“When in doubt, panic,” somebody once said. The Global Warming gang is panicking.
Now we are told, through the National Academy of Science, that New York and 1,700 other U.S. cities are going to be underwater by the year 2100, thanks to Global Warming–the same Global Warming that mysteriously freezes the Great Lakes and chokes Boston with mountains of snow. The story is all over the Internet. Rather than belabor material which has already been abundantly reported (just search “New York underwater by 2100” and you’ll see what I mean), we called on Dr. Horatio Pinhead, Professor of Smart Science at Baal University. Dr. Pinhead is chairman of the You’re Not Smart So Shut Up Foundation.
“If they think it’s going to be bad when New York sinks beneath the waves,” said Dr. Pinhead, “wait’ll it happens to Topeka. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
“The only way to avoid this doom, and ensure a meaningful life for every human being on the planet,” he said, “is for everyone to pay a whopping great carbon tax and go back to living like 9th-century Scottish peasants. Of course, a small ruling class, advised by scientists, will be essential. And it’s only the smart thing to provide these individuals with gigantic, opulent mansions, private jets, and kobe beef. The moment these conditions are met, we scientists promise to stop all the bad weather. Oh–and you should stop believing in God, because God can’t do what we can do.”
We asked Dr. Pinhead if he considered it sporting to terrorize ignorant people with apocalyptic scare stories.
“We do it for a good cause, so of course it’s right to do it,” he said. “The world must be governed scientifically–by me and my friends, and by the honest politicians who fund our research, and by nice guys like George Soros. Whatever it takes to get that done, is right.”
“If you’re not a climate scientist who believes in Climate Change,” he added, “shut up. If you’re not a politician with a D after his name, shut up. Shut up and watch TV–uh, if there still is TV. If not, shut up and go to bed.”