G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and as you can see in the picture, we’re all working like galley slaves to try to fix this blog. July really clobbered it, what with all those internet outages and such.
Here at Quokka U., we’re toiling behind the scenes to try to breathe life back into this blog. I could tell you about some poor blighter whose blood pressure monitor gave up the ghost this morning, but he told me not to mention it, so I won’t.
At the highest level, the thinking is that if there were more on this blog about pick-up sticks, it’d keep viewers coming back for more.
It’s hard, though, to get proper pick-up sticks video. This one comes with a clumsy human who wouldn’t last five minutes in a game against a quokka.
There’s also some support for upping the stakes in the comment contests–like that time we gave away the Mona Lisa as a prize. It wasn’t my fault we had to give it back.
G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, on what is sure to be forever remembered as an historic occasion!
Because on this day, a new science is born. Brand-new! In fact, if you want to earn a degree in it, the only place in the whole world where you can do that is right here at Quokka University! Because we have a monopoly on the new science of…
Even as Cryptozoology is the study of animals that have to be found before they can be studied, because they may or may not exist, so is cryptogeography the study of places that may or may not exist. [Note to Board of Sages: we owe Phoebe S. an honorary doctorate in Cryptogeography, for coining the name.]
Did you ever try to go someplace and never get there–and you thought it was because you just got lost somehow? Well! Maybe the place was really there… and maybe it wasn’t. I mean, really, blimey, how do you get to Brigadoon, or Gondor, or the Seven Cities of Gold? Poor Coronado wandered all over the map and never found the place that he was looking for. How many times have you been told, “Just keep on going down Route Whatsit, and you can’t miss it”? And then you do miss it, because it isn’t there! But maybe, just maybe, it was there yesterday.
What makes lost cities lost? How do they get found again?
You can see the world’s been needing a science of Cryptogeography for quite a long time.
And as we say here at Q.U.–Ipso loquitur mannimota!
G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with an important announcement. Drop whatever you’re doing (unless you’re making nitroglycerine) and listen up.
We have decided to offer a course in Cryptozoology here at Quokka U., starting sometime in the future. What is Cryptozoology, you ask? Well, plain old Zoology is the study of plain old animals; but Cryptozoology studies animals that might not exist. But of course you’ve got to find them before you can study them.
Cryptozoology at Quokka U. will focus on searching for some of the most elusive critters known–well, okay, not known–to science. Here are some of the ones we’ll be really looking for:
Customer service reps who actually serve the customer.
College English majors who can actually speak and write English.
Really big and important people who don’t lie.
Leading socialists who don’t get rich.
The problem is, as soon as a cryptozoologist finally finds one of these creatures, it ceases to be cryptozoology and instantly becomes plain old zoology instead. Once they find Bigfoot, he won’t be ours anymore.
Well, the crypto-critters we’re after have proved to be a lot more elusive than Bigfoot.
Depending on how many students sign up for the course, we’ll get up an expedition to the Outback and see what’s out there.
G’day–or not. Byron the Quokka here, and it’s official: here at this blog, July’s a disaster.
Daily viewership is down by 120 views a day. Ouch! But that’s only the blog. If you think we’re having a picnic at Quokka University, think again!
We have lost our most celebrated special guest lecturer before the semester even starts. Professor Aristotle Bottle, “the one-man philosophy course,” the Living Legend of Smartness, world-renowned author of Wet Wood Burns the Best–holy cow, we’re not gonna have him! He has been hospitalized after attempting to prove that an open manhole cover does not necessarily imply the existence of a manhole. Broke his coccyx going down.
Well, I’m glad we haven’t charged any money for his lectures, and I’m glad we didn’t pay him up front. But how do you replace a superstar like that?
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, happy to report that the prizes for the last two comment contests have gotten to where they were going and it would be okay to start a new comment contest if it wasn’t still too soon to do it.
Y’know, we’re trying to start a world-class university here, aren’t we? They don’t just spring into existence out of nowhere, do they? Like Athena from the forehead of Sherlock Holmes. No, fellow mammals–it takes a lot of work, meticulous planning, and constant care. Otherwise these college types show up and turn it into Stupidville. That is not on the program for Quokka U.!
But what does Lee want me to do? Run more contests! Like I’ve got all this time on my paws! Can I help it if the blog’s month of July fell flat on its face coming out of the starting gate? Who do I look like–Walt Disney? (Actually we have a quokka who’s a dead ringer for Walt Disney: you couldn’t tell them apart.)
Yeah, I remember, we had the Bell Mountain Movie contest that everybody wanted to read about but only three readers ever entered. There was something wrong with that contest, but I don’t know what: it was before my time. Maybe if he had a quokka running it… But I am not going to volunteer to run a second movie contest!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to get Flora Fauna, the creator of The Smallpox Twins, to come here as a guest lecturer.
G’day, folks, Byron the Quokka here! The quokka in the picture is Handy, the captain of Quokka University’s pick-up sticks team. Somebody’s giving him a twig. Handy sometimes forgets just what kind of sticks you’re supposed to pick up in pick-up sticks. The picture below is a reminder, in case he’s reading this.
