Fake Things to Worry About

The Dark History Behind Ouija Boards

From the makers of Acme False Facts (TM)!

Why worry about real things, when you can worry about things that are not real? I mean, the best thing about totally imaginary threats is that they are totally imaginary. That means no one can disprove them.

Here are a few samples from our first card set, “Fake Stuff to Worry About.” Note: These are not conspiracy theories! These are purely to impress other people. Somehow.

*The National Weather Service uses ouija boards to predict the weather. All that other stuff is just for show.

*Joe Biden died of natural causes in 2017. The “Joe Biden” we see on TV is a robot with a few bugs in it. As long as it doesn’t get rained on, it’ll be okay.

*Climate Change is “real” and we’re all gonna die horribly unless we have a World Government with undreamed-of powers to control everybody’s lives and money.

*Invisible UFOs have been seen hovering over the New York Times building. The persons who saw them then disappeared.

*Donald Trump colluded with skinwalkers to keep Michael Bloomberg from being named Pope.

You don’t have to be genuinely worried about this stuff. After all, that’d mean you were crazy. But to bring these out in a deeply solemn tone of voice, with just the right Elisha Cook Jr. look in your eyes–you’ll be amazed how seriously people take you.

Elisha Cook Jr. - Wikipedia (Like this!)

You might even land a job as a nooze anchor!

 

 

Encore: ‘How to Keep a Toddler from Going Up the Stairs’

The angry dog breed sheltie | Angry dog, Dogs, Sheltie

I have to write a Newswithviews column, but first… a little fun.

How to Keep a Toddler from Going Up the Stairs

How did my grandma ever think of this ploy? It really worked! What? Go up the stairs–with the Mick-Mock up there waiting for me? Not a chance!

But I find myself wondering if any more of our fears are, like the Mick-Mock, just something that somebody made up to keep us from doing whatever they didn’t want us to do. Think… oh… Climate Change.