Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 13

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

G’day, g’day! Time for weekend TV from Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka, and oh! oh! oh, the shows we have lined up for you! Someday you’ll thank us (we take checks). Here’s a sample of our menu:

7:48 P.M.  Ch. 08  BACKWARDS NEWS–News game

Can you untangle the news–when you’ve only heard it backwards, and in a foreign language? Join hostess Bimbi Hoople as celebrity guests Chuck Connors and Erica Jong try to decipher this gibberish–and the studio audience can’t go home until they do it! Watch those tempers burn like fuses!

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  THE McGUFFIN GROUP–Current events

Some of the most ignorant people in Los Angeles, lured into the studio by promises of–well, we don’t want to get into that–debate key social and political issues which they never heard of until just now. “Best in Show” gets an anchor’s job at CNN! Host: Jimmy Fraud. Color Commentary: An old wind-up bank that wheezes “Heh-heh-hee, a penny saved is a penny earned!”

Ch. 15  SHOOT IF YOU MUST–Wartime drama/Science fiction

Sgt. Twinkle (Cat Stevens) and his Howling Commandos are secretly transported to the planet Winky to battle an out-of-control bartender (Red Buttons). Pvt. Sunshine: Jesse Ventura. Grannie: Irene Ryan. Featured song, “Thom McCann Has Enviable Shoes For Your Feet.”

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 33  HOOK, LINE, AND SINK HER–Fishing

Never mind about baiting the hooks! Can Sunfish “Ed” Fong get all the June Taylor Dancers into his rowboat? And once he does, will they keep dancing? Meanwhile we’re supposed to be learning how to fish for compliments…

9 P.M.  Ch. 57  MOVIE–Greek mythology/Crime drama

Inspired by the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Hercules Goes to New York, “Dog My Cats” (Chilean, 1994; 6 hours) pits hard-boiled private eye Sammy Egg (Cesar Geronimo) against a syndicate of ancient Greek gods intent on taking over Hamble City, Iowa. Zeus: William Shatner. Hera: Phyllis Diller. Colony of Fire Ants: Themselves.

Well, you can’t beat that, can you! I saw that movie with the ants, once: they were the only ones who knew their lines.

Quokka Stock Photos, Royalty Free Quokka Images | Depositphotos

(How did I ever get into this?) Byron the Quokka, signing off!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, August 6

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV March 19th through 25th, 1983

G’day, g’day, it’s Quokka UTV time! Yours truly, Byron the Quokka, cluing you in–

And by the way, somehow that punk Joe Collidge got more views than I did last week, and we mustn’t let that happen ever again, must we?

Meanwhile, some samples of our weekend offerings.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   JET-SKI DERBY –Game show/justifiable homicide

Celebrities on jet-skis! Annoying celebrities on jet-skis! How many of them can our contestants pick off in half an hour? Tired of the noise, tired of the showing-off? Wait’ll the first rap artiste gets his costly toy shot out from under him! Hostage/Host: Paris Hilton. Analysis: Dr. Phil.

Ch. 16  THE AMAZING GRAVITY BALL!!!–Infomercial for blithering idiots

No matter how high you throw it, it’ll come back down! Drop it from anywhere–and the mysterious force of gravity will draw it straight down! Mystify, impress, bamboozle and wow your friends! And best of all, The Science Is Settled! Featuring H.P. Lovecraft and his orchestra.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 11   NEWS WITH HEINIES–Not deserving of description

(Relax, everybody! No one’s going to moon the audience. It’s just that everybody in this newsroom has the nickname “Heinie.”) Anchorman Heinie Huitzlchotl can’t read the cue cards because he needs new glasses and insists he doesn’t. Weather: Gloria “Heinie” Xing. Sports: Warner “Heinie” Perez.

7 P.M.  Ch. 62  LEAVE IT TO SCHMENDRICK–Sitcom

Schmendrick (Heinie Ryan [Now cut that out!]) notices his parents (June Lockhart, Alvin the Octopus) have been rather short-tempered ever since the June Taylor Dancers (themselves) rented their tool shed and then took over their house. It’s up to Schmendrick and The Mad Postman (Dwight Frye) to get rid of them–but the Postman doesn’t know whether “them” means the dancers or the parents! Tarzan: Richard Simmons.

