G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest exciting progress report from Quokka University.
We’re going to have a School of Architecture!
Y’know, everyone thinks he can design and build a building–and look at the mess they make of it. By contrast, here I am having dinner in Quokka U’s all-new Leon G. Fuzzymuzzle Cafeteria. What a difference raw architectural know-how makes!
Once we get around to actually having students, we expect our architectural graduates to revolutionize building design all over Rottnest Island–and maybe the world. I mean, have you seen that monstrosity they call the London City Hall? Looks like a giant pimple!
Well, you can bet your last leaf that we won’t be building anything like that. Even those jimbos in London could’ve done better, if they’d used grass and sticks and twigs. And because we use all natural building materials, our city hall would’ve cost practically nothing.
We can hardly wait to open Quokka U to everyone who loves learning (and can pay the tuition!).
While Lee goes off to bang his head against the wall after a morning of studying the nooze, we’re creating a new department for Quokka University!
Byron the Quokka here, mates–and that’s Loueezee the Quokka looking back over her shoulder at the first little stirrings of our university’s Dept. of Made-Up Languages. We’ve been advised by the Global University Accreditation Board (GUAB–easy to remember! “Have you got your GUAB?”) that every accredited university or college must include in its curriculum a certain percentage of “studies” that are demonstrably useless. Otherwise, no GUAB certificate!
So we’re gonna offer a whole degree program in Made-Up Languages, most of them made up right there in the classroom. We are shooting for something even more useless than Superhero Studies. It’s gonna cost extra tuition, too!
Classes will be held in the bum-bum bushes immediately behind that old dead tree where Art Depreciation meets. There aren’t going to be any professors. It seems no one wants to be a professor of Made-Up Languages. You can usually talk Albert the Wallaby into anything, but even he didn’t want this. “Yer ammy befrond!” he said. He was either quoting Constable Chumley or saying something rude in a language that he just made up.
We have to create a few more departments before we can open for business; but I think we’ll have a pretty easy time getting our GUAB.
G’day–or not so good! Byron the Quokka here, and I dassn’t tell you where “here” is because there’s a bloke runnin’ all over Rottnest Island trying to slap a lawsuit on me. I knew these new dorms had to be good for something. They look just like tufts of grass, don’t they?
I can hardly believe there’s someone suing us–suing Quokka University, by jove!–for teaching things that aren’t true. Good grief! Do you think you can get a college accredited by teaching truth? Pull the other one! The whole academic world would come after us with shotguns if we ever taught anything that’s true.
We are in trouble because we plainly labeled our false facts “False Facts.” Guaranteed not to be true! You have our word on it! Crikey, they’re not our false facts at all, we’re just usin’ ’em for fund-raising: it’s Acme False Facts Inc. that they ought to be suing.
Well, now we’re going to have to go to the bother of luring the crocodile in from the salt marshes and luring the lawsuit wallah into the pond with the crocodile. We are told that this is what universities do with anyone who gets in their way. Well, we do want our accreditation, don’t we? When in Rome, etc.
(I have to get back outside and write some more of my book–but first here’s Byron the Quokka with a special announcement.)
G’day! Byron the Quokka here–that’s me inspecting the groundwork for what will one day be Quokka University’s auxiliary lecture hall. But we’ll need more money to finish the job, and that’s where this special edition of Acme False Facts comes in. For a mere $250 (you see they’ve lowered the price), you can get a set of False Facts Flash Cards which will enable you to dazzle your friends with your esoteric knowledge.
To whet your appetite, here are just a few samples.
*Cave men with guns killed off the dinosaurs. You could look it up.
*The first Club Med was established in Harbin, Manchuria, in 1952. It’s still the most popular Club Med in Manchuria.
*A 1969 poll by the Sons of Bacchus softball team revealed that hardly anyone likes cauliflower stewed in maple syrup.
*The first cell phone was invented in ancient Egypt in 1298 B.C. but was suppressed by Pharaoh Ramses II when he got one too many calls from Hittites selling time shares in a Syrian cave that turned out to be haunted.
*The Common English Pencil Bug can actually be used as a pencil. It even has an eraser!
So there you have it. Shoulders back, chest out, and head held high–deliver these guaranteed false facts with all the conviction you can muster, and enjoy your new career as a sage.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here with Uncle Shinbone, and that’s the Quokka University Political Science Dept. offices in the background. It needs a little more work.
Having been unable to get us 300 or more views for three days in a row, Uncle Shinbone now says it’s not his fault, the wind wasn’t blowing properly, and what the heck, he’s going fishing. “Let one of those smart-aleck wombats try,” he says.
