Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 18

ORIGINAL Vintage June 4 1988 TV Guide No Label Howard Cosell Al Michaels |  eBay

(“You will never catch a quokka wearing a rug like that!”)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s awesome TV menu served up to you steaming hot by Quokka University! Here are just a few of these gems:

6:02 P.M.  Ch. 07  THEY CALL IT ‘HAIR’–Celebrity chit-chat

Who’s got the most unconvincing rug in Hollywood? Yeesh, look at that thing Howard Cosell wore in 1988. And they’re worried about women not making it as sportscasters? Try it as a quokka sometime!

6:15 P.M.   Ch. 12  SECRETS OF MY DNA–Science reality TV

How would you like to find out you have horseshoe crab DNA in your body? Join host Polly “the Squid” Amory as she exposes guests as not quite human. Whoever has the wildest DNA wins a part in the new werewolf movie, Lookin’ North and Walkin’ South. 

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 24  NEWS WITH CHILLBLAINS–Experimental

Would TV news be more convincing if the newsies were freezing to death as they reported it? How badly must a reporter’s teeth chatter before he can be credited with inventing a new language? How deep a shade of blue can you get before they have to let you back indoors? Studio located on Solitude Island, Russia… so you know it’s cold up there! Anchor: One of those famous people who sort of disappeared.

7  P.M.   Ch. 46  AT HOME WITH THE SHRIKES–Indefensible sitcom

Reincarnated as human after several lifetimes as savage little birds of prey, Doc and Flimsey Shrike (Walter Brennan, Donna Reed) continue their predatory ways after moving to LaFong Corners, New Jersey. Tonight: Flimsey impulsively devours a Cub Scout leader, necessitating another visit to Jimbo the Lawyer (Gabby Hayes). Special featured attraction: the June Taylor Dancers dance to “Where’s My Coccyx, Sweetheart?”

Well, that’s enough to get you started! Imagine finding out you’ve got spider DNA… and not knowing what kind of spider it is.


Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

“Let me in! I don’t want to miss ‘The Shrikes’!”

Byron the Quokka signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 11

tv guide sears portrait studio 1987

Hiyo, out there, it’s 11-11! And I’m Byron the Quokka, bringing you the best in television from Quokka University, home of the 1989 West Australia Pick-Up Stix champions. Here’s the merest sample of the sublime greatness we have in store for you!

6:45 P.M.   Ch. 03  YOUR LAST COMMERCIAL–Dark melodrama

Hey! “Dark melodrama” is a tautology! “Melo” means “dark.” (I’m glad we’ve got that out of the way, it was a stone in my shoe. So to speak. No, I have not forgotten that quokkas don’t wear shoes. It was a figure of speech.) Bounty hunter Chad Przwalski (Charles Bronson) hunts down actors, directors, and writers who make TV commercials. Then they make no more.

Ch. 07

‘YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL!’ NEWS–(Just what it sounds like)

Don’t bother telling anchorman Bombley Twombly “Don’t talk with your mouth full of cereal!”–This is the show for people who want to say they watch the news, but don’t really want to watch it at all. Sports: Babblin’ Bob Burnoose. Weather: Sally McNally. You’ll be lucky if you understand six words of the entire broadcast!

7 P.M.  Ch. 42  LEAVE IT TO MAGO–Sitcom

What happens when a freak solar storm whisks a family of ancient Carthaginians to the suburban township of Cthulhu Corners, New Jersey? Not to worry! Twelve-year-old Mago, boy genius, gets them through one crisis after another! This week: The police want to know about that idol of Moloch in the “Smith” back yard–and the disappearances among neighborhood children. Sgt. Muldoon: Andre the Giant.


Shakespeare said “All the world’s a stage,” and surely was thinking about finger puppets when he said it. Tonight, the Famous Finger-Folk perform the Bard’s classic comedy inside a shoebox! You’ll need to sit real close to the TV set to see and hear it–but do you really have anything better to do?

Well, folks, that’s about that! I love those finger puppets–you should’ve seen them do “Julius Caesar.”