7:08 P.M.  Ch. 41  MOVIE–For nudists only

In “I Married the Jersey Devil” (Swiss/Filipino, 1976), a hapless farmer (Jackie Chan) sees his daughter (Gracie Allen) marry a misshapen fiend that can fly and terrorize whole counties… and she’s quickly learning bad habits from her husband! Doc Martin: Martin Clunes. Preacher: Bruno Sammartino. Mother Leeds: Sylvia Porter. Song: “I-t’ien Tao Wan” (We have no idea what it means).

2,409 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Well, that ought to set you up for a super-weekend! And it’ll show Joe Collidge who’s boss. If our TV shows can’t beat his stupid college courses, I just give up.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 30

multiple image galleries

G’day! Would you believe it? Next time I do this, it won’t be August anymore!

Byron the Quokka here for Quokka University, with another weekend of fantastic TV viewing that puts the other networks to shame. Here are just a few selections from our menu.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 04   COLLEGE BOLE–Scholastic quiz show

Teams from Pimento University and Acme College square off in a multiple-choice showdown! The question: Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb? The choices: a) Jack Benny b) Gordon MacTavish c) Nobody d) Ramesses II. Host: The Man On The Street (he can’t find the sidewalk).

7 P.M.  Ch. 11  EYEWITLESS NEWS–News & commentary

Alvin the Octopus anchors the program unanimously voted “Worst-Ever TV News Show.” Tonight: “Surgery on Roller Skates” and an interview with several traffic cones. Weather: Felix the Mime. Sports: Two more mimes. Sponsored by Bug-B-Gone Hair Spray.

Ch. 21  HENRY! HENRY!–Puppets

What if Henry VIII had had all six of his wives at the same time? What if chopping their heads off did no good, they’d only stick them back on? This week: Catherine of Aragon accidentally orders too much kitty litter, prompting Anne of Cleves to go berserk with a rolling pin. Special guest star: Woodrow Wilson.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 44  THE PARIAH FAMILY–Sitcom

Tom Smothers stars as Baba Boo-boo, head of the Pariah family that attracts plagues of locusts and lice, financial disaster, apocalyptic weather, and muddled thinking wherever they go. Tonight: Clouds of vampire bats follow the Pariahs to Bunch O’ Burlap Township, Ohio, resulting in complaints. Mayor: Sandy Duncan.

8 P.M.  Ch.36  MOVIE–Paltry excuse for horror and suspense

In “Yumpin’ Yiminy, It Bain de Devil” (Bolivian, 1987), Leo Gorcey and Mikhail Gorbachev lead a Swedish expedition into the unexplored foothills of New Jersey in search of the June Taylor Dancers (played by themselves, with help from a chain gang). Unexpected encounters with pirates and army aunts liven things up! Chief Mooloomoo: Rex Harrison. Witch Doctor: Bud Collier. Tugboat Annie: Shirley Temple.

Well, that should keep you entertained! The first time I saw The Pariah Family, I had nightmares for a week!

Quokka sleeping on park bench.

(Resting up for tonight’s non-stop TV!)

Byron’s TV Listings, July 16

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1976

G’day! How do you like that? July is halfway over! But don’t worry, we won’t run out of great TV to liven up your weekends. And you can probably become a professional model, too–see above.

Here’s a sample of this week’s goodies.

7 P.M.   Ch. 09  THE SCARLET PIMPLE–Adventure

Saving French aristocrats from the guillotine is awfully hard to do when you’re in Kansas and it’s 1976; but it’s a lot safer, too! The Scarlet Pimple/Baron Suplex: Slim Pickens. Milady D’Anjou/Gladys Schwartz: Fay Dunaway. Man Who Thinks He’s A Newt: William Shatner.

Ch. 14   NEWS WITH DAN BLATHER–They make it up

Tonight: Dan exposes the June Taylor Dancers’ plot to take over the U.S. Patent Office. Guest commentator: Charo. Contest: “Who’s Your Favorite Medieval Persian Poet?”

