Tag: Quokka University

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 25 REPRINT

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From September 25, 2021

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

Blimey! The next time I do this, it’ll be October!

G’day, this is Byron the Quokka with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. If there’s not a game of Clue going in your neighborhood, these shows are the next best thing.

5:45 P.M.  Ch. 41   TALK LIKE ELMER FUDD!–Educational

John Gielgud’s family and friends seriously considered having him put away while he was doing this series for Josip P. Broz’s People’s Public Television. Once he got started talking like Elmer Fudd, he couldn’t stop! For a good while there, it endangered his career. Featured guests: Anthony Quinn, Irene Ryan.

6 P.M.  Ch. 08   UNCONTROLLED RAVING ABOUT SPORTS–Sports

Caspar Hoojah does himself an injury as he overreacts to this week’s news in sports! Last week he jumped out his studio’s second-floor window because the Yankees got yanked. This week, who knows? The walls of his studio have since been padded: we’ll see if that keeps him out of the hospital. With R.D. Laing and his orchestra.

Ch. 16  MOVIE–Steamy Jungle Romance

In “Steaming Jungle Passion” (1996), Prof. Gargle (Leonard Bernstein) leads an expedition into the Amazon rain forest in search of Batboy (Frank Buttocks)–only to discover a long-lost city of maniacs ruled by fantastically beautiful women, all of whom want the professor and will do anything to get him! Boobah: Ellen Burstyn. Crowd of lunatics: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “Itchy Jungle Disease”

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 12  CTHULHU & CO.–Cartoons

Inspired by the horror tales of H. P. Lovecraft, these cartoons are guaranteed to freak you out! Many viewers require long-term psychiatric therapy after just one or two exposures. Others, we regret to say, join disreputable cults. Host: Uncle Jack Torrance. Puppets: Beto O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren.

Ch. 52  “YOUR MOVE, STUPID!”–Game Show

Can you play Monopoly, poker, checkers, and Candy Land at the same time? Our celebrity contestants will try to do just that, rushing from table to table as the overhead Monster Clock ticks away… Raul Castro this week puts his title on the line against The Dixie Chicks, Dan Rather, and Barney Rubble. Host: a disembodied head floating in a jar, we don’t know whose.

Well, mates, there you go! Maybe you should record some of these, in case Q.U. ever has to open its doors and start teaching courses. But for the time being, it’s party time!

World's happiest animal', the quokka, becomes the most popular tourist attraction at Australia's Rottnest Island

Byron’s TV Listings (May 29) REPRINT

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David C. Tucker, Author: When TV Was Simpler

From May 29, 2021

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s spectacular TV broadcasts brought to you by the crew at Quokka University–just in time for Lee’s porch party! Without further ado:

2:30 P.M.  Ch 09  GENGHIS MY FOOT!–Drama

Brought back to life by a mad scientist (former California Gov. Jerry Brown), Genghis Khan (Mickey Rooney) is elected mayor of Hangem High, CT, and immediately sets out to conquer all of North America–after he recruits a Mongol horde. Mrs. McFlop: Eve Arden. Ghost: Fernando Lamas

Ch 12  GROW IT & SHOW IT–Gardening

Guest Luther Furbag has bred brown flowers “that look like they’re already dead.” Host: Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers. With Carl Sagan and his orchestra.

2:47 P.M. Ch 21  PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE–Politics

Top candidates for the presidency of the Bilgewater Fishing Club, Francis X. Fimbo and Don Diego Shaughnessy, square off on foreign policy, Climate Change, economic recovery, and blind dates. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

3:00 P.M.  Ch 03   THE ARACHNIDS–Sitcom/Suspense

Can a family of gigantic spiders live the good life in a human suburb? Only if they can learn to fit in! Episode 1: The Arachnids get off on the wrong foot with their neighbors when Muffy (Chelsea Clinton) eats Mr. Prigg’s dog. Directed by Jack Webb (who else?). Mr. Prigg: Edward Platt. Daddy Spider: James Arness. Grandma Spider: A real spider blown up to colossal size.

