‘Muslim Vikings: Baloney! Says Scholar’ (2017)

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Hmmm… How long did that “Muslim vikings” fad last? Half an hour, maybe?

Muslim Vikings: Baloney! Says Scholar

To correct two more misconceptions about the vikings:

*The word “viking” refers to a profession, not a nationality. Anyone could “go a-viking” or be a viking. Today we would call that profession armed robbery or brigandage.

*Vikings never wore horned helmets. Centuries earlier, some of the Gauls did. But Vikings did not.

Trust me. I’m an official and bona fide expert on the vikings. You could look it up.

8 comments on “‘Muslim Vikings: Baloney! Says Scholar’ (2017)

  1. Let’s get it right. The Vikings were lapsed Lutherans. How they did this before Luther had been born is simple; they were ahead of their time. Lapsed-Lutheran longboats had beer coolers built it and TV remotes at every rowing station. Television had not been invented yet, but by gum, they were prepared for the favorite activity of lapsed Lutherans, everywhere, which is drinking beer and watching sports on TV. As I said, they were ahead of their time. They were actually pretty religious, having written the song Jesus Is Just Alright With Me, which was covered by the Doobie Brothers nearly a thousand years later. During their more spiritual moments, they would gather among like minded friends and say things like “Ya, Jesus is alright, doncha think, Carl?” while they drank beer and clicked their remotes, inventing channel surfing before there were any TV sets or any channels to surf. Their descendants perform this same ritual to this day. My uncle, Holgar Unknowable taught me at his knee, but we used Root Beer, ‘cause I wasn’t olde enough for the real thing.

    There is much speculation as to how far the Vikings traveled into the New World. Some stuffy professors claim that they only made it to Vinland, which is waaaay out east in Canada, or sometin’. But that’s a load of crap. Dey made it, at the very least, to the current location of Bloomington, Minnesota, were dey built the headquarters of da Minnesooota Vikings football team, out dere on sout’ France avenue, just nort’ of 494, doncha know. I’ve driven past it hundreds of times and it’s right dere where any fool can see it. So dese stuffed-shirt, hoity-toity professors can just go to heck and root for Green Bay, fer all I care.

    Now, if you want to know more about da history of the Svedes, or da hiss-tory of da Vikings, ya gotta come here and I’ll tell ya da trut’. We’ll sit down and drink a couple of dem Mike’s Harder Lemonades and talk it over, as long as you bring da Mike’s so we don’t get thirsty, doncha know. After a couple of dose t’ings apiece, we won’t remember our names, but by Yiminy, you’ll come away knowing hiss-tory. And doncha come back gripin’ about da headache ya get da next mornin’. I been tellin’ you dat you drink too much. Better just leave the rest of that Mike’s in my fridge, doncha know.

    1. Dat Kensington stone iss da real deal, doncha know. All dem stuffed shirt professors don’t know nuttin’ and da while durn bunch of dem wouldn’t even know a good football team if it showed up at dere door looking for beer. Half of den stuffed shirts root for Green Bay, which otta tell you sometin’ about where dere heads are at.

      My great, great grandpa, Holger Holgersen da fifth was neighbors wit’ Olof Öhman and was dere about ten minutes after Olof discovered the stone. Olof called him up and said, Holger, grab some Mike’s and get over here, I got sometin’ to show you. So great, great grandpa Holger went over dere and dey got schnockered on da Mike’s while dey tried to read what was on dat stone. Ya! Then they put it in a wagon and drove it over the Alexandria and showed it to the guys at da Bellanca Airplane factory. I know, dis wass before dem Wright Brothers invented da airplane, doncha know, but Svedes hass always been ahead of dere time.

      So dey loaded da stone into one of dem airplanes to fly it to Washington DC, but gasoline wass actually invented by Norwegians and dey ain’t so ahead of dere time as Svedes are, so it dere it sat, all ready to go, but no gasoline, so dere dey sat, waitin’ on dem Norwegians. It’s always dat way.

      After a while, dey got tired of waitin’ so dey drank another 8-pack of Mike’s apiece and nobody remembers what happened after dat. So dat’s da story of the Kensington stone.

  2. Y’all had better watch out or the Woke Police will cite y’all for cultural appropriation.

    And yes, I’m allowed to say “y’all” because I’m from the South — the South Bronx, that is. However, the generic Bronx term is “youse,” which is pronounced “yizz” in Bronxese. (Only New Jerseyites say “yooz.”)

    1. Mnyah, okay so maybe I was thinking of some other state. As we Noo Yawkas used to say, “Once you get out of New York, it’s all Connecticut.” 🙂

      Actually, I left New York permanently in 1971 to join the Air Force, and haven’t been back since — except on leave in the 1970s to visit my mother until she left New York also, and after that only for a few funerals. But I can still fake a Bronx accent if pressed to do so, although I never really had one when I lived there.

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