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 22   JACKIE GLEASON IMITATORS, ROUND 2–Indescribable

(Honest, if I hear “And away we go!” one more time, I’ll plotz!) So far it’s Australia and China battling neck and neck, with Jamaica a close third. Too bad the team from Mauritius washed out. Play-by-play: Jimmy Fraud. Color commentary: Some guy from Egypt. Inanity: Phyllis George.

7:36 P.M.  Ch. 53   YAN CAN’T COOK FOR BEANS–Culinary arts

Walter Yan is back, “the Calamity in the Kitchen”! Tonight: Walter shows guest Catherine de Medici how to cook duck fat mixed with sawdust. Fire chief: Don Wilson. Superfluous translator: Deepak Chopra. Watch for a special cameo appearance by… well, I’ve forgotten his name already.

8 P.M.   Ch. 03   MOVIE–Martial arts musical

“Dance with the Dragon” (Chinese-Estonian, 2006) stars chess master Bubba Vyshzinsky as Master Wu, whose new kung-fu style is based on the movements of Siberian folk dancers. Dubbed into Spanish by people who can barely speak it, with incoherent music by the Xi Jin Ping High School faculty, “Dance with the Dragon” was the first movie to feature commercials throughout the body of the film.

Well, there you have it–TV that’s every bit as good as a general anesthetic!

81 Quokka Closeup Portrait Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images -  iStock

Be sure to share your leaves while you’re watching these shows!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 9

It's About TV: This week in TV Guide: September 21, 1974

G’day, humans et al! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend TV to take your minds off stupid and embarrassing news. I am running this feature solo today, Lee’s off in the Twilight Zone somewhere–well, what the heck, we’re off to the races!

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 42  EYEWITLESS NEWS–News, commentary, and lewd noises

“It’s all wrong anyway, so it might as well be entertaining!” says anchorman Etoin Shrdlu, allegedly from another galaxy. The program’s motto says it all: “Honest Fake News.” Tonight: a completely fraudulent investigation of “U.S. Senate girlie parties” held after midnight at Fong’s Diner.

7 P.M.   Ch. 21  STUPID CITY–Crime Drama

You’d think things’d be pretty dull in a mid-sized city where the median IQ is somewhere below that of a sock puppet, but you’d be wrong: stupid cops trying to catch stupid criminals means drama! Chief O’Fudge: Bernie Sanders. Mr. Big: Yoko Ono. Crooked Paper Boy: Gumby. Music by Mrs. Kinkle’s 2nd-grade class.

Ch. 46   THE PRICE IS CRAZY!–Game show

How much would you pay to get hoisted out of a pool full of piranhas? That’s what host Casey Stengel will ask contestants floundering in the pool: best offer gets pulled out first! And no going back on it, either, or you get thrown back in. [Program Note: The June Taylor Dancers will not appear at poolside anymore–not since Sondra fell in. The management apologizes for any inconvenience.]

7:12 P.M.  Ch. 31  MOVIE–(You’re asking me to describe it?)

Davy McTavish’s six-hour epic, “Daughter of the Volcano” (Scottish-Japanese, 1981), Disco Queen Irma Burma (Sharon Sharalike) falls into the mouth of a volcano and it’s up to Charlie’s Ninjas (original cast of The Beverly Hillbillies) to pull her out. Keep an eye out for the famous cameo appearance of Sandy MacQuhouon.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 07  THE FATTERSONS–Sitcom

Jay and Kay Fatterson (William Shatner, Heather Locklear), their precocious 10-year-old son, Poxie (Michael Harrington, who used to have a column), and their pet lion, Jambo, love to get involved in their neighbors’ private business! But when Jambo eats Nancy’s hideous boyfriend (credits not available), the Neighborhood Improvement Committee hires a hit man (Joel Chandler Harris).

Well, mates, there you have it–just a small sample of weekend bliss provided by Quokka University.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

(This was my graduation picture. Do you like it?)

Byron’s TV Listings, July 2

multiple image galleries

G’day, TV fans! Byron the Quokka here–and have we got fantastic stuff for you this weekend! Just give us lots and lots of views so I don’t lose my bet with Joe Collidge and have to give him an honorary Ph.D. from Quokka University. (He wants a degree in “Fizzix.” He thinks it’s some kind of soda.)

