G’day, buoys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of glorious TV, courtesy of Quokka University. We hunt down the programs that none of the other networks dare to show! Like these, for instance.
6:30 P.M. Ch. 42 DRACULA WANNABES–Interviews
At last! Genuine, dyed-in-the-wool idiots who want to be vampires–or who think they are already. Dan Rather, choking back the sobs, interviews them while inwardly lamenting that his career should have ever come to this. Assistant host Stombo the Clown reminds him, “All your fault, Danny Boy!”
6:52 P.M. Ch. 16 FOOTBALL FOR SLOW FAT GUYS–Sports (sort of)
The St. Louis Tons Of Fun take on the Tahiti Whales in the climactic game of the World Fat Football League’s first season. Tons Of Fun linebacker Happy Hooper has sworn to “massacre” Whales’ quarterback Yupu “The Glacier” Upuna, if he can catch him. (This would be the first time a massacre had only one victim.)
7 P.M. Ch. 08 EAT WHAT CELEBRITIES WON’T!–Cooking show
Bill Gates wants to sell you maggot milk, but don’t hold your breath waiting for him to drink it himself. This week: Climate Czar John Effing Kerry pushes Sidewalk Sweepings–“They may taste bad, but I’m sure you can afford them! Save the planet: eat dirt!” Host: Some guy who won’t give his name.
Ch. 61 MOVIE–(Not what you’d expect from sane people!)
In Big Scary Space Aliens with Iconic Ray-Guns (Etruscan, 2022), Yi-Wan Fong stars as a Ming Dynasty potato enthusiast who makes a disturbing discovery! This was special effects director Hobie Landrith’s first and last movie. Be ready to spot a former Speaker of the House face-down in a bird bath.
Well, do these examples ignite your imagination, or not? (If not, please remember it’s Lee’s fault, not mine.)
Wait’ll you see what happens when I squeeze my cheeks! Byron the Quokka, signing off!
“ Be ready to spot a former Speaker of the House face-down in a bird bath.”
I’d pay to see that.