False Facts: Special Quarantine Edition

Beefy Blades: 8 Best Bowie Knives | HiConsumption

The original Skbiertzsky knife

Running out of things to do during The Great Quarantine? Well, there will never be a better time to polish up your reputation as somebody who knows things that nobody else knows! And Acme False Facts is here to help, with a special Quarantine Edition.

Remember–it’s not what you say: it’s with how much conviction you can say it.

Here are a few outstanding examples.

Jim Bowie’s real name was James Skbiertzsky; but he changed it because, he explained, “Who the dickens would want to buy a Skbiertzsky knife?”

Brownies secretly hold a convention every year in Oklahoma.

The planet Neptune has no gravity. You could look it up.

In 1879, all the men in Proktov, Siberia, woke up one morning with extra toes. Scientists attribute this to a bad batch of toothpaste cookies.

Speaking of the paranormal, the only sure way to get rid of skinwalkers is to take away their flip-flops.

Episodes of The Tim Conway Show, when played backwards, reveal a failed conspiracy to subvert the Austrian Navy.

All these, and many more, are available in a set of lavishly-decorated flash cards in a burglar-proof cardboard strongbox–a steal at $245.95 wherever such things are sold.

7 comments on “False Facts: Special Quarantine Edition

  1. The toothpaste cookies cracked me up. 🙂 But tell me … these Brownies who meet in Oklahoma … are they Girl Scout Brownies, Little Folk brownies, or … special-gustatory-treat toothpaste brownies?

  2. Walt Disney really died in his 20’s, it was an impostor using his name. “Star Wars” originally was to be about transsexuals but George Lucas thought that was too far ahead in societal evolution at the time. Earnest Hemingway didn’t really commit suicide, he was eaten by a marlin but his daughter covered it up – you can look it up on the dark web.

Leave a Reply