway, here are three shows I scraped up from the pavement for you. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Saturday

7:07 p.m.   Ch. 57   CHAINSAW CHARLIE–Do It Yourself

Lonesome Charlie Gromm comes to you live from the woodworking shop at Clydesdale Prison, where he’s serving a 75-year-sentence for Not Being a Liberal–but the show must go on! This week: Charlie turns his chainsaw skills to soap carving. Really, it’s amazing, what Warden Pong lets him get up to!

8:16 p.m.   Ch. 14  THE SCHMENDRICKS–Award-winning sitcom

Dennis and his family like to live dangerously! This week: Mrs. S (some idiot who has blackmailed the producer) takes up breaking and entering as a pastime. Can hubby Carlo make her stop before she lands the whole family in the hoosegow? Allie Schmendrick: Ellen Mellon.

Sunday

12:45 p.m.   Ch. 26   MAJOR LEAGUE SCRUNCHING–Extreme low-brow sports

The Hackensack Pinch-Bug Larvae take on the Enraged Feminists, live from the Paramus Landfill in New Jersey. (Rosters unavailable at this time.) Hackensack left cobbler Perry Mingler last week set a new world’s record for ogling. EF star Punchy Gross has vowed to “take it out of his male chauvinist hide.”

All right, that’s that, I’m out of steam.

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Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 24) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

From April 24, 2021

Tally-ho, and away we go! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s Quokka University TV listings. We show the stuff that none of the networks dared to show, back when. But we have to admit we don’t have sponsors like Gro-Pup. We do have Go-Gro Crayfish Food, but their advertising budget won’t grow anything bigger than a crayfish.

Anyway, here are a few samples of fantastically wonderful TV for your weekend. Just don’t tell anybody where you got it.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  GIRDLES GALORE–Fashion

You’ll never again have to ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Because you’ll have a Hollywood Girdle on under it! Hosts: Boris Karloff, Ayn Rand. With Gene Woodling’s Xylophone Orchestra.

Ch. 06  SPORTS NOBODY CARES ABOUT–Interviews

Howard Cosell interviews athletes who play sports you never heard of–Papuan egg-swallowing, speed crocheting from Estonia, 43-man Squamish, wheel barrow-throwing from the most isolated regions of Spain, and many others. Nominated for a Broken Coccyx Award!

Ch. 14  SHOOT ‘EM ALL!–Western

Sheriff Grendel (Alan Alda) recovers from having a load of bricks dumped on his head, but has now become a serial killer out for revenge–against whom, he doesn’t know. It’s up to shy schoolmarm Pam Spam (Joan Rivers) and plucky Deputy Horace Dawg (an animated root vegetable) to stop him. Toby: Steve Reeves  Mayor Motormouth: Nick Cravat

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 42  UNDERWATER BALLET NEWS–News

Anchor David Pong reports from underwater at Weeki Wachee while the famous Mermaids cavort all around him. Be sure to send away for the Bubble-Meister, or you won’t be able to understand a word David says–remember, he’s sitting underwater and it makes him sound funny.

8:01 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Romance/Adventure

“The Lost City of Almost-Naked Women” (1970) finds the Bowery Boys exploring a lost city deep in the heart of Brooklyn. This was the first and last movie directed by Sen. Walter Mondale. Huntz Hall, Leo Gorcey.  Prof. Peedle: Arnold Stang  Dr. Von Schussnig: Zsa Zsa Gabor  Featuring the Bil Baird Puppets.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started! And please let us know if you actually get a Bubble-Meister after you send away for one.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 17) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

From April 17, 2021

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

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What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

 

From April 3, 2021

G’day! Coming to you from somewhere on Rottnest Island, another weekend of spectacular TV! Just don’t ask us where we get it…

10:23 P.M.  Ch. 22  NEWS with The Three Stooges

Moe, Larry, and Curly deliver news, weather, pokes in the eye, and nyuk-nyuk-nyuks. Special guest: Bertrand Russell

10:30 P.M.  Ch. 31  ROUTE 216–Picaresque Cautionary Tale

Buzz and Fuzz finally manage to push their ancient Corvette past the 25-mph mark–and break into a parallel universe where socialism really works–for gigantic man-sized insects with a thirst for blood and fritters. Buzz: Pinky Lee   Fuzz: Bruno Sammartino  Big Bug: Prince Charles

27   Movie–Philosophical Reflections

“Momma Was a Crackerball!” (1997) The incredibly aged Bowery Boys have only two days to pull off a heist at Louie’s Soda Shop before a Bela Lugosi look-alike comes to collect their souls. Leo Gorcy, Huntz Hall. Lugosi Look-Alike: Dick Cavett. Old Man: Al Jolson.

