Tag: Quokka University

We’ve Hired a Life Coach! At Quokka U REPRINT

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Habits and Traits of Jumping Spiders

From December 5, 2020

Every university needs a life coach, and Quokka U. is no exception. And now we’ve got one!

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and I’d like you to meet our new life coach for staff and students alike–Dr. Horatio Fantod!

As you’ve already guessed from the picture, Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He had already set up shop as Rotnest Island’s premier (and only) life coach, and although nobody knows where he earned his doctorate, all his clients think very highly of him. Besides which, he works cheap.

The good thing about him is, he always gives the same advice, the same for everybody, so there are never any difficult surprises. As he puts it, “No matter how you may have messed up your life, you can always make it better with a nice, tasty leaf-hopper! Or any other kind of insect you can catch.”

The bad thing is, he’s so small and consequently has a very small voice. So before he can advise you how to fix up your life by catching insects, he has to crawl up onto your ear and sort of shout into the hole. That’s a bad thing because it tickles! And you have to be careful not to laugh or jiggle your head because then he might fall into your ear and have to climb out–and that tickles even worse. It’s happened to me.

Dr. Fantod’s counseling sessions are free of charge, so we won’t have to raise the tuition to keep him around. As long as he can come out of the rain, he’s happy. And so are we!

 

A New Science Is Born! REPRINT

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Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

From August 1, 2020

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, on what is sure to be forever remembered as an historic occasion!

Because on this day, a new science is born. Brand-new! In fact, if you want to earn a degree in it, the only place in the whole world where you can do that is right here at Quokka University! Because we have a monopoly on the new science of…

Cryptogeography!

Even as Cryptozoology is the study of animals that have to be found before they can be studied, because they may or may not exist, so is cryptogeography the study of places that may or may not exist. [Note to Board of Sages: we owe Phoebe S. an honorary doctorate in Cryptogeography, for coining the name.]

Did you ever try to go someplace and never get there–and you thought it was because you just got lost somehow? Well! Maybe the place was really there… and maybe it wasn’t. I mean, really, blimey, how do you get to Brigadoon, or Gondor, or the Seven Cities of Gold? Poor Coronado wandered all over the map and never found the place that he was looking for. How many times have you been told, “Just keep on going down Route Whatsit, and you can’t miss it”? And then you do miss it, because it isn’t there! But maybe, just maybe, it was there yesterday.

What makes lost cities lost? How do they get found again?

You can see the world’s been needing a science of Cryptogeography for quite a long time.

And as we say here at Q.U.–Ipso loquitur mannimota!

The Quokka U. Film Project REPRINT

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From August 22, 2020

Quokkas Are So Cute People Can't Believe They're Real - UNILAD

Lights! Camera! Action!

Byron the Quokka here, with the latest from Quokka University! We’re not open yet, but we’re already dreaming up spectacular academic and cultural triumphs that’ll put us on the map before you can say “Abombalbap!” Actually, I’ve heard some people have a lot of trouble just saying that at all…

But hark! Introducing the Quokka University Film Project! Yes, we will create and release an extraordinary feature film, just as soon as we can raise the money for it. We know you’ll all want to contribute, once you hear what the movie’s going to be about. May we have a trumpet fanfare, please?

Introducing [da-tada-da!]… from Quokka U. Studios…

Oy, Rodney: The Catastrophe. Starring a lot of quokkas, koalas, and wallabies! Mel Gibson wanted to direct it, but we’re going for “the Outback Hitchcock,” who needs no introduction so I won’t give him one.

We wanted Rachel Ward to play Lady Margo Cargo, but she ran away. No problem–Rottnest Island’s full of quokkas who can act the hind leg off a donkey.

We realize we have a lot of big old established universities as our competition, and they’ll do just about anything to stay on top. Well, let ’em try! If we can’t do better than Stanford or some other place like that, we don’t deserve to have a university.

More False Facts! (Quokka U. Fund-Raiser) REPRINT

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Quokka in bushes, close-up Stock Photo - Alamy

(I have to get back outside and write some more of my book–but first here’s Byron the Quokka with a special announcement.)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–that’s me inspecting the groundwork for what will one day be Quokka University’s auxiliary lecture hall. But we’ll need more money to finish the job, and that’s where this special edition of Acme False Facts comes in. For a mere $250 (you see they’ve lowered the price), you can get a set of False Facts Flash Cards which will enable you to dazzle your friends with your esoteric knowledge.