Now, a lot of us thought we ought to join the NCAA so we could contend for an international collegiate pick-up sticks championship. But first we find out they want, like, a zillion dollars’ membership fee, right up front; and then we find out they don’t even have a pick-up sticks conference!
College! They don’t have pick-up sticks, but they’ve got Beyonce studies. Well, we guess Quokka U. is just going to have to blaze a trail, aren’t we? Our motto isn’t Ipso loquitur mannimota for nothing! Meanwhile, would you believe it, a newborn baby Quokka has been named Ipso! Let’s see Hambone University top that–even if they’re in the NCAA and we aren’t.
We’ve got to find some pick-up sticks teams that we can play against. They have one in Canberra, but it’s just a bunch of clumsy humans who get silly after 15 minutes of it.
If your town or school or college has a pick-up sticks team that wants to come to Rottnest Island for a match, please contact the Quokka U. Athletic Dept., care of Mrs. Wanda Nichols, Kookaburra Heights Caravan Park, Hellzapoppin, W. Australia.
I can’t believe I forgot to tell you this yesterday. We’ve lined up two more fantastic celebrities as guest lecturers for the opening semester at Quokka University!
No, that’s not them up there in the pictures. It’s just me, Byron the Quokka, posing for the university yearbook.
Who are these fantastic celebrities, you ask? I hope you’re sitting down!
Celebrity No. 1 is none other than Bruno Pong, the Official World Champion of Underwater Chess! How we ever got him, I don’t know. Underwater chess is hard because the pieces keep floating up from the board, it takes an incredible amount of skill just to get a game started. And the fish are always trying to eat them. Plus you’ve got to hold your breath!
As for Celebrity No. 2, hang onto your hats! I don’t know a quokka who hasn’t read Mrs. Kate Rochemotel’s immortal novel of romance, drama, and corruption in the world of pick-up sticks–I mean, this is, like, the War and Peace of pick-up sticks! I guess that’s why its title is The War and Peace of Pick-up Sticks. I love the audiobook version read by that British actor who screams the whole thing at the top of his lungs. I’m sure Mrs. Rochemotel will have some cool stories about him!
We can hardly wait for the semester to get started. Ipso loquitur mannimota!
G’day, Byron the Quokka here. And hooray, hooray for the month of June, Quokka U. will be open soon!
I can hardly believe our good fortune! Late yesterday we received a $12 (!) grant from one of our most beloved celebrities, the immortal Helen Schnitzelbonk of Pie-Eye Nebraska, USA–Helen Schnitzelbonk, who won the hearts of quokkas everywhere with her death-defying ascent–by pogo stick, mind you!–of Mt. Cornucopeia… while it was erupting. True, it was a rather small eruption; but Helen didn’t know that at the time.
Twelve dollars! Think what we can do with that. Of course, it’s twelve dollars in American money, I don’t know what that comes out to in real money, but it’s still more than we had in our whole treasury two days ago. My vote is, we buy a bicycle with it.
So now we are shooting for a September opening of our first semester and trying to beautify our campus here on Rottnest Island (kangaroos leave things lying around that no one should see). I think by then we’ll have two more woven grass dorms finished–and I hope we’ll have selected a mascot by then.
And for now, in the words of our university’s classic Latin motto, “Ipso loquitur mannimota!”
G’day, a day late! Byron the Quokka here; and I never made it to the blog yesterday because we were all busy putting the finishing touches on our 100% original new school song for Quokka University! It was composed by a committee, so you know it’s bound to be good. Here’s the first verse: you’ll have to imagine me singing it. If you can’t, then imagine Pavarotti. Next best thing.
At Quokka University we laugh at all adversity!
We never bother with degrees, or courses, grades, or manatees!
We know the tricks of pick-up sticks, our team contains no lunatics–
Ipso loquitor mannimota! We’ve never been to South Dakota!
Some quokka named Foozle who hangs around with goanna lizards and has been influenced by their way of thinking says that last line is totally weak. “What in the world does South Dakota have to do with it?” I don’t like the face he makes when he says something like that. Well, the committee voted to keep the line, so there! If a couple of us do wind up visiting South Dakota (we hear it’s very nice!) we’ll just change the words to something else that rhymes: quota, iota, whatever.
And now I’ve got to go round up some popcorn, because before you know it, it’ll be Oy, Rodney time; and even a nit like Foozle won’t want to miss that.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and that’s the great Alvin Kasavubu’s blue bike in the background. I am jumping for joy because I found it!
Mr. Kasavubu very kindly agreed to be our first celebrity lecturer here at Quokka University. He is one of the world’s foremost experts on how to keep frogs from jumping off your head once you put them up there, and we were all very excited to have him.
Well, he showed up on his bicycle; and imagine our dismay when his bike went missing! I hope nobody thinks any of us quokkas tried to steal it. After all, our feet can’t reach the pedals. Anyway, poor Mr. Kasavubu, when he’d finished his lecture and wanted to go home, couldn’t find his bike. Was he ever upset! And we all had to go looking for it.
Happily, it wasn’t stolen, after all: somebody just moved it. We suspect wombats. They can’t resist a bit of joy-riding. If we ever find out who actually moved the bike, we’ll have to put them on academic probation. If we can figure out how to do that.
But at least we had the lecture, and a very interesting lecture it was!
We are well on our way to creating one of the world’s great universities.