Byron’s TV Listings (April 17)

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

Emergency False Facts!

PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star

G’day! Are you noozed out–just can’t stand any more? Byron the Quokka here, with relief–yes, I said relief!

Brought to you by Quokka University and Acme False Facts Inc., we present a new set of guaranteed false facts that will not only take your mind off the nooze, but will also help you to astound your friends with all the stuff you know but they don’t. Just remember to recite your false fact with absolute confidence! And practice a withering glance of pity that’ll make anyone who questions you feel ignorant.

Without further ado, here are some samples from our newest set.

*In 1880 a man who claimed to have visited the Moon was given a ticker-tape parade by the town of Bent Spoon, Indiana. At the conclusion of the parade, they hanged him.

*A recent poll shows that 41% of the people descended from Osric Witling never heard of him. And neither has anybody else.

*When the musical We’ve Got Chiggers opened on Broadway on March 12, 1951, half the audience went home with real chiggers they’d unknowingly picked up in the theater, resulting in a massive lawsuit that closed the show after only one performance.

*With the seats in the stadium now occupied by cardboard cutouts of fans, Major League Baseball plans to populate the playing field and the dugouts with cardboard cutouts of the players.

*The discovery of the source of the River Nile was delayed for many years by rumors that Queen Victoria had already been there on her honeymoon. But current DNA analyses suggest she didn’t like any of the hotels in the neighborhood.

Well, that should be enough to get you started! Each and every card in the Emergency False Facts Set is guaranteed to be totally devoid of truth–and it can all be yours for a mere $1.28 (US), plus $640 shipping.

‘Is There a Life Coach in the House?’ (2018)

My home town now boosts some half a dozen life coaches. What does that say about it?

Is There a Life Coach in the House?

–Hold it right there! [Protest lodged by Dr. Fantod]

See the source image

[Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He is also the official Life Coach at Quokka University.]

I am so sick of these so-called “life coaches” who wouldn’t know an aphid from a fruit fly! Who’s any better for having consulted one of them–eh? Crikey! “Oh, Dr. Fantod, I’ve fallen deeply in love with a money-wasting scoundrel who’s driven me practically bankrupt, and on top of that, every chance he gets, he cheats on me–!” Do you really need a life coach to tell you to stop doing stupid stuff? Did God forget to give you any sense? Do you have any idea of how many tasty and nutritious bugs inhabit a mere ten feet of rose hedge?

Sure, I’ll listen to a student’s tale of woe. And then I’ll do what his momma and his poppa should’ve done–send him off to the nearest bushes with a jar and tell him not to come back until he’s caught his supper. I don’t know about you, but I really like those brightly-colored leaf-hoppers…

See the source image

Yummy!

Honest, Genuine False Facts

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo (Edit Now) 144023728

Nothing false about these tasty leaves!

Acme False Facts Inc. wishes to squelch rumors that some of the false facts in their sets are, in fact… true.

Unlike TV nooze, Acme guarantees all its facts to be 100% false. Otherwise Quokka University wouldn’t be selling them as fund-raisers.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–with the top five phony facts that certain low-life persons have asserted to be true. This endangers the credibility of all false facts! And hurts our fund-raising efforts, too.

Well, here they are. Guaranteed totally bogus!

*A lawyer in Mordor, Massachusetts, has successfully unionized the fleas in his state’s flea circuses–who are now on strike for higher wages and better benefits. His lawsuit is expected to win, hands down.

*Homer used a manual typewriter to write The Iliad.

*Popeye the Sailor was a real person who looked just like he does in the cartoons. He had to give up being a sailor when he moved to Shrivel County, Nevada, which has no water.

*For most of his life, Louis XIV, king of France, was only 18 inches tall. But later in life, treatments with Vigoro Plant Food shot him up to three feet. It also gave him a third foot, the use of which he never quite mastered.

*Rogue elephants have been sedated and hypnotized by providing them with non-stop reruns of Dance Fever. It doesn’t work with crocodiles, though.

I defy anyone to discover even an iota of truth in any of these.

 

Byron’s TV Listings

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV, brought to you by Quokka University, where I have the honor to teach Political Science… and introduce our TV listings. Just don’t ask where we’re getting these shows. I can’t be prosecuted if I don’t know… can I?

March 20, 4:30 P.M.

Ch. 10  I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET! (Game Show)

One of the four celebrity panelists has a secret that would turn him into a national laughing-stock, an object of universal loathing, if it ever got out–and it’s the job of the contestants to find out what it is! Host: Joey Stalin. With Typhoid Mary and the Pandemics.

11  CHAMPIONSHIP CHUTES & LADDERS (Educational)

So how do you master the intricate tactics and strategies of Chutes and Ladders? Join former world Chess Champion Boris Spassky as he tries to teach the game to incredibly dense college professors who just can’t seem to get it.