6:49 P.M.  Ch. 72  TEAR THE LID OFF HISTORY!–Pure Twaddle

Join hosts Howard Cosell and that model from the Victoria’s Secret catalogue as they examine red-hot historical controversies. This week: Was the Assyrian Empire founded by cowboys? Guest: George “The Animal” Steele.

7 P.M.  Ch. 03  SOCIOLOGY FOR MACHO HE-MEN–(You have to ask?)

Just because you’ve got a degree in Sociology doesn’t mean you have to be a wimp! Let the June Taylor Dancers teach you how to be a macho man and still go around handing out questionnaires about pee-pee. Guest: Jesse Ventura. Featured Song: “I’m in the Mood for Cheap Wine.”

Ch. 11  WE ARE THE WOILD–Indescribable

Some say it’s a cop show, starring Rory Calhoun as Lt. Hsiang Wang-Ho. Others say it’s a PBS fundraiser with lectures on reliving your past lives by Ellen Pupa. And the rest swear it’s a Star Trek spinoff with Bette Midler as a 400-year-old Capt. Kirk who can’t remember where he left the keys to the Enterprise’s lavatory. Decide for yourself!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Unspeakable horror

No less a personage than John Quincy Adams called The Thing from Under the Good Humor Truck (Swedish, 1952; dubbed into Swahili) “just the kind of movie Ingmar Bergman would make if he were a hopeless alcoholic who never progressed beyond first grade.” It turns out Bergman once was a hopeless alcoholic who never progressed beyond first grade; and this is the movie he made about it. Sven: Arthur Treacher. Olaf: Godfrey Cambridge. Jopi: A rubber ball. Kopi: Barbara Steele.

8 P.M.  Ch. 62  WHO’S GOT BUGS?–Game show

This show won’t be on for five minutes before you start itching! Celebrity contestants try to pass their bugs off to the next contestant, and the one who winds up with all the bugs is sacrificed to Science (Phyllis Diller). With E.M. Forster’s Jug Band.

And that’s just a sample of what the program geniuses at Quokka U. have in store for you this weekend! I can’t wait to turn on my TV set!

The Happiest Animal Quokka Is Smiling And Welcoming You To Come To Rottnest  Island In Perth Western Australia Animal Wall Mural | Anim-Hideaki

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

 

Byron’s TV Listings, June 25

A Review of the 1973 TV Guide Fall Preview Issue | Cavalcade of Awesome

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and would you believe it? Next time I’m here, it won’t be June anymore. But in the meantime, Quokka University still brings you shows like these:

7:01 P.M.  Ch. 18   OCD EXPRESS–Crime drama/Game show

The cops at the 55th Precinct all suffer from OCD–so they need the help of you, the viewers, to get out from behind their desks and solve some crimes! The world’s first interactive cop show, you name the crime and you decide whodunnit! Inspector Farrakhan: Dom DeLuise. Sgt. Flabb: Unidentifiable. Officer Perky: Irish McCalla. Lt. Fillibuster: A potted rubber plant.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 05  WHIMPERING SMITH–Western

Sam Waterston stars as Sheriff Jake Smith, the whiniest lawman in the West. It’s all Deputy Snivel (Yogi Bear) can do to stop him from “annoying people to death!” This week: A psychotic rotifer rustler (Alain Delon) tries to shoot himself rather than listen to any more of Jake’s whining.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 27  NEWS WITH GNUS–News & commentary

Highest ratings ever for a major news show! A team of wildebeests, backed up by great ventriloquists just out of sight, covers all the news while munching grass, mating, head-butting, and running away from lions. Of course, that’s it for Sports that night, if the lions catch the gnu who happens to be covering it…

Ch. 41  RUIN YOUR HEALTH!–Health & fitness

Uzguck Swaley has been called “the Anti-Jack LaLanne,” but there’s a method to his madness! Unfortunately no one knows what it is. This week Uzguck introduces a new exercise “that hurts like hell and doesn’t accomplish anything at all.” Special guest: the cast of “The View.”

8 P.M.  Ch. 71  MOVIE–Ancient Egyptian fertility tragedy

(Give us a break: we don’t make ’em, we only show ’em!) In My Mommy the Mummy (Norman/Saxon, 1966), the June Taylor Dancers star as oppressed but dismayingly cheerful peasants whom the evil Pharaoh (Reggie Jackson) just can’t control… but maybe Vincent Price (himself) can! Columbo: Peter Falk. Peter Pan: Mary Martin.

