It’s never too soon to start preparing your child for life as a full-blown narcissist. Even if he’s going to stop at college and never go on to become anything than a total waste of space, at least he’ll be a narcissistic waste of space. And here are some smurfy gift ideas to get you started!
History will remember ours as an age of affirming delusions: the wackier the delusion, the higher the pressure on everyone else to affirm it. Get your child started early on his way to full-blown narcissism.
The Gamey Game Co. has released its new deluxe version of its computerized chess game, Checkmate, Dude! Described by its maker as “the game you always win,” Checkmate, Dude! is famous for having the player’s opponent resign before the first move is made.
The deluxe version comes with sound. Each time your electronic opponent resigns, it pays you a compliment. “I don’t stand a chance against a genius like you!” “Playing against you is like playing against Chess itself!” “You’re fantastic!” And so on. Plus, you can add compliments to the computer’s repertoire.
Checkmate, Dude! sells for a mere $1,250 and is available at most hovels.
Patzer Products proudly announces a new line of hi-tech golf balls specially designed to raise and reinforce the golfer’s self-esteem.
Outwardly, Patzer’s Tru-Flite balls look just like any other golf balls. But thanks to a miniaturized digital proactive guidance system on the inside, Tru-Flite will give you a hole in one every time you hit the ball! All you have to do is hit it; the ball will do the rest. Right into the cup, every single time!
Imagine a PGA tournament which everybody wins! In which every golfer hits a hole in one, every time he swings the club! Imagine someone who really stinks at golf suddenly finishing every course 70 strokes under par!
Especially recommended for today’s college students, Tru-Flite balls really do cost a lot–but that’s okay, because The Rich are going to be forced to pay for them.
We’re talking big-time cuckoo here. Ohio State University reports a 43% increase, in five years; University of Central Florida, up 12% a year for the past decade; and University of Michigan, up 36% in the past seven years.
The most common problems seem to be anxiety, dread, fearfulness, and a general heavy fluster over… well, nothing. They can’t take tests. They can’t endure any kind of criticism. Any opposition to their desires sends them into terminal fumfering. We might well say they’re all messed up.
And gee willikers, who woulda thought it? Eh? Could it maybe, possibly, somehow be that self-esteem preaching, perpetual insulating from stress or failure, helicopter parenting, “good job!”, and handing out trophies just for showing up… that all of that did sort of an inadequate job of preparing these tender little hothouse flowers for anything approaching real life?
Hot dog! Better living through Godlessness! Works every time, don’t it?
Some years ago, a friend of ours decided to stop being a chiropractor and become a public school teacher. At the time, I was still dabbling in what we like to call “education,” serving here and there as a substitute.
One day I mentioned to him some of the untruths, false facts, and lies included in the curriculum. Stuff like “Contrary to what is often said, Queen Cleopatra was a pure black African.” Uh, no, she wasn’t: she was Macedonian, the last of the Ptolemys to rule Egypt.
The ex-chiropractor, who was coming down the home stretch of his teacher training, replied, “You don’t understand. It’s all right to teach children things that aren’t true, as long as it makes them feel good about themselves.”
Nice. Pile up some self-esteem built on a lot of easily-refuted falsehoods. When individuals did that on their own, it was considered a character defect. A lot of technical terms were invented to describe this: “liar,” “B.S. artist,” “self-deluding ninny,” etc.
If you need lies to feel good about yourself, how do you feel about yourself when you finally find out that those things that made you feel so good were only… lies?
We laugh at Joe Collidge, but he does have a mean streak.
I have this story via Frontline Ministries. I won’t use any names: the point of the story is broader than that. And it’s not the only example.
So–boy enters Christian school. He has a very bad stutter, and the other kids make fun of him. Teacher puts a stop to that, but good, and works with the boy so that he finally overcomes his handicap. No more stutter.
Boy leaves Christian school, enters public high school. His Christian teacher hears from him no more… until he gets an email from the lad, now a college student.
The young man calls his teacher “bigoted” (biggit, biggit, croak the mindless frogs in the swamp called “university”) and excoriates him for writing “hateful” things about homosexuals and Muslims. By “hateful” he means anything less than full approval and complete submission.
Then the college student–who has by now been given a bigger handicap than any stutter: a public education administered by moral imbeciles–goes on to say, pompously, to his old teacher, “It’s not man’s place to judge… I can’t believe I respected such a bigoted individual (biggit, biggit) as yourself.”
“It’s not man’s place to judge”? Dude, what are you doing as you write that? Oh, I see–judge not, except it’s right to judge Christians and conservatives because your collidge perfessers told you so.
This whole collidge mantra of “There’s your truth that’s true for you and my truth that’s true for me” is nothing but a symptom of a mind that has been trained out of the habit of reasoning. Like, dude, if it’s your old teacher’s “truth” that homosexuality is wrong, aren’t you supposed to respect that as “his truth”?
Oh, okay–it doesn’t apply to Christians and conservatives.
I’ve seen what happens when a teen or tween leaves Christian school and gets sucked into the maw of public education. In no time at all they turn the kid into a waste of space. It’s what they do best.
Please, Christians, please! If you have kids in public school, please get them out of there. You wouldn’t dream of sending them to a Muslim school to be taught by Muslims. Why are you comfortable with having them be taught by reprobates?
Meanwhile, I’m sure I can’t see the payoff in training a whole generation of Americans to be puffed-up nasty little fools in whom unearned self-esteem has replaced earned self-confidence.
It’s never too early to start turning your child into a full-blown narcissist. If he wants to become President, a senator, an entertainer, a journalist, a college professor, or a mass shooter, it’s sheer narcissism that’ll get him there.
Here are a few gifts that will help.
Video, There is No ‘You’ in ‘Team’ , by Hobart Snively. Watch 10-year-old Joey undermine his Little League teammates one by one until he becomes the star of the team by default. These techniques of rumor-spreading, fight-starting, backbiting and mind-poisoning work equally well at the workplace, the classroom, or with any other group of people. Hey, if you can’t make yourself taller, you can still try to make everybody else shorter!
Video Game, You’re Fantastic! For young children just starting out as spoiled little schlupps who go ballistic if anybody crosses them. Press the button to make your avatar follow the Path of Life, and whenever he lands on a colored light, another avatar pops up with a word of praise. “You’re fantastic! You must be the smartest person in the world! You’re the handsomest kid I’ve ever seen,” and so on. The game is great for self-esteem because there are no wrong moves: no matter what he does, he lands on a colored light and gets an extravagant compliment.
Activity Set, My Child, the Artist. Tired of envying those clever drawings that the parents of kids more creative than your own display on their refrigerator doors? Sickening, isn’t it? Well, with My Child, the Artist, you’ll beat them every time–and also teach your child a very important lesson: if you have to earn it, then it’s not really self-esteem. Inside this kit you’ll find small reproductions of some of the great paintings of the Western World: Mona Lisa, Arnolfini’s Wedding, The Death of Socrates, Starry Night–a different set of 12 in each kit, each and every one of them ready for your child’s signature.
Kiddie Book, You Are Not an Ugly Fat Toad! Fully illustrated, great for reading aloud: your kid will want to hear it again and again. Kids’ll love the story of Sheela, the ugliest fat kid in town, who, one by one, poisons all the other kids until she’s the only one left. The final climactic scene, where she stands in front of the mirror and grins, and the motto, “You really are the fairest of them all,” will stick in any child’s memory for years to come.
All of these items are available at a Lo-Integrity store near you.