World-Class Famous Great Author Joins Q.U. Faculty!

Aussie lady with a quokka : r/aww

I couldn’t get a picture of Ms. Crepuscular, so here’s Ms. Whatsername from our Registration Office instead.

Rejoice! Huzzah! Wahoo! Quokka University has added a BIG name to our English faculty! How big? ya say. Eleven letters big, sez I! C-R-E-P-U-S-C-U-L-A-R! As in Violet Crepuscular, author of the epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Winner of the Big Good Writership Award!

Ms. Crepuscular will be teaching “How Write Good 101,” if we ever get a classroom for it, and also teaching our kitchen staff how to make toothpaste-filled cupcakes. As soon as we get a kitchen. A lot of quokkas don’t bother to cook their leaves before eating them.

Advance copies of Oy, Rodney are available through the French Embassy at popular prices, if you don’t mind paying in Euros. Aunt Foozy says Euros make your paws smell funny.

Byron the Quokka: News Flash!

Shakespeare with computer. William Shakespeare in period clothing sitting in school desk with laptop computer shrugging at viewer. shakespeare funny stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images

Wow! Byron the Quokka here, with fabulous news! Quokka University has just acquired the exclusive rights to an exclusive TV series, Shakespeare For Persons Who Can’t Hardly Talk.

What’s wrong with Shakespeare? Half the time you don’t know what the heck he’s talking about; and the rest of the time, the plays are too blamed long!

Well, they’ve fixed that. For example, this new improved version of the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet. 

Romeo: Yo!

Juliet: Hey.

Romeo: Hey.

Juliet: That you?

Romeo: See ya. [Exit Romeo and Juliet]

See how much time and space that saves? Heck, when they do Macbeth, it’s only twenty minutes!

Catch ya later, dude!

Quokka Posing And Smiling At Camera Portrait Of A Funny Quokka On Rottnest  Island Western Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now - iStock

Win a Lifetime Exemption to the Sherman Anti-Trust Act!

The Difference Between An Alligator And A Crocodile

Why shouldn’t you have a monopoly? Well, Uncle Sam will hinder you from getting one–unless you are the lucky winner of Quokka University’s “Capture the Crocodile” contest.

Australia’s full of pesky saltwater crocodiles that make swimming a risky proposition. We’re always looking for someone who can turn the tables on the crocs–and it could be you! And if it is… Well, remember us when you’ve made your first billion!

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 10

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

[I have to soak my head, after that last post. Over to you, Byron!–LD]

G’day! Byron the Quokka here for Quokka University, bringing you weekend TV that will make you think you died and went to Paramus, NJ! Here’s a mere sample of it.

5:46 P.M.  Ch. 74  100% FAKE NEWS!–Just what it says: fake

Here’s the gimmick: Anchorman Dan Rather is the only person involved who doesn’t know the whole thing’s fake! Like, we tried to tell him, but after a while you just give up, know what I mean? Tonight: How Donald Trump started the Trojan War. Special guest: A very large earthworm.

6 P.M.  Ch. 04  SEANCE WITH THE STARS–Incredibly poor taste

Join Sophie Tucker, Nestor Chylak, Susan Sontag, and Jackie Chan, with medium Madame LaBonza, as they try to make contact with celebrities who have passed over. Tonight they’ll be seeking sure-fire stock market tips from Pharaoh Ramses II, who has had a very long time to study the market and develop his own theories. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.


What happens when you combine roller derby with basketball? Chaos! Mayhem! Fabulous injuries you never saw before! The Kyzyl Wahoos defend their Central Asian championship against the Miami Beach Vestment Lice. Miami Beach is not in Central Asia, but never mind. Play-by-Play: Jimmy Durante, Anne Klein.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16  BEAT THE CROC–Game show

Who can swim to the other end of the pool first–our celebrity contestants, or a hungry crocodile named Jimbo? Host Patrick MacNee whips up the crowd as the croc closes in! This week’s frantic swimmers: Susan George, Walter Cronkite, Bette Midler. With Jay Nehru and his orchestra.

Ch. 42   MOVIE–Defies description (call it a ‘Western’)

“Bats Over Broadway” (Canadian, 2004) combines the talents of Steven Spielberg, Reggie Jackson, Julia Child, and Bela Lugosi in a 4 1/2-hour spectacle that former President Jimmy Carter called “knuckle-crackin’ good!” But that’s only because he was in it, too, as The Pitiful Beggar Who Has Nothing Wrong With Him. Chief Kalfastoban: Roddy McDowell. Themistocles: a boyfriend of Sharon Stone.

Well! How d’ya like  that selection? Makes me want to curl up in the dry grass and munch on shiny green leaves!

