Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 23

TV Guide 10-16 September 1966

G’day, Jambo, Hello! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of rusticating TV brought to you by Quokka University, where we don’t have any courses going yet–really, it’s more fun collecting these little-known TV shows.

Here’s a sample of this weekend’s treasures:

8 P.M.  Ch. 14   THE WHALLTONS–Drama/Schmaltz

This knockoff of The Waltons was incredibly popular for two episodes; then the network pulled it, fearing a massive lawsuit. Today you could probably get away with transforming “the Waltons” into a cave-dwelling tribe of albino vampires; but back then, no way. This week’s episode: John Bat-Boy (Marcel Marceau) abducts Miss Teenage America (Margaret Hamilton)–only Poppa Bat wants to eat her. With Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs.

Ch. 26  WEEKLY NEWS WITH PORKY PIG–News

The FCC is gonna kill us for airing this! Porky stumbles and stutters through the week’s top news stories, with ineffective help from Elmer Fudd and crazed interruptions by Daffy Duck. Guest commentator: Howard Cosell.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 64   A MAN CALLED FOO-FOO–Western

Who is this mysterious stranger who roams the Old West, forcing people to play dodge-ball whether they want to or not? This week, a former UFO abductee (Al Roker) threatens to reveal Foo-Foo’s real name. Rabbi Jones: Jackie Gleason. The Egyptologist: A man who looks like Nehru. Tubgoat Annie: Heather Locklear.

8:12 P.M.  Ch. 92  MOVIE–Horror/Science Fiction/Drivel

In “Ow! My Aching Coccyx” (1963), the Bowery Boys (Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall) square off against the June Taylor Dancers for control of a star-gate that takes you to New Jersey. Special guest star: Leandro the Giant Jellyfish. Not so special guest star: Yoko Ono.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   FIND THAT ANTIDOTE!–Game Show

Celebrity contestants (Emanuel Macron, Lynda Schprunckt, Whoopi Goldberg, Hunter Biden) have been secretly injected with a deadly drug and have just 20 minutes to find the antidote! Host: Vincent Price. With T.S. Eliot and Buster Crabbe.

Well! That selection ought to get you going, or I’m a platypus! I’m also a major fan of Leandro the Giant Jellyfish, who used to be on TV a lot, a long time ago. I wonder what happened to him.

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Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 25

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

Blimey! The next time I do this, it’ll be October!

G’day, this is Byron the Quokka with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. If there’s not a game of Clue going in your neighborhood, these shows are the next best thing.

5:45 P.M.  Ch. 41   TALK LIKE ELMER FUDD!–Educational

John Gielgud’s family and friends seriously considered having him put away while he was doing this series for Josip P. Broz’s People’s Public Television. Once he got started talking like Elmer Fudd, he couldn’t stop! For a good while there, it endangered his career. Featured guests: Anthony Quinn, Irene Ryan.

6 P.M.  Ch. 08   UNCONTROLLED RAVING ABOUT SPORTS–Sports

Caspar Hoojah does himself an injury as he overreacts to this week’s news in sports! Last week he jumped out his studio’s second-floor window because the Yankees got yanked. This week, who knows? The walls of his studio have since been padded: we’ll see if that keeps him out of the hospital. With R.D. Laing and his orchestra.

Ch. 16  MOVIE–Steamy Jungle Romance

In “Steaming Jungle Passion” (1996), Prof. Gargle (Leonard Bernstein) leads an expedition into the Amazon rain forest in search of Batboy (Frank Buttocks)–only to discover a long-lost city of maniacs ruled by fantastically beautiful women, all of whom want the professor and will do anything to get him! Boobah: Ellen Burstyn. Crowd of lunatics: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “Itchy Jungle Disease”

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 12  CTHULHU & CO.–Cartoons

Inspired by the horror tales of H. P. Lovecraft, these cartoons are guaranteed to freak you out! Many viewers require long-term psychiatric therapy after just one or two exposures. Others, we regret to say, join disreputable cults. Host: Uncle Jack Torrance. Puppets: Beto O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren.

Ch. 52  “YOUR MOVE, STUPID!”–Game Show

Can you play Monopoly, poker, checkers, and Candy Land at the same time? Our celebrity contestants will try to do just that, rushing from table to table as the overhead Monster Clock ticks away… Raul Castro this week puts his title on the line against The Dixie Chicks, Dan Rather, and Barney Rubble. Host: a disembodied head floating in a jar, we don’t know whose.

