All sorts of nasty rumors are swirling around this presidential election season. In the interests of an informed public, I wish to refute some of the more lurid ones.
The following statements are not true. Honest.
*John Boehner is a eunuch.
*The Obama Phone lady from Cleveland will moderate the next presidential debate.
*In the wake of Hillary Clinton’s performance as Secretary of State, she will resign and be replaced by Perez Hilton.
*”E Pluribus Unum” will be removed from our currency and replaced by a new national motto: “The government is the only thing we all belong to.”
*”In God We Trust” will be replaced by “You Didn’t Build That.”
*If Madonna keeps her promise to take off all her clothes in public if Obama is re-elected, she will be the next person appointed to the Supreme Court.
*By executive order, all churches must be covered with canvas so that atheists don’t have to see them.
*To convince the Muslim world of our good will, the president will deliver the State of the Union address in Arabic.
I repeat: none of these is true. Our wonderful and glorious leaders would never even think of doing any of these things.
You have their word on it.