Byron’s TV Listings, March 11

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV July 31st through August 6th, 1982

G’day, me hearties! Swab the forecastle, raffle up the yardarm! Byron the Quokka, talkin’ sea-talk as you study our exclusive menu of weekend television. (All right, I don’t actually know who’s excluded from the menu!) Settle down with some nice chewy leaves and enjoy these shows.

7 P.M.   Ch. 07   GRANDPA TARZAN–Sitcom

Walter Brennan–his last role–played a Tarzan rendered stiff and crotchety by old age and barely able to swing across the living room, let alone from tree to tree. This week: Cheetah (Gregory Peck) signs Tarzan up for an insurance policy that he doesn’t need: especially since he currently thinks he’s old-time New York politician Roscoe Conklin. Jane: Sandy Duncan. Boy: Rod Steiger.

Ch. 12  DANCE, YOU SUCKER!–Game Show/Drama

Win a tryout with the June Taylor Dancers and a guest star’s role in their up-and-coming movie, Honey, I Busted My Coccyx. Competitions: Log-rolling, Doubletalk, Singing While Gargling, Getting Dressed Backwards. Host: Some guy who won a Pulitzer. Scorekeeper: Carmen Miranda.

7:15 P.M.   Ch. 03   MONSTER NEWS–News & commentary

Ever wonder what it’s like to watch a news program geared to werewolves, vampires, ambulent mummies, etc.? Anchorman Scoop Pooper wonders about it all the time, so the network created this news show especially for him! None of the stories is true, but Scoop doesn’t know that. Watch him get excited! Sports: Jaroslav Hasek. Weather: Dame Maggie Smith.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 24   HANG ‘EM HIGH, CHOU EN-LAI–Western

What if the Old West had been in Communist China? What if Premier Chou En-Lai had been a wandering ex-sheriff banished from his town for composing unbearably bad poetry. This is the show that has it all! Chairman Mao: Red Skelton. President Nixon: Linda Hunt. Mrs. McGillicuddy: Yi Wan-Shu. Song: “I’ve Got Spurs That Jingle-Jangle-Jingle.”

8 P.M.  Ch. 67  MOVIE–Pretentious twaddle but otherwise great

In Who Gots What You Gots? (Australian-Latvian, 1998: 256 minutes), a clone of Jerry Mathers stars as a corrupt film-noir prosecutor who falls in love with Babbly Bertha (Joan Collins), a poetess whose personal stamp collection is worth a good $15 of anybody’s money. Can Orville Redenbacher (himself) protect her? Thief With a Heart of Gold: Jim Backus.

There! If you can find TV anywhere in the world that’s half as good as this, you’re welcome to it!

Quokka | San Diego Zoo Animals & Plants

Byron the Quokka, signing off–and these leaves are just right.

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 18

TV Guide – Saturday, March 24, 1979 – Retro Hound

G’day, folks! Byron the Quokka here–and I missed the Super Bowl because I thought it was the Stupor Bowl and couldn’t find it… Anyway, here’s a sample of this weekend’s stupendous colossal television brought to you by Quokka University.

4:30 P.M. Ch. 08  FLASHING WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON–Reality (?) Show

Can you get in trouble by flashing with your clothes on? Will people shriek and drop packages before they realize that you aren’t showing anything they shouldn’t see? Join host U Thant as the Flasher Crew shakes up a crowded Wal-Mart… and creates a dilemma for police. Special Guest: Thor Heyerdahl.

Ch. 15  EYEWITLESS NEWS–News for simpletons

Anchor Dan Rather doesn’t know he’s on the air, so he sits there making goofy faces and morally questionable gestures. In fact, none of them know they’re on the air, and their natural witlessness takes over. No news value–but wait’ll you see Sam Donaldson get all tangled up in his underwear, trying to dress himself.


Violet Crepuscular doesn’t only write suspense: she lives it! Watch the fun as convicts from the State Prison volunteer to taste her latest creations. This week: Asparagus & Toothpaste with Sausages. Special Guest Star: some old guy who wandered into the studio and can’t find the way out.