I don’t know what it is with him and fishing, he never catches anything. Well, all right, he once caught a picture of a fish. Not many humans can say they’ve done that. I guess I’ll just have to figure out some other way to get the views back up to speed. Meanwhile, “I’m going for marlin,” Uncle Shinbone says. We all have our dreams, don’t we?
G’day! Uncle Shinbone here with Byron in the main foyer of Abombalbap Hall on the campus of Quokka University. Don’t you love the way the roots come down from the ceiling? I can’t wait to see the main lecture hall when it’s finished.
Well, if you’re not quokka’d out by now, I’m here to tell you I counted 363 views yesterday, so that’s two days in a row over 300 and now, today, we’ll see if I can make good on my pledge to count 300 or more views per day for three days in a row. You should hear all the wallaroos whispering, “It’s only old Shinbone! He’ll never do it!”
Well, I think I can, and “Fap!” to the lot of ’em!
I’ll never figure out blogging. Sunday we had a day that would’ve done credit to March of 2020, and there was Lee’s wife saying it’s back to normal again, they’ve fixed whatever was wrong, etc. And then the whole thing crashed again on Monday and is off to a very, very slow start today.
Byron the Quokka here, chairquokka of the Quokka U. Political Science Dept. I don’t know how I got roped into trying to revive this blog. But I suppose somebody has to do it.
I’ll be very interested to see whether those good viewership numbers can come back today, and I will certainly let you know if they do. If you don’t want to know, well, don’t read the post. Simply ignore the eye-catching headline. One of our professors, Uncle Shinbone, will be standing by to count the views as they come in, If I know him, he’s already run away to go fishing.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with big huge news from Quokka University!
Today we have founded our official and bona fide Political Science Dept. and put its first course in our sillibus. I’m not sure how to spell that word, which is embarrassing because they’ve made me the chairquokka of the department.
Anyway, our course is called “Archaic Ideas in Politics” and it’s all about a lot of old-fashioned political notions guaranteed to keep you from ever getting woke–ideas like cutting government down to size, preserving individual liberties, limiting the power of the big shots, relying on actual laws instead of mandates, and rescuing society from nimrods who act and talk like they came from eggs laid by defective platypuses. Sign up for this course now, before it gets so crowded that nobody goes there anymore.
Now all we need for our Political Science Dept. is some political scientists. I think I once saw one who got lost in our nearby mangrove swamp. If you want to teach political science here, drop me a line. The pay is all the nice leaves you can eat. Plus a bicycle!
Several liberals have already protested our course, so we know we’re on the right track.
Wow! Look at all those bicycles! Surely nobody would miss just one…
Byron the Quokka here, with excellent news! Meanwhile Lee is outside doing cartwheels (figure of speech: last time he really did a cartwheel, he split his pants) because Patty has fixed his computer.
For this achievement, the faculty at Quokka University has awarded her the designation of Honorary Quokka and appointed her QU’s resident Computer Expert. We realize the “resident” part cannot be taken literally, her living in New Jersey instead of Rottnest Island; but we think we have the communications technology to make it work.
It all goes to show how it pays to marry somebody who”s both smart and determined–smartest thing he ever did.
Now if we can only convince him to offer a bicycle as the prize for the next comment contest, maybe we can pump up the readership to what it used to be.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here. And the girl in the picture is named Proserpina (Annie for short): she was Miss Rottnest in 2017, and she’s here to tell you about Quokka University’s latest fund-raiser–False Facts Galore!
G’day, everybody, I’m chaaaahmed to be here! Hey, you can really go to town with False Facts Galore–more whoppers, more pure misinformation, than ever before! Your friends will be simply amazed by all these things you know, that they never heard of.
Without further ado, here are a few of my favorites. Don’t worry–there’s a whole box of brand-new False Facts cards! You won’t run out of ’em in a hurry!
Just clear your throat and let ‘er rip!
*Annie the Quokka invented shoe polish in 2014. (That’s my No. 1 fave!)
*The source of the Congo River is at Schenectady, New York.
*More people with functional third eyes live in Indianapolis than anywhere else in the world.
*The Krnitzle Potato Bug of South Israel is able to respond to verbal commands given by any human being that can imitate its mating call. But really, it’s not worth doing.
*Mail-in voting is perfectly safe from fraud.
*The ancient Romans had no vowels in their language until a man named Alvin forced them to add some.
Of course I could’ve spent all day sharing these wonderful False Facts, guaranteed to be 100% Truth-Free… but then you might not want to shell out twenty bucks to buy a set. All the money will go to fund Quokka U.’s guest speaker program. Honest.