Stuttgart, Germany. 19th July, 2023. A quokka from Australia sits in its  indoor enclosure upon arrival at Wilhelma in Stuttgart. Several quokkas  move into the new Australian world Terra Australis at Wilhema,

Make sure you’ve got leafy treats handy! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 14

The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 5: 1982! | Branded in  the 80s

G’day out there! Byron the Quokka here, with weekend TV that’ll make you think you died and went… [pause] … well, never mind! Just enjoy it. Here are a few samples.

4:06 P.M.  Ch. 08  EMERGENCY BROADCAST–Missing celebrities

The June Taylor Dancers have gone missing! What, all of them? That’s right, the hole kit ‘n’ kaboodle. Join host Bao Dai (remember him? Gold star if you do!) as he fields hot tips phoned in by the seven audience members. Theme song: “Hold My Coccyx”

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 14  NUDE BASKETBALL–(Don’t worry, all the naughty stuff is blurred out)

The Addis Ababba Redshirts–they don’t wear any shirts, of course–take on the Union City Mandrills at Pong Arena, Greenland. Losers have to go outside! Play-by-play: That woman from Wal-Mart. Color: Senor Wences.


This week’s outing has it all! William the Trained Lobster! A very angry Cyclops! A mailman who can sing 1960s protest songs backward! And of course Jimmy himself, trying to escape. Brought to you by Snuffy’s Crunchy Critters (don’t ask).

5 P.M.  Ch. 88   THE MAN CALLED XYXSTER–Western, probably

E.M. Forster stars as Nick Xyxster, who wanders the Old West looking for the man who gave him a hot foot 20 years ago. Tonight: Death  (Mickey Rooney) challenges Nick to a game of chess. At stake: the legendary Lost Gold Mine of Odd Ogg (himself).

That should hold you for the weekend! Here on Rottnest Island, we’re all wondering where the June Taylor Dancers will turn up next.

Mother And Baby Quokka Eating Green Twigs Cute Quokkas On Rottnest Island  Western Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now

Aunt Feezy and Cousin Lindy chow down before watching their favorite shows.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 23

TV Guide 10-16 September 1966

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with TV like you won’t believe, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a slight sampling of this weekend’s offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 42  2008 MISS DUCK-BILL PAGEANT–Beauty contest

Judges Sandy Duncan and Toshiro Mifune try to decide which duck-billed platypus shall wear the crown! We have added exclamation points to stave off boredom! Intermission: the June Taylor Dancers done up as dancing duckbills!

Ch. 56   NEWS WITH NIGHT TERRORS–(To help you stay awake)

The Channel 56 News Crew, aka “the Body Bags,” have collected the most grisly, gruesome news stories and aimed them right at you: scare your pants off, no foolin’. You might never sleep again… once the Boyly Street Ear-Biting Strangler is spotted in your neighborhood. Anchor: Richard Simmons.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 06   BATTLESHIP BINGO–Game show, sort of

They laughed when Austria re-activated its legendary battleship, the ORS Scheiffenhausendonnerwetter, but they’re not laughing now: “Bingo On Board the ORS Scheiffenhausendonnervetter With Guns Blazing” is now the No. 1 hit show in EU countries that still have battleships! Host: Shamus Flannagan. Featured: Very large insects as hors d’oeuvres. (Spell that right and win your own battleship)

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Excursion into rare Kazakhstan folklore

We were lucky to get Yorgi and the Stinking Vampires (Kazakh-Indian, 1998: 716 minutes and 12 seconds): only 14 copies of it survive. Often praised as Olffy Watermelon’s directorial masterpiece, we all know the story of the nomad princess who wanted to be a charter boat captain but couldn’t, because of vampires. Col. Yevtukov: Jim Swink. Wise Woman: Sharleen Fong.

Well, that should be enough to get you started. It’s certainly enough for me.

93 Quokka Eating Leaf Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Nothing like a nice green leaf to get you through a movie! Byron the Quokka, signing off.


Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 26

TV Guide Magazine | Southern California Edition Listings for… | Flickr

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with the TV programs no one else in the world can offer! Here, take a sample of this weekend’s menu.

