Spiking Nasty Rumors

All sorts of nasty rumors are swirling around this presidential election season. In the interests of an informed public, I wish to refute some of the more lurid ones.

The following statements are not true. Honest.

*John Boehner is a eunuch.

*The Obama Phone lady from Cleveland will moderate the next presidential debate.

*In the wake of Hillary Clinton’s performance as Secretary of State, she will resign and be replaced by Perez Hilton.

*”E Pluribus Unum” will be removed from our currency and replaced by a new national motto: “The government is the only thing we all belong to.”

*”In God We Trust” will be replaced by “You Didn’t Build That.”

*If Madonna keeps her promise to take off all her clothes in public if Obama is re-elected, she will be the next person appointed to the Supreme Court.

*By executive order, all churches must be covered with canvas so that atheists don’t have to see them.

*To convince the Muslim world of our good will, the president will deliver the State of the Union address in Arabic.

I repeat: none of these is true. Our wonderful and glorious leaders would never even think of doing any of these things.

You have their word on it.


5 comments on “Spiking Nasty Rumors

    1. Now, now… Just because the second-highest elected official in the country makes faces, rude noises, interrupts, and acts like a monkey during a nationally-televised debate doesn’t make it a circus. After all, the clowns in the circus do it on purpose, for a living.

    1. I did a lot of debating in high school. Anyone who acted like Biden–making faces, interrupting, waving his arms, etc.–would have gotten a big fat F.

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