Ch. 15 PC POLICE SQUAD–Grime Drama

Hair-raising tales of misgendering, microaggression, and cultural appropriation, with only Lt. Kaydence Jugular (Jane Fonda) and her Bias Response Team standing between the human race and offensive language. Filmed inside a cement mixer! Sock puppets by Ralph Lauren and Carl LaFong.

There you have it! What’s a porch party without great stuff on TV?

Byron’s TV Listings, May 15 REPRINT

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What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

From May 15, 2021

G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!

Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.

So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.

8:17 a.m.  Ch. 03   BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion

Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 16   CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming

Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.

Ch. 21   MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama

Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.

Ch. 42   MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming

A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel.  Capablanca: Benny Hill.  Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.

9 a.m.   Ch. 08   MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi

“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist  Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor  Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun.  The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.

Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

Byron’s TV Listings (May 1) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1963

Wow! Here on Rottnest Island, it’s almost time for Deputy Dawg! But first a word about this week’s TV listings, brought to you by Quokka U. If we can raise enough money, we can buy one of those air-boats like they had in “Everglades.” Now all we need is a swamp!

Byron the Quokka here, and here’s a sample of this weekend’s fabulous television.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 03   THE BLOODY PIRATES OF SKELETON ISLAND–Adventure

The pirates swoop down on a wagon train in the middle of the prairie and suddenly discover they’ve lost their ship! Cap’n Cod: Lorne Green  Clambrain: John Kerry   Marvin the Talking Ox: Howard Cosell

Ch. 05   NEWS WITH STEVE THE HAMSTER–News

Who says the news anchor has to be human? As Steve runs faster and faster in his hamster wheel, news stories fly out from the bottom and Ed McMahon digs them out of the cedar shavings and reads them for the camera.

6:36 P.M.  Ch. 46   SHERPA TO THE STARS–Travel

Hollywood superstars love to climb the Himalayas! And Sherpa Gutzu Lhotsa Sope is the man who guides them to the summits. Even if he doesn’t always come down with the same celebrities with which he went up. With Andrew Cuomo and his orchestra.

7 P.M.  Ch. 10  HOPALONG HAGGIS–Scottish Western

Hopalong Haggis really does have to propel himself by hopping along on alternate feet, but that doesn’t stop him from solving crimes for the Phnom Penh C.I.D. in Cambodia, with whom he communicates telepathically. This week: someone’s left the water running. Hopalong: Harry Wong   Sgt. MacPherson: Sid Fernandez   Mrs MacGavin: Linzy Kagemusha

Ch. 12  TITUS ANDRONICUS–Cartoons

Shakespeare’s gory mess makes for hilarious cartoons! Host: Suitcase Simpson.

Ch. 17  MOVIE–Tragicomedy

“Lost in the Outback” (1958) features the Bowery Boys being picked off one by one by rogue kangaroos and vengeful wandering minstrels. Filmed in Brooklyn but made to look just like the Australian wilderness, give or take a few cars and sidewalks. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall.  Rogue kangaroo trainer: Loretta Young. Suspicious-looking Rock: Tommy Lee Jones.

Well, there you have it! I can’t wait to see “Lost in the Outback.” A lot of ninnies get lost in the Outback. Some of them get lost looking for it. They think it’s somewhere “out back.”

I hope our university opens soon.

DMD Disease Treatment - Quokka Cure | Particle

Byron’s TV Listings (April 24) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

From April 24, 2021

Tally-ho, and away we go! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s Quokka University TV listings. We show the stuff that none of the networks dared to show, back when. But we have to admit we don’t have sponsors like Gro-Pup. We do have Go-Gro Crayfish Food, but their advertising budget won’t grow anything bigger than a crayfish.

Anyway, here are a few samples of fantastically wonderful TV for your weekend. Just don’t tell anybody where you got it.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  GIRDLES GALORE–Fashion

You’ll never again have to ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Because you’ll have a Hollywood Girdle on under it! Hosts: Boris Karloff, Ayn Rand. With Gene Woodling’s Xylophone Orchestra.

Ch. 06  SPORTS NOBODY CARES ABOUT–Interviews

Howard Cosell interviews athletes who play sports you never heard of–Papuan egg-swallowing, speed crocheting from Estonia, 43-man Squamish, wheel barrow-throwing from the most isolated regions of Spain, and many others. Nominated for a Broken Coccyx Award!