2,528 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 3

Great 70's TV lineup!! | Tv guide, Vintage tv, Classic television

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and if you’re not out Christmas shopping, or if you’ve been shopping and you’re tuckered out, Quokka University has just what you need! Great TV shows, of course. Like these.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 05  COUNTRY QUACK–Tasteless sitcom

Doc Fugu (H. P. Lovecraft) convinces Mrs. Wadman (Rita Moreno) that she’s given birth to kittens; but he’s unwittingly started a feud with Mrs. Shrike (Debbie Reynolds), who last year supposedly gave birth to eight baby rabbits. Watch the June Taylor Dancers get caught in the crossfire!

Ch. 10  NEWS WITH BATTLIN’ BILLY–News and fisticuffs

The famous baseball manager (oh, come on, he’s famous! you don’t need his name) anchors a staff of reporters who really irritate him, and he doesn’t mind saying it with his fists. Tonight: Dan Rather gets pushed down the stairs and Billy’s carried off in handcuffs. Substitute co-anchors: Shari Lewis and Lambchop.


What happens when Taylor Swift finds a cobra in her bed? Can Chuck Connors stop his car after they drain out all the brake fluid? And how about those missing steps in Mia Farrow’s house? Wait’ll she gets up at night to have a glass of water! Host: Jimmy Fraud.

8 P.M.  Ch. 15  MOVIE–Sharp social commentary and pretentious babble

In “Who’s That Jidrool Who Doesn’t Like Me Anymore?” (Icelandic, 2004), Dustin Hoffman plays a down-and-out wine taster who’s given a second chance by Mothman (Nigel Bruce). Complications arise when he falls in love with a woman (Totie Fields) who thinks she’s an electric blender. Music score by some kook in Reykjavik.

Ch. 28  CAPTAIN ONIONHEAD–Science fiction Western

Capt. Onionhead (Buster Crabbe) has to use all his ingenuity to save Professor Carbuncle (William Lundigan) from crazed space pirates led by Lulu Smythe (Susan Sontag). One false move, and we lose Wyoming! Cute but Dispensable Sidekick: Sam Jaffe. Secret Agent Disguised as Baby-sitter: Mike Mazurki.

I don’t know if it’s true that watching shows like this makes you irresistible to phone scammers; I prefer to think of us as providing a sorely-needed luxury to the human race.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the  animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 26

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend television brought to you by Quokka University… where all we do, really, is hunt up rare TV shows, never mind teaching courses. Anyhow, here are some samples:

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SLAPSTICK NEWS–A news show, sort of

Finally! You don’t have to sit there growling and fuming as the news anchor talks down to you and tells lies. Here, the anchormen and anchorwomen stand a good chance of getting a pie in the face! You’ll know who it’s going to be, but the victim won’t. Dan Rather, Walter Cronkite, Paula Zahn–splat! Take that, motormouth!

Ch. 14  BACKYARD SAFARI–For children and goofy adults

Who needs rhinos and lions and giraffes when you’ve got ants, aphids, and starlings? It’s a lot cheaper, too! Join great white hunter Abe Vigoda as he sidesteps a charging ground beetle and bags an earthworm with his shotgun Celebrity guest: Sandra Day O’Connor. Bearer: Yogi Bearer (get it?).

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 29  FOREIGN MOVIES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES–Pretentious twaddle

Impress your friends! Watch Bergman’s Wild Strawberries in the original Swedish, no subtitles, no dubbing, and say things like “Some of the subtler nuances don’t translate all that well.” Do the same with Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress and they’ll gasp in awe! Host: Marcel Marceau.


Hanky (Andre the Giant) wants a tricycle for his birthday, but Mozgush and Doblast (Arthur C. Clarke, Sonja Henie) have already bought him a king-sized hamster wheel. Uncle Hisstah (Frank Botox) is called in to make peace! Provider of Superfluous Exclamation Points: Joyce Carol Oates.

7:04 P.M. Ch. 42  SAGEBRUSH SAM–Underwater Western

People didn’t dig this when it came out in 1964, but Sagebrush Sam, TV’s first underwater Western, is now arguably the most popular show in television history. This week: Can Marshal Dan Schimmelpfennig (Don Adams) hold his breath long enough to burst into the Sea Horse Saloon and arrest manic gunslinger Nijam Mohandalakshiraj (Richard Simmons) for copyright infringement? Can he hold his breath long enough to say the name? Sparky: Shari Lewis. The June Taylor Dancers: The Elvira Pushcart Dancers.

Boy, oh, boy! I can’t wait to hunker down in front of my TV set with a handful of tasty leaves and bubble gum!

74 Quokka Eating A Leaf Images, Stock Photos & Vectors ...

This looks like a good one. See you next week!

