Byron’s TV Listings, July 17

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1965

It’s much too hot to go outside and play Squamish today! G’day, everybody, Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here are a few samples guaranteed to whet your appetite!

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   NUDE FLY FISHING–Sports

Join our Nobel Prize-winning hostess, Rigoberta Menchu, for celebrity nude fly fishing! Guests: Honus Wagner, Debbie Reynolds, Chet Huntley. With the June Taylor Dancers. This week’s surprise–an alligator where they least expect it.

Ch. 11  TRASH TALK–Educational/Boring

Host Harry “Mr. Boredom” Grubstake and guest Charo discuss how archaeologists three thousand years from now might mistake our landfills for random heaps of junk. With Bertrand Russell and his kazoo orchestra.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 02   MR. GOGGLE–Children’s Show

[Note from Byron: You wouldn’t believe what we went through to get this one!]

Mr. Goggle is the monster whose bloodshot right eye is three times the size of his squinty left eye; and when he peers into bedroom windows, children wake up screaming. Banned from 50 different networks when it debuted in 1957! Condemned by act of Congress! Watch at your own risk.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 44   UNSUNG OPERAS–Educational/Musical

Just because they never made it to any opera house doesn’t mean that these were shoddy operas! This week, from Mongo High School in New Jersey: Il Provalone, by Chuck Worst–sung by the cast of Gilligan’s Island, conducted by the high school janitor because the real conductor never showed up. Don’t miss Bob Denver’s aria, Vado al Teatro, Fettuccine!

8 P.M.  Ch. 16   MR. DOOFUS–Sitcom/Tragedy

When every single one of his students fails the math section of the SATs, Mr. Doofus (Brian Blessed) gets a trophy from his teachers’ union. Meanwhile Ms. Scatterby (Heather Locklear) takes a course on “How to Infuriate People.” Mr. Screwtape: Andy Griffith. A Giant Squid: a giant squid.

Well! That should get you cranking! This is Byron, signing off.

30 Funny Quokka Pictures That Will Make You Book A Flight To Australia To  See Them | Quokka, Cute animals, Funny animals

Byron’s TV Listings, July 3

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G’day–and happy Fourth of July to all you Americans! And just in case it rains, us fun-makers here at Quokka University are all set to provide you with inutterably fantastic television! I’m Byron the Quokka, and you have my word on it!

Let’s take a quick peek at some of the offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 14  GOOD COP, BAD COP–Police Drama

Tuberville, Alabama, can only afford a one-man police department, but Sheriff Pat Gesundheit is up to the job! He’s the only sheriff in America who’s able to do that “good cop/bad cop” routine all by himself–and does it ever scare the suspects! This week Gesundheit grills a suspected mummy-stealer (Gavin Newsom) who may have looted the town’s Museum of Horrible Curiosities. Curator: Linda Hunt. Security Guard: Haystacks Calhoun.

Ch. 15  CELEBRITY TANNING–Game Show

What–did you think this was about sun-tans? Perish the thought! Join host Vlad the Impaler as he compels celebrity guests to try to tan fresh nauga-hides. Contestants: Buddy Hackett, Elizabeth Warren, Cleopatra, Wayne Dyer. With Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:11 P.M.  Ch. 26  WORLD NEWS WITH HAMSTERS–News

Instead of watching some stupid anchorman or info-babe, you can watch hamsters on their wheelies as Misterrogers reads you the news very soothingly no matter how bad it is. But if it doesn’t worry the hamsters, why should it worry you?

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   SOUTH BELUGASTAN STICK PAINTING–Educational

Master Fhtugn Czynnaa demonstrates the delicate art of using sticks and twigs picked up from the ground to create delicate paintings of shameful scenes involving the South Belugastan Stock Exchange. Guest celebrity: Fum Chee Fum, a giant.

Ch. 31  CITY OF GIANT BUGS–Sitcom/Tragedy

The Fop family (Joe Besser, Rosemary DeCamp, Hunter Biden) move into their new house only to discover that their whole neighborhood has been overrun by various insects as big as Volkswagens. It’s very hard to mow the grass with a giant mantis stalking you! Neighbors: Dame Judith Anderson, Sir Derek Jacobi. Good Humor Man: Sir Michael Redgrave.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, that ought to hold you for another weekend! Just remember, though–if anybody starts asking awkward questions, you haven’t seen me and you don’t know what they’re talking about!

Byron’s TV Listings, June 19

What's On TV October 16, 1962 – PugetSoundMedia

G’day, TV watchers! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of scrumptious TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University. And if you’re wondering where we got these shows–don’t ask!

Here are some samples to whet your appetite.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 10  MOVIE–Tragedy/Musical

The classic Greek tragedy “Medea” (1956) gets a musical makeover with Zsa Zsa Gabor in the title role. Featuring the hit song, “Jason, Schmason, Where’s the Basin?” Jason: Zero Mostel. Theseus: Phil Silvers. Featuring Elston Howard and his orchestra.

Ch. 12 WHAT’S MY SHAMEFUL SECRET?–Game Show

Join host Bill Cullen as he reveals the celebrity guests’ most shameful secrets! Panel: Eleanor Roosevelt, Mel Blanc, Andy Devine, and Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers, with Dr. Phil to provide free counseling to the nationally disgraced winner.

Ch. 16  KHAN FOR A DAY–Situation Comedy

Cousin Sven (Jack Soo) has inherited a Mongol horde–and doesn’t know what to do with it! Can he figure it out before they eat him out of house and home? Mayor Fortinbras: Phyllis Diller. President Johnson: Edgar Buchanan. Special guest star: Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 21   PINKY LEE’S JOURNAL–News/Talk/Gibberish

Comedian Pinky Lee interviews newsmakers Mervyn Puncho and talking dolphin Flipper McGee on the crisis of cocktail waitresses going on strike in Zanzibar. Has the Senate got an ace up its sleeve?

7:37 P.M.  Ch. 36  ACTION IN THE AFTERNOON–Western Drama

Horror impresario Zacherley plays the town undertaker of Codbiter, New Mexico. There’s no need for him to drum up business when depressed gunslinger The Toledo Kid (James Earl Jones) comes to town! Florist: Jack Elam. Interior Decorator: George “The Animal” Steele. Sheriff Shootfirst: Bob Denver.

And that’s only a sample of what you’ll get when you tune in this weekend! Make sure you have plenty of eucalyptus leaves on hand.

Quokka eating a leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Alamy

Byron’s TV Listings, June 12

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV, courtesy of Quokka University. Maybe one of these days we’ll get around to starting classes here–if nobody gets arrested for airing these TV shows. Without further ado, a few samples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 06  MEET THE MUMMIES–Discussion

Join host John Kerry as he flees in terror from the animated mummies he’s supposed to interview. Topic: “Should Inanimate Objects Vote?” Featuring a chorus of indignant howler monkeys.

Ch. 12  MY FRIEND FONEBONE–Crime Drama

Can a man who does everything backwards (Boris Johnson) succeed where a multitude of top police detectives have failed? Meanwhile, Commissioner Swiggit (Elizabeth Warren) thinks her husband may be getting too big for his britches and asks Fonebone (Don Knotts) for advice.

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 16   THE WEATHER ON OTHER PLANETS–News & Weather

Poisonous rain on Jupiter, another roasting hot day on Venus, and another cool one on Pluto (if it’s still a planet)–extraterrestrial weather analyst Penny Prat with the weekend’s weather throughout the Solar System. Sponsored by some company that does fake marshmallow peeps that don’t taste good.

8 P.M.  Ch. 27  MOVIE–Melodrama/Ventroloquism

In “CB Superhero” (1973), forlorn trucker Alibi Ike (Bill Nye) falls hopelessly in love with Sandee Smoosh (name withheld), not realizing she’s only a dummy controlled by evil ventriloquist Ambrose Viaduct (Charlie Rose), who’s using her to blackmail the assistant Secretary of Frivolous Spending (Mervyn Puncho).

Ch. 43  BET EVERYTHING!–Game Show

Produced by the Chinese Communist Party, contestants in “Bet Everything” stake everything they have on their chances of surviving 16 hours of intersectional poetry recited by a person with an annoyingly high-pitched voice. With Sammy Spear and his orchestra, the June Taylor Dancers, and an old man with hives.

Well, if those don’t whet your appetite, I don’t know what will! That CB Superhero movie, by the way, launched Mervyn Puncho’s political career… although I don’t know anyone who ever voted for him.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 5

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day, g’day, and welcome to another weekend of cyclopean TV viewing pleasure, brought to you by Quokka University! Byron the Quokka here–and don’t think I had anything to do with this TV caper, I’m just an announcer they snapped up at random.

Here are a few samples to whet your appetite.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 04   VEGAN GUNS–Muddled Western

It’s not easy being a professional gunslinger (Jack Elam), a New Age guru, and a vegan! Episode 14: Communications from the Vega star system are being received through Stokey the Cook’s unwashed pots and pans. Stokey: Xi Jin Ping. Miss Willowfeather: Susan Sontag. Jabba the Hutt: don’t ask.

Ch. 05  GREAT BOOKS BY IDIOTS–Interview

Host Barney Rubble discusses The Great Gatsby with incoherent romance writer Violet Crespuscular and her pet click beetle, Mandrake. Neither of them has read the book. With Swede Risberg and his orchestra.

Ch. 16   MERVYN PUNCHO–Variety

Mervyn’s guests include beer-chugger Milt Famey, unsuccessful bowler Ginger Hooja demonstrating gutter-balls, backwards talker Neleh NniuQ, and B.S. artist John Kerry. Featured: the Vlad the Impaler Dancers.

8:48 P.M.  Ch. 46  TIMON!–Sitcom

What happens when the city’s most prominent misanthrope is given a surprise birthday party? Timon (Tim McCarver) blames Alicibiades (Soupy Sales) for his game leg, but the party’s going to go on whether he likes it or not. Mrs. Demosthenes: Esther Rolles. Caterer: Johnny Weissmuller.

9 P.M.  Ch. 11  MOVIE–Crime Drama

Film noir classic! “I Live Face-Down” (1969) features Billy Mumy and Telly Savalas as clinically depressed private eyes trying to get the goods on a crooked politician (Willis Twombley) who’s making sure all his friends and toadies get municipal swimming pool memberships. Things only get worse when their secretary, Foxy (Helen Hayes) is diagnosed with Hornomania. Mayor Belshazzar: Don Knotts.

Well, that’s that for the sample package! And–

Meet the Quokka

Tune in tomorrow for our Rottnest Island Bell Mountain Party, which I’m not supposed to mention, in case nobody shows up. I have it on good authority that one of the major characters in the book is going to be present… if he can overcome his fear of marsupials.

Byron’s TV Listings (May 29)

David C. Tucker, Author: When TV Was Simpler

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s spectacular TV broadcasts brought to you by the crew at Quokka University–just in time for Lee’s porch party! Without further ado:

2:30 P.M.  Ch 09  GENGHIS MY FOOT!–Drama

Brought back to life by a mad scientist (former California Gov. Jerry Brown), Genghis Khan (Mickey Rooney) is elected mayor of Hangem High, CT, and immediately sets out to conquer all of North America–after he recruits a Mongol horde. Mrs. McFlop: Eve Arden. Ghost: Fernando Lamas

Ch 12  GROW IT & SHOW IT–Gardening

Guest Luther Furbag has bred brown flowers “that look like they’re already dead.” Host: Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers. With Carl Sagan and his orchestra.

2:47 P.M. Ch 21  PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE–Politics

Top candidates for the presidency of the Bilgewater Fishing Club, Francis X. Fimbo and Don Diego Shaughnessy, square off on foreign policy, Climate Change, economic recovery, and blind dates. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

3:00 P.M.  Ch 03   THE ARACHNIDS–Sitcom/Suspense

Can a family of gigantic spiders live the good life in a human suburb? Only if they can learn to fit in! Episode 1: The Arachnids get off on the wrong foot with their neighbors when Muffy (Chelsea Clinton) eats Mr. Prigg’s dog. Directed by Jack Webb (who else?). Mr. Prigg: Edward Platt. Daddy Spider: James Arness. Grandma Spider: A real spider blown up to colossal size.

Ch. 15 PC POLICE SQUAD–Grime Drama

Hair-raising tales of misgendering, microaggression, and cultural appropriation, with only Lt. Kaydence Jugular (Jane Fonda) and her Bias Response Team standing between the human race and offensive language. Filmed inside a cement mixer! Sock puppets by Ralph Lauren and Carl LaFong.

There you have it! What’s a porch party without great stuff on TV?

Byron’s TV Listings, May 22

multiple image galleries

G’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s TV offerings from Quokka University. Last week they tried to catch us with the goods, and we had a narrow escape: fortunately the cops were too big to follow us into our burrows.

Anyway, if you’re looking for the absolute finest in TV viewing–greetings, pilgrim, your search is ended! (I heard that in a coffee commercial once: it sounds real cool.)

