False Facts: Special Quarantine Edition

Beefy Blades: 8 Best Bowie Knives | HiConsumption

The original Skbiertzsky knife

Running out of things to do during The Great Quarantine? Well, there will never be a better time to polish up your reputation as somebody who knows things that nobody else knows! And Acme False Facts is here to help, with a special Quarantine Edition.

Remember–it’s not what you say: it’s with how much conviction you can say it.

Here are a few outstanding examples.

Jim Bowie’s real name was James Skbiertzsky; but he changed it because, he explained, “Who the dickens would want to buy a Skbiertzsky knife?”

Brownies secretly hold a convention every year in Oklahoma.

The planet Neptune has no gravity. You could look it up.

In 1879, all the men in Proktov, Siberia, woke up one morning with extra toes. Scientists attribute this to a bad batch of toothpaste cookies.

Speaking of the paranormal, the only sure way to get rid of skinwalkers is to take away their flip-flops.

Episodes of The Tim Conway Show, when played backwards, reveal a failed conspiracy to subvert the Austrian Navy.

All these, and many more, are available in a set of lavishly-decorated flash cards in a burglar-proof cardboard strongbox–a steal at $245.95 wherever such things are sold.

Putin Stole My Facebook!


Zero Facebook referrals–count ’em!–over the past three days: how come?

Well, I’ve figured it out. Putin stole them.

I don’t know how he found the time to get at my blog, what with rigging a U.S. presidential election, rigging the Brexit vote against the globalists, and trying to rig Germany’s upcoming election so as to defeat Angela Merkel and her wildly popular immigration policy: but hey, like Rudi Vallee said in Unfaithfully Yours, if you want something done, get the busy man to do it. And you can’t go wrong, listening to Rudi Vallee.

See, I don’t want to be on the wrong side of history, so I have joined the movement to blame every shortcoming on the Russian boss. We all know, now, that Hillary Clinton would’ve had the White House in her pants suit pocket if Putin hadn’t fixed it otherwise. I have it on good authority that he also sabotaged the Edsel, the Byzantine Empire, and The Tim Conway Show. So it would’ve been a very small undertaking for him to zap my Facebook referrals.

I just don’t know what to do about it.