G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of axolotl-affirming television, suitable for all ages but 7 and 32. The sages at Quokka University hunted high and low for these! Here’s a sample.
6:49 P.M. Ch. 04 WILD BILL SCHIMMELPFENNIG–Western drama
What do you get when the most lawless town in the West gets a new sheriff who’s a German immigrant, doesn’t speak a word of English, was trying to get to Hungary but wound up in Arizona, is deathly afraid of guns, and very easily bribed? Watch the series to find out! Schimmelpfennig: Jimmy-Bob Perez. Mayor Schadenfreude: Jay Gatsby.
7 P.M. Ch. 08 NEWS WITH OTTO BLOTTO–(Exactly what you’d expect)
The nation’s most popular news show! “Makes 60 Minutes look like a horse’s backside!” trills critic Fong Hsueh-ting. Who knew the news could be so much fun if everybody in the studio was spinning-around, falling-down, nose-to-the-ground plastered? Brought to you by 20-Mule Team Borax. You can’t drink that!
7:11 P. M. Ch. 18 MOVIE–RATED ‘R’ for ‘Ruin’
Bismal Pictures went bankrupt on this one! Not a rupee left in the vault. You’ll understand when you see it: Selassie the Wonder Dog (Italian-Moroccan, 1996: 59 minutes). The dog is actually a small man in an unconvincing costume, whose gestures and “barks” are more like those of a tree frog. Special guest star Roderick Usher ruined his career with this and had to be buried alive. Directed by a trained seal!
7:30 P.M. Ch. 45 DANCING FOR DOLLARS–Sort of a game show
Join the June Taylor Dancers as they try to out-dance people brought in at random from the street! At stake: $500,000 prize money (divided up 500,000 ways, but we don’t care about that, do we?). This week’s challenge: a man who looks just like Fred Astaire, but claims to be a Viking. Host/emcee: Kindergarten teacher Ms. Frances Grabby… with T. S. Eliot impersonator.
Well, folks, how do you like that? Is that television or is that television!
I wonder if anyone would mind if I took that bike in the background for a joy ride?
Byron the Quokka, signing off.