To whet your appetite, here are just a few samples.

*Cave men with guns killed off the dinosaurs. You could look it up.

*The first Club Med was established in Harbin, Manchuria, in 1952. It’s still the most popular Club Med in Manchuria.

*A 1969 poll by the Sons of Bacchus softball team revealed that hardly anyone likes cauliflower stewed in maple syrup.

*The first cell phone was invented in ancient Egypt in 1298 B.C. but was suppressed by Pharaoh Ramses II when he got one too many calls from Hittites selling time shares in a Syrian cave that turned out to be haunted.

*The Common English Pencil Bug can actually be used as a pencil. It even has an eraser!

So there you have it. Shoulders back, chest out, and head held high–deliver these guaranteed false facts with all the conviction you can muster, and enjoy your new career as a sage.

Quokka U., College Sports Colossus REPRINT

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From March 8, 2020

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, interviewing a famous college sports personality who may become the first coach of Quokka University’s pick-up sticks team. I have to protect her identity, this is a confidential interview, but the picture’s okay because she’s in disguise. If I told you who she really was, you’d just plain faint. Still, nothing will happen till we can agree on her salary. Quokka U. doesn’t have a lot of money yet. In fact, so far, we have no money at all. But we do have a cool Latin motto, Ipso loquitur mannimota, and that has to count for something.

Oh, there’s so much to do! Who knew that setting up a college would be so much trouble? Well, we’re committed to the pick-up sticks team, we need a bunch of buildings and a stadium, we have to hire professors and somebody to clean up, and someone has suggested we might want to have a jacks team, too. Personally, I’m holding out for a Clue team. Professor Plum in the Lounge with the Candlestick!

And now, on to the next interview. Ipso loquitur, everybody!

A Minor Hiccup at Quokka U. REPRINT

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From May 23, 2020

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and that’s the great Alvin Kasavubu’s blue bike in the background. I am jumping for joy because I found it!

Mr. Kasavubu very kindly agreed to be our first celebrity lecturer here at Quokka University. He is one of the world’s foremost experts on how to keep frogs from jumping off your head once you put them up there, and we were all very excited to have him.

Well, he showed up on his bicycle; and imagine our dismay when his bike went missing! I hope nobody thinks any of us quokkas tried to steal it. After all, our feet can’t reach the pedals. Anyway, poor Mr. Kasavubu, when he’d finished his lecture and wanted to go home, couldn’t find his bike. Was he ever upset! And we all had to go looking for it.

Happily, it wasn’t stolen, after all: somebody just moved it. We suspect wombats. They can’t resist a bit of joy-riding. If we ever find out who actually moved the bike, we’ll have to put them on academic probation. If we can figure out how to do that.

But at least we had the lecture, and a very interesting lecture it was!

We are well on our way to creating one of the world’s great universities.

Wanted: A School Song for Quokka U. REPRINT

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Image result for images of quokkas singing

From March 21, 2020

Tuning up to sing our school song–once we decide what it is

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest on Quokka University.

We’ve been so busy appointing deans and such, we almost forgot one of the most important things for any college–a school song! We’re going to vote on it, and here are the top three candidates so far:

“I’m an Old Cow-Hand from the Rio Grande”

“The Ants Go Marching One by One” (my favorite!)

“I’ve Got Sixpence”

Aunt Feezy is still holding out for “How Much Is That Emu in the Window?”, but she’s the only one. There’s also some support for this old Simon & Garfunkel song, “I am Iraq, I am an Ireland,” but that one doesn’t make much sense to me. There’s a group of tuataras over in New Zealand who sing it really well, but it’s just not a quokka song.

Image result for Images of singing tuatara

Besides, I think tuatara-singing is an acquired taste, and I have not acquired it yet.

Well, if any of you humans out there want to vote on our school song, please go right ahead. Maybe you can suggest a great song we haven’t thought of yet.

The school song will be sung at half-time during all our pick-up sticks matches.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 25 REPRINT

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From September 25, 2021

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

Blimey! The next time I do this, it’ll be October!

G’day, this is Byron the Quokka with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. If there’s not a game of Clue going in your neighborhood, these shows are the next best thing.

5:45 P.M.  Ch. 41   TALK LIKE ELMER FUDD!–Educational

John Gielgud’s family and friends seriously considered having him put away while he was doing this series for Josip P. Broz’s People’s Public Television. Once he got started talking like Elmer Fudd, he couldn’t stop! For a good while there, it endangered his career. Featured guests: Anthony Quinn, Irene Ryan.

