Tag Archives: Quokka University

A Minor Hiccup at Quokka U.

Rottnest Island Quokka Pictures | POPSUGAR Smart Living

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and that’s the great Alvin Kasavubu’s blue bike in the background. I am jumping for joy because I found it!

Mr. Kasavubu very kindly agreed to be our first celebrity lecturer here at Quokka University. He is one of the world’s foremost experts on how to keep frogs from jumping off your head once you put them up there, and we were all very excited to have him.

Well, he showed up on his bicycle; and imagine our dismay when his bike went missing! I hope nobody thinks any of us quokkas tried to steal it. After all, our feet can’t reach the pedals. Anyway, poor Mr. Kasavubu, when he’d finished his lecture and wanted to go home, couldn’t find his bike. Was he ever upset! And we all had to go looking for it.

Happily, it wasn’t stolen, after all: somebody just moved it. We suspect wombats. They can’t resist a bit of joy-riding. If we ever find out who actually moved the bike, we’ll have to put them on academic probation. If we can figure out how to do that.

But at least we had the lecture, and a very interesting lecture it was!

We are well on our way to creating one of the world’s great universities.


Finally! Final Exams at Quokka U.!

Quokka

Don’t look now, but those three quokkas are getting ready to mimeograph copies of Quokka University’s first final exams.

G’day, everybody, Byron the Quokka here–and yes, we have actually acquired a mimeograph machine so we can run off copies of everything. I know: most of you have never heard of, let alone seen, a mimeograph. It’s what we had before Xerox came along. (“Xerox? What’s that?”) Oh, never mind! We like the way papers smell when they come out of the mimeograph machine. That blue ink–it’s a nostalgic smell. Sort of like emu feathers.  Mimeograph Machines (a mimeo copy)

Oi, I’m drifting, aren’t I?

What I really want to talk about is how we here at Quokka U. are going to revolutionize higher education! First we broke ground by deciding not to offer any courses. And now we’re gonna set the world on fire by having final exams the first week of school, instead of at the end.

Think of it–no more worrying about finals as the end of the semester draws near. Students at Q.U. won’t even have to study for their finals, because they won’t know what’s going to be in the test until they take it. Be prepared for some surprises!

 


Quokka U. Progress Report

Meet the Quokka

(While Lee and Pat make vain and futile efforts to buy basic household goods, turn we now unto Quokka University…)

G’day, folks! Byron the Quokka here–at Quokka University, no less, where exciting things are happening. We’re shooting for Sept. 31 as the official opening of our first semester–so sign up now! “Ipso loquitur mannimota,” is our motto.

We have signed up Violet Crepuscular’s former high school boyfriend, Otto Claptrap, to give a series of special lectures on topics of compelling intellectual interest. Here are some of the titles:

*”Whose fault is it if you get blown up after walking onto property clearly posted as a mine field?”

*”Why do people go on cruise ships when they’re just going to do the same things they could have done on land?”

*”Is dinosaur soft tissue edible? If so, who’s eating it?”

*”Why am I lecturing to a bunch of quokkas and other marsupials?”

Meanwhile, someone is tugging my tail about the comment contest. Hey, lay off! I can’t make readers comment, can I? Caw, it’s as the spirit moves ’em, isn’t it?

Last I looked, there were less than a thousand comments to go to No. 60,000, a major milestone. But I can’t run a contest and track down Mr. Claptrap at the same time. I had to negotiate all his fees, y’know. Whatever else you say about him, at least he’s cheap!


Wanted: Celebrities for Quokka U.

Quokka - Description, Habitat, Image, Diet, and Interesting Facts

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here; and that’s me, talking on a cellphone. Most of us quokkas don’t have cellphones. There’s always a human around to let us use his.

And oh, crikey! If I told you who I was talking to, you’d never believe it! This person is so famous, your wallpaper would fall off the wall if he ever came into your house!

We want to make Quokka University someplace special. We think the best way to do that is to have as many celebrities as we can walking around the campus. We’re not offering degrees or having courses, so we kind of need these celebrities. You’d think America could spare a Kardashian or two.

The problem is, most of the celebrities that we quokkas consider celebrities are hardly celebrities at all, as humans see it. I mean, we would go positively bonkers if we could ever meet Harold J. Flotsam! Just thinking about it makes my joints all rubbery–I have to sit down. But I am told most humans have never even heard of him. Sheesh! How could you miss him?

By the same token, a lot of celebrities that humans consider celebrities are not celebrities at all, as quokkas see it. Someone was trying to explain to me who Beyonce is, and I just fell asleep.

And then there are Tasmanian devils’ biggest celebrities, but that’s just ridiculous.

Well, as you can see, it’s a thorny problem, but we’re working on it. We won’t stop till Quokka U. proudly takes its place among the world’s great universities!


Quokka U.: We Need Some Buildings

50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings ...

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with a progress report on Quokka University. We know you’ve been wondering about it!

So far we’ve got a Latin motto–Ipso loquitur mannimota!–and a bunch of deans, a pick-up sticks team, a big cardboard box for a cafeteria, and we’re still working on a mascot and an official college song. But let’s face it–any college, anywhere, has just got to have some buildings!

Afar hut made of sticks of wood in the south desert of Djibouti ...

Behold! Our first official college building! Crikey Hall! Loosely based on a classic design by that famous architect, Frank Lloyd Fuzzybutt, Crikey Hall will be ideal for lectures, graduation ceremonies, and concerts. We’ve already sent out invitations to a lot of celebrities to be guest lecturers–you won’t have heard of most of them unless you’re a marsupial, but we did ask Tarzan and I really hope he comes here so I can get his autograph.

We still need classrooms, offices for the professors, and dorms for those students who don’t like to sleep outside in the tall grass. We don’t worry much about professors because we aren’t going to offer any courses. As for a mascot, we’re still stuck between a really big stick insect named Otho (who’ll do it for free) and Jimbo the Quokka in his Halloween costume, a cactus. It’s so hard to decide!

Meanwhile, it’s back to work on the comment contest. We’re shooting for 60,000, we have about a thousand left to go, and the winner gets an autographed copy of Lee’s new book, His Mercy Endureth Forever–unless I can get him to spring for a bicycle.


Keep Those Comments Coming!

Where Do Quokkas Live? - Animal Hype

G’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with another one of those nice bicycles that somebody obviously doesn’t want or they wouldn’t’ve left it just standing here. It’d make a dandy prize for a comment contest winner!

We’re shooting for 60,000 comments, and as of now, we’ve got 58,421, which leaves 1,579 to go. We’re also waiting for Bell Mountain No. 12, His Mercy Endureth Forever, to be published, which really should be any day now. Lee wants to hand out an autographed copy to the winner. I still say the prize should be a bicycle.

Meanwhile, here on Rottnest Island, we’re working hard to make Quokka University a reality. We weren’t going to have any courses at our college, but there are a lot of us who want to study Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney. (I say “Fap!” to that.) But the main thing we’re into just now is trying to choose a mascot. A lot of animals don’t want to be mascots of a college run by other animals–makes ’em feel, I don’t know: put-upon, I guess. I’d like it to be a centaur–half-horse, half-quokka.

We’re open to suggestions, if anybody wants to make any.


Quokka U. Cheerleaders

Chloe the Quokka on Twitter: "We're excited because we published ...

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka reporting.

Y’know, we’re tryin’ to found a college here, and Lee wants me to run another comment contest. And make readers’ birthday announcements! Crikey, I’m glad to do those things, but I think I need an assistant.

Meanwhile, Quokka University is growing by leaps and bounds. See that thing in Cousin Zoozie’s hand? That’s our official and bona fide waddayacallit for our Q.U. pick-up sticks team! Our cheerleaders will wave these and pump up the crowd to sing The Quokka Fight Song, which will intimidate and demoralize our opponents.

Go, Quokkas, fight, fight, fight! Punch and pummel, kick and bite!

Sing no lullabies, tell no lies–

And a hey-na-nonny and a ha-cha-cha!

You’d never believe that was written by anybody but a genius, would you? And what’s a university without a fight song? We haven’t decided whether to offer any courses at our college, but we’ve got a Latin motto and now a fight song, and we’ve hired a couple of deans, so we’re just about ready to open for business.

Will human students need dorms? We’ll be researching that all week. Although why anybody would need anything nicer than a snug nest in the grass, beats me.

P.S.> Here at Quokka U., anyone who wants to be a cheerleader can be one. We don’t care. The more, the merrier!


Wanted: A School Song for Quokka U.

Image result for images of quokkas singing

Tuning up to sing our school song–once we decide what it is

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest on Quokka University.

We’ve been so busy appointing deans and such, we almost forgot one of the most important things for any college–a school song! We’re going to vote on it, and here are the top three candidates so far:

“I’m an Old Cow-Hand from the Rio Grande”

“The Ants Go Marching One by One” (my favorite!)

“I’ve Got Sixpence”

Aunt Feezy is still holding out for “How Much Is That Emu in the Window?”, but she’s the only one. There’s also some support for this old Simon & Garfunkel song, “I am Iraq, I am an Ireland,” but that one doesn’t make much sense to me. There’s a group of tuataras over in New Zealand who sing it really well, but it’s just not a quokka song.

Image result for Images of singing tuatara

Besides, I think tuatara-singing is an acquired taste, and I have not acquired it yet.

Well, if any of you humans out there want to vote on our school song, please go right ahead. Maybe you can suggest a great song we haven’t thought of yet.

The school song will be sung at half-time during all our pick-up sticks matches.


Quokka U.: Coming Along

See the source image

Ipso loquitur mannimota, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest news about the creation of Quokka University.

We’ve got our Latin motto, we’ve hired a coach for our pick-up sticks team–she insists on remaining incognito, wherever that is–and we’ve appointed half a dozen deans. For that we did “one potato, two potato.” We make a lot of important decisions that way.

This week we wrestled with the question of whether or not we need to set up a cafeteria. We quokkas eat a lot of leaves and bark, grass, fruit and berries, all of which, well, grow here on Rotnest Island so there’s always something to eat, we don’t have to go looking for it. So a faction led by Aunt Feezy said we didn’t need a cafeteria, but every college I ever heard of has one, so we decided we’d better have one, too. Just in case. Two quokkas named Arnie and Asshurbanipal found this nice big cardboard box that we can use. Just bring some food inside and eat it there. It’ll do for starters.

As for degree programs and courses and things like that, we’re still trying to figure out how many humans we can admit as students and what kind of courses they would like. We want to offer stuff they can’t get in human colleges–and how much should we charge them for it? We don’t use money, so how would they pay for their higher education? Who knew it was so much work to set up a college?

We’re also thinking maybe we won’t have courses. Uncle Ripcord says that would be “real cutting-edge, it’ll probably start a trend.” We shall see!

Meanwhile, we want you all to know we’re putting a good twenty minutes a week into this enterprise and that’s why it’s taking shape so fast.


Quokka U., College Sports Colossus

See the source image

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, interviewing a famous college sports personality who may become the first coach of Quokka University’s pick-up sticks team. I have to protect her identity, this is a confidential interview, but the picture’s okay because she’s in disguise. If I told you who she really was, you’d just plain faint. Still, nothing will happen till we can agree on her salary. Quokka U. doesn’t have a lot of money yet. In fact, so far, we have no money at all. But we do have a cool Latin motto, Ipso loquitur mannimota, and that has to count for something.

Oh, there’s so much to do! Who knew that setting up a college would be so much trouble? Well, we’re committed to the pick-up sticks team, we need a bunch of buildings and a stadium, we have to hire professors and somebody to clean up, and someone has suggested we might want to have a jacks team, too. Personally, I’m holding out for a Clue team. Professor Plum in the Lounge with the Candlestick!

And now, on to the next interview. Ipso loquitur, everybody!


%d bloggers like this: