With old SloJo looking creakier and woozier by the day, Democrats are scrambling to find a presidential candidate they can plug in at the last minute and still win the 2024 election. They have tons of potential candidates, but none of them seems quite able to light the voters’ fire.
According to a party bigwig who wishes to remain anonymous, the election’s still in the bag no matter what they do. “After all we’ve learned from the 2020 election,” he said, “there’s no way we lose in 2024. I’ll go so far as to say it doesn’t matter who we run! In fact, I’m willing to run a potted plant!”
A potted plant has many advantages over a human candidate, he explained. “We’re talking no enemies, no record of failed policies, no gaffes, no skeletons in the closet–nothing that can possibly hurt its chances of election! And the best part of it is, all those lovely people who run the Oval Office behind the scenes will still be there, still running the country. They ain’t goin’ anywhere!”
We have been unable to get a response from any potted plant with which we have requested an interview.