Ms. Authentic, Makes Hiawatha Look Like a Greek
Goodbye, Columbus! No, no, not the movie–I mean, really, goodbye, Columbus, Ohio.
To appease assorted Far Left weirdos, the city of Columbus has voted to change its name to Clan Mother Elizabeth Warren Community, in recognition of the Massachusetts Senator’s fantastic claim to be a Native American. The DNA test says she’s wrong, but you know how they lie. The DNA test says world chess champ Magnus Carlsen, born and bred in Norway, has more Native American blood than Elizabeth Warren. Just goes to show you how racist those tests are.
The Columbus City Council has also voted to change the names of all the streets in the city, followed by a mandatory name change for each resident. Every new name must somehow “convey praise for Native Americans,” explained City Manager Native Americans Invented The Internet (formally Hiram Plotnick).
All monuments in the city will be removed, he added, and replaced by states of Elizabeth Warren. The City Council has hailed her as “Ms. Authentic, the Real Deal, makes Hiawatha look like a Greek.”
The Columbus Clippers Triple-A baseball team will now be the Clan Mother Elizabeth Warren Community Clippers. “It has a certain ring to it,” said third base coach Smokey Malone, just before shooting himself.