8 P.M.  Ch. 09   TRAIN YOUR PET GILA MONSTER!–(It’s just what it sounds like)

Jim “Stumpy” Patterson takes you through his patented ways of dealing with a disagreeable lizard with a very powerful–and poisonous!–bite.  This week: “Can your fingers be sewed back on?”


Corky (Abdul al-Hazred) wants to enter the soapbox derby, but Granddad (Artie Shaw) needs the soap boxes to conceal his crimes. Moderator: Ruth Buzzi. Usher: Roderick Usher, from the House of Usher.

8:15 P.M.   Ch. 32  MOVIE–Drama about a bald guy with hair

William Shatner plays a lovestruck Turkish poet in 19th-century Dayton, Ohio, in “The Legend of the Lovestruck Poet” (Japanese-Jamaican, 1974: 16 minutes). Cast of thousands includes Charlton Heston, Ethel Merman, Jane Fonda, and Hector Blah. Watch out for Francis Bacon’s cameo!

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 26   I WED THWEE WIVES–Drama

Soupy Sales stars as Einar Skjatisifusson, Iceland’s most notorious bigamist, for whom three wives (Lynda Carter, Heather Locklear, Candice Bergen) were never quite enough. How many more can he marry before it catches up to him? Alfred Hitchcock and Elmer Bernstein sued each other over which of them would direct this film. Hitchcock won; Bernstein directed it.

Whew! What great TV shows! I read this list to Aunt Feezy and she fainted in her tracks!

Two marsupial quokkas on the back porch of a house in ...

Here she is, though, so I guess she’ll be all right. Byron the Quokka, signing off.



Byron’s TV Listings (Aug. 5)

TV Guide October 31-Nov 6 1981 (1) - Flashbak

Greetings, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV, guaranteed to break out into euphoria. Here’s a sample of our menu:

2:37 P.M.  Ch. 86  MOVIE–Drama like you wouldn’t believe

What if Hamlet (Don Wilson), instead of being Prince of Denmark, was a Wall Street trader with a dodgy coccyx? In “Float My Boat, Forsooth,” (Russian, with Flemish subtitles, 1977, 455 minutes) Hamlet and Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone’s barber) team up to cheat the IRS–which they think stands for the Icelandic Rug Society. Dr. Spinach: Mary Worth.

2:45 P.M.  Ch. 08   BASEBALL: YANKEES vs. LUNATICS–Sports

Join Otto Hackengnauer and Kaluma Ha’ayona in the broadcast booth for this New York City baseball showdown! Can barking-at-the-moon nut-cases defeat a team of overpriced free agents who’ve seen better days… a long time ago? Pre-game show: Man being chased by spiders.


What happens when you mix nervous, even terrified contestants with heavy machinery that might not be safe to use? Pure mayhem, pure fun! Join host Jane Lizard and the June Taylor Dancers as they cart off the wounded. Featured: Oskar the Human Sausage and his band, The Grifters.

Ch. 33  LEAVE IT TO SMEDLY–Unwholesome sitcom

When a family of skinwalkers move into Amunhotep Township, New Jersey, younger son Smedly (Jimmy Putin) puts everyone at risk by changing into a monster halfway through his 5th grade Social Studies class. Ms. Hogment (Maggie Smith). Little girl who’s worse than a skinwalker: Name Withheld.

4 P.M.  Ch. 60   NEWS WITH UNCLE GESUNT–News, sort of

Now the popular kids’ show host anchors his own news show! Pitched to three-year-olds, Uncle Gesunt uses baby-talk to report appalling news from all over the world! And also lots of exclamation points! Special feature for adults: Mizz Debbie’s Happy Drinks!

I’m sure those are enough to get you started. I don’t know about you, but those skinwalkers crack me up. They wouldn’t last ten minutes in our Outback.

Is the Quokka a Real Animal? |

Say hello to my cousins, Omar and Lucy–big fans of “Dangerous Machinery”!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 29

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1970

G’day, fellow TV connasoors! (Betcha didn’t think I could spell that.) Welcome to another weekend of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka… with some samples from our menu.