Well, mates, there you go! Maybe you should record some of these, in case Q.U. ever has to open its doors and start teaching courses. But for the time being, it’s party time!

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Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 18

Ep. 1 TV Guide 1969

Hullo, hullo, hullo! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s glorious weekend television (Were we supposed to offer classes, somewhere along the line?), just what you need to stave off boredom and stage a hearty revel. Here’s a little peek at the menu!

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 04   GET A HEAD!–Drama/Comedy

Charlie Pennzoil (Chuck Connors) is one of only a very few persons to survive a beheading. But watch what happens when he tries to get his old job back as a Walmart greeter! Mrs. Pushmapullya: Debbie Reynolds. Dr. Fauci: A Marionette. Music by Herb Alpert’s old trombone teacher.

Ch. 05   ‘GOOD JOB!’–Game Show

Join host Marcel Marceau as teams of college students compete recklessly to see who can do really simple tasks without breaking down and having to retreat to the crying booth. Tonight’s challenges: telling time, making Tang, reading a building directory, and opening a box of animal crackers without spilling it. And all contestants win those encouraging words, “Good job!”

7 P.M.  Ch. 16   TALES OF THE WITHERED LEAF–Melodrama

Visit the saddest old tavern in Merrie Olde England, where everyone suffers from easily avoidable troubles of their own making. This Week: Snugg the Carpenter laments drilling a hole through the top of his foot while inebriated–while Mrs. Snugg embarks on an affair with the town lecher. All parts played by hand puppets! With the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 21   RESTORING THE MING DYNASTY–Unclassifiable

Dr. Fong Hsueh-ting travels all over America seeking survivors of the Ming Dynasty, which ended in 1644. If he finds any, he will let us know. “I can’t imagine where they all went,” he admits. “I don’t know how many times I’ve asked Robert Stack and Unsolved Mysteries to help me. Go jump in a lake, they say.”

7:17 P.M.   Ch. 46  MOVIE–Unwatchable Rubbish

Critics are still wondering why Jack Nicholson and Ginger Rogers ever allowed themselves to appear in “Zombie Pogo Sticks” (1998), the first and last movie directed by U.S. Senator Bob Dole. Invasion of zombies who get around by means of pogo sticks: theater owners complained the film was setting off bouts of motion sickness among the audience.

Well! If that doesn’t plant you in front of your TV set this weekend, I don’t know what will! Honest, that movie isn’t as bad as it looks…

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Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 28

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1967

Greetings, felicitations, and whatnot! Welcome to another weekend of sumptuous TV brought to you by Quokka University (we promise to get some classes started eventually). I’m your host, Byron the Quokka–and here’s just a little sample of this weekend’s indescribable TV Menu.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 03  SELF-ESTEEM OLYMPICS–Sports

Live from Tobolsk, Siberia. No winners, no losers! Every contestant gets a Participation Trophy and a “Good job!” from a qualified pre-school teacher’s aide. Tonight’s events: synchronized whining, pissing and moaning. Hosts: Kim Jong Un, Martha Stewart.

Ch. 04   THE TOWN TOO DEAD TO DIE–Western/Musical

Eking out a miserable living in a town that has no economy, starving and dispirited residents look to Sheriff Elston Howard (Arnold Stang) to lift their spirits with cheery cowboy songs. Tonight’s featured song: My Horse Hates Me. With the June Taylor Dancers.

7:45 P.M.  Ch. 12   NEWS-O-MANIA WITH TONY FAUCI–News/Ca-Ca

The show that first enhanced the TV news-watching experience by having scary faces with loud noises suddenly flash onto the screen! Grown men fling their own children out of the way as they try to crawl under the bed! Tonight: “Deadly Terror Threats in Your Own Neighborhood That You Never Suspected But Are Only Just Waiting to Kill You.”

8:00 P.M.   Ch. 07  LUNCH WITH STOOPY–(You’re Asking Us?)

Why they schedule a lunchtime show at 8:00 at night is a complete mystery. Tonight: Join host Gerhard “Stoopy” Roskolnikov and his guest, Dr. Joyce Brothers, as they pick at some iffy tuna salad. With Jumbo the Norwegian Elkhound and his orchestra. (The baton is attached to his tail.)

