It’s never too soon to start preparing your child for life as a full-blown narcissist. Even if he’s going to stop at college and never go on to become anything than a total waste of space, at least he’ll be a narcissistic waste of space. And here are some smurfy gift ideas to get you started!
(Boy, this New-Improved-[Censored] editing system imposed on me by WordPress sure makes work take longer!)
Give your child toys and games and videos that’ll teach him or her or xir that he/she/it is the greatest thing since sliced bread. You, too, can raise a new Caligula!
History will remember ours as an age of affirming delusions: the wackier the delusion, the higher the pressure on everyone else to affirm it. Get your child started early on his way to full-blown narcissism.
He’ll need it when he goes to Hollywood!
A lot has been said, lately, about simulated sorta-friendships on the Internet and social media taking the place of real, face-to-face friendships, to the detriment of society. As someone in a Pogo Games chat room once said, “But we’re only Pogo people!” It was a true cri de couer, even if I still can’t explain exactly what she meant.
As a thought experiment, let me remove all the “cyber-friends” (for want of a better word) from my life and see what’s left.
Family? Well, almost everybody’s dead. Those who are left have all moved far away from here, and we see them only on special occasions.
Old friends? Well, I hung on to those longer than most–but in all honesty, my boon companions, my bosom buddies, are not really the most wholesome company for the Christian that I want to be.
My wife is, of course, my best friend, and we are inseparable. But apart from her, if you take away my friends that I’ve made here on this blog, in the course of my work for Chalcedon, and on Pogo–well, there’s hardly anything left. For some people, online friendship is what’s on the menu.
But I don’t feel deprived. I’ve met wonderful people from all over the country, even from other countries, met them here and in my Chalcedon work, here and there and elsewhere–and I have grown quite fond of them. (That means some of you who are reading this: you know who you are.) I profit from my exchanges with them. I draw emotional support from you all. I am thankful for you.
Because of course–of course!–“just Pogo people” are real people. Man, I know happily married couples who “met” in a Pogo game room! If I could travel, I’ve got invitations from all over. Some of you, I’d love nothing better than to sit down and have a cup of tea with you–maybe even sit outside on a nice day and have a cigar. I may never meet you in the flesh, but you are my friends and I treasure you.
All right, enough of the sappy talk. You all know what I mean.
Yeah, constant texting, etc., a narcissistic urge to have strangers know the moment-to-moment boring details of your life–obviously that’s not what I’m talking about. I know some of you have come to enjoy the little community that’s growing up right here on this blog.
So, yes, we are all, in our fashion, Pogo people! And deplorables, too. Ich bin ein Berliner!
Let us wear our badges proudly.
It’s never too early to start turning your child into a full-blown narcissist. If he wants to become President, a senator, an entertainer, a journalist, a college professor, or a mass shooter, it’s sheer narcissism that’ll get him there.
Here are a few gifts that will help.
Video, There is No ‘You’ in ‘Team’ , by Hobart Snively. Watch 10-year-old Joey undermine his Little League teammates one by one until he becomes the star of the team by default. These techniques of rumor-spreading, fight-starting, backbiting and mind-poisoning work equally well at the workplace, the classroom, or with any other group of people. Hey, if you can’t make yourself taller, you can still try to make everybody else shorter!
Video Game, You’re Fantastic! For young children just starting out as spoiled little schlupps who go ballistic if anybody crosses them. Press the button to make your avatar follow the Path of Life, and whenever he lands on a colored light, another avatar pops up with a word of praise. “You’re fantastic! You must be the smartest person in the world! You’re the handsomest kid I’ve ever seen,” and so on. The game is great for self-esteem because there are no wrong moves: no matter what he does, he lands on a colored light and gets an extravagant compliment.
Activity Set, My Child, the Artist. Tired of envying those clever drawings that the parents of kids more creative than your own display on their refrigerator doors? Sickening, isn’t it? Well, with My Child, the Artist, you’ll beat them every time–and also teach your child a very important lesson: if you have to earn it, then it’s not really self-esteem. Inside this kit you’ll find small reproductions of some of the great paintings of the Western World: Mona Lisa, Arnolfini’s Wedding, The Death of Socrates, Starry Night–a different set of 12 in each kit, each and every one of them ready for your child’s signature.
Kiddie Book, You Are Not an Ugly Fat Toad! Fully illustrated, great for reading aloud: your kid will want to hear it again and again. Kids’ll love the story of Sheela, the ugliest fat kid in town, who, one by one, poisons all the other kids until she’s the only one left. The final climactic scene, where she stands in front of the mirror and grins, and the motto, “You really are the fairest of them all,” will stick in any child’s memory for years to come.
All of these items are available at a Lo-Integrity store near you.