Ch. 14  SHOOT ‘EM ALL!–Western

Sheriff Grendel (Alan Alda) recovers from having a load of bricks dumped on his head, but has now become a serial killer out for revenge–against whom, he doesn’t know. It’s up to shy schoolmarm Pam Spam (Joan Rivers) and plucky Deputy Horace Dawg (an animated root vegetable) to stop him. Toby: Steve Reeves  Mayor Motormouth: Nick Cravat

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 42  UNDERWATER BALLET NEWS–News

Anchor David Pong reports from underwater at Weeki Wachee while the famous Mermaids cavort all around him. Be sure to send away for the Bubble-Meister, or you won’t be able to understand a word David says–remember, he’s sitting underwater and it makes him sound funny.

8:01 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Romance/Adventure

“The Lost City of Almost-Naked Women” (1970) finds the Bowery Boys exploring a lost city deep in the heart of Brooklyn. This was the first and last movie directed by Sen. Walter Mondale. Huntz Hall, Leo Gorcey.  Prof. Peedle: Arnold Stang  Dr. Von Schussnig: Zsa Zsa Gabor  Featuring the Bil Baird Puppets.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started! And please let us know if you actually get a Bubble-Meister after you send away for one.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 17) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

From April 17, 2021

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

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Image result for images of 1959 TV listings

From February 13, 2021

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV listings to spice up your weekend–if you call watching TV spicy. The Quokka University TV Network makes these shows available–I don’t know how, and I don’t ask. If anybody asks, I haven’t been here today.

7 p.m.  03  HITTITE NEWS  Anchor: Shuri-Teshub son of Ishmak

04  THE FACEHEADS (Comedy). Randy gets some peculiar ideas after watching a movie about “Killer Kats.” Randy: Denzel Washington. Dr. Gesundheit: Sandy Becker. Special guest appearance by Sabu as Chief Dawson.

07  BEAT THE CROCK (Game Show) New! Ordinary schlubs team up with celebrity schlubs to see who can swim across The Pool of Death without getting pulled under. Emcee: Orville Redenbacher.

7:17 p.m. 11  MOVIE–TRAGEDY

“That Darned Hamster!” (1961)  The Bowery Boys tangle with an ancient Ethiopian sorceress brought back to life by fish flakes, and only Duncan the Hamster can save the day–if they can find him! Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Madame Fong: Dame Judith Anderson. Song: “Oh, Those Cedar Shavings!” Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:30 p.m.  02  SPEAKING IN MONOSYLLABLES–EDUCATION

Don’t waste time with words when simple grunts will do! Tonight: Professor Spigot reduces Moby Dick to a mere 20 seconds, using grunts, eye-rolling, and hand gestures.

05  GRIME AND PUNISHMENT–COURTROOM DRAMA

Judge Hobart Hornswoggle tries re-enacted criminal and civil cases involving kitchen grease and various kinds of slop–in front of a jury of stuffed plush animals.

Well, that’s all I have time for now–I have to hurry on to the next post. See you in a bit.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, May 22 REPRINT

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multiple image galleries

From May 22, 2021

G’dy, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s TV offerings from Quokka University. Last week they tried to catch us with the goods, and we had a narrow escape: fortunately the cops were too big to follow us into our burrows.

Anyway, if you’re looking for the absolute finest in TV viewing–greetings, pilgrim, your search is ended! (I heard that in a coffee commercial once: it sounds real cool.)

9:00 P.M.  Ch. 04   ALIEN CIRCUS BOY–Science Fiction/Western

How better for space aliens to prepare their conquest of the earth than by touring the Old West disguised as a traveling circus? This week: Hoozkwrthopofht the Clown (William Windom) gets picked up by a suspicious sheriff (Gilles de Rais), and it’s up to Ringmaster Mtghwowllixtll (Linda Hunt) to rescue him before his Delusion Cream wears off. Agnes: James Brolin

05  BIMBU EL-SAYEED–Discussion

Bimbu’s difficulties with English don’t stop him from simultaneously interviewing cartoon characters’ rights activist Judi Kazudi and medium Erica Tadpole, who is in contact with… well, nobody. Featuring Andrew Cuomo’s brain in a jar. With the Whoopee Goldberg Dancers.