7 P.M.  Ch. 02   PUPPET NEWS–News & commentary

If you always thought the nightly news would be much more entertaining if it was done by puppets instead of people, this here is the news show for you! It’s the show that made Draco the Mosquito a star. Anchors: Juppy the Rug Monster and Ms. Flyne with the enormous floppy ears.

Ch. 10  FIND THE ANTIDOTE!–Highly dangerous game show

What kind of risk would you take to earn $35, tax-free? Join host Claude “Down On His Luck” Akins and the June Taylor Dancers as frantic contestants try to find the antidote before they get really sick! Special guest: William Saroyan.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 14  THE BIZARRE COUPLE–Sitcom, with stoic overtones

Can a meter reader who thinks he’s a starfish share an apartment with a man who really is a starfish but thinks he’s a meter reader? Ronnie: Some guy we hired off the street. Lonnie: William Conrad. Bonnie: Patti Play-Pal.

8 P.M.  Ch. 27  SEYONG YOI, U.S. MARSHAL–Eastern Western

Lou Albano stars as Marshal Yoi in this first-ever Korean Western, shot entirely on location in Paterson, New Jersey. This week: Mayor Park Chan Chai (Alan Alda) and rancher Jee Ring Yo (Sandra Dee) get held for ransom by the Manchus. Big Manchu with chip on his shoulder: Peter Falk.

Ch. 43  MOVIE–Incredible work of exculpatory art

In “Oops, Comrade, My Bad!” (Soviet Union, 1994 [they didn’t know it collapsed 3 years earlier, they were so busy making this movie]), an American rock star (Lawrence Welk [don’t ask]) takes over the city of Yakutsk and gives crazy pills to the chief of the Secret Police (Tony Dow). As usual, The Party triumphs over all obstacles… except the real ones. Mrs. O’Hoolihan: Hana Mandlikova.

That ought to whet your appetite, eh! Honest, folks, I watched all of these and am a better quokka for it.

How Quokkas Selfies Help Their Population Bounce Back

Here’s me with this nice guy who sold me a time share!


Byron’s TV Listings (Guaranteed Funny!), July 22

TV Guide 10-16 September 1966

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with more fabulous TV rescued from oblivion by Quokka University! (Don’t ask me how they do that!) Here’s just a small token of the transcendant viewing pleasure awaiting you this weekend:


Host Soupy Sales interviews Professor Sven Gilhooley, who claims to have discovered a Neanderthal joke book written in Yiddish, dating back to 349,000 B.C. What’s the oldest joke in the world? Tune in and find out!

Ch. 14   THE FAILED FISHERMAN–Sports reality show

Joaquin Splatt is world-famous as the fisherman who never catches anything. No matter how bad you are, you’re better than he is! Tonight: Joaquin hooks himself in the thumb and winds up with his pants down–on a crowded fishing pier. Highly embarrassing! Commentary: Julia Child.

7:30 P.M.  INSANELY ENTHUSIASTIC NEWS–News & commentary

Anchormen and women dance on their desktops as they report news that doesn’t affect anyone else that way–but here it’s an occasion. Every item is met with extravagant rejoicing! Special tonight: Reporter Hans Dollop is run over by a truck while standing on his head on the freeway to celebrate Cleopatra’s birthday.

Ch. 62   KAMIKAZE SHOPPING–Game show

How fast do you dare to push your shopping cart down the dairy lane? How about playing “chicken” among the ladies’ footwear? And then comes the paintball in the aisles with the canned goods! Host: Some guy on drugs. Special obstacle: The June Taylor Dancers (hit one with your cart, and they get to kick you).

8 P.M.  Ch. 34  MOVIE–(Not what you expected!)

In A Boy’s Own Volcano (Serbo-Haitian, 1997: 462 minutes), two rambunctious teens (Basil Rathbone, Phyllis Diller) explore a volcanic tube that the natives of a New Jersey town say leads to another dimension full of gargoyles. Dr. Bogoff: Eugene Levy. Lady Gesundheit: (She wears a mask, so we don’t know who it is.) Song: Kaboom! Goes My Coccyx.

