‘Win a Free Collidge Eddication!’ (2018)

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Washme Hall

Unless my crystal ball has stopped working, we’re soon going to hear a lot of talk about “free college education for all.” What a fabulous idea! But Fimbo College is two years ahead of the curve.

Win a Free Collidge Eddication!

This higher education is practically a guaranteed ticket to a lifetime’s unemployment! And all in return for just a thousand cereal boxtops! That and an official college degree in Gender Studies–what more could you possibly ask?

Now That’s Reparations!

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The Student Government Assn. at Western Kentucky University has passed a resolution that free college tuition ought to be given to “black” students–I put “black” in quotes because they don’t define the term–as reparations for slavery, which ended 150 years ago ( https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/kentucky/articles/2017-04-21/wku-student-government-calls-for-free-tuition-as-reparations ).

And by the way–what kind of reward is a college “education” that blows four or five years of your life to give you a bachelor’s degree in Nothing Studies?

Don’t you just love liberals? They give away other people’s hard-earned money so they can feel good about themselves. You don’t see them ponying up any of their own money.

Maybe I ought to demand reparations from Italy: the Romans enslaved my ancestors. With the interest accruing over 2,000 years, that ought to be a pretty hefty wad of dough.

Another thing that makes liberals feel righteous is stirring up strife among people who would otherwise be at peace with one another. The last thing they want is racial harmony. It would be a calamity for them.

Anyway, there you have it–more proof that America has too many colleges and universities, with way too many people in them, way too much money poured into it, and no longer serves any constructive purpose whatsoever.

Cut the funding now. These ninnies on the WKU Student Government panel need to be out in the real world, working and trying to support themselves. It might teach them a thing or two about cavalierly slinging around other people’s money to indulge a political delusion.

Most Fantastic Education Reform Ever!

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Inspired by New York State’s decision to provide free college tuition to anyone whose family makes less than $125,000 a year, an esteemed progressive think tank has come up with “an even better plan.”

Democrats for Universal, Nice College Education (DUNCE) is now proposing not just free tuition for four years, but a scheme to keep every student enrolled in college until he or she earns a Ph.D.

“Gov. Cuomo is, like, y’know, sooo right when he says that college is the new high school!” said DUNCE People’s Comrade Iza Waiste. “Why stop at a bachelor’s degree–huh? huh!–when you can go on to get a master’s, and then a Ph.D.?

“Can you dig it? Can you imagine it? The whole country, the whole 300 million people, all with Ph.D.’s! It just don’t get more educated than that! And it only takes, what, 15-20-25 years! That’s like no time at all! Even if it takes 30 years, so what, it’s worth it!

“And it’s universal free tuition that makes it all possible. Think of the expansion! Think of all the new professors that we’ll have to hire! Think of the pensions! We’re talking, oh, 60, 70, or even 80 million sitting in our college classrooms every day. Think of all the new degree programs we’ll come up with!”

Asked how many prospective employers would be interested in hiring a 35-year-old Ph.D. in Hispanic Gender Studies for an entry-level job, Comrade Waiste laughed and said, “A few multi-million-dollar civil rights lawsuits will solve that problem in a hurry!”

Asked how the work of the country would get done, with 80 million people tied up all day in college classrooms, Comrade Waiste made a rude noise and ran away.

We Damand E-Qualitty!

Wee has been drawring up “a” List of stodent damands hear At collidge so that evryboddy “wil” be Equill and thare wil “be” no Racism and No more of Whyte Prifflidge!

First thare “must” be Free Tution for evryboddy! You asks howe “that” wil workWell its eeasy! Jist make The Rich “pay” thare fare shair! Yes the Rich thay has got “to” Pay for evrything!

Next evryboddy Has to graddate and Get “which” ever Deegree thay want, attomatacly, evryboddy Who “goes to” Collidge thay get a Deegree.

Next evryboddy thay “get” a A in Evry corse! That way noboddy he feeels bad, thay all Makes “the” Deens List and graddates With honners!

Next iff yiu cant make It “to” collidge yiu can jist say What deegree it Is yiu whant and thay Wil male it to yiu!! The Rich thay has got “to” pay For thatt too!

Iff al These hear Things thay get done Then evryboddy thay al bee Equill and evryboddy “thay” wil Al get Good Jobs the kind yiu dont has to work at!!! The Rich thay “wil” has to pay for that aslo!!

Al This it wil “bee” reel eeasy To do becose Hillery she Wil be Pressdint and she wil Putt al the nogood Biggit christins in Jale.

Oh i amlost forgott it; thare Is one More damand and That “is” evryboddy in Collidge thay gets Payed “for” bein thare and it Is a “smal” Pryce to pay for al them peple becummin Intellecturals like we who “is” alreddy Hear at Collidge.

Yiu cant never have Too many Smart Peple!

PS, did Yiu see the lattest Pole?? Hillary is ahed of Donold Trump, 88 per Cent to jist only 41 Per cent!!!

This Is a Truly Stupid Idea: Free College

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Well, it’s getting kind of expensive to get your degree in Gender Studies, etc. So a new poll by YouGov claims about 60% of Americans now support free college tuition for anyone who wants it, paid for out of public money–that is, money that you and I worked for and had sucked out of our paychecks before we ever saw it ( http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/poll-most-support-making-college-free/article/2572333 ).

You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things… Has anybody bothered to actually think about this?

First, free tuition will push the demand for college sky-high, necessitating a vast expansion of the whole university system (even if most of the freebies only go to community colleges, as our lying politicians assure us will be the case)–more campuses, more buildings, more professors, more administrators, more camp followers, and so on. It will cost infinitely more than the mere (!) $350 billion that Hillary “Careless” Clinton says it’ll cost.

Second, college does not produce a useful product, unless you can figure out a use for millions of whining, thin-skinned, lazy, ignorant, inept bozos with meaningless degrees in silly subjects. For every engineer who comes out of our colleges, we get how many unemployable dingbats?

Third, if everybody has a bachelor’s degree, then that degree has been watered down to the point where it means nothing at all. What do we do then–free tuition till you get your master’s?

Finally, our colleges and universities today are run by a crowd of Mao Tse-tung wannabes, perverts, pillheads, chowderheads, and people who just plain hate America and want to turn it into something else. There are already way too many of our young people in their hands.

If anything, we would be doing our country a big favor if we shrank the university system and had millions of people working and producing something useful instead of sitting in a classroom for five years learning about… well, nothing.

The Democrats are hot to trot with this fiasco.

And only the voters–lots and lots and lots of voters, with nobody staying home or wasting his vote on a third-party nobody–can stop them.