10  THE BEST OF JOHN KERRY–Waste of Time

How do you compile “the best of” when there is no “best” to start with? Panelists (Roberto Duran, Peggy Cass, Sir Kenneth Clark, and Johnny Weismuller) try to figure it out! Host: A poorly-groomed, aggressive dog.

9:22 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Mystery/Horror

In “Lassie Goes Rogue” (1961), the beloved collie turns cunning killer and terrorizes the small town of Bab-O, Czechoslovakia. Can the Bowery Boys track her down and stop her before she depopulates the region; or will Lassie finish them off first? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Dr. Potatosky: Hale Boggs. Shell collector: Jack LaLanne. Lassie’s Mom: Eleanor Roosevelt.

10:06 P.M.  Ch. 33  WHO CAN SQUEEZE THROUGH THE NARROW OPENING?–Game Show for Claustrophobics

Oversized celebrity contestants try to force themselves through increasingly constricted openings. Host: Rosie O’Donnell. With Woody Woodpecker and his orchestra.

Well! That certainly makes me want to sit down and watch hours and hours of TV! Break out the potato chips!

Quokka U. TV Listings

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Meet the Quokka

As promised, boys ‘n’ girls, here are more TV listings. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Quokka University has its own TV network–but I’ll let Byron the Quokka explain.

[Enter, laughing] G’day! Don’t ask me how we got all those TV shows–I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Just enjoy the listings–and if anyone asks, I haven’t been here today.

1 p.m.

02. Movie, “Dadburn!” (1952) A middle-aged seamstress (Linda Hunt) comes to terms with herself and becomes a professional assassin. Scotty: James Doohan. Number One: Barbara Billingsly.

03. Literary Mischief. E.M. Forster takes Virginia Woolf to the drive-in movie, unaware that J.D. Salinger has hidden a body in the back seat. Forster: Godfrey Cambridge. Woolf: Loretta Young.

07. What’s My Delusion? (Game Show) Host: Angela Merkel. The wildest delusion gets the wildest prize.

1:30 p.m.

04. Mid-Day News with Harpo Marx.

07. Sports. “Fishing with the Sadducees.”

09. The Gallumphing Gourmet (Cooking). Making hamburgers with ingredients that don’t exist. Guest: Clairvoyant Claire and the voice of Emperor Tiberius.

[Hey! Where did Byron go? Something tells me his heart isn’t in this.]

Byron’s TV Listings

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Quokkas tend to invite people over for a nice home-cooked meal every so often; they'll even wait for their guests by the door to greet them as soon as they arri… |

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, from Quokka University Broadcasting. By popular demand, here are some of today’s TV listings. Don’t ask me where we got those channels and all those shows. We have a Fifth Amendment here on Rottnest Island, and it’s got my name on it!

3:39 P.M.

04. Jan Can’t Cook. Your recipes are bound to turn out better than hers. Guest: Rachel Ray (tied to chair and gagged).

05. Toiling Away in Misery (Soap Opera). Danny and Sarah are exasperated when their little girl gets arrested for barratry. Danny: Vladimir Putin. Sarah: Una O’Connor.

07. “Itching for Trouble” (Movie, 1956). The Bowery Boys travel to London to perform a Shakespeare play. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, John Gielgud, Sophie Tucker.

3:56 P.M.

11. Beat the Zoning! (Game Show) See who can get past the town’s zoning board with the most objectionable building project. Contestants are all well-known shady developers. Host: Billy Sleaze.

04. Jan Still Can’t Cook! On the menu: Termite Puffs, Weed Salad, Unidentified Soup. Jan’s Therapist: Kim Jong Un.

12. College Bawl (Quiz). Teams from Harvard and Ohio State still deadlocked over last week’s question, “Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?” Host: Zacherley.

Well, that’s all for now! I’ve got to get far away from here before somebody gets arrested. I’ll be back with more next week, if we’re still on the air.