Byron’s TV Listings, May 8

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where we get it!

Without any further ado–we’re just about out of ado, anyhow–here’s a sample.

8:06 A.M.  Ch. 2  GUMBY’S STOCK MARKET TIPS

You won’t get rich, but you might get entertained. What the heck, it’s only money. Let Gumby and Poky show you how to invest it.

8:08   Ch. 3   WANTED FOR FRAUD: GUMBY

Anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of Gumby, please contact the Channel 3 Fraud Squad. $15 reward!

8:15   Ch. 5   CROCKED NEWSTALK–News and Commentary

You have to be noticeably intoxicated before they let you join this panel. Tonight’s celebrity drunkard: Big-game hunter Hap “Oops!” Chandler. Tonight’s topic: “String Theory: Who ****ing Gives a ****?” With Xi Jin Ping and his orchestra.

9 A.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Waste of time

“Hamlet Prince of Denmark, Michigan” (2002)  Re-adaptation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet in modern dress and setting, with Hamlet as the son trying to inherit a shoe store after his father is murdered by Brownies. Hamlet: Alec Guinness. Father’s Ghost: Ben Dover. Ophelia: Zsa Zsa Gabor. Polonius: the Bowery Boys. With Henny Youngman’s Joke Machine.

Ch. 32   MY MOTHER THE GUNSLINGER–Western

While a rogue shark picks off Dodge City’s innocent swimmers, Sheriff Flimsy (John Gielgud) must ask Ma (Shari Lewis) to buckle on her guns again to deal with a mysterious stranger who shoots everybody. Dusty the Dog: James Whitmore. Sid the Horse: Alva Toffler  Mary Ellen the Beetle: Linda Hunt.

Well, there you have it–just a taste of what awaits you when you tune into Quokka UTV.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 24)

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

Tally-ho, and away we go! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s Quokka University TV listings. We show the stuff that none of the networks dared to show, back when. But we have to admit we don’t have sponsors like Gro-Pup. We do have Go-Gro Crayfish Food, but their advertising budget won’t grow anything bigger than a crayfish.

Anyway, here are a few samples of fantastically wonderful TV for your weekend. Just don’t tell anybody where you got it.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  GIRDLES GALORE–Fashion

You’ll never again have to ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Because you’ll have a Hollywood Girdle on under it! Hosts: Boris Karloff, Ayn Rand. With Gene Woodling’s Xylophone Orchestra.

Ch. 06  SPORTS NOBODY CARES ABOUT–Interviews

Howard Cosell interviews athletes who play sports you never heard of–Papuan egg-swallowing, speed crocheting from Estonia, 43-man Squamish, wheel barrow-throwing from the most isolated regions of Spain, and many others. Nominated for a Broken Coccyx Award!

Ch. 14  SHOOT ‘EM ALL!–Western

Sheriff Grendel (Alan Alda) recovers from having a load of bricks dumped on his head, but has now become a serial killer out for revenge–against whom, he doesn’t know. It’s up to shy schoolmarm Pam Spam (Joan Rivers) and plucky Deputy Horace Dawg (an animated root vegetable) to stop him. Toby: Steve Reeves  Mayor Motormouth: Nick Cravat

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 42  UNDERWATER BALLET NEWS–News

Anchor David Pong reports from underwater at Weeki Wachee while the famous Mermaids cavort all around him. Be sure to send away for the Bubble-Meister, or you won’t be able to understand a word David says–remember, he’s sitting underwater and it makes him sound funny.