Ch. 22   MOVIE–Horror/Drama/Philosophy

“Filippo Donati Must Die!” (Italian; 1977) stars Jabba the Hutt as a cynical private eye investigating the murder of a man who may never have existed in the first place. Filippo Donati: Alan Alda. Miss Havisham: Arlene Francis. The Conductor on the Hell-Bound Train: Monte Hall. Watch for cameo appearances by nameless Hollywood extras!

Well! Rain or shine, these shows ought to keep you glued to your easy chair–or your nice tuffet of beach-grass, whatever. Snatch of a handful of nice, chewy leaves… and bob’s yer uncle!

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More False Facts (This One’s for Dave)

Cute Overload Series - Happy White Rabbit Photograph by Roeselien Raimond

(Our dear friend and colleague, Dave, aka “thewhiterabbit”, and his wife are down with COVID and very sick. We pray for their recovery: save them, O Lord! Dave has always been a fan of our False Facts: we hope he’s able to enjoy them today. This one’s for you, brother!)

G’day from Quokka University, where our fund-raising just has to get better! Maybe if we had some classes… Well, anyhow, Acme False Facts will donate half the proceeds of this sale of Super False Facts Vol. 1–and here are a few sample false facts to whet your appetite. Remember! It’s now what you say, but how you say it. Practice in the mirror until you can get anybody to believe anything.

Like for instance–

*Ninjas really can jump twenty feet straight up, and backwards, to land safely on a tree branch. We seen it on TV!

*Days of Wine and Roses was originally a science fiction novel, Days of Wine and Robots, written by Chiang Kai-shek. It got changed by accident, and by the time the error was discovered, it was too late to change back to the original.

*At the court of Czar Alexander IV, the wearing of stilts was mandatory and anyone who showed up without them would be taken to the dungeon to have his legs stretched on a rack.

*Germany was inhabited by vegan movie stars until the Romans invaded it.

*Searching for the source of the Nile in North America instead of Africa, the explorer Sir Pendrick Duracell, after 26 years of futility, in 1952 admitted the failure of his quest. No sooner had he done so than Gumboil Creek, in Kansas, was identified as a “remote source” of the Nile. Sir Pendrick had ruled it out in 1938. “I feel like a dicky-doo-dah now!” he said.

You can get the whole set of Super False Facts for a mere $299.98, plus postage–and don’t complain about the price! You’re buying prestige here, scout!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, July 31

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here on behalf–where did that word come from?–of Quokka University, where we find the world’s best forgotten TV shows for your weekend viewing orgies.

I’m sorry, there seems to be something wrong with my choice of words today. Here are a few samples from this weekend’s menu.

2 P.M.   Ch. 00   ANDY PHNUGLUIH–Variety

The public has always wondered why Andy Phnugluih, with all his talent, never became a major star. A few episodes of this show might suggest an explanation. This week’s guests: Col. Wxha Bochgeshvili, Susan Mfoyay.

Ch. 07   SCHMENDRICK THE MAGICIAN–Western

Travel the Wild West with the only magician in Oklahoma Territory who can make his enemies think they’re axolotls! This episode: When the Tumorville Bank is robbed by real axolotls, Sheriff Witless (Andrew Cuomo) turns to Schmendrick (Andy Devine)… as the fall guy! Ma Bell: Sophia Loren

2:16 P.M.  Ch. 12   PEOPLE NAMED AFTER CARTOON CHARACTERS–Morbid Nonsense

Join host Chiang Kai-shek as he journeys all over Cartoon County, Kansas, to interview unfortunate  persons actually named Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Sylvester Pussycat, Elmer Fudd, etc. This week’s question: What happens when a cop writes you a speeding ticket and asks your name? Featuring Artie the Hamster and his orchestra.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 22   HAWAIIAN EYEBALL–Mystery

Detective Oswin Prong (Andre the Giant) solves crimes by peering through keyholes! This week: When crime boss Wan Hung Lo (Danny Kaye) threatens to “hang a lulu on Honolulu,” Police Chief Jack Benny (Jack Benny) resigns and Prong has to take his place. This brings on a spell of horrendous weeping. Spectacularly special guest star: Wanda Hershberger.

Ch. 34   PUPPET HOME REPAIRS–Educational

In this new PBS series, the Bil Botch Marionettes demonstrate assorted home repairs: how to clean up bloodstains, how to avoid hanging a door upside-down, the ins and outs of outdoor plumbing, what to do when you’ve been electrocuted… The puppet crew features Footra the Ballarina, Binx the Irascible Centipede, and Bungo the Klutz. Special guests: the June Taylor Dancers.

