Tag: Jim Bowie

False Facts: Special Quarantine Edition

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Beefy Blades: 8 Best Bowie Knives | HiConsumption

The original Skbiertzsky knife

Running out of things to do during The Great Quarantine? Well, there will never be a better time to polish up your reputation as somebody who knows things that nobody else knows! And Acme False Facts is here to help, with a special Quarantine Edition.

Remember–it’s not what you say: it’s with how much conviction you can say it.

Here are a few outstanding examples.

Jim Bowie’s real name was James Skbiertzsky; but he changed it because, he explained, “Who the dickens would want to buy a Skbiertzsky knife?”

Brownies secretly hold a convention every year in Oklahoma.

The planet Neptune has no gravity. You could look it up.

In 1879, all the men in Proktov, Siberia, woke up one morning with extra toes. Scientists attribute this to a bad batch of toothpaste cookies.

Speaking of the paranormal, the only sure way to get rid of skinwalkers is to take away their flip-flops.

Episodes of The Tim Conway Show, when played backwards, reveal a failed conspiracy to subvert the Austrian Navy.

All these, and many more, are available in a set of lavishly-decorated flash cards in a burglar-proof cardboard strongbox–a steal at $245.95 wherever such things are sold.

Is This Woman Quite All There?

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Jim Bowie must have known some unusual people in his life. Here he is with a woman who wants to hang on to his leg. If my wife did this, I would think there must be something wrong with her.

It may be that there are little-known nooks and crannies of society wherein leg-hanging is not  considered eccentric. I don’t get around that much: who knows what the big swells get up to, when they go to Davos? I’d hate to think Jim Bowie was a globalist. Then again, maybe the woman in the picture is just drunk, and with no lamp-post handy, a stationary human leg will do. And Mr. Bowie puts up with it because he’s kind.

Yeah, that’s probably it.

William the Conqueror’s Favorite Movie

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of william the conqueror

Y2K wasn’t all end-of-the-world alarmism. I do remember assorted sages urging people to sell everything they had, convert it all to cash, and head for the nearest and deepest abandoned lead mine: although what good cash was going to do you, with all of civilization in ruins, I never quite understood.

Some of Y2K was, well, goofy. Like the effort to decide what was the best movie of the past thousand years, the Movie of the Millenium. Like, after he invaded and conquered England in 1066, William the Conqueror took Queen Matilda to the nabe so they could watch A Bug’s Life.

This leads us down a path of fascinatingly useless conjecture. Think of major historical figures down through the centuries, from 1001 to 2000, and try to figure out what their favorite movies would have been. Wouldn’t you just love to know ? Take Peter the Hermit: how do you think he’d have liked Forbidden Planet? Or the Bronte sisters, grooving on Singin’ in the Rain. What sort of flick would have most appealed to Jim Bowie? Wow, you could stay up all night, racking your brain over this.

Doesn’t it sound like it has the potential to become a whole new degree program at a lot of colleges? I am sure it would catch on quickly.

(Great Scott, what have I done?)