5 P.M.  Ch. 31  MOVIE–N.Y. Yankee Baseball/Horror

In “The Vampire of the Right Field Bleacher Seats” (Cuban-Dutch, 2013), Yankees’ star Dave Winfield spoils his own acting debut by playing two characters at once, and neither one of them the role he was cast for. Plot (as we call it): A right field seat in Yankee Stadium becomes a death sentence until Detective Lieutenant Jim Nast (Betty White) can collar the Rogue Vender (Froggy the Gremlin). Song: “I Miss My Coccyx!”

Ch. 55   THE HAIRBALL KID–Sitcom

12-year-old Herbert S. Klein (Abe Vigoda) is a super-hero with a problem: being part cat, every time he gets excited, he tosses up a hairball. Super-villain Ace King (some guy from Baltimore) thinks he can use that in his scheme to take over the world–Can Herbert stop him? Mrs. Nazgul: Paula Prentiss. Chief Swinburne: Bill Harzia. Egyptian Mummy: Not Yet Identified.

I don’t know about you, but boy, howdy, I can’t wait to watch these! I thought I heard them singing “I Miss My Coccyx” in pick-up sticks practice.

Quokka Stock Photos, Royalty Free Quokka Images | Depositphotos

Byron the Quokka, signing off.


Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 11

tv guide siskel and ebert 1987

G’day, g’day to all that may, chicken-fat canning begins today! Byron the Quokka here, trying my hand at poetry. Meanwhile, here are some samples of Quokka University’s weekend TV offerings.


Last week’s champion, Lorna Doone (allergic to rectangles), takes on challenger Terry Mildew (“My cat gave me leprosy!”) in The Battle of Horrific Symptoms. Host: Bud Collier. Featured: Dr. Pillpop’s Medicine Show.

Ch. 06  SECRET NEWS!–Inane News and commentary

You won’t understand a word of this broadcast unless you have Uncle Flabby’s Secret News Decoder Dial! Special tonight: “World War III Breaks Out.”  Featured: The June Taylor Dancers make like dandruff and “flake off.”

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 11  LET PUPPETS RULE YOUR LIFE–(Don’t ask, we just work here)

Tired of being a puppet? Try being the puppet of a puppet! Why make decisions, when Spunky and Gargo and Burpy and The Gang can make them for you? Just phone in your predicament and then do exactly what the puppets say! Host: David Hasselhof and hair.

5:45 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Brilliant thriller that never got a break from critics who were only trying to show off

In “Dog My Cats” (Tahitian, 1993), Soviet super-spy Anatoly Przhykwoffskyvich (Tom Jones) defects to Siberian Intelligence–only to discover that Siberia is part of the Soviet Union and all he’s done is make a fool of himself. Billy Martin: Omar Sharif. Natasha: The tall chick from “Rocky and His Friends.” Song: “I’m Itchy All Over.”


Lulu (Heather Locklear) runs into big trouble when the ice gives way under her gourmet hockey team; and at home, Ginger (Debbie Reyolds) and her mata-mata turtle are arrested for poaching eggs. Cloak of Invisibility Salesman: Sorry, couldn’t see him. Special cameo appearance by William Howard Taft.

Now that’s what I call a TV schedule! Please excuse me while I try to find a rhyme for “schedule.”

10 Incredible Quokka Facts - AZ Animals

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 28

The Essential TV Guide Fall Preview Issues of the 80s, Part 9: 1985! | Branded in the 80s

G’day, everybody–Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of life-altering TV programs brought to you by Quokka University. Would you believe these great shows have been left just lying around? Here’s a sample:

6 P.M.  Ch. 02  CHUCKLEHEAD NEWS–(Self-explanatory)

They’re not the least bit embarrassed by the label “Chucklehead”! This crack news team, assembled by anchor Jimmy Fraud, has a motto: “We’re honest about our dishonesty! We tell the truth about our lies!” Uh, wait a minute… Isn’t that two mottos?

