G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with more fabulous TV rescued from oblivion by Quokka University! (Don’t ask me how they do that!) Here’s just a small token of the transcendant viewing pleasure awaiting you this weekend:
7 P.M. Ch. 03 ASTOUNDING AMAZING DISCOVERIES–Science
Host Soupy Sales interviews Professor Sven Gilhooley, who claims to have discovered a Neanderthal joke book written in Yiddish, dating back to 349,000 B.C. What’s the oldest joke in the world? Tune in and find out!
Ch. 14 THE FAILED FISHERMAN–Sports reality show
Joaquin Splatt is world-famous as the fisherman who never catches anything. No matter how bad you are, you’re better than he is! Tonight: Joaquin hooks himself in the thumb and winds up with his pants down–on a crowded fishing pier. Highly embarrassing! Commentary: Julia Child.
7:30 P.M. INSANELY ENTHUSIASTIC NEWS–News & commentary
Anchormen and women dance on their desktops as they report news that doesn’t affect anyone else that way–but here it’s an occasion. Every item is met with extravagant rejoicing! Special tonight: Reporter Hans Dollop is run over by a truck while standing on his head on the freeway to celebrate Cleopatra’s birthday.
Ch. 62 KAMIKAZE SHOPPING–Game show
How fast do you dare to push your shopping cart down the dairy lane? How about playing “chicken” among the ladies’ footwear? And then comes the paintball in the aisles with the canned goods! Host: Some guy on drugs. Special obstacle: The June Taylor Dancers (hit one with your cart, and they get to kick you).
8 P.M. Ch. 34 MOVIE–(Not what you expected!)
In A Boy’s Own Volcano (Serbo-Haitian, 1997: 462 minutes), two rambunctious teens (Basil Rathbone, Phyllis Diller) explore a volcanic tube that the natives of a New Jersey town say leads to another dimension full of gargoyles. Dr. Bogoff: Eugene Levy. Lady Gesundheit: (She wears a mask, so we don’t know who it is.) Song: Kaboom! Goes My Coccyx.
Well, folks, you can’t say there’s anyone else who brings you television like that!
Let me in! It’s time for “Kamikaze Shopper”!