Give the Gift of Self-Esteem

It’s never too early to start turning your child into a full-blown narcissist. If he wants to become President, a senator, an entertainer, a journalist, a college professor, or a mass shooter, it’s sheer narcissism that’ll get him there.

Here are a few gifts that will help.

Video, There is No ‘You’ in ‘Team’ , by Hobart Snively. Watch 10-year-old Joey undermine his Little League teammates one by one until he becomes the star of the team by default. These techniques of rumor-spreading, fight-starting, backbiting and mind-poisoning work equally well at the workplace, the classroom, or with any other group of people. Hey, if you can’t make yourself taller, you can still try to make everybody else shorter!

Video Game, You’re Fantastic! For young children just starting out as spoiled little schlupps who go ballistic if anybody crosses them. Press the button to make your avatar follow the Path of Life, and whenever he lands on a colored light, another avatar pops up with a word of praise. “You’re fantastic! You must be the smartest person in the world! You’re the handsomest kid I’ve ever seen,” and so on. The game is great for self-esteem because there are no wrong moves: no matter what he does, he lands on a colored light and gets an extravagant compliment.

Activity Set, My Child, the Artist. Tired of envying those clever drawings that the parents of kids more creative than your own display on their refrigerator doors? Sickening, isn’t it? Well, with My Child, the Artist, you’ll beat them every time–and also teach your child a very important lesson: if you have to earn it, then it’s not really self-esteem. Inside this kit you’ll find small reproductions of some of the great paintings of the Western World: Mona Lisa, Arnolfini’s Wedding, The Death of Socrates, Starry Night–a different set of 12 in each kit, each and every one of them ready for your child’s signature.

Kiddie Book, You Are Not an Ugly Fat Toad! Fully illustrated, great for reading aloud: your kid will want to hear it again and again. Kids’ll love the story of Sheela, the ugliest fat kid in town, who, one by one, poisons all the other kids until she’s the only one left. The final climactic scene, where she stands in front of the mirror and grins, and the motto, “You really are the fairest of them all,” will stick in any child’s memory for years to come.

All of these items are available at a Lo-Integrity store near you.