18  SURVIVAL BOWLING

Can the celebrity contestants knock all the pins over before they release a noxious gas? Tonight’s guest bowlers: Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Una O’Connor, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Host: Tim McCarver. With Al Gore and his orchestra.

10:36 P.M.  Ch 44   OUR MISS FANGS–Situation Comedy

Wally Jumblatt (Soupy Sales) and his friends at Foogoo County Night School have to pass Miss Pikestaff’s course in Transylvanian Literature while avoiding her fangs–for this teacher is a vampire! Miss Pikestaff: Anne Blyth.  Pencilhead: Robert Young. Mr. Shotglass, the Principle: a medium-sized pumpkin.

Well, that’s that! We hope we have livened up your weekend.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 13 REPRINT

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TV Guide, August 11th 1991. Featuring an ad for the new Fox TV show 'Parker Lewis Can't Lose'! : r/90s

From May 13, 2023

Greetings and g’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s fabulous TV shows brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a wee sample of what we’ve rounded up for you!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SAPS!–Reality TV

Sometimes TV is so predictable! The TV detective always catches the bad guy, the TV doctor always saves the patient… But here’s the one show dedicated to those poor saps who never get it right! Tonight: Architect Barney Bock, whose entire subdivision fell into a sink-hole; and folk singer Nancy Hastur, now being sued for damages incurred when 1,000 panicked fans tried to flee her concert all at once. Host: Edsel Ford.

Ch. 19   Very Angry Hopping Mad News–News & commentary

Anchorman Mike Lava flies off the handle–he’s been known to bite studio staff–every time they air a news story… which is kind of unavoidable, this being a news program. Weatherwoman Jane Boombox screeches in a berserk rage at every symbol on her weather map. Really, no one here has the slightest notion of how to behave.

8 P.M.  Ch. 42  MY FRIEND FOOGIE–Horror/Sitcom

They think Little Eddie (Pat Buttram) has an imaginary friend, but Foogie the Invisible Vampire (Herbert S. Zim) is all too real! Tonight: Foogie preys on the June Taylor Dancers and polishes off three of them before Eddie puts his foot down. Community Organizer: Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Good news: Foogie gets her, too.

Ch. 57   MOVIE–Western with philosophical overtones

If you ever thought Gene Autry couldn’t match Plato dialogue for dialogue, think again! In Buckaroo Behemoth (Sicilian, 1966, with West German music score; 344 minutes), cowboys wander the Great Plains, pausing only to discuss deep intricacies of philosophy. Slim: Sir John Gielgud. Tex: Soupy Sales. Ma Fanabla: Marjorie Main.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started on a weekend bacchanal of TV-watching!

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Hurry, or there’ll be no popcorn left! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 10 REPRINT

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 12th through 18th, 1977

From June 10, 2023

 

G’day, G’day–and what is so rare as a day in June? And I’m Byron the Quokka, with the answer: some of these long-lost TV shows are even rarer! But we’ve rescued a bunch of them, just for you. For example:

3:56 P.M.   Ch. 08  NEWS IN A HURRY–News & commentary

It’s the same news you get at 6 o’clock, only they get it all done in just four minutes. Ideal for the viewer who wants to get the news but has’t got half an hour to devote to it. The tape is speeded up, so be prepared to listen fast! Anchor: Irwin Corey.

