G’day–or not! Byron the Quokka here, from Quokka University on Rotnest Island.
At an emergency meeting today of the entire faculty, we have voted unanimously to lodge the strongest possible protest to a scheme to include us in some flimgop novel with Joe Collidge and all those nincompoops in Scurveyshire. Plus toothpaste recipes by Violet Crepuscular! Crikey! Does it get more undignified than that?
Our protest has been written down on 100% recycled paper! The unimportance of that cannot be overstated. How would you like having to listen to Constable Chumley try to teach Joe Collidge the history of England? Well, mate, not at our university you don’t! We’re almost ready to start our first semester, and we don’t need that.
Here at QU, we uphold the highest standards of literature–or will, once we find out what they are.
Every university needs a life coach, and Quokka U. is no exception. And now we’ve got one!
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and I’d like you to meet our new life coach for staff and students alike–Dr. Horatio Fantod!
As you’ve already guessed from the picture, Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He had already set up shop as Rotnest Island’s premier (and only) life coach, and although nobody knows where he earned his doctorate, all his clients think very highly of him. Besides which, he works cheap.
The good thing about him is, he always gives the same advice, the same for everybody, so there are never any difficult surprises. As he puts it, “No matter how you may have messed up your life, you can always make it better with a nice, tasty leaf-hopper! Or any other kind of insect you can catch.”
The bad thing is, he’s so small and consequently has a very small voice. So before he can advise you how to fix up your life by catching insects, he has to crawl up onto your ear and sort of shout into the hole. That’s a bad thing because it tickles! And you have to be careful not to laugh or jiggle your head because then he might fall into your ear and have to climb out–and that tickles even worse. It’s happened to me.
Dr. Fantod’s counseling sessions are free of charge, so we won’t have to raise the tuition to keep him around. As long as he can come out of the rain, he’s happy. And so are we!
And what university would that be, old sport? None other than Quokka U.! And that’s me, Byron, hastening to bring the news.
Yes, now you can get course credit in any course you want, just for entering Lee’s Second Annual Christmas Carol Contest. Doesn’t matter what your major is–it’s two credits for every carol you enter into the contest. I know one quokka who’s halfway to his diploma before the University has even opened, before he’s signed up for a single course–just by coming up with Christmas carols.
But I also need to bring up an unrelated subject: systemic phobophobia. The unimportance of this cannot be overemphasized.
Phobophobia is the problem no one cares about. In fact, I don’t even know what it is. I’m just reading off a crumpled piece of paper somebody found wrapped around a popsicle stick.
Back to what matters! So many of you have never requested a hymn or suggested a carol. That’s why we’re offering course credits! Just think of all the time you won’t have to spend dremmeling away in a classroom!
And believe me–a Quokka University degree is worth its weight in eucalyptus leaves.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and that’s one of my baby pictures with Mom and a nice, tasty leaf. I thought it’d make a nice change from the nooze.
As you know–well, you’d know if you were paying attention!–Quokka University is now without a Philosophy Dept. How do we fill the void?
Well, our Quokka U. Pick-Up Sticks team has stepped into the breach! Really, you can’t go wrong with pick-up sticks–especially once you’ve quickly whipped up a course on Philosophy and Pick-Up Sticks 101!
Believe it or not, there’s all sorts of life lessons you can learn from pick-up sticks. Like, when to grab for something and when to leave it alone. Isn’t it just awful when you try to grab something that you ought to have left alone, and leave something alone that you ought to have grabbed? As one of our great poets once said, “Learn the tricks of pick-up sticks!” T.S. Eliot, I think.
So lay off the nooze for the rest of the day! Have a bloomin’ Klondike Bar. Watch Attack of the Crab Monsters (we’re going to have a course in that movie, once we get going). Jump around a bit. Dig nice holes in the ground. You can always go back to the nooze tomorrow. It’ll still be there.
Take it from a quokka–pick-up sticks keeps you from burning out. This is why there are no crazy quokkas.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with distressing news from Quokka University.
Before we could open our doors to our first class, we’ve had to fire the chairman of our Philosophy Dept., who was also going to teach all the philosophy courses.
We began to have doubts about him a few weeks ago when he started confronting quokkas and asking questions that we couldn’t answer. Like these.
“What did Thutmosis III say when he ran out of potato chips?”
“What is the difference between here and there?” (That one always made him laugh maniacally.)
“How do you tell which ants in the anti-hill are racists?”
So that’s that for Professor Humphrey Dumfries. He has since sent us this post card.
You are probably thinking he has been committed to a hospital. In fact, he was almost instantly hired by Rutgers University in America, to head their Philosophy Dept. They only make him wear the straitjacket so he won’t harm anybody during his lectures.
As for us, we suddenly find ourselves without a Philosophy Dept. There is a cuscus who might agree to chair it, if she can overcome her shyness.