8:01 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Romance/Adventure

“The Lost City of Almost-Naked Women” (1970) finds the Bowery Boys exploring a lost city deep in the heart of Brooklyn. This was the first and last movie directed by Sen. Walter Mondale. Huntz Hall, Leo Gorcey.  Prof. Peedle: Arnold Stang  Dr. Von Schussnig: Zsa Zsa Gabor  Featuring the Bil Baird Puppets.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started! And please let us know if you actually get a Bubble-Meister after you send away for one.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 17)

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

Byron’s TV Listings

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

G’day! Coming to you from somewhere on Rottnest Island, another weekend of spectacular TV! Just don’t ask us where we get it…

10:23 P.M.  Ch. 22  NEWS with The Three Stooges

Moe, Larry, and Curly deliver news, weather, pokes in the eye, and nyuk-nyuk-nyuks. Special guest: Bertrand Russell

10:30 P.M.  Ch. 31  ROUTE 216–Picaresque Cautionary Tale

Buzz and Fuzz finally manage to push their ancient Corvette past the 25-mph mark–and break into a parallel universe where socialism really works–for gigantic man-sized insects with a thirst for blood and fritters. Buzz: Pinky Lee   Fuzz: Bruno Sammartino  Big Bug: Prince Charles

27   Movie–Philosophical Reflections

“Momma Was a Crackerball!” (1997) The incredibly aged Bowery Boys have only two days to pull off a heist at Louie’s Soda Shop before a Bela Lugosi look-alike comes to collect their souls. Leo Gorcy, Huntz Hall. Lugosi Look-Alike: Dick Cavett. Old Man: Al Jolson.

18  SURVIVAL BOWLING

Can the celebrity contestants knock all the pins over before they release a noxious gas? Tonight’s guest bowlers: Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Una O’Connor, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Host: Tim McCarver. With Al Gore and his orchestra.

10:36 P.M.  Ch 44   OUR MISS FANGS–Situation Comedy

Wally Jumblatt (Soupy Sales) and his friends at Foogoo County Night School have to pass Miss Pikestaff’s course in Transylvanian Literature while avoiding her fangs–for this teacher is a vampire! Miss Pikestaff: Anne Blyth.  Pencilhead: Robert Young. Mr. Shotglass, the Principle: a medium-sized pumpkin.

Well, that’s that! We hope we have livened up your weekend.

Byron’s TV Listings (3/27)

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of indescribably wonderful TV–just don’t ask me where it came from!

7:30 P.M.  02  MY MOTHER THE AXOLOTL–Science Fiction/Tragedy

Mom wants a new aquarium, but Henry’s biggest worry is the mad scientists who are trying to kidnap her and subject her to really weird experiments. Mom: Suzanne Pleshett. Henry: Andre the Giant. Mad Professor: Gregory Peck.

03  DR. HANGHAM, PUBLIC NUISANCE–Western

Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair makes his dramatic debut as Dr. Frank Hangham, master of totally unnecessary amputations in the Old West town of Nose Hairs, Nevada. Filmed in Hungary, with real Munchkins. Sheriff Chilblain: Mikhail Gorbachev. Mayor McCrackers: Sally Field  Drunken Slattern: (Name Withheld)

7:14 P.M.  06  NEWS–Pee Wee Herman

8 P.M.  10  ANGELA MERKEL’S VARIETY HOUR–Variety

The perky, bubbly chancellor of Germany hosts Roderick Usher and his sock puppets, world self-face-slapping champion Marcus Carcass, a man who thinks he’s a poached egg, and the June Taylor Dancers. With Willie Sutton and his orchestra.

11  MOVIE–Mystery

“The Murders Under the Mailbox” (1988) Directed by children randomly chosen from fourth and fifth grades at recess, this stylish thriller features former NY Mets catcher Clarence “Choo Choo” Coleman as a detective haunted by his past–and by his mischievous imp of a daughter (Barbra Streisand). Guest Star: Some guy from Egypt, I can’t spell his name.

13  THREE STOOGES FASHION SHOW–Fashion/Drama

Rescued from the vaults of Atlantis, this forgotten series has it all–high fashion, shockingly expensive gowns, pie fights, eye-pokings, and prat falls. Slippery floors galore! Moe, Larry, and Curly with celebrity guests who don’t mind being humiliated on national TV. Special guest: Prince Philip.