4 P.M.   Ch. 10  YOU CAN FLOSTICATE!–Educational (sort of)

Little-known outside of pro baseball, Arnold Kopplo was the uncrowned King of the Flosticators. Nothing else could have kept him going through 10 years of hitting under .200 and getting booed and assaulted by fans. Now his flostication secrets can be known! Host: Rusty Gates. Medium: Madame Mabel Sweeny.

Ch. 14   DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS–Pretentious twaddle

Dr. Frank Nodule, Last Chance University, tackles a thorny proposition: “Every person has the right to be served by servants and it should be government policy to see that this is so.” Voice of Opposition: A sane person drafted off the street. Panel of Judges: the June Taylor Dancers. (“Who will serve the servants’ servants?”)

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 29   MOVIE–Musical, uh… comedy

In Hold That Coccyx! (Ethiopian, 1954), Bob Hope and Max Von Sydow are chased through Foki Forest by Ethiopian bandits led by Hugh Beaumont. Music by Chiang Kai-shek and his orchestra. Hit song (Hope and Sydow), “Aaagh, It Only Hurts When I Sit Down!” Directed by Joe Garagiola.

Ch. 44   THE COODY FAMILY–Sitcom with tragic overtones

The only tragedy is that this bomb got made in the first place! This week: Jimmy Skull-Splitter (Dick Cavett) tries to muscle his way into an Icelandic saga; but only Aunt Club Moss (Jane Austen) can tell him how to find his way out of the house. Captain Ahab: Gregory Peck. Smiling Clump of Broccoli: Emma Bovary.

Well, folks, is that great programming, or what!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 15 REPRINT FROM 2021

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th, 1979

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, hosting your weekend TV festival brought to you by Quokka University, Region AA2 Pick-up Stix champions! Here’s a little sample of what we’ve got lined up for you this weekend:

5 P.M.  Ch. 08  IT AIN’T YOUR DAY–Game show

If you thought Queen For a Day was total trash, wait’ll you see this! One of the guests is a pathological liar; the others are the tragic victims of horrible fates. Can the celebrity panel pick out the phony? If they can’t, we shoot Chuck Connors! Host: Chief Justice Earl Warren. With Turok Son of Stone and his Orchestra of Honkers.

Ch. 14  MY GUN HAS FEELINGS, TOO!–Western

Edgar Buchanan stars as wandering gunslinger Francis X. Sapirstein… who sings his gun to sleep each night and talks to it all day. This week: The Shoggoth Gang (the June Taylor Dancers) put a price on Francis’ head–$3.98–and then try to collect it themselves! Sheriff Lugnuts: Maurice Chevalier.

5:22 P.M.  Ch. 22  GARGLING NEWS–Indescribable

Can you announce the world’s news and gargle at the same time? Anchorwoman Ginger Foogu can! Well, all right, nobody can make head nor tails of what she’s saying–and the commentary by Karl “Chainsaw” Mulligan doesn’t help. But you can always read the newspaper while you’re watching!

6 P.M.  Ch. 43  MOVIE–Jungle adventure

“Vampire of The Lost World” (Mexican, 1963) features Steve Reeves look-alike Jorge Meniscus [Editor: We don’t believe he looks like Steve Reeves] leads an expedition of school children and maniacs into the depths of the New Jersey Pine Barrens in search of a lost city full of vampires–stealthily stalked every step of the way by a Soviet super-spy (Dan Blocker).

6:20 P.M.  Ch. 64  THE BOOGALOOS–Sitcom/Philosophical reflections

Poppa Boogaloo (Carl Sagan) goes into hysterics when he can’t find his lucky tie-clip… and the family’s afraid to tell him that Joody (Donna Reed) is dating a man who sneaks up on people and scares them. Momma: Heather Locklear. Soopy: Dr. Phil. Man Who Sneaks Up on People and Scares Them: Lorne Greene.

Okay, that’s it for free samples! If you want any more, you have to watch it on your TV set.

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, May 8 2021 REPRINT

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Vintage 1960 Tv Listings Related Keywords & Suggestions - Vintage ... | Keyword suggestion, Tv guide listings, Tv guide

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where we get it!

Without any further ado–we’re just about out of ado, anyhow–here’s a sample.