Well, folks, you can’t say there’s anyone else who brings you television like that!

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 | Shutterstock

Let me in! It’s time for “Kamikaze Shopper”!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 1

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1976

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with star-splangled TV for your 4th of July weekend! And when you’re done watching… why not become a model?

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  WELCOME BACK, STUPID–Comedy (with tragic overtones)

Take a wrong turn, and back you go to high school! This week: Spunky (Debbie Reynolds) and Gargoyle (Howard Duff) wake up to find themselves trapped in Ho-Hum High–and the school bully (Linda Hunt) is out to get them! Principal: Some old Greek guy whose name we forgot.

Ch. 26  NEWS WITH DAN RATHERNOT–Just what it seems

News with a hysterical studio audience! Instant feedback! Watch Dan duck as shoes, coffee cups, and sardine cans are thrown at him. Sports: Phyllis Willis, trying to be heard above the boos. Weather: Tongue-tied Tim. Sponsored by 20-Mule Team Borax!

8 P.M.  Ch. 08   MOVIE–Pitfalls of the paranormal

In How’s That Ziggurat Coming Along?, two ancient Babylonian punsters (Bob Hope, Bing Crosby) get sucked into the 23rd century, where they don’t know anyone. This ground-breaking Saudi Arabian science-fiction thriller offers 205 minutes of thoroughly unconvincing Bob and Bing stand-ins. Theme song: “1,999 Barrels of Beer on the Wall.”

Ch. 51  SEND ‘EM UP THE RIVER!–Courtroom drama

The judge (Alf Landon) can’t hear, the D.A. (Florence Henderson) can’t speak clearly, and the jury is usually drunk–and somehow justice doesn’t get done! This week: Serial murder suspect (Tab Hunter) gets bored with his trial and just walks out! Song: “Jennifer Juniper”

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 58  CHESS FOR LIVESTOCK–Educational

Do you have a chicken who can play the King’s Gambit? A cow who’s never lost a game? Or maybe a goat who won’t accept a draw? Really, who wants to watch a bunch of human nerds play chess when you can watch farm animals instead? This week: Bunny turns the tables on the French Defense. Host: Pinky Lee.

Well, that’s all this and more! What a great TV weekend’s shaping up for you!

5 Strange Facts About Quokkas - The New York Times

My nephew, Faizie–he’s got the best seat in the house.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 24

multiple image galleries

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a sample of our menu:

7 P.M.  Ch. 36  WRONG CHOICE!–Game show & propaganda

Everyone has the freedom to make the right choice–but heaven help you if you choose wrong! Learn how to make right choices by watching what happens to contestants who choose wrong! Host: Matilda Ringworm. Sponsored by the FBI!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 16  SKINWALKER THEATER–Drama

Is your town overrun by skinwalkers? Hire a pair of skinwalkers to catch the skinwalkers! This week: Skinny (Del Crandall) and Walkie (Barbara Billingsly) hunt down a ring of skinwalkers who terrorize the local Stop & Shop. Store manager: Mandy Lifeboatz.


This experimental cartoon show, geared to adults who hardly deserve the title, centers on a family of laundry thieves in a town that has no laundromat. Silent voice-overs by Marcel Marceau kind of thinned out the ratings. But many viewers locked up their laundry after watching an episode or two.

8 P.M.  Ch. 06   ‘YONGARI, MONSTER FROM THE DEEP’ MEETS ‘THE SEVENTH SEAL’–Incredibly creative existentialist drama

What do you get when you mix a Japanese-South Korean monster movie with a murky black-and-white Swedish thingy by Ingmar Bergman? You get 144 minutes of navel-contemplating mayhem! Special guest star: Pee Wee Herman. Not-so-special guest star: the owl trainer from What To Do When Your Pets Don’t Like You.

And that’s that! Digging up these shows is hard work! I’d better settle down and watch a few of them.

Sleepy Quokka | Happy animals, Quokka, Cute animals

Gotta sleep sometime! Byron the Quokka, signing off… zzzzzzz….