Well, folks, have we aroused your appetite for gourmet TV? Sorry, we had a live cooking show planned, but everybody’s laid up with food poisoning. I told them about those mayonnaise!

Quokka (Setonix brachyurus) eating a banana peel that it has stolen from  the bin in accommodation hut, Rottnest Island, Western Stock Photo - Alamy

Byron the Quokka, signing off. Banana peel, anyone?

Byron’s TV Listings, June 4

1,012 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on this stupid crummy computer that won’t let me post a TV guide page… and all the letters come out light-grey, almost impossible to read. This is why certain people hate technology. It was all we could do to post this picture of moi.

Well, we have another weekend of scintillating TV for you. Grab a crunchy leaf, settle down, and tune in. Here’s a sample from our menu.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 56  FUMFER!–Sitcom, with hydrological overtones

Sid Fumfer (Slim Pickens) thinks there’s an intruder hiding in his house who looks exactly like him, wears exactly the same clothes, and does exactly the same things at the same time. Ma Fumfer: Joey Heatherton. Mirror repairman: Charles Atlas. Featured song: “I Look Like Dali Drew Me.”

7:45 P.M.  Ch. 19  ‘ALWAYS POSITIVE’ NEWS & WEATHER–(You’re asking?)

It doesn’t have to be true, as long as it makes you feel good! Join anchors PeeWee Herman and Chelsea Clinton as they serve up one happy news item after another! The weather’s always going to be nice, too! Meteorologist: Woody Woodpecker (the real one, not the cartoon).

8:00 P.M.  Ch. 05  MOVIE OF THE WEAK–Feeble Bergman imitation

In “Wild Boysenberries” (Swedish/Franciscan, 1994), a college professor (H.P. Lovecraft) falls in love with a young girl’s paper hat while his wife learns yoga from a puckish Scotsman (Howard DaSilva). Unforgettable cameo appearance by Dan Rather on a pogo stick.

Ch. 16  BLAZING GUNS OF YASHMAK CITY–Experimental Western

The June Taylor Dancers have their work cut out for them when they’re elected sheriff of Yashmak City, the town where a 22% murder rate is the least of their problems. For one thing, it’s almost impossible to fit all 16 of the Dancers into the pokey little sheriff’s office already crowded with the mummified remains of previous sheriffs. And then there’s Fong Hsueh-Ting (Simon Oakland), the meanest man west of the Pillars of Hercules…

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 64  BOWLING FOR YOUR LIFE–Game show

What if your life depended on making that spare? What if some maniacal announcer (computer-generated: no one’s that crazy) kept distracting you? What if the bowling ball stopped rolling, halfway down the lane? What if you couldn’t pull your fingers out of the little holes? How much can you take before you just plain snap? It’s a laugh a minute, produced by the World Health Organization.

Well, that does it. You have to watch at least one of these shows because I have a bet on with Joe Collidge that my posts get more views than his. If he wins, he gets an honorary degree from Quokka University and that’s that for our credibility! If I win, he has to soak his head. It might do him some good.

P.S.–Now the letters are normal again. I’m confused!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, May 28

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

Note to readers: I have no idea why this ^%$#$ machine refuses to publish the TV guide page. This blog is behaving as if there were a curse on it.   LD

Look at this! The month of May is almost all used up.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV shows that’ll pump you up and calm you down! Here are a few examples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   KANSAS CITY KONFIDENTIAL–Krime Drama

In “The Last Person to See Him Dead,” Lt. Fezziwig (Don Wilson) has discovered a diabolical plan to re-start the Roman Empire; and Deputy Chief Sheena (Irish McCalla) is investigated for barratry. Commissioner Chumley: Wallace Beery. Music by the McGuffin Middle School Band, directed by a ghost.

8 P.M. Ch. 07  YOUR SWEET REVENGE–Game show with Classical overtones

Originally the plan was to act out in real life some of the more gruesome acts of revenge taken by characters in Shakespeare’s plays. As it turned out, that was mostly against the law. Now contestants pelt each other with pies and the June Taylor Dancers… well, dance in the background. Host: Yuan Shih-kai.