8:06 A.M.  Ch. 2  GUMBY’S STOCK MARKET TIPS

You won’t get rich, but you might get entertained. What the heck, it’s only money. Let Gumby and Poky show you how to invest it.

8:08   Ch. 3   WANTED FOR FRAUD: GUMBY

Anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of Gumby, please contact the Channel 3 Fraud Squad. $15 reward!

8:15   Ch. 5   CROCKED NEWSTALK–News and Commentary

You have to be noticeably intoxicated before they let you join this panel. Tonight’s celebrity drunkard: Big-game hunter Hap “Oops!” Chandler. Tonight’s topic: “String Theory: Who ****ing Gives a ****?” With Xi Jin Ping and his orchestra.

9 A.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Waste of time

“Hamlet Prince of Denmark, Michigan” (2002)  Re-adaptation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet in modern dress and setting, with Hamlet as the son trying to inherit a shoe store after his father is murdered by Brownies. Hamlet: Alec Guinness. Father’s Ghost: Ben Dover. Ophelia: Zsa Zsa Gabor. Polonius: the Bowery Boys. With Henny Youngman’s Joke Machine.

Ch. 32   MY MOTHER THE GUNSLINGER–Western

While a rogue shark picks off Dodge City’s innocent swimmers, Sheriff Flimsy (John Gielgud) must ask Ma (Shari Lewis) to buckle on her guns again to deal with a mysterious stranger who shoots everybody. Dusty the Dog: James Whitmore. Sid the Horse: Alva Toffler  Mary Ellen the Beetle: Linda Hunt.

Well, there you have it–just a taste of what awaits you when you tune into Quokka UTV.

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Welcome to another weekend of Quokka University TV, live from Rottnest Island. I’m your host, Byron the Quokka. We always show a TV Guide page to get you cranked up for our offerings. I do wish I could watch Make That Spare, from the Paramus NJ Bowling Center–and Prehistoric Women! Uncle Shinbone thinks it might be the best movie ever made.

Well, here are some of our listings. Sit back with a handful of nice chewy leaves, and enjoy it!

8:14 P.M.   08, 09  HOWLER MONKEYS (Nature). A glorious 28 minutes of Costa Rican howler monkeys screeching at the cameraman, the late Ivan Pitfall.

8:15  11  Barney Dottle, Police Defective (Crime Drama) Barney thinks he’s hot on the trail of a desperate gang of armed robbers, but his continual misinterpretation of clues leads him to arrest the attendees of a PTA meeting. Barney: Jack Palance. Mrs. Dogless: The Lennon Sisters.

12  Movie–Classic Tragedy

“The Naked and the Clothed” (1957) The Bowery Boys are caught napping when Nikita Khrushchev, posing as just another neighborhood character, tricks them into revealing America’s funniest military secrets. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Khrushchev: Himself. Timon of Athens: Tim McCarver.

13  Battle of the Brains–Public Affairs

Pinky Lee hosts a debate between former U.S. Senator Biff Boff and Rep. Rosie Hejaz on the topic, “Should prayer be allowed in churches?” With Willie Sutton and his orchestra, and the June Taylor Dancers.

8:32 P.M.   03  Bowling For Dear Life–Sports/Drama

If you really need that medicine, you’d better bowl a strike! Up for grabs tonight: life-saving medicine, parole from Chateau D’If Prison, ownership of a home, graduation from law school, and other goodies. Join host Willis Twombley  as he reminds the contestants, “No pressure!”

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Some readers have complained that they can’t trust these TV listings unless my picture is published with them. So that’s me, right up there–and it’s TV time!

We Admit It’s a Mess

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quokka (setonix brachyurus) rottnest island, perth, western australia - quokka stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images

G’day, boys’n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and what a mess it is. We’re not gonna get out of this weekend, are we?

Blimey!  No Joe Collidge. No  Oy, Rodney. And (oh the horror of it!) no Byron’s TV listings! How are you supposed to make it through the weekend without TV listings? Like, what is this–Russia?

The boss is sick. It’s like any minute now his poop is gonna pop. A word to the wise: keep your distance.

Maybe we can come back in the middle of the week. Can’t blame a chap for trying.