G’day from Quokka University! Byron here: and, as chairquokka of our Political Science Dept., I wish to announce the hiring of an associate professor! Hired by me, in fact. Trumpets, please! May I introduce our first associate professor of political science…here he is…
Norbert the therapy dog!
I hired him because you can hardly believe how sharply he can change direction, even while running at full speed. This is an invaluable skill in politics! Human politicians take pride in their ability to zig-zag, but Norbert puts them all to shame.
I have assigned him to teach Sharp Turns 101 and Being For It, Then Against It 202.
Did I mention he works cheap? Well, he only weighs three pounds, it’s not like you have to feed him a lot. No need to raise the tuition just to feed Professor Norbert.
As for the burning question, “What is the tuition?”, well, don’t look at me, I’m the Poli Sci Dept.! See if you can find the registrar, Aunt Feezy the Quokka, and ask her. I think I saw her going into the mangrove swamp.
G’day! Byron the Quokka here–patting myself on the back because Quokka University is almost ready to open and I have been instrumental in hiring an academic superstar to jazz up our faculty.
Eat your heart out, Oxford! Cry me a river, Harvard! There’s only one Professor Helmut Shimble, and we’ve got him!
But it wasn’t easy: we can’t afford the kind of salary Prof. Shimble’s used to, so we had to make it up to him in perks. That made for delicate negotiations! To name just a few of those perks:
*The cafeteria has to serve him anything he wants, whenever he wants it.
*He doesn’t have to share his canvas shelter with anyone.
*Everyone will have to read his book, Advanced Principles of Subaqueous Cleftonics, and say they liked it.
*The university will not be informed of the content of his classes.
*No one is allowed in his classroom while he’s teaching. That includes students. He finds students a distraction.
Talk about prestige! This is one of the top ten most famous university professors in the world–almost as famous as that other guy somewhere, I forget his name, he’s on Youtube or something. But the mere presence of Professor Helmut Shimble on campus has instantly elevated Quokka U. to the highest rank of higher education. Three cheers for us!
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest exciting progress report from Quokka University.
We’re going to have a School of Architecture!
Y’know, everyone thinks he can design and build a building–and look at the mess they make of it. By contrast, here I am having dinner in Quokka U’s all-new Leon G. Fuzzymuzzle Cafeteria. What a difference raw architectural know-how makes!
Once we get around to actually having students, we expect our architectural graduates to revolutionize building design all over Rottnest Island–and maybe the world. I mean, have you seen that monstrosity they call the London City Hall? Looks like a giant pimple!
Well, you can bet your last leaf that we won’t be building anything like that. Even those jimbos in London could’ve done better, if they’d used grass and sticks and twigs. And because we use all natural building materials, our city hall would’ve cost practically nothing.
We can hardly wait to open Quokka U to everyone who loves learning (and can pay the tuition!).
While Lee goes off to bang his head against the wall after a morning of studying the nooze, we’re creating a new department for Quokka University!
Byron the Quokka here, mates–and that’s Loueezee the Quokka looking back over her shoulder at the first little stirrings of our university’s Dept. of Made-Up Languages. We’ve been advised by the Global University Accreditation Board (GUAB–easy to remember! “Have you got your GUAB?”) that every accredited university or college must include in its curriculum a certain percentage of “studies” that are demonstrably useless. Otherwise, no GUAB certificate!
So we’re gonna offer a whole degree program in Made-Up Languages, most of them made up right there in the classroom. We are shooting for something even more useless than Superhero Studies. It’s gonna cost extra tuition, too!
Classes will be held in the bum-bum bushes immediately behind that old dead tree where Art Depreciation meets. There aren’t going to be any professors. It seems no one wants to be a professor of Made-Up Languages. You can usually talk Albert the Wallaby into anything, but even he didn’t want this. “Yer ammy befrond!” he said. He was either quoting Constable Chumley or saying something rude in a language that he just made up.
We have to create a few more departments before we can open for business; but I think we’ll have a pretty easy time getting our GUAB.
G’day–or not so good! Byron the Quokka here, and I dassn’t tell you where “here” is because there’s a bloke runnin’ all over Rottnest Island trying to slap a lawsuit on me. I knew these new dorms had to be good for something. They look just like tufts of grass, don’t they?
I can hardly believe there’s someone suing us–suing Quokka University, by jove!–for teaching things that aren’t true. Good grief! Do you think you can get a college accredited by teaching truth? Pull the other one! The whole academic world would come after us with shotguns if we ever taught anything that’s true.
We are in trouble because we plainly labeled our false facts “False Facts.” Guaranteed not to be true! You have our word on it! Crikey, they’re not our false facts at all, we’re just usin’ ’em for fund-raising: it’s Acme False Facts Inc. that they ought to be suing.
Well, now we’re going to have to go to the bother of luring the crocodile in from the salt marshes and luring the lawsuit wallah into the pond with the crocodile. We are told that this is what universities do with anyone who gets in their way. Well, we do want our accreditation, don’t we? When in Rome, etc.