6 P.M.  Ch. 08   UNCONTROLLED RAVING ABOUT SPORTS–Sports

Caspar Hoojah does himself an injury as he overreacts to this week’s news in sports! Last week he jumped out his studio’s second-floor window because the Yankees got yanked. This week, who knows? The walls of his studio have since been padded: we’ll see if that keeps him out of the hospital. With R.D. Laing and his orchestra.

Ch. 16  MOVIE–Steamy Jungle Romance

In “Steaming Jungle Passion” (1996), Prof. Gargle (Leonard Bernstein) leads an expedition into the Amazon rain forest in search of Batboy (Frank Buttocks)–only to discover a long-lost city of maniacs ruled by fantastically beautiful women, all of whom want the professor and will do anything to get him! Boobah: Ellen Burstyn. Crowd of lunatics: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “Itchy Jungle Disease”

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 12  CTHULHU & CO.–Cartoons

Inspired by the horror tales of H. P. Lovecraft, these cartoons are guaranteed to freak you out! Many viewers require long-term psychiatric therapy after just one or two exposures. Others, we regret to say, join disreputable cults. Host: Uncle Jack Torrance. Puppets: Beto O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren.

Ch. 52  “YOUR MOVE, STUPID!”–Game Show

Can you play Monopoly, poker, checkers, and Candy Land at the same time? Our celebrity contestants will try to do just that, rushing from table to table as the overhead Monster Clock ticks away… Raul Castro this week puts his title on the line against The Dixie Chicks, Dan Rather, and Barney Rubble. Host: a disembodied head floating in a jar, we don’t know whose.

Well, mates, there you go! Maybe you should record some of these, in case Q.U. ever has to open its doors and start teaching courses. But for the time being, it’s party time!

World's happiest animal', the quokka, becomes the most popular tourist attraction at Australia's Rottnest Island

Byron’s TV Listings (May 29) REPRINT

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David C. Tucker, Author: When TV Was Simpler

From May 29, 2021

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s spectacular TV broadcasts brought to you by the crew at Quokka University–just in time for Lee’s porch party! Without further ado:

2:30 P.M.  Ch 09  GENGHIS MY FOOT!–Drama

Brought back to life by a mad scientist (former California Gov. Jerry Brown), Genghis Khan (Mickey Rooney) is elected mayor of Hangem High, CT, and immediately sets out to conquer all of North America–after he recruits a Mongol horde. Mrs. McFlop: Eve Arden. Ghost: Fernando Lamas

Ch 12  GROW IT & SHOW IT–Gardening

Guest Luther Furbag has bred brown flowers “that look like they’re already dead.” Host: Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers. With Carl Sagan and his orchestra.

2:47 P.M. Ch 21  PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE–Politics

Top candidates for the presidency of the Bilgewater Fishing Club, Francis X. Fimbo and Don Diego Shaughnessy, square off on foreign policy, Climate Change, economic recovery, and blind dates. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

3:00 P.M.  Ch 03   THE ARACHNIDS–Sitcom/Suspense

Can a family of gigantic spiders live the good life in a human suburb? Only if they can learn to fit in! Episode 1: The Arachnids get off on the wrong foot with their neighbors when Muffy (Chelsea Clinton) eats Mr. Prigg’s dog. Directed by Jack Webb (who else?). Mr. Prigg: Edward Platt. Daddy Spider: James Arness. Grandma Spider: A real spider blown up to colossal size.

Ch. 15 PC POLICE SQUAD–Grime Drama

Hair-raising tales of misgendering, microaggression, and cultural appropriation, with only Lt. Kaydence Jugular (Jane Fonda) and her Bias Response Team standing between the human race and offensive language. Filmed inside a cement mixer! Sock puppets by Ralph Lauren and Carl LaFong.

There you have it! What’s a porch party without great stuff on TV?

Byron’s TV Listings, May 15 REPRINT

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What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

From May 15, 2021

G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!

Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.

So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.

8:17 a.m.  Ch. 03   BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion

Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 16   CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming

Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.

Ch. 21   MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama

Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.

Ch. 42   MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming

A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel.  Capablanca: Benny Hill.  Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.

9 a.m.   Ch. 08   MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi

“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist  Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor  Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun.  The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.

Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth