Roller Derby Comes to Scurveyshire! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

The Victorian Era-Skating Ice and Roller-Victorian Days - angelpig.net

Victorian roller derby

As every reader with nothing better to do will surely remember, Violet Crepuscular has left her readers wondering whether there are Picts hiding out in Scurveyshire and planning to use the ancient Pictish sport of roller derby to expel all the English out of England.

Introducing Chapter CDXI of her immortal epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Ms. Crepuscular addresses her readers thus: “Dear readers, I hope you don’t mind if I address you thus. It has become necessary for me to introduce a new character into the story: the plot cannot be carried forward without it. Without further ado, meet… Tom the Pict!”

Yes, alas, there is a Pict lurking among the gibbering masses of Scurveyshire. “You may wonder,” adds Violet, “what one measly Pict–” not a figure of speech: he really does have measles–“can do to evict the English from England. Please continue reading!”

Tom’s idea is to strike while everyone is attending the roller derby match between Plaguesby and Ulan Bator. Please don’t bother to write to Ms. Crepuscular to point out to her that Ulan Bator was certainly not called “Ulan Bator” during the Victorian Era. Her neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, flies into a rage whenever this topic is brought up.

Tom the Pict, the story continues, has successfully disguised himself as a normal person, and the measles deter anyone from getting too close. He only speaks Pictish when he talks to himself or to his pet snail, Rupert.

And everyone, but everyone, is going to be at that roller derby rink!

3 comments on “Roller Derby Comes to Scurveyshire! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

  1. I’d love to overhear a conversation between Tom’s pet snail and Lady Margo’s pet crawfish. (It was a crawfish, wasn’t it? I sometimes lose track.) Or does Rupert speak only Pictish? Come to think of it, what language do crawfish speak? (I’m starting to feel faint from all this speculation. I must go nibble on a toothpaste bun.)

  2. As we all know, classic literature from the Victorian era always manages to work Ulan Bator into the plot. What we all need is more books about Ulan Bator. 🙂

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