Introducing Chapter CCCLXII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular pauses to inform us that the repairs on Coldsore Hall–new roof, in particular–have been completed.
“As you can see by the picture, dear reader,” she writes, “Coldsore Hall is a very impressive-looking building! Several hundred people could live in it quite comfortably. Indeed, I am afraid there are a number of people living in it that Lord Jeremy doesn’t know are there.”
One of those persons, unbeknownst to Lord Jeremy, is Sir Robin Banks, the aristocratic thief, younger (and disinherited) son of the Earl of Fapley. This is awkward: excited by promises of a fabulous reward, every man, woman, and child in Scurveyshire is looking for Sir Robin, who is suspected of having stolen Lady Margo Cargo’s priceless family jewels and world-famous collection of glass eyes.
But we have been told that only Crusty, Lady Margo’s crusty old butler, knows what really happened to the jewels.
“I will now reveal what Crusty knows,” declares Ms. Crepuscular, and then embarks on a recipe for homemade Twinkies filled with Pepsodent. On we go to Chapter CCCLXIII.
“I do not appreciate the threats made against me,” she writes, “to force me to divulge Crusty’s secret. A reader in Namibia has even threatened to mail me a boomslang if I don’t come across. So here it is! Here’s what happened to the jewels.”
It turns out that Crusty himself has taken all the jewels, plus the box of glass eyes, wrapped them all up in a duffel bag… and concealed them in an unused bedroom inside Coldsore Hall! He does not know that Sir Robin Banks the aristocratic jewel thief is hiding in the unused room across the hall. No one else is using any of the rooms in the hall’s East Wing, because legend has it that a vampire has parked his coffin there.
“Further revelations will be made in the next chapter,” Violet concludes. “If you really just can’t wait, I suggest a cold shower.”