Inspired by New York State’s decision to provide free college tuition to anyone whose family makes less than $125,000 a year, an esteemed progressive think tank has come up with “an even better plan.”
Democrats for Universal, Nice College Education (DUNCE) is now proposing not just free tuition for four years, but a scheme to keep every student enrolled in college until he or she earns a Ph.D.
“Gov. Cuomo is, like, y’know, sooo right when he says that college is the new high school!” said DUNCE People’s Comrade Iza Waiste. “Why stop at a bachelor’s degree–huh? huh!–when you can go on to get a master’s, and then a Ph.D.?
“Can you dig it? Can you imagine it? The whole country, the whole 300 million people, all with Ph.D.’s! It just don’t get more educated than that! And it only takes, what, 15-20-25 years! That’s like no time at all! Even if it takes 30 years, so what, it’s worth it!
“And it’s universal free tuition that makes it all possible. Think of the expansion! Think of all the new professors that we’ll have to hire! Think of the pensions! We’re talking, oh, 60, 70, or even 80 million sitting in our college classrooms every day. Think of all the new degree programs we’ll come up with!”
Asked how many prospective employers would be interested in hiring a 35-year-old Ph.D. in Hispanic Gender Studies for an entry-level job, Comrade Waiste laughed and said, “A few multi-million-dollar civil rights lawsuits will solve that problem in a hurry!”
Asked how the work of the country would get done, with 80 million people tied up all day in college classrooms, Comrade Waiste made a rude noise and ran away.