8:08 P.M.  Ch. 14  NEWS WITH NEWTS–(You have to ask?)

Dan Rather’s back, and News with Newts has got him! In fact, he’s still trying to get George W. Bush kicked out of the White House. You’ll be amazed how he twists every news story we cover into an anti-Bush rant! Now all we have to do is somehow lure the newts back to the show. With Joey Heatherton and her orchestra.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 51  MARSHAL MEDEA–Western with ridiculous overtones

What would’ve happened if Medea (Sandy Duncan) left those Greek tragedies behind and went Out West to become a U.S. marshal in Popsy, Maryland–“the town too dead to die”? This question has vexed no one, ever. This week, Marshal Medea confronts the question of Maryland’s geographical location. Prof. Ringworm: Soupy Sales. Jolly sidekick: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch. 66   MOVIE–Suburban Adventure

In “Tarzan Makes a House Call” (French-Canadian-Etruscan, 1997), the Ape-Man (Spencer Tracy) is pressed into service as a pill-bearing doctor to a lot of neurotic women in a posh suburb of an even posher suburb. Jane: Angela Merkel. Suzie: Theda Bara. Saxon Warrior: Lon Chaney Jr. Note: Cardboard cutouts were used in place of real gorillas.

Well, now, that’s that! A whole weekend’s worth of glorious TV–who could ask for anything more? Well, okay, you could… but who would listen?

265 Quokka Smiling Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

You’ll never make it through “Marshal Medea” without a leafy snack! This is Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, May 21

multiple image galleries

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s weekend TV listings. Lee is off getting interviewed somewhere, so I’m on my own. I don’t mind if you don’t!

Here are a few samples from our weekend menu.

2 P.M.  Ch. 11   DANCE TO THE MUZAK–Game show

Our hidden camera watches contestants dance to the Muzak that’s pumped into the elevator car while regular passengers watch, confused and maybe just a little bit scared! The grand prize goes to the contestant who can annoy and unsettle the most riders without getting punched in the nose. Host: Sales vice president Jack “Happy” Pew at Metro Studebaker, Ponca City.

2:15 P.M.  Ch. 08  JIMMY FRAUD’S DELUSIONS–News

He’s only just discovered that he’s psychic, and can report the news before it actually happens. None of his predictions has come true, so far, but “that’s only natural, I’ve got to get warmed up,” he explains. Co-anchor: Dan Rather. With T’an Pu T’ing and his pots and pans orchestra.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 22  HYPOCHONDRIAC HEAVEN–Variety/medical

You name it, someone in the audience has it! Join host Jacob Marley as he tries to find a disease that no one in the studio has or has had. It’s been three years since he thought he’d found one–only to have a man with just one buttock claim the prize. Color commentary by Joyce Carol Oates. Special guest: Alvin the Octopus.

3 P.m.  Ch. 36  MOVIE–Horror

“The Man Who Feared Hamsters” (Bolivian-Silurian, 1996) is Shabby Jones (bodybuilder Tom Platz), marked for death by the KBG (no, not the KGB!), must elude the killer hamsters that they’ve programed to hunt him down and eat him. Film critic Prabhu Patnabhirish called it “Absolutely the worst movie ever made.” Spymaster: Ben Gunn. Femme Fatale: June Allyson. Assassins: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “I Busted My Coccyx on the See-Saw.”

Ch. 48  DUST BUNNIES–Western adventure, with soliloquies

Who are the Dust Bunnies? The most feared gunfighters who ever hid under a bed! Marshal Pete Cottontail (Richard Simmons) recruits only the toughest, meanest, deadliest hombres. This week: The Bunnies take on savage Sea Monkeys for control of Drybones Air Force Base, just two miles out of Tucson. Hoppy: Zoe Caldwell. Floppy: John Inman. Col. Tubbs: Some guy from New Jersey.

Well, folks, I hope these have whetted your appetite for another weekend of glorious, edifying, hair-raising television!

Quokkas: why we need to look beyond the smile - Australian Geographic

(Rushing to get to my TV before I miss anything! Byron the Quokka, signing off)