Ch. 08  MOVIE–Apocalyptic vision 

In “The Attack of the Co-ed Dinosaurs” (French-Tasmanian, 1958), they went overboard in the cutting room and tossed out all but 20 minutes of this film–but it’s a great 20 minutes! Eddie Albert stars as a man in a rubber tyrannosaur suit who terrorizes a small town dominated by Rosemary Clooney and her songs. Directed by the United Nations.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 15  GENGHIS!–Sitcom

Genghis Khan (William Shatner) retires as a world conqueror and moves to Speedwell, New Jersey, to raise guinea pigs. This week: Mrs. Genghis (Jane Austen) and her mother-in-law (Willa Cather) get arrested for practicing alchemy and not getting any better at it. Will the Khan bail them out? Chief Mogan: Liberace. Speedwell Police Force: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 33  SURVIVE IF YOU CAN!–Game show

Follow the fun with emcee Sandy Duncan as contestants are stranded on tiny islands populated by army ants, poisonous snakes, hideous tropical diseases, and ferocious tribes of cannibals–and the one who lives the longest wins a Fogo Industries Prefab Tool Shed!

7 P.M.  Ch. 61  PARANORMAL PETE–Explorations of the unknown

A ghost haunts a stapler; a Good Humor man can’t remember his past life as Brad Pitt; did extraterrestrials build the Macy’s department store in Grogboro, Iowa, that no one else remembers building? Pete Runnels explores these and other unexplained mysteries that no one can figure out! Guest: Susan Duckweed.

Well, there you are! Whoever called TV a vast wasteland obviously never saw any of these shows!

10+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

(I love that bicycle!) Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 14

tv guide sears portrait studio 1987

G’day, g’day, calloo, callay! Byron the Quokka here, with weekend TV guaranteed to blow your socks off! Here’s a small sample:

5 P.M.  Ch. 06  ROLLER DERBY NEWS–Waddaya think? News + roller derby

You want to be informed, so you watch the news. You want to relax and enjoy life, so you watch roller derby. This show lets you do both at once! Today: Strategic Arms Limitation Talks; and the Oklahoma City Manglers take on the Maine Coon Cats. Anchor: Randomly selected from the audience.

Ch. 11  Movie–Science fiction with stock footage

In “Here Come Those Dagnabbed Mammoths Again!” (Bolivian, 1967), rampaging woolly mammoths flatten the same Indian village every time the poor sods rebuild it. Is the solution to be found in Elmer’s Glue? Sylvia Porter: Raquel Welch. Louis Rukeyser: Mike Mazurki. Village people: The Village People.

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 41  SQUANDER!–Game show

Contestants start out with $50,000 each and have only 20 minutes in Jim Bob’s Dept. Store in which to spend it. First to spend the whole $50K gets to keep the money; losers have to keep the things they bought–and pay for it! Host: Edgar Allan Poe. With Francisco Franco and his Orchestra.


Rocky (Al Roker) and Debi (Linda Hunt) fight back when The June Taylor Dancers go mad and start stomping everybody’s front lawns. Sgt. Foozle: George Raft. Two gentlemen from Verona: two gentlemen from Keasby, NJ. Song: “I Can’t Get No Stupefaction.”


This show was internationally condemned as a ham-fisted ripoff of Wagon Train when it came out in 1960; but since the 2020 discovery that Wagon-Master had been secretly produced by the Royal Shakespeare Company, now the critics like it. Tonight: Major Binky (Soupy Sales) has a revolt on his hands: people don’t want to pull their own wagons anymore. Mrs. Gesundheit: Dame Judith Anderson. The Gargoyle Twins: (don’t ask).

Well, that should do it for you! Certainly does it for me!

Meet The Quokka, The Smiling Marsupial Of Western Australia

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 10

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

[I have to soak my head, after that last post. Over to you, Byron!–LD]

G’day! Byron the Quokka here for Quokka University, bringing you weekend TV that will make you think you died and went to Paramus, NJ! Here’s a mere sample of it.

5:46 P.M.  Ch. 74  100% FAKE NEWS!–Just what it says: fake

Here’s the gimmick: Anchorman Dan Rather is the only person involved who doesn’t know the whole thing’s fake! Like, we tried to tell him, but after a while you just give up, know what I mean? Tonight: How Donald Trump started the Trojan War. Special guest: A very large earthworm.

6 P.M.  Ch. 04  SEANCE WITH THE STARS–Incredibly poor taste

Join Sophie Tucker, Nestor Chylak, Susan Sontag, and Jackie Chan, with medium Madame LaBonza, as they try to make contact with celebrities who have passed over. Tonight they’ll be seeking sure-fire stock market tips from Pharaoh Ramses II, who has had a very long time to study the market and develop his own theories. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.


What happens when you combine roller derby with basketball? Chaos! Mayhem! Fabulous injuries you never saw before! The Kyzyl Wahoos defend their Central Asian championship against the Miami Beach Vestment Lice. Miami Beach is not in Central Asia, but never mind. Play-by-Play: Jimmy Durante, Anne Klein.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16  BEAT THE CROC–Game show

Who can swim to the other end of the pool first–our celebrity contestants, or a hungry crocodile named Jimbo? Host Patrick MacNee whips up the crowd as the croc closes in! This week’s frantic swimmers: Susan George, Walter Cronkite, Bette Midler. With Jay Nehru and his orchestra.

Ch. 42   MOVIE–Defies description (call it a ‘Western’)

“Bats Over Broadway” (Canadian, 2004) combines the talents of Steven Spielberg, Reggie Jackson, Julia Child, and Bela Lugosi in a 4 1/2-hour spectacle that former President Jimmy Carter called “knuckle-crackin’ good!” But that’s only because he was in it, too, as The Pitiful Beggar Who Has Nothing Wrong With Him. Chief Kalfastoban: Roddy McDowell. Themistocles: a boyfriend of Sharon Stone.

Well! How d’ya like  that selection? Makes me want to curl up in the dry grass and munch on shiny green leaves!

2,528 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 20

multiple image galleries

G’day! Would you believe it’s August 20? Where does the time go!

Byron the Quokka here, inviting you to step outside the stream of time and watch some Quokka University TV. You’ll be glad you did! And here’s a sample:

7:15 P.M. Ch. 07  YOU ARE THE NEWS!–Made-up phony news

Co-Anchors Jimmy Fraud and Miley Cyrus throw unrelated factoids at you–and you do the rest! Cobble them together into news stories! Last week’s winner: “Putin Sends Trans Models to Nuclear Test in Atlantic City”. Featuring Congressman Capsize and his underwater orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 01  SMORK AND SMINDY–Sci-fi sitcom

Smork (Marlon Brando) is a six-foot-tall grasshopper from the planet Fong; and Smindy (Linda Hunt) is the raving lunatic who lets him sleep in her broom closet. This week: Smork is deathly ill after eating the mop, but when Smindy summons Dr. Porky (Sir Tim McCarver), she finds him drunk!

Ch. 14  YOUR ASTONISHING DISEASE!–Medical game show

Which contestant has the weirdest disease? It’s up to the June Taylor Dancers to find out! Host: “Nature Boy” Buddy Rodgers. Scientific adviser: Dinah Shore. In charge of evacuating the studio if something really nasty turns up: Col. John D. Craig.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46   MOVIE–Western (sort of)

In “The Town Too Dead to Die” (Czech-Tahitian, 2002), Mayor Daryl Poyson (Cleavon Little) and Sheriff Wu Wei-Shu (Will Geer) move the town of Effluvium, Arizona, lock, stock, and barrel, to Sikanderpore Forest in India! Theme Song: “I’ve Lost My Coccyx to You!”, by Parnell Roberts. Ninety-nine minutes. In Dutch, with subtitles. Be sure to catch that famous scene of cobras invading the saloon!