12  MOVIE–“Killer Quokkas from Rigel IV” (1958: Science Fiction) When killer quokkas invade New York City, the Bowery Boys are forced to take action. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Admiral Benbow: Pinky Lee  Mayor Threadbare: Joey Heatherton  Horace Clarke Chapter of B’Nai B’rith: Themselves.

Hey, wait now, hold on there! I really must object in the strongest possible terms! Speaking for all quokkas everywhere, I must say that we would NEVER attack New York–but if we did, by gum, the Bowery Boys wouldn’t stop us! Wait’ll I find out who selected this movie. They’ll wish their fathers had never met their mothers!

Quokka Facts | Mental Floss

4:53 P.M.  Ch 02  SHUT UP, STUPID! (Discussion)

Join host Mr. T as he moderates a debate between Rosie O’Donnell and a large root vegetable on the topic, “Are progressives really all that smart?” This is the “incident” that ended Rosie’s career! Also featuring Angela Merkel and her orchestra.

Well, that’s all for now. I have to go find the jidrool responsible for that stupid quokka movie.

Watch everything else!

 

Quokka U’s False Facts 2.0

50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings! | Everywhere Wild

G’day! Byron the Quokka here.

It takes an awful lot of money to start a university, and Quokka U. isn’t quite there yet. So Acme False Facts Inc. is going to help out with another special fund-raising edition of False Facts, 2% of the proceeds going to the university. I guess they keep the rest.

Why False Facts? Why, to convince your friends that you know a lot of stuff that nobody else knows, because you’re so bloomin’ smart! All you have to remember is to speak with total confidence when reciting any False Fact. Presentation is everything!

Here are just a few samples from Quokka U. False Facts 2.0. Ask anyone in the academic world, they’ll tell you–this is how you gain respect! And here are our samples.

*Ancient Roman engineers designed the first personal computer, but had no electricity to operate it.

*President Grover Cleveland’s mother kept him in diapers until he was 16.

*The Chinese word for “X-Ray glasses” has been unpronounceable since 1808.

*Project Mohole, the plan to drill all the way through the earth’s crust, was defunded in 1966 because Congress forgot to levy any taxes for that year and the government ran out of money. But the real problem was bashful scientists who were afraid they might find something naughty down there.

*The Paper Bag Tree of inner Borneo has been found growing in Nebraska, where it has provoked a wave of paranormal experiences that people don’t like to talk about. The good news is that the folks in Borneo want it back.

There you go! Try these on for size at any place where talking is allowed. The results will amaze you.

P.S.–They haven’t told us what the set will cost, so when you order it, be sure you write a check for lots of money.

Byron’s TV Listings

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1958

G’day! Byron the Quokka here with this weekend’s TV listings, brought to you–and don’t ask me how!–by Quokka University.

And it’s a good thing I’m here, because the other computer has practically driven Lee up the wall and I’m afraid the top of his head will blow clean off. Here on Rottnest Island, we call that “blowing the top of your head clean off.”

So unwind with some of the best TV on earth!

8 P.M.  CH 03  UNCLE BILLY–TRAGEDY

Still living in the mud puddle, Uncle Billy gets a hoot when a large grasshopper crawls up Mrs. Pandemic’s dress. Uncle Billy: John Gielgud  Mrs. Pandemic: Loretta Lynch   The Terminator: Arnold Schwarzenegger

CH 04  JAI ALAI ON ROLLER SKATES–SPORTS

The Ulan Bator Lake Smelts vs. Free & Independent News Media! Jai Alai played on roller skates is a whole new concept in sports, pioneered by Bernie Sanders and the United Nations Nit Commission. Losers get beheaded!  Announcers: Tony Kubek, Howard “Get Off Your” Duff

CH 07  HOLLYWOOD HOMUNCULI–GAME

Only one of the Hollywood stars on the panel is an actual human being! The other three have been dredged up from wells and other deep places of the earth. Under intense pressure that can hardly be imagined, contestants try to identify the real star before the three alien imposters do something really terrible! Host: Louisa May Alcott, with Francisco Franco and his orchestra

8:14 P.M.  CH 11  MOVIE–IMMATURE ADULTS

“Dog My Cats” (1952) Accidentally drafted into the Egyptian Navy, the Bowery Boys try all sorts of tricks to escape before the Suez Crisis happens! Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall  Nasser: Red Barber  Clairvoyant: Esther Williams  Soothsayer: Yogi Berra

8:30 P.M.  CH 05  IT’S A MATCH!–GAME SHOW

Host Christopher Lee randomly selects members of the studio audience and uses a panel of criminals to match them up for dates–after embarrassingly candid interviews! Music by The New Beatles and Hillary Clinton’s Good Time Charlies Kazoo Band.

Well, that’s enough for now; we don’t want anyone getting over-excited. This is Byron, signing off before they catch me.

PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an  Instgaram famous star

Byron’s TV Listings

Image result for images of 1959 TV listings

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on Rottnest Island. I hear a lot of you Yanks have been snowed in, can’t get out and have fun. Well, it looks like I’m here with more TV listings just in time! We don’t want you going mad with cabin fever, do we?

So here are the Quokka University Broadcast System’s (see? we’ve got a name for it now) offerings for this weekend. Happy viewing, everybody!

8 p.m.   03  MY MOTHER THE NEWT (Sitcom) Harry and Debbie get kicked off their middle school band when Mr. Roomba discovers their mother is a giant newt. Can Uncle Beefy, a rather large frog, save the day? Mr. Roomba: Ricardo Montalban. Uncle Beefy: Dick Cavett.

05  NEWS WITH RUDE NOISES  (News and Weather)  The same news you got on all the other channels, but this time with crude and impolite noises in the background. Anchorman’s identity still unknown.

8:10 P.M.  05  MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM  “I Hear Earwigs Singing” (1971)  The Bowery Boys take on a mad grocer (Colin Clive) who has been flouting London’s health codes–in Yuma, Arizona. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Chou En-lai. Special guest appearance by Elias Howe, inventor of the sewing machine.

8:39 P.M.  04  TRAGEDY PLAYHOUSE  (Drama) “When You Lose That Beat” combines Oedipus Rex with Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom for a totally incomprehensible waste of 93 minutes. Guaranteed to impress your friends and family, if you say you watched the whole thing. Oedipus: Rory Calhoun. Marlon Perkins: himself. Music by Bobby Fischer and his Orchestra.

8:45 P.M.  07, 11, 13  SLUGGO POTASH, GUNSLINGER!  (Western, as if you didn’t know)  In “Duel at the Lost City of the Poptecs,” Sluggo (Darren McGavin) must shoot it out with his arch-enemy, Mitch McConnell, who has made himself dictator of a lost city inhabited by people no one ever heard of. King Axolotl: Jon Hall. Princess Chipotle: Joey Heatherton. High Priest: Soupy Sales.

Well, that’s enough for now! I still don’t know how we got our hands–I mean our paws–on all these shows, and I’m sure I don’t want to.

Byron’s TV Listings

Image result for images of 1959 TV listings

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV listings to spice up your weekend–if you call watching TV spicy. The Quokka University TV Network makes these shows available–I don’t know how, and I don’t ask. If anybody asks, I haven’t been here today.

7 p.m.  03  HITTITE NEWS  Anchor: Shuri-Teshub son of Ishmak

04  THE FACEHEADS (Comedy). Randy gets some peculiar ideas after watching a movie about “Killer Kats.” Randy: Denzel Washington. Dr. Gesundheit: Sandy Becker. Special guest appearance by Sabu as Chief Dawson.

07  BEAT THE CROCK (Game Show) New! Ordinary schlubs team up with celebrity schlubs to see who can swim across The Pool of Death without getting pulled under. Emcee: Orville Redenbacher.

7:17 p.m. 11  MOVIE–TRAGEDY

“That Darned Hamster!” (1961)  The Bowery Boys tangle with an ancient Ethiopian sorceress brought back to life by fish flakes, and only Duncan the Hamster can save the day–if they can find him! Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Madame Fong: Dame Judith Anderson. Song: “Oh, Those Cedar Shavings!” Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:30 p.m.  02  SPEAKING IN MONOSYLLABLES–EDUCATION

Don’t waste time with words when simple grunts will do! Tonight: Professor Spigot reduces Moby Dick to a mere 20 seconds, using grunts, eye-rolling, and hand gestures.

05  GRIME AND PUNISHMENT–COURTROOM DRAMA

Judge Hobart Hornswoggle tries re-enacted criminal and civil cases involving kitchen grease and various kinds of slop–in front of a jury of stuffed plush animals.

Well, that’s all I have time for now–I have to hurry on to the next post. See you in a bit.

 

Quokka U. to Offer Degree in Piracy

003 :: Pirates :: Family Fun Old Time Photos in Kissimmee, Florida

[Editor’s Note: The nooze today is the same old cow-flop we had last week. Now turn we unto Quokka University.]

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, at Quokka University, with an announcement that’s guaranteed to shiver your timbers!

Alone among the world’s centers of Higher Education, Quokka U. has announced a four-year degree program in… Piracy! Aye, matey, I sez piracy! Avast! We has it all, sez I–treasure maps, walking the plank, crazy coats and hats, bottles o’ rum, cannons and cutlasses–everything you need to cut a fine figure on the Spanish Main!

50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings! | Everywhere Wild

Living as we do on an island, a lot of us quokkas have thought about turning pirate. But we didn’t know how! I mean, we drew up our own treasure maps and then went looking for the treasure, and never found any. Davy Jones must’ve laughed his keister off. I mean, look at that picture of me: you’re gunner make a pirate out of that?

Well, blow me down! Now ain’t that just what we been lookin’ for?

Scholarships are going to be made available. For information, call your local mayor’s office.