No More Columbus, Ohio

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Ms. Authentic, Makes Hiawatha Look Like a Greek

Goodbye, Columbus! No, no, not the movie–I mean, really, goodbye, Columbus, Ohio.

To appease assorted Far Left weirdos, the city of Columbus has voted to change its name to Clan Mother Elizabeth Warren Community, in recognition of the Massachusetts Senator’s fantastic claim to be a Native American. The DNA test says she’s wrong, but you know how they lie. The DNA test says world chess champ Magnus Carlsen, born and bred in Norway, has more Native American blood than Elizabeth Warren. Just goes to show you how racist those tests are.

The Columbus City Council has also voted to change the names of all the streets in the city, followed by a mandatory name change for each resident. Every new name must somehow “convey praise for Native Americans,” explained City Manager Native Americans Invented The Internet (formally Hiram Plotnick).

All monuments in the city will be removed, he added, and replaced by states of Elizabeth Warren. The City Council has hailed her as “Ms. Authentic, the Real Deal, makes Hiawatha look like a Greek.”

The Columbus Clippers Triple-A baseball team will now be the Clan Mother Elizabeth Warren Community Clippers. “It has a certain ring to it,” said third base coach Smokey Malone, just before shooting himself.

10 comments on “No More Columbus, Ohio

  1. Satire can no longer keep up with reality. It has actually been proposed that Columbus (OH) be renamed Flavortown — partly because the city has always been used as a test point for new food products and food service launches. I doubt whether the bill will pass, but if it does, the next change will have to be to Laughingstocktown.

    1. Help! Somebody, anybody… Phoebe, are you having any Internet outages today in Ohio? My last post got cut off halfway through. I dare not try another one just now. We keep getting kicked off the Internet, and for the moment, replying to a reader’s comment seems to be the only way I can communicate.

      So, whoever’s reading this, know ye that I have not deserted my post–my post has deserted me.

    2. I’ve been okay most of the afternoon. The problem may be with a local tower in your area. Or maybe one of your connections. Or a “mostly peaceful protest” tearing things down. Or gremlins.

    3. Sheesh, I looked that up. Some guy who has a cooking show–they want to name their city for him?
      Why are we letting this bungholes screw up our country?

  2. You are onto something here, Lee. After they have renamed everything named for a slave owner or sympathizer, they will next begin renaming anything named for a white person. Looks like my Fort Smith will be getting a new name – maybe Fort Cheyenne.

    1. And then they’ll call it cultural appropriation. You can’t win with these people.

    2. My state is chock-full of towns that already have American Indian names. I live in one. Do we get to keep those names, or do we have to name them after Tiktok celebrities?

    3. why are we letting them do this to us? Have we no backbone at all?
      If I had the money, I’d erect the biggest statue of Stonewall Jackson that you ever saw.

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