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 28   I WANDER IN DESOLATE SWAMPS–Crime drama

Private Eye Joe Collidge (William Saroyan) has set up shop in The Great Stinking Mire, miles and miles from the nearest human habitation. His misanthropy won’t let him come any closer! So what kind of cases can he possibly have? Tune in and see. Guest stars: June Lockhart, Lassie, Minnesota Fats. Featured: Auctioning off bits of the set.

Well, boyzin gulls, there you have it! Trust me, you can totally rot your mind on this TV, and be all the better for it.

How To Take A Selfie With A Quokka - The Ultimate Guide – Quokka Hub

Me, with this guy who says he can get me a good deal on car insurance.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 13

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

G’day, g’day! Time for weekend TV from Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka, and oh! oh! oh, the shows we have lined up for you! Someday you’ll thank us (we take checks). Here’s a sample of our menu:

7:48 P.M.  Ch. 08  BACKWARDS NEWS–News game

Can you untangle the news–when you’ve only heard it backwards, and in a foreign language? Join hostess Bimbi Hoople as celebrity guests Chuck Connors and Erica Jong try to decipher this gibberish–and the studio audience can’t go home until they do it! Watch those tempers burn like fuses!

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  THE McGUFFIN GROUP–Current events

Some of the most ignorant people in Los Angeles, lured into the studio by promises of–well, we don’t want to get into that–debate key social and political issues which they never heard of until just now. “Best in Show” gets an anchor’s job at CNN! Host: Jimmy Fraud. Color Commentary: An old wind-up bank that wheezes “Heh-heh-hee, a penny saved is a penny earned!”

Ch. 15  SHOOT IF YOU MUST–Wartime drama/Science fiction

Sgt. Twinkle (Cat Stevens) and his Howling Commandos are secretly transported to the planet Winky to battle an out-of-control bartender (Red Buttons). Pvt. Sunshine: Jesse Ventura. Grannie: Irene Ryan. Featured song, “Thom McCann Has Enviable Shoes For Your Feet.”

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 33  HOOK, LINE, AND SINK HER–Fishing

Never mind about baiting the hooks! Can Sunfish “Ed” Fong get all the June Taylor Dancers into his rowboat? And once he does, will they keep dancing? Meanwhile we’re supposed to be learning how to fish for compliments…

9 P.M.  Ch. 57  MOVIE–Greek mythology/Crime drama

Inspired by the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Hercules Goes to New York, “Dog My Cats” (Chilean, 1994; 6 hours) pits hard-boiled private eye Sammy Egg (Cesar Geronimo) against a syndicate of ancient Greek gods intent on taking over Hamble City, Iowa. Zeus: William Shatner. Hera: Phyllis Diller. Colony of Fire Ants: Themselves.

Well, you can’t beat that, can you! I saw that movie with the ants, once: they were the only ones who knew their lines.

Quokka Stock Photos, Royalty Free Quokka Images | Depositphotos

(How did I ever get into this?) Byron the Quokka, signing off!


Byron’s TV Listings, August 6

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV March 19th through 25th, 1983

G’day, g’day, it’s Quokka UTV time! Yours truly, Byron the Quokka, cluing you in–

And by the way, somehow that punk Joe Collidge got more views than I did last week, and we mustn’t let that happen ever again, must we?

Meanwhile, some samples of our weekend offerings.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   JET-SKI DERBY –Game show/justifiable homicide

Celebrities on jet-skis! Annoying celebrities on jet-skis! How many of them can our contestants pick off in half an hour? Tired of the noise, tired of the showing-off? Wait’ll the first rap artiste gets his costly toy shot out from under him! Hostage/Host: Paris Hilton. Analysis: Dr. Phil.

