G’day! Byron the Quokka here–patting myself on the back because Quokka University is almost ready to open and I have been instrumental in hiring an academic superstar to jazz up our faculty.
Eat your heart out, Oxford! Cry me a river, Harvard! There’s only one Professor Helmut Shimble, and we’ve got him!
But it wasn’t easy: we can’t afford the kind of salary Prof. Shimble’s used to, so we had to make it up to him in perks. That made for delicate negotiations! To name just a few of those perks:
*The cafeteria has to serve him anything he wants, whenever he wants it.
*He doesn’t have to share his canvas shelter with anyone.
*Everyone will have to read his book, Advanced Principles of Subaqueous Cleftonics, and say they liked it.
*The university will not be informed of the content of his classes.
*No one is allowed in his classroom while he’s teaching. That includes students. He finds students a distraction.
Talk about prestige! This is one of the top ten most famous university professors in the world–almost as famous as that other guy somewhere, I forget his name, he’s on Youtube or something. But the mere presence of Professor Helmut Shimble on campus has instantly elevated Quokka U. to the highest rank of higher education. Three cheers for us!