Well, there you have it! Stock up on tasty leaves and settle in for entertainment like you never believed was possible.

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Byron’s TV Listings, July 24

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1966

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here with another weekend of spectacular television brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where these programs came from! It’s a state secret.

Here are a few examples. Happy viewing!

8 P.M.  Ch. 04  CELEBRITY PHILOSOPHY–Drivel

Join host Mickey Rivers as he grills celebrity guests on the great questions of life! If I’m not me, then why do I look like me? Do bookcases know they’re bookcases? Is free will compatible with high fashion? Panel: Phil Silvers, Paul Lynde, Charo, Zsa Zsa Gabor. Featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger and his orchestra.

Ch. 08   HILLBILLY SKIN DIVERS–Drama/Geography

Grampa Hooty (Emmanuel Kant) continues his search for the Lost Appalachian Ocean, only to learn that those pesky Hatfields and McCoys have stolen his aqualung. Possum Hatfield: Jacques Cousteau. Grannie Bogoljubov: Vanna White. With stock footage from Col. John D. Craig.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 22   YAN CAN’T COOK–Exotic Cookery

Chef LeRoy “Frenchy” Yan tries his hand at Lake Victoria gnat pie, but all the gnats escape into his kitchen. The mossbunker cakes don’t turn out so well, either. Special Guest: the woman from the local board of health.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   CRIMINAL COPS–Police Drama

Lake Apocalypse Police Chief Bruce Loose (John Candy) encourages his officers to rob the 7-11 before the local criminals can get around to it. “Eventually they’ll go straight because everyplace has already been robbed,” the reasoning goes. Deputy LaFong: John Cassavetes. Joey the Clam: Richard Burton.

Ch. 31  MOVIE–Science Fiction/Melodrama

In “I Cover the Beehives” (1958), rogue entomologist Jane Payne (Greta Garbo) tries to romance reclusive philanthropist Zane Grayne (Ray Milland) by cross-breeding killer bees with grizzly bears–with predictable results! Song: “I’ve Got Zits”

And there you have it, boys and girls! We have discovered that no less a personage than Frankie Poppadoppoulos tunes in here every weekend. Who would’ve thought it?

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Byron’s TV Listings, July 17

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1965

It’s much too hot to go outside and play Squamish today! G’day, everybody, Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here are a few samples guaranteed to whet your appetite!

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   NUDE FLY FISHING–Sports

Join our Nobel Prize-winning hostess, Rigoberta Menchu, for celebrity nude fly fishing! Guests: Honus Wagner, Debbie Reynolds, Chet Huntley. With the June Taylor Dancers. This week’s surprise–an alligator where they least expect it.

Ch. 11  TRASH TALK–Educational/Boring

Host Harry “Mr. Boredom” Grubstake and guest Charo discuss how archaeologists three thousand years from now might mistake our landfills for random heaps of junk. With Bertrand Russell and his kazoo orchestra.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 02   MR. GOGGLE–Children’s Show

[Note from Byron: You wouldn’t believe what we went through to get this one!]

Mr. Goggle is the monster whose bloodshot right eye is three times the size of his squinty left eye; and when he peers into bedroom windows, children wake up screaming. Banned from 50 different networks when it debuted in 1957! Condemned by act of Congress! Watch at your own risk.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 44   UNSUNG OPERAS–Educational/Musical

Just because they never made it to any opera house doesn’t mean that these were shoddy operas! This week, from Mongo High School in New Jersey: Il Provalone, by Chuck Worst–sung by the cast of Gilligan’s Island, conducted by the high school janitor because the real conductor never showed up. Don’t miss Bob Denver’s aria, Vado al Teatro, Fettuccine!

8 P.M.  Ch. 16   MR. DOOFUS–Sitcom/Tragedy

When every single one of his students fails the math section of the SATs, Mr. Doofus (Brian Blessed) gets a trophy from his teachers’ union. Meanwhile Ms. Scatterby (Heather Locklear) takes a course on “How to Infuriate People.” Mr. Screwtape: Andy Griffith. A Giant Squid: a giant squid.

Well! That should get you cranking! This is Byron, signing off.