Ch. 16  THE AMAZING GRAVITY BALL!!!–Infomercial for blithering idiots

No matter how high you throw it, it’ll come back down! Drop it from anywhere–and the mysterious force of gravity will draw it straight down! Mystify, impress, bamboozle and wow your friends! And best of all, The Science Is Settled! Featuring H.P. Lovecraft and his orchestra.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 11   NEWS WITH HEINIES–Not deserving of description

(Relax, everybody! No one’s going to moon the audience. It’s just that everybody in this newsroom has the nickname “Heinie.”) Anchorman Heinie Huitzlchotl can’t read the cue cards because he needs new glasses and insists he doesn’t. Weather: Gloria “Heinie” Xing. Sports: Warner “Heinie” Perez.


Schmendrick (Heinie Ryan [Now cut that out!]) notices his parents (June Lockhart, Alvin the Octopus) have been rather short-tempered ever since the June Taylor Dancers (themselves) rented their tool shed and then took over their house. It’s up to Schmendrick and The Mad Postman (Dwight Frye) to get rid of them–but the Postman doesn’t know whether “them” means the dancers or the parents! Tarzan: Richard Simmons.

7:08 P.M.  Ch. 41  MOVIE–For nudists only

In “I Married the Jersey Devil” (Swiss/Filipino, 1976), a hapless farmer (Jackie Chan) sees his daughter (Gracie Allen) marry a misshapen fiend that can fly and terrorize whole counties… and she’s quickly learning bad habits from her husband! Doc Martin: Martin Clunes. Preacher: Bruno Sammartino. Mother Leeds: Sylvia Porter. Song: “I-t’ien Tao Wan” (We have no idea what it means).

2,409 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Well, that ought to set you up for a super-weekend! And it’ll show Joe Collidge who’s boss. If our TV shows can’t beat his stupid college courses, I just give up.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 30

multiple image galleries

G’day! Would you believe it? Next time I do this, it won’t be August anymore!

Byron the Quokka here for Quokka University, with another weekend of fantastic TV viewing that puts the other networks to shame. Here are just a few selections from our menu.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 04   COLLEGE BOLE–Scholastic quiz show

Teams from Pimento University and Acme College square off in a multiple-choice showdown! The question: Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb? The choices: a) Jack Benny b) Gordon MacTavish c) Nobody d) Ramesses II. Host: The Man On The Street (he can’t find the sidewalk).

7 P.M.  Ch. 11  EYEWITLESS NEWS–News & commentary

Alvin the Octopus anchors the program unanimously voted “Worst-Ever TV News Show.” Tonight: “Surgery on Roller Skates” and an interview with several traffic cones. Weather: Felix the Mime. Sports: Two more mimes. Sponsored by Bug-B-Gone Hair Spray.

Ch. 21  HENRY! HENRY!–Puppets

What if Henry VIII had had all six of his wives at the same time? What if chopping their heads off did no good, they’d only stick them back on? This week: Catherine of Aragon accidentally orders too much kitty litter, prompting Anne of Cleves to go berserk with a rolling pin. Special guest star: Woodrow Wilson.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 44  THE PARIAH FAMILY–Sitcom

Tom Smothers stars as Baba Boo-boo, head of the Pariah family that attracts plagues of locusts and lice, financial disaster, apocalyptic weather, and muddled thinking wherever they go. Tonight: Clouds of vampire bats follow the Pariahs to Bunch O’ Burlap Township, Ohio, resulting in complaints. Mayor: Sandy Duncan.

8 P.M.  Ch.36  MOVIE–Paltry excuse for horror and suspense

In “Yumpin’ Yiminy, It Bain de Devil” (Bolivian, 1987), Leo Gorcey and Mikhail Gorbachev lead a Swedish expedition into the unexplored foothills of New Jersey in search of the June Taylor Dancers (played by themselves, with help from a chain gang). Unexpected encounters with pirates and army aunts liven things up! Chief Mooloomoo: Rex Harrison. Witch Doctor: Bud Collier. Tugboat Annie: Shirley Temple.

Well, that should keep you entertained! The first time I saw The Pariah Family, I had nightmares for a week!

Quokka sleeping on park bench.

(Resting up for tonight’s non-stop TV!)