Byron’s TV Listings

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV, brought to you by Quokka University, where I have the honor to teach Political Science… and introduce our TV listings. Just don’t ask where we’re getting these shows. I can’t be prosecuted if I don’t know… can I?

March 20, 4:30 P.M.

Ch. 10  I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET! (Game Show)

One of the four celebrity panelists has a secret that would turn him into a national laughing-stock, an object of universal loathing, if it ever got out–and it’s the job of the contestants to find out what it is! Host: Joey Stalin. With Typhoid Mary and the Pandemics.

11  CHAMPIONSHIP CHUTES & LADDERS (Educational)

So how do you master the intricate tactics and strategies of Chutes and Ladders? Join former world Chess Champion Boris Spassky as he tries to teach the game to incredibly dense college professors who just can’t seem to get it.

12  MOVIE–“Killer Quokkas from Rigel IV” (1958: Science Fiction) When killer quokkas invade New York City, the Bowery Boys are forced to take action. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Admiral Benbow: Pinky Lee  Mayor Threadbare: Joey Heatherton  Horace Clarke Chapter of B’Nai B’rith: Themselves.

Hey, wait now, hold on there! I really must object in the strongest possible terms! Speaking for all quokkas everywhere, I must say that we would NEVER attack New York–but if we did, by gum, the Bowery Boys wouldn’t stop us! Wait’ll I find out who selected this movie. They’ll wish their fathers had never met their mothers!

Quokka Facts | Mental Floss

4:53 P.M.  Ch 02  SHUT UP, STUPID! (Discussion)

Join host Mr. T as he moderates a debate between Rosie O’Donnell and a large root vegetable on the topic, “Are progressives really all that smart?” This is the “incident” that ended Rosie’s career! Also featuring Angela Merkel and her orchestra.

Well, that’s all for now. I have to go find the jidrool responsible for that stupid quokka movie.

Watch everything else!

 

Byron’s TV Listings

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Welcome to another weekend of Quokka University TV, live from Rottnest Island. I’m your host, Byron the Quokka. We always show a TV Guide page to get you cranked up for our offerings. I do wish I could watch Make That Spare, from the Paramus NJ Bowling Center–and Prehistoric Women! Uncle Shinbone thinks it might be the best movie ever made.

Well, here are some of our listings. Sit back with a handful of nice chewy leaves, and enjoy it!

8:14 P.M.   08, 09  HOWLER MONKEYS (Nature). A glorious 28 minutes of Costa Rican howler monkeys screeching at the cameraman, the late Ivan Pitfall.

8:15  11  Barney Dottle, Police Defective (Crime Drama) Barney thinks he’s hot on the trail of a desperate gang of armed robbers, but his continual misinterpretation of clues leads him to arrest the attendees of a PTA meeting. Barney: Jack Palance. Mrs. Dogless: The Lennon Sisters.

12  Movie–Classic Tragedy

The Naked and the Clothed” (1957) The Bowery Boys are caught napping when Nikita Khrushchev, posing as just another neighborhood character, tricks them into revealing America’s funniest military secrets. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Khrushchev: Himself. Timon of Athens: Tim McCarver.

13  Battle of the Brains–Public Affairs

Pinky Lee hosts a debate between former U.S. Senator Biff Boff and Rep. Rosie Hejaz on the topic, “Should prayer be allowed in churches?” With Willie Sutton and his orchestra, and the June Taylor Dancers.

8:32 P.M.   03  Bowling For Dear Life–Sports/Drama

If you really need that medicine, you’d better bowl a strike! Up for grabs tonight: life-saving medicine, parole from Chateau D’If Prison, ownership of a home, graduation from law school, and other goodies. Join host Willis Twombley  as he reminds the contestants, “No pressure!”

840 QUOKKAS ideas in 2021 | quokka, happy animals, cute animals

Some readers have complained that they can’t trust these TV listings unless my picture is published with them. So that’s me, right up there–and it’s TV time!