9:00 P.M.  Ch. 04   ALIEN CIRCUS BOY–Science Fiction/Western

How better for space aliens to prepare their conquest of the earth than by touring the Old West disguised as a traveling circus? This week: Hoozkwrthopofht the Clown (William Windom) gets picked up by a suspicious sheriff (Gilles de Rais), and it’s up to Ringmaster Mtghwowllixtll (Linda Hunt) to rescue him before his Delusion Cream wears off. Agnes: James Brolin

05  BIMBU EL-SAYEED–Discussion

Bimbu’s difficulties with English don’t stop him from simultaneously interviewing cartoon characters’ rights activist Judi Kazudi and medium Erica Tadpole, who is in contact with… well, nobody. Featuring Andrew Cuomo’s brain in a jar. With the Whoopee Goldberg Dancers.

10  THE BEST OF JOHN KERRY–Waste of Time

How do you compile “the best of” when there is no “best” to start with? Panelists (Roberto Duran, Peggy Cass, Sir Kenneth Clark, and Johnny Weismuller) try to figure it out! Host: A poorly-groomed, aggressive dog.

9:22 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Mystery/Horror

In “Lassie Goes Rogue” (1961), the beloved collie turns cunning killer and terrorizes the small town of Bab-O, Czechoslovakia. Can the Bowery Boys track her down and stop her before she depopulates the region; or will Lassie finish them off first? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Dr. Potatosky: Hale Boggs. Shell collector: Jack LaLanne. Lassie’s Mom: Eleanor Roosevelt.

10:06 P.M.  Ch. 33  WHO CAN SQUEEZE THROUGH THE NARROW OPENING?–Game Show for Claustrophobics

Oversized celebrity contestants try to force themselves through increasingly constricted openings. Host: Rosie O’Donnell. With Woody Woodpecker and his orchestra.

Well! That certainly makes me want to sit down and watch hours and hours of TV! Break out the potato chips!

Collect False Facts and Support the Quokka U. Pickup Sticks Team!

Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

G’day! Byron the Quokka here; and while Lee sweats out a Newswithviews column, I’ll tell you about an exciting way that you can support the Quokka University pickup sticks team!

As you know, the annual Pickup Sticks International Tournament will be held this year in Double Trouble, New Jersey–and our team is raring to go. Acme False Facts will donate our team’s traveling expenses. All you have to do is order (and pay for!) their newest set of collectible False Facts!

Here’s a sample. Remember, it’s not what you say that makes people think you’re smart, but how you say it! And all False Facts are guaranteed truth-free.

*George Washington was Chinese, but James Madison wasn’t.

*The woolly rhinoceros of the Ice Age was neither woolly nor a rhinoceros, but actually a kind of oversized muskrat.

*In May of 1953 the U.S. Supreme Court accidentally ruled swimming unconstitutional. The error was not discovered until 2006.

*A top-secret anti-gravity project in Pinwheel, Ireland, had to be canceled when the whole laboratory and all its staff floated into outer space, never to be seen again. This caused the prime minister of Ireland to break out in hives.

*The height of a tree is always evenly divisible by the number of branches it has. Count ’em and see for yourself!

Well, I hope this whets your appetite! This new set of False Facts, which will help our pickup sticks team to a world championship, sells for a mere $435.99–which is chicken-feed in quokka money.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 15

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!

Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.

So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.

8:17 a.m.  Ch. 03   BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion

Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 16   CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming

Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.

Ch. 21   MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama

Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.

Ch. 42   MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming

A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel.  Capablanca: Benny Hill.  Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.

9 a.m.   Ch. 08   MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi

“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist  Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor  Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun.  The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.

Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

Yippee-Yay! Quokka University

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Quokka University has added two big names to its teaching faculty!

Steven Patrick Herodotus Michael David Crockett Flanagan–his parents couldn’t decide what to name him, so they just used all the names they liked–has signed on to teach a course in Cowboy Poetry Written By Scottish Fishermen. He’s agreed to work for free, so that’s a big savings right there! Mr. Flanagan has read some of this poetry to persons who visited Kruck’s Department Store to see a vacuum cleaner demonstration, and he says that two of the shoppers really liked it.

But wait, there’s more!

We have also hired Dr. Ruth Fandango, the world’s leading expert on handy things to do with lint, as an associate professor (that means we can fire her) of Intersectional Zoology. We don’t know what that is, but it sounds very collegy! You’ve probably already seen her as a guest on the Olaf Smidgin Show–so that’s another celebrity pickup for us!

As for when Quokka U. will actually open–well, I’m Byron the Quokka, I’m supposed to teach Political Science… and I don’t know!