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Byron’s TV Listings, July 3

See the source image

G’day–and happy Fourth of July to all you Americans! And just in case it rains, us fun-makers here at Quokka University are all set to provide you with inutterably fantastic television! I’m Byron the Quokka, and you have my word on it!

Let’s take a quick peek at some of the offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 14  GOOD COP, BAD COP–Police Drama

Tuberville, Alabama, can only afford a one-man police department, but Sheriff Pat Gesundheit is up to the job! He’s the only sheriff in America who’s able to do that “good cop/bad cop” routine all by himself–and does it ever scare the suspects! This week Gesundheit grills a suspected mummy-stealer (Gavin Newsom) who may have looted the town’s Museum of Horrible Curiosities. Curator: Linda Hunt. Security Guard: Haystacks Calhoun.

Ch. 15  CELEBRITY TANNING–Game Show

What–did you think this was about sun-tans? Perish the thought! Join host Vlad the Impaler as he compels celebrity guests to try to tan fresh nauga-hides. Contestants: Buddy Hackett, Elizabeth Warren, Cleopatra, Wayne Dyer. With Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:11 P.M.  Ch. 26  WORLD NEWS WITH HAMSTERS–News

Instead of watching some stupid anchorman or info-babe, you can watch hamsters on their wheelies as Misterrogers reads you the news very soothingly no matter how bad it is. But if it doesn’t worry the hamsters, why should it worry you?

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   SOUTH BELUGASTAN STICK PAINTING–Educational

Master Fhtugn Czynnaa demonstrates the delicate art of using sticks and twigs picked up from the ground to create delicate paintings of shameful scenes involving the South Belugastan Stock Exchange. Guest celebrity: Fum Chee Fum, a giant.

Ch. 31  CITY OF GIANT BUGS–Sitcom/Tragedy

The Fop family (Joe Besser, Rosemary DeCamp, Hunter Biden) move into their new house only to discover that their whole neighborhood has been overrun by various insects as big as Volkswagens. It’s very hard to mow the grass with a giant mantis stalking you! Neighbors: Dame Judith Anderson, Sir Derek Jacobi. Good Humor Man: Sir Michael Redgrave.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, that ought to hold you for another weekend! Just remember, though–if anybody starts asking awkward questions, you haven’t seen me and you don’t know what they’re talking about!

Byron’s TV Listings, June 19

What's On TV October 16, 1962 – PugetSoundMedia

G’day, TV watchers! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of scrumptious TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University. And if you’re wondering where we got these shows–don’t ask!

Here are some samples to whet your appetite.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 10  MOVIE–Tragedy/Musical

The classic Greek tragedy “Medea” (1956) gets a musical makeover with Zsa Zsa Gabor in the title role. Featuring the hit song, “Jason, Schmason, Where’s the Basin?” Jason: Zero Mostel. Theseus: Phil Silvers. Featuring Elston Howard and his orchestra.

Ch. 12 WHAT’S MY SHAMEFUL SECRET?–Game Show

Join host Bill Cullen as he reveals the celebrity guests’ most shameful secrets! Panel: Eleanor Roosevelt, Mel Blanc, Andy Devine, and Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers, with Dr. Phil to provide free counseling to the nationally disgraced winner.

Ch. 16  KHAN FOR A DAY–Situation Comedy

Cousin Sven (Jack Soo) has inherited a Mongol horde–and doesn’t know what to do with it! Can he figure it out before they eat him out of house and home? Mayor Fortinbras: Phyllis Diller. President Johnson: Edgar Buchanan. Special guest star: Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 21   PINKY LEE’S JOURNAL–News/Talk/Gibberish

Comedian Pinky Lee interviews newsmakers Mervyn Puncho and talking dolphin Flipper McGee on the crisis of cocktail waitresses going on strike in Zanzibar. Has the Senate got an ace up its sleeve?

7:37 P.M.  Ch. 36  ACTION IN THE AFTERNOON–Western Drama

Horror impresario Zacherley plays the town undertaker of Codbiter, New Mexico. There’s no need for him to drum up business when depressed gunslinger The Toledo Kid (James Earl Jones) comes to town! Florist: Jack Elam. Interior Decorator: George “The Animal” Steele. Sheriff Shootfirst: Bob Denver.

And that’s only a sample of what you’ll get when you tune in this weekend! Make sure you have plenty of eucalyptus leaves on hand.

Quokka eating a leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Alamy