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 12


G’day, everybody! I hope you’ve set aside enormous blocks of time for TV viewing, because we’ve outdone ourselves this week, bringing you the hit shows that never had an audience! Here’s a brief sample from our menu:

8:45 P.M.  Ch. 03  NEWS WITH LIVERWURST–News & commentary

Join Mr. Schlockengruber at the Garden State butcher’s counter, while he serves up the day’s news while serving his customers, too. Is it any wonder that he sometimes gets mixed up? But you’ve got to see him wield that cleaver whenever it’s Congress in the news. Weather: Carlos the Delivery Guy (he would know).

9 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE W TEAM–Action & Inaction

The A Team’s busy, the B Team’s all shot up, and eventually we work way down to the W Team (“When it really doesn’t matter, send for us!”). Pro wrestling legend Silvano Magucci (Dean Rusk) leads his team (Salvador Dali, Theda Bara, Elmer the Bull–he provides the glue–and Ernie Bushmiller) in one hazardous but completely unimportant assignment after another. Tonight: Find Ted Mack’s dentures.

Ch. 14  THE BARE FACTS–Lewd sitcom

What happens when a retired superhero (Bob Costas) opens a nudist colony in Alaska? WARNING: Much of this show had to be blacked out. Especially those parts with the June Taylor Dancers. And the mosquitoes and black flies. This week: Ozzie (Francisco Franco) loses his pants in a strip poker game. [We do not see the point of playing strip poker at a nudist colony, but apparently the focus group likes it.]

Ch. 33  TONS O’ TALK–Celebrity talk & variety

Jimmy Fraud interviews celebrities you never heard of! Icepick Sam, Dr. Foo the Mad Dentist, Susan Gesundheit… Hear him ask the questions you would ask if you had any idea why these people are famous! With the Karamazov Bros. and their orchestra.

9:08 P.M.  Ch. 56  MOVIE–Marital Arts

In Secret Techniques of the Drunken Water-Dowser (Chinese-Canadian, 1998), a disgraced Mountie (Groucho Marx, CG) enters Hung Lo Monastery, where Master Chee (Larry Storch) teaches him secret techniques. Meanwhile, Bigfoot (Linda Hunt) ravages the countryside–and the monks can’t seem to stop it. Can Sgt. Woo Wei Shu recover his honor by kung-fuing Bigfoot into oblivion? Song: “I’ve Got Spurs That Jingle-Jangle-Jingle.”

Well, that’s that! Someday the whole world will shut down just so people can tune in to Quokka University for thrills ‘n’ chills.

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 9

It's About TV: This week in TV Guide: September 21, 1974

G’day, humans et al! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend TV to take your minds off stupid and embarrassing news. I am running this feature solo today, Lee’s off in the Twilight Zone somewhere–well, what the heck, we’re off to the races!

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 42  EYEWITLESS NEWS–News, commentary, and lewd noises

“It’s all wrong anyway, so it might as well be entertaining!” says anchorman Etoin Shrdlu, allegedly from another galaxy. The program’s motto says it all: “Honest Fake News.” Tonight: a completely fraudulent investigation of “U.S. Senate girlie parties” held after midnight at Fong’s Diner.

7 P.M.   Ch. 21  STUPID CITY–Crime Drama

You’d think things’d be pretty dull in a mid-sized city where the median IQ is somewhere below that of a sock puppet, but you’d be wrong: stupid cops trying to catch stupid criminals means drama! Chief O’Fudge: Bernie Sanders. Mr. Big: Yoko Ono. Crooked Paper Boy: Gumby. Music by Mrs. Kinkle’s 2nd-grade class.

Ch. 46   THE PRICE IS CRAZY!–Game show

How much would you pay to get hoisted out of a pool full of piranhas? That’s what host Casey Stengel will ask contestants floundering in the pool: best offer gets pulled out first! And no going back on it, either, or you get thrown back in. [Program Note: The June Taylor Dancers will not appear at poolside anymore–not since Sondra fell in. The management apologizes for any inconvenience.]

7:12 P.M.  Ch. 31  MOVIE–(You’re asking me to describe it?)

Davy McTavish’s six-hour epic, “Daughter of the Volcano” (Scottish-Japanese, 1981), Disco Queen Irma Burma (Sharon Sharalike) falls into the mouth of a volcano and it’s up to Charlie’s Ninjas (original cast of The Beverly Hillbillies) to pull her out. Keep an eye out for the famous cameo appearance of Sandy MacQuhouon.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 07  THE FATTERSONS–Sitcom

Jay and Kay Fatterson (William Shatner, Heather Locklear), their precocious 10-year-old son, Poxie (Michael Harrington, who used to have a column), and their pet lion, Jambo, love to get involved in their neighbors’ private business! But when Jambo eats Nancy’s hideous boyfriend (credits not available), the Neighborhood Improvement Committee hires a hit man (Joel Chandler Harris).

