Tag: crazy TV listings

G’day out there! Byron the Quokka here, with weekend TV that’ll make you think you died and went… [pause] … well, never mind! Just enjoy it. Here are a few samples.

4:06 P.M.  Ch. 08  EMERGENCY BROADCAST–Missing celebrities

The June Taylor Dancers have gone missing! What, all of them? That’s right, the hole kit ‘n’ kaboodle. Join host Bao Dai (remember him? Gold star if you do!) as he fields hot tips phoned in by the seven audience members. Theme song: “Hold My Coccyx”

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 14  NUDE BASKETBALL–(Don’t worry, all the naughty stuff is blurred out)

The Addis Ababba Redshirts–they don’t wear any shirts, of course–take on the Union City Mandrills at Pong Arena, Greenland. Losers have to go outside! Play-by-play: That woman from Wal-Mart. Color: Senor Wences.

Ch. 51   JIMMY FRAUD’S VARIETY HOUR

This week’s outing has it all! William the Trained Lobster! A very angry Cyclops! A mailman who can sing 1960s protest songs backward! And of course Jimmy himself, trying to escape. Brought to you by Snuffy’s Crunchy Critters (don’t ask).

5 P.M.  Ch. 88   THE MAN CALLED XYXSTER–Western, probably

E.M. Forster stars as Nick Xyxster, who wanders the Old West looking for the man who gave him a hot foot 20 years ago. Tonight: Death  (Mickey Rooney) challenges Nick to a game of chess. At stake: the legendary Lost Gold Mine of Odd Ogg (himself).

That should hold you for the weekend! Here on Rottnest Island, we’re all wondering where the June Taylor Dancers will turn up next.

Aunt Feezy and Cousin Lindy chow down before watching their favorite shows.

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with TV like you won’t believe, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a slight sampling of this weekend’s offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 42  2008 MISS DUCK-BILL PAGEANT–Beauty contest

Judges Sandy Duncan and Toshiro Mifune try to decide which duck-billed platypus shall wear the crown! We have added exclamation points to stave off boredom! Intermission: the June Taylor Dancers done up as dancing duckbills!

Ch. 56   NEWS WITH NIGHT TERRORS–(To help you stay awake)

The Channel 56 News Crew, aka “the Body Bags,” have collected the most grisly, gruesome news stories and aimed them right at you: scare your pants off, no foolin’. You might never sleep again… once the Boyly Street Ear-Biting Strangler is spotted in your neighborhood. Anchor: Richard Simmons.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 06   BATTLESHIP BINGO–Game show, sort of

They laughed when Austria re-activated its legendary battleship, the ORS Scheiffenhausendonnerwetter, but they’re not laughing now: “Bingo On Board the ORS Scheiffenhausendonnervetter With Guns Blazing” is now the No. 1 hit show in EU countries that still have battleships! Host: Shamus Flannagan. Featured: Very large insects as hors d’oeuvres. (Spell that right and win your own battleship)

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Excursion into rare Kazakhstan folklore

We were lucky to get Yorgi and the Stinking Vampires (Kazakh-Indian, 1998: 716 minutes and 12 seconds): only 14 copies of it survive. Often praised as Olffy Watermelon’s directorial masterpiece, we all know the story of the nomad princess who wanted to be a charter boat captain but couldn’t, because of vampires. Col. Yevtukov: Jim Swink. Wise Woman: Sharleen Fong.

Well, that should be enough to get you started. It’s certainly enough for me.

Nothing like a nice green leaf to get you through a movie! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with the TV programs no one else in the world can offer! Here, take a sample of this weekend’s menu.

8 P.M.  Ch. 09   TRAIN YOUR PET GILA MONSTER!–(It’s just what it sounds like)

Jim “Stumpy” Patterson takes you through his patented ways of dealing with a disagreeable lizard with a very powerful–and poisonous!–bite.  This week: “Can your fingers be sewed back on?”

Ch. 14   THE SCHMENDRICKSONS–Sitcom

Corky (Abdul al-Hazred) wants to enter the soapbox derby, but Granddad (Artie Shaw) needs the soap boxes to conceal his crimes. Moderator: Ruth Buzzi. Usher: Roderick Usher, from the House of Usher.

8:15 P.M.   Ch. 32  MOVIE–Drama about a bald guy with hair

William Shatner plays a lovestruck Turkish poet in 19th-century Dayton, Ohio, in “The Legend of the Lovestruck Poet” (Japanese-Jamaican, 1974: 16 minutes). Cast of thousands includes Charlton Heston, Ethel Merman, Jane Fonda, and Hector Blah. Watch out for Francis Bacon’s cameo!

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 26   I WED THWEE WIVES–Drama

Soupy Sales stars as Einar Skjatisifusson, Iceland’s most notorious bigamist, for whom three wives (Lynda Carter, Heather Locklear, Candice Bergen) were never quite enough. How many more can he marry before it catches up to him? Alfred Hitchcock and Elmer Bernstein sued each other over which of them would direct this film. Hitchcock won; Bernstein directed it.

Whew! What great TV shows! I read this list to Aunt Feezy and she fainted in her tracks!

Here she is, though, so I guess she’ll be all right. Byron the Quokka, signing off.

G’day, fellow TV connasoors! (Betcha didn’t think I could spell that.) Welcome to another weekend of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka… with some samples from our menu.

7 P.M.  Ch. 02   PUPPET NEWS–News & commentary

If you always thought the nightly news would be much more entertaining if it was done by puppets instead of people, this here is the news show for you! It’s the show that made Draco the Mosquito a star. Anchors: Juppy the Rug Monster and Ms. Flyne with the enormous floppy ears.

Ch. 10  FIND THE ANTIDOTE!–Highly dangerous game show

What kind of risk would you take to earn $35, tax-free? Join host Claude “Down On His Luck” Akins and the June Taylor Dancers as frantic contestants try to find the antidote before they get really sick! Special guest: William Saroyan.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 14  THE BIZARRE COUPLE–Sitcom, with stoic overtones

Can a meter reader who thinks he’s a starfish share an apartment with a man who really is a starfish but thinks he’s a meter reader? Ronnie: Some guy we hired off the street. Lonnie: William Conrad. Bonnie: Patti Play-Pal.

8 P.M.  Ch. 27  SEYONG YOI, U.S. MARSHAL–Eastern Western

Lou Albano stars as Marshal Yoi in this first-ever Korean Western, shot entirely on location in Paterson, New Jersey. This week: Mayor Park Chan Chai (Alan Alda) and rancher Jee Ring Yo (Sandra Dee) get held for ransom by the Manchus. Big Manchu with chip on his shoulder: Peter Falk.

Ch. 43  MOVIE–Incredible work of exculpatory art

In “Oops, Comrade, My Bad!” (Soviet Union, 1994 [they didn’t know it collapsed 3 years earlier, they were so busy making this movie]), an American rock star (Lawrence Welk [don’t ask]) takes over the city of Yakutsk and gives crazy pills to the chief of the Secret Police (Tony Dow). As usual, The Party triumphs over all obstacles… except the real ones. Mrs. O’Hoolihan: Hana Mandlikova.

That ought to whet your appetite, eh! Honest, folks, I watched all of these and am a better quokka for it.

Here’s me with this nice guy who sold me a time share!

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with more fabulous TV rescued from oblivion by Quokka University! (Don’t ask me how they do that!) Here’s just a small token of the transcendant viewing pleasure awaiting you this weekend:

7 P.M.  Ch. 03  ASTOUNDING AMAZING DISCOVERIES–Science

Host Soupy Sales interviews Professor Sven Gilhooley, who claims to have discovered a Neanderthal joke book written in Yiddish, dating back to 349,000 B.C. What’s the oldest joke in the world? Tune in and find out!

Ch. 14   THE FAILED FISHERMAN–Sports reality show

Joaquin Splatt is world-famous as the fisherman who never catches anything. No matter how bad you are, you’re better than he is! Tonight: Joaquin hooks himself in the thumb and winds up with his pants down–on a crowded fishing pier. Highly embarrassing! Commentary: Julia Child.

7:30 P.M.  INSANELY ENTHUSIASTIC NEWS–News & commentary

Anchormen and women dance on their desktops as they report news that doesn’t affect anyone else that way–but here it’s an occasion. Every item is met with extravagant rejoicing! Special tonight: Reporter Hans Dollop is run over by a truck while standing on his head on the freeway to celebrate Cleopatra’s birthday.

Ch. 62   KAMIKAZE SHOPPING–Game show

How fast do you dare to push your shopping cart down the dairy lane? How about playing “chicken” among the ladies’ footwear? And then comes the paintball in the aisles with the canned goods! Host: Some guy on drugs. Special obstacle: The June Taylor Dancers (hit one with your cart, and they get to kick you).

8 P.M.  Ch. 34  MOVIE–(Not what you expected!)

In A Boy’s Own Volcano (Serbo-Haitian, 1997: 462 minutes), two rambunctious teens (Basil Rathbone, Phyllis Diller) explore a volcanic tube that the natives of a New Jersey town say leads to another dimension full of gargoyles. Dr. Bogoff: Eugene Levy. Lady Gesundheit: (She wears a mask, so we don’t know who it is.) Song: Kaboom! Goes My Coccyx.

Well, folks, you can’t say there’s anyone else who brings you television like that!

Let me in! It’s time for “Kamikaze Shopper”!

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with star-splangled TV for your 4th of July weekend! And when you’re done watching… why not become a model?

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  WELCOME BACK, STUPID–Comedy (with tragic overtones)

Take a wrong turn, and back you go to high school! This week: Spunky (Debbie Reynolds) and Gargoyle (Howard Duff) wake up to find themselves trapped in Ho-Hum High–and the school bully (Linda Hunt) is out to get them! Principal: Some old Greek guy whose name we forgot.

Ch. 26  NEWS WITH DAN RATHERNOT–Just what it seems

News with a hysterical studio audience! Instant feedback! Watch Dan duck as shoes, coffee cups, and sardine cans are thrown at him. Sports: Phyllis Willis, trying to be heard above the boos. Weather: Tongue-tied Tim. Sponsored by 20-Mule Team Borax!

8 P.M.  Ch. 08   MOVIE–Pitfalls of the paranormal

In How’s That Ziggurat Coming Along?, two ancient Babylonian punsters (Bob Hope, Bing Crosby) get sucked into the 23rd century, where they don’t know anyone. This ground-breaking Saudi Arabian science-fiction thriller offers 205 minutes of thoroughly unconvincing Bob and Bing stand-ins. Theme song: “1,999 Barrels of Beer on the Wall.”

Ch. 51  SEND ‘EM UP THE RIVER!–Courtroom drama

The judge (Alf Landon) can’t hear, the D.A. (Florence Henderson) can’t speak clearly, and the jury is usually drunk–and somehow justice doesn’t get done! This week: Serial murder suspect (Tab Hunter) gets bored with his trial and just walks out! Song: “Jennifer Juniper”

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 58  CHESS FOR LIVESTOCK–Educational

Do you have a chicken who can play the King’s Gambit? A cow who’s never lost a game? Or maybe a goat who won’t accept a draw? Really, who wants to watch a bunch of human nerds play chess when you can watch farm animals instead? This week: Bunny turns the tables on the French Defense. Host: Pinky Lee.

Well, that’s all this and more! What a great TV weekend’s shaping up for you!

My nephew, Faizie–he’s got the best seat in the house.