Well, mates, there you have it–just a small sample of weekend bliss provided by Quokka University.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

(This was my graduation picture. Do you like it?)

Byron’s TV Listings, July 2

multiple image galleries

G’day, TV fans! Byron the Quokka here–and have we got fantastic stuff for you this weekend! Just give us lots and lots of views so I don’t lose my bet with Joe Collidge and have to give him an honorary Ph.D. from Quokka University. (He wants a degree in “Fizzix.” He thinks it’s some kind of soda.)

6:49 P.M.  Ch. 72  TEAR THE LID OFF HISTORY!–Pure Twaddle

Join hosts Howard Cosell and that model from the Victoria’s Secret catalogue as they examine red-hot historical controversies. This week: Was the Assyrian Empire founded by cowboys? Guest: George “The Animal” Steele.

7 P.M.  Ch. 03  SOCIOLOGY FOR MACHO HE-MEN–(You have to ask?)

Just because you’ve got a degree in Sociology doesn’t mean you have to be a wimp! Let the June Taylor Dancers teach you how to be a macho man and still go around handing out questionnaires about pee-pee. Guest: Jesse Ventura. Featured Song: “I’m in the Mood for Cheap Wine.”

Ch. 11  WE ARE THE WOILD–Indescribable

Some say it’s a cop show, starring Rory Calhoun as Lt. Hsiang Wang-Ho. Others say it’s a PBS fundraiser with lectures on reliving your past lives by Ellen Pupa. And the rest swear it’s a Star Trek spinoff with Bette Midler as a 400-year-old Capt. Kirk who can’t remember where he left the keys to the Enterprise’s lavatory. Decide for yourself!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Unspeakable horror

No less a personage than John Quincy Adams called The Thing from Under the Good Humor Truck (Swedish, 1952; dubbed into Swahili) “just the kind of movie Ingmar Bergman would make if he were a hopeless alcoholic who never progressed beyond first grade.” It turns out Bergman once was a hopeless alcoholic who never progressed beyond first grade; and this is the movie he made about it. Sven: Arthur Treacher. Olaf: Godfrey Cambridge. Jopi: A rubber ball. Kopi: Barbara Steele.

8 P.M.  Ch. 62  WHO’S GOT BUGS?–Game show

This show won’t be on for five minutes before you start itching! Celebrity contestants try to pass their bugs off to the next contestant, and the one who winds up with all the bugs is sacrificed to Science (Phyllis Diller). With E.M. Forster’s Jug Band.

And that’s just a sample of what the program geniuses at Quokka U. have in store for you this weekend! I can’t wait to turn on my TV set!

The Happiest Animal Quokka Is Smiling And Welcoming You To Come To Rottnest  Island In Perth Western Australia Animal Wall Mural | Anim-Hideaki

Byron the Quokka, signing off…


Joe Collidge: ‘I”ll Beet That Qwokker!”!’

Young Quokka Crossing A Road Rottnest Island Australia Stock Photo -  Download Image Now - iStock

Iff it”s Wor he whants,, it”s Wor he wil Gett!!!!!

That thare stopid Biron “the” Qwokker he thingks he Can gett moar Reeders than Me, Joe Collidge!!!! We hased a Bet “on” it butt he cheeted! by aksing Reeders to rede himb!!!

Doughnt he know “That” i amb A Collidge Stodint and tharfour mutch Smarter than himb??? Doughnt he know “that” thare “are” billyins of collidge stodints witch rede My colyumbs?? Waht a foool!!!!!! And wen i Winn “the” bett he has got “To” giv me a onarraiy deegree fromb that thare Stopid Qwokker Unadversity witch he duzznt has!! I thingk i whil deemanned a Deegree in Nuculer Fizzicks soa I can teech It “at” “a” skool!!!!

Himb and his stopid TV lisztings! He havint gott a Chancet!!!!!!!!!! Look “at” himb running Aweigh!!! He knows his gueese it is coooked!!! Evry reel Soso Jutstus Wirer in the worrled thay “Are” “On” my syde!!! And evry Interllectural tooo!!

I fourget waht i’m saposed To give himb if he winns,,, witch he woont!!! Hay, Biron, this heer Is “waht” yiu get wen yiu Go Up aginst Joe Collidge!! A bole of Equitty Soup!!!!!! Ha Ha!! Yiu thingk i’m in Nothing Studdies for nothing